//------------------------------// // 22 // Story: Wayward Courier // by Speven Dillberg //------------------------------// Let me tell you, it was amazing. I have never worn anything so comfortable in my entire life. So it was a little big, I just didn’t care. “How do I look?” the Courier asked, stepping out of his room. He held out his arms and stood in front of Twilight Sparkle. “Wow,” the unicorn exclaimed. “You look great.” And he did. Rarity hadn’t known it, but somehow she had managed to make a dinner suit that would have put any number of Old World designers to complete shame. The complete simplicity and elegance of it was more than enough to distract whoever looked at it from noticing that the Courier was wearing a pair of steel-capped combat boots that completely clashed. “The last time I saw something like this, it was two hundred years old and full of holes,” he commented. “Never thought I’d ever get a new one. What is it made of, anyway? It breathes so easily.” “Silk.” Twilight smiled. She had been a little worried that he wouldn’t like this gift, that he would find it too formal like Rainbow Dash had said. She had no idea how she would have broken that to Rarity. As she led the man to the dining room, she noticed that the Pip-Boy was still visible. At first, she thought that he had ripped the sleeve off, but he had just rolled it up. It still didn’t answer the question as to why he still had that bulky metal and glass thing on. She still didn’t have much of an idea as to its purpose! “Uh, Mister Courier?” she asked tentatively. “Just call me Thomas,” he said with a smile. “Okay, Thomas,” the mare said. “Why haven’t you taken that thing off?” It took him a moment to identify what she was talking about. “Oh, my Pip-Boy?” he asked, receiving a nod. “Well, the things I need to unlock it are back in Goodsprings, so it’s stuck. Unless you want to cut my arm off,” he said jokingly. Without warning, his expression turned deadly serious. “You’re not gonna cut my arm off, are you?” he asked, pulling it close to his chest and holding it protectively. “What? No!” the lavender scholar exclaimed. “I would never do such a thing!” “Good, because me and my arm, we’re quite attached.” He grinned after a moment, at which point she realised that the whole conversation had been a joke. “That... really isn’t funny.” As the Courier shrugged, a third voice made itself heard. “It’s nice to see you two getting along.” They looked to see Princess Luna waiting for them at the doors, she too dressed for the occasion. Her mane and tail were devoid of magic, hanging rather limply from her body compared to the normal flowing void. She wore her usual royal regalia, albeit with a few additions. Attached to her jeweled yoke was a large dress. It partly wavered alongside her forelegs in an exact mane-matching blue and ending at the base of her stomach. Draped over her back was a soft midnight blue robe that gently met with the marble floor. There were three white crescent moon-like curves that connected at each flank . A violet sheer hovered just above the dress, filled to brim with stars. Draped on her wings and weaved between her primary and secondary feathers were links of pearls, serving no purpose other than to look beautiful. The Courier was stunned, though not the apparent reason. “Why are you wearing dresses anyway? It’s not like you normally wear clothes.” “Tis a special occasion, a dinner with a being from another world,” Luna replied. “So how is it any different to the past three nights?” he asked back teasingly. “Because tonight you won’t be muttering vulgarities at the other nobles,” the alicorn answered playfully. Twilight Sparkle blinked as she looked between the pair. “Am I missing something?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. “So, anything about...?” Thomas asked tentatively, ignoring the unicorn. “I’m afraid not,” she sighed. “Whoever is responsible did an admirable job of covering their tracks.” Thomas let out a sigh of his own, one that spoke of his frustration with his situation. “I swear, when I get my hands on whoever’s responsible, they’re gonna beg for death,” he said darkly, his hands clutching at a neck only he could see. A worried expression crossed Twilight’s face as she remembered that this man was capable of incredible acts of violence. She almost felt sorry for whoever would get in his way during his quest to return home. Anyway, the dinner that night. For once, I did not mind the complete lack of meat. Everything was so... strange, though. I’d guess that a lot of the stuff, you could get before the war. Pasta, you ever heard of that? What about cheese? Apparently, it’s made from milk! How do you even do that? Why are you looking at me like that? There were eight other ponies in the dining room when they entered. Princess Celestia, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Shining Armor and Princess Cadance. They were already seated and waiting, for the most part, patiently. Princess Celestia, much unlike her sister, was wearing nothing more than her regalia. A puzzled eyebrow had risen into her ethereal mane when she caught sight of her sister. Trying to impress someone, are we? she asked teasingly, quickly opening a private telepathic link to Luna to keep the words private. The younger alicorn’s face turned a bright red through her coat. That is none of your business! she replied angrily. None of the other ponies were wearing much in the way of clothing, either. Twilight looked at her friends, each as naked as the day they were born, except for Applejack and her hat. “And nopony told me?” she asked with a weary sigh. “None of you thought to maybe send a letter or something?” “Sorry, Twi,” Applejack said, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly. “None of us thought you’d dress up for somethin’ like this.” “Dinner with the Princesses, Applejack. Dinner with the Princesses,” Twilight whispered, a note of mania in her voice. “Of course I’d dress up for something like this!” Turns out, it wasn’t actually a formal thing. Doesn’t mean I liked the dinner suit any less. Most of the ponies were, well, naked. At the time, I couldn’t help but wonder just why Luna was all dressed up. I found out later that night, trust me. Oh, you’ll know when I get there. Anyway, there was another one with wings and a horn, and she wasn’t some immortal living goddess. No, just a relatively normal pony that happened to get lucky. She was also pink. Yes, pink. “So, is she your girlfriend or...” “Wife, actually,” Shining Armor said, smiling awkwardly. He wasn’t particularly comfortable being this close to Thomas, but the way he was dressed and how polite he seemed was enough to make him rethink how he short he had been with him before. “And the horn and wings mean you’re royalty?” the Courier asked, directing his question at Cadance. “No, just a happy coincidence,” the light pink alicorn replied. “I am a princess, but what I look like has nothing to do with it.” Look, I don’t want to bore you with the details of that night. It was long, trust me. Do you want me to skip to the good bits? Yeah? Okay then. The first one, well... Apparently, I can sing. “A song from home?” “Yeah!” Pinkie Pie replied eagerly. “I wanna know what kinda thing you sing about!” “Ah’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Applejack said apprehensively. The past half hour had been enough to thoroughly convince her that she had been wrong about Thomas, but there was a part of her that still worried. “Ain’t they gonna be about, y’know...?” “Just because where I am from is violent does not mean the songs reflect that,” the Courier retorted, his words a little slurred from the three glasses of wine he had had. “The only one I can think of is about a lawbringer.” “I remember you singing a song shortly before you were let out of detention,” Celestia said. “Could we hear the rest of it, maybe?” “I guess,” he answered, sounding as though he didn’t want to actually sing. It didn’t stop him, though, and he licked his lips and began to whistle a tune. Then he sung “Heartaches by the number Troubles by the score Every day you love me less Each day I love you more Yes, I've got heartaches by the number A love that I can't win But the day that I stop counting That's the day my world will end Heartache number one was when you left me I never knew I could hurt this way And heartache number two Was when you came back again You came back but never meant to stay Yes, I've got Heartaches by the number Troubles by the score Every day you love me less Each day I love you more Yes, I've got heartaches by the number A love that I can't win But the day that I stop counting That's the day my world will end Heartache number three was when you called me And said that you were comin' back to stay With hopeful heart I waited for your knock on the door I waited but you must have lost your way Yes, I've got Heartaches by the number Troubles by the score Every day you love me less Each day I love you more Yes, I've got heartaches by the number A love that I can't win But the day that I stop counting That's the day my world will end.” He finished singing and found the ponies staring at him. “Was I that bad? And was I the only one who heard music?” Princess Luna was the first to recover. “No! Your voice is... amazing.” “Ah din’t think you could sing like that,” Applejack added. All the other ponies agreed, praising him. “That was awesome! Don’t you know any happy songs, though?” Pinkie Pie asked, sounding a little disappointed. “Hmm...” The Courier thought for a moment before a sly smile formed. “I think I have one.” He cleared his throat again and began to sing. “Blue Moon, you saw me standing alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for You heard me saying a prayer for Someone I really could care for And then there suddenly appeared before me The only one my arms would hold I heard somebody whisper, "please adore me" And when I looked to the moon it turned to gold Blue moon, now I'm no longer alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own.” Luna turned crimson as the other ponies tried to stifle their laughter at what was undoubtedly a joke at her expense. “And then there suddenly appeared before me The only one my arms will ever hold I heard somebody whisper, "please adore me" And when I looked the moon had turned to gold Blue moon Now I'm no longer alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own Blue moon Now I'm no longer alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own.” He finished the song and flashed the Princess of the Night a grin. “I didn’t know the moon could turn red,” he commented. “And I definitely heard music that time,” he added, looking around for its source. “Where is it coming from?” I sung a few more songs after that, can’t remember which ones though. Sorry. I was worried that all the progress I had made at that point would disappear when that white one, what was her name again...? Rarity! That’s it. Yeah, when I told her what my duster is made of. Her reaction, though, along with everyone else’s, not what I was expecting in the slightest. “So, Thomas, what were you wearing?” “Hm?” He looked up, pasta hanging from his mouth as he was interrupted from shovelling it in, his fork still next to his mouth. He slurped up what was hanging out as Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie snickered. “Sorry, what was that?” “I was asking about what you were wearing earlier,” Rarity’s expression one of mild distaste. “I’ve never seen anything quite like that coat.” “Oh, my duster,” Thomas replied, now understanding what she wanted to know. “Well I... I found it in the Divide!” he said a little too loudly. “Not made from bits of animals or anything like that!” He hoped that, by explicitly denying what it was made of, they would focus more on that aspect and forget to ask in more detail where he had found it. He wasn’t particularly proud that he had pulled it off a corpse. So it came as quite a shock when the mare just continued to eat as though he had not told her that parts of his clothing were made from tanned animals hides. Which, while technically true, was not the case. “I’ve never seen anything made with such a large quantity before. I take it those gloves were made of the same material?” “Uh, yeah, leather,” the Courier replied, still a little mystified. Why was she so calm about this? “Is that what’s it called?” the unicorn asked, only baffling the man even further. Then they spent ten minutes telling me that a large portion of the guard’s armour that isn’t metal is actually leather, along with other things used in industry and such. It makes sense, but something about it just doesn’t feel right. They get it imported, apparently. Something about griffons, I think they said. And something about it being something they just accept because of its usefulness. Doesn’t really explain why she didn’t just freak out. Anyway, a while after that was the first downer of the night. Had to happen, just wish it wasn’t like that... “So, Twily says you’re a soldier?” Shining Armor asked, attempting to find common ground with the Courier. “Civilian contractor,” he replied drunkenly. Thomas had lost count of how many glasses of wine he had had, but there were easily five empty bottles on the table. Most of the mares had either retired for the night, or were so drunk themselves that they were engaged in their own private conversations. “I don’t like the word ‘mercenary’, t-too many idiots giving it a bad name.” “Oh,” Shining said unhappily. “I see.” Normally, Thomas would have ignored such a reaction. Unfortunately, he was very definitely drunk, and Drunk Thomas was nowhere near as friendly or rational as Sober Thomas. “You gotta problem with that?” “In my experience, those who hire themselves out for money like some back-alley whore have nothing in the way of morals,” the unicorn replied, amazingly articulate for the amount of wine he had consumed. Unfortunately for both parties, he was also quite drunk and the rules that applied to the Courier also applied to Shining Armor. “Shining!” Princess Cadance exclaimed angrily. They both ignored her. “So, you think that just because I’m a gun for hire, that means I’m some kind of immoral killer?” he asked, leaning over the table to better look the stallion in the eye, his words coming out as a slurred mess. “Judging by that Diamond Dog nest you cleared out, I think so,” the drunk guard replied nastily. “They were tr-trying to enslave children.” Thomas blinked before continuing. “They got what was comin’.” “What they had coming was imprisonment,” Shining retorted. “Vigilante justice only makes things worse.” “Shining,” Cadance said again, her voice eerily flat and devoid of emotion. Yet again, she was ignored. “And idiots like you call yourselves ‘heroes’, where all you do is destroy lives, peace and any security there might have been!” Shining finished. “Oh great,” Twilight Sparkle muttered from the sidelines, facehoofing. She had been watching the whole thing, prepared to intervene if things got ugly. “They’re having the ‘mercenary’ argument, aren’t they?” she asked no-one in particular. “One moment,” Cadance said, stepping closer, sick of being ignored. “How about we settle this?” the Courier asked drunkenly, standing up unsteadily. The grim look of determination would have been more impressive if his eyes weren’t so unfocused. “Okay then!” Shining Armor made to stand up as well, but was stopped when a strange blue glow enveloped his left ear and began to tug. “Owowowowow!” Really? A group called Talon Company, huh? Sounds like a bunch of complete bastards. I’m just glad his wife stepped in. That bastard has a shield spell of sorts, I bet if that hit me I would’ve dropped dead. And it was really satisfying seeing him whimper like that. Anyway, after that everyone else decided to leave. Somehow though, from there things managed to get even weirder. Luna and Thomas staggered through the halls of the castle, drawing a number of worried looks from the guard. They were both very drunk, and as if to emphasise this they were both leaning against each other and taking sips from a bottle of wine the Courier had swiped from the dining room. “T-that was a good dinner,” he said happily. “‘Twas,” the princess replied. “A shame about what happened with you and the captain,” she added drunkenly. “He thought he could take me!” Thomas exclaimed drunkenly before laughing. He took another swig from the bottle. “Damn that is good. Want some?” he asked, offering it to Luna. “Thank you,” the alicorn replied, gripping the mouth of the bottle in her teeth. The guards were treated to the very strange sight of a human bottle-feeding one of their princesses like she was a foal. “W-we really must see to getting more,” she said when she stopped, the bottle now empty. “Fuck, you drank it all?” he asked, holding the bottle up. They progressed in silence for a few moments more. Somehow, they had managed to find Thomas’ room in their drunken state, and the pair entered. “Bed!” he exclaimed. “But I don’t feel tired,” he added. “Neither do I,” the princess said, making her way to his bed and clambering onto it. “Don’t you have your own room?” Thomas asked, watching as Luna removed her dress and jewellery. “”Tis too far,” she answered as she struggled with one of her shoes. Thomas went over and grabbed it, wrenching it off with ease. As he sat on the bed and removed his jacket, she spoke. “I cannot even remove my own shoes, what hope do I have of making it to my own room?” “True,” he said, swaying slightly. He opened his mouth to say more, but got the shock of his life when the princess forced her lips onto his. “It has been over a thousand years since I have lain with another,” she said when she pulled away. She was trying to do a sultry smile, but her drunkenness had reduced it to something closer to a lecherous leer. Thomas didn’t respond immediately, as though thinking things through. After about fifteen seconds, he shrugged. “Why not?” And so, a horny moon goddess more or less forced herself onto me. I was a completely smashed, and it had been a while, so I just went with it. Fine, call me a pervert. I know you went and hired Fisto at the Wrangler when you showed up in town. Damn creepy robosexual. Author’s Notes: I imagine the Wanderer giving the Courier the “are you fucking retarded?” look at the cheese comment. And the reaction of Beese, who is a friend, collaborator and sort-of-not-really co-author, when I told him what I had planned for the last paragraph. Me: Also, had this part for the end of the dinner thing with the Courier *The very last paragraph* Beese: Oh god Me: Is that a good Oh God or a bad Oh God? Beese: It's.... A little bit of both to be honest Beese: It's fine, it's fine. It's just... Oh god. Me: In that case, Mission Success! Oh, and I have saved that little conversation What was your reaction? And yes, the inaccuracy in that last paragraph is completely intentional.