Vinyl Scratch’s Mystery Crush: Revealed!
As regular readers will remember, last week this very column uncovered the juicy scoop that Vinyl Scratch was taking some time off to be with a certain mystery mare as part of a deal with her producer, Sound Wave. The tantalizing bit of that story that had everypony talking? The identity of that mare, of course! Well, dear readers, Gabby Gums has the answers you’ve been looking for!
Our on-the-ground investigative team worked long and hard to find out the identity of this mysterious pony, and their hard work paid off. Yesterday Vinyl was spotted at a hot-and-trendy restaurant chatting it up with none other than Octavia Melody, one of the members of the prestigious Canterlot Orchestra! As you can see from the picture below, she was feeling cool, calm, and collected, exuding the kind of confidence that simply screams Vinyl Scratch. Who knew that classical was Vinyl’s style?
Certainly not Vinyl herself, if our interview with her is any indication! When our reporters caught up to her after an exciting high-speed chase through the streets of Canterlot, the party queen herself had this to say:
“The whole thing really came out of nowhere and didn’t give me much time to react, a lot like your cart a few minutes ago,” she said, her eyes noticeably darting around the alleyway she had finally been cornered in, “I just figured, you know, I should give it a shot and see what happens.” Give it a shot? See what happens? Sounds like she still isn’t too sure if her sweetheart feels the same way! Well, we here at the Flabby Gums Column aren’t content with not knowing, and luckily we were able to catch Octavia as she was fleeing the scene for an exclusive interview!
“Vinyl is… different,” said Octavia, taking a swig from a bottle she had been hiding in her dress (we hope that’s apple juice, Octy!) “Her personality is… interesting. I can definitely say that I’ve never met anypony quite like her. And that I will most likely be talking to her again in the future.” Oh my, are those wedding bells I hear? It sounds like your crush has a thing for you too, Vinyl! “I’m sure you are aware that we’ve worked together in the past, and she was generally exactly how I remembered her.” Hear that, Vinyl? Octavia remembered you after all these years! Sounds like true love to me!
Well, readers, we’ll just have to see what happens to these two lovebirds. Will this fairy tale couple have a happy ending? Or was their pairing never meant to be? You’ll hear about it here first, on Equestria’s #1 gossip column! Signing off, xoxo, Flabby Gums. (Those who continue to pursue the false notion that this column is in any way related to the similarly titled “Gabby Gums” column should note the fact that Flabby Gums has made a deal with the original authors of Gabby Gums giving up all legal rights, meaning that even if Flabby Gums were in any way related to the aforementioned Gabby Gums column (which it is not, and any suggestions that it is constitute slander), Flabby Gums now has full rights to the original column, which it legally purchased for 10 bits and a box of cookies, and thus cannot be sued over such matters.)
Tomorrow: Does Princess Luna have a naughty side? Our reporters go undercover to get to the bottom of rumors that the Night Princess herself sometimes wears underwear!
Vinyl was waiting. She was also very, very annoyed and very, very bored. The Wave Records offices were always an unpleasant place to have to visit, and this time was no exception. Not helping either of those facts was the gray mare across from her, who seemed to be conducting the painfully slow music drifting through the speakers with her head back and eyes closed.
“So… You uh, really like that music, huh?” she offered after some time. Octavia gave no indication she heard her, staying on the beat perfectly as she hummed to herself. Vinyl raised an eyebrow.
“I said, you really like that music, huh?” she repeated, raising her voice. Still no response as Octavia began to give signals to the invisible sections playing the piece, using one hoof to cue in the woodwinds as they faded in while keeping perfect time with the other.
“You know, for somepony who likes music so much, you sure seem pretty deaf.”
“Braythoven was deaf, you know,” she answered, making Vinyl jump, “and he was still able to write this piece.” Her eyes still closed, Octavia’s hooves sped up perfectly in time as the music slowly began to build into its finale.
“Yeah, I can tell. Only a deaf pony would think this is good,” said Vinyl, rolling her eyes. “Seriously, how did ponies used to like this? This sounds like a real song that got stabbed and is slowly bleeding out in an alleyway. It’s like a song that they wrote to sing sloths to sleep. It’s like the rock and roll they’d play in a town where dancing is illegal.”
“You’re speaking of one of the greatest composers of all time,” said Octavia, opening her eyes to glare at Vinyl. “You ought to have more respect for a pony that revolutionized the field of music to such an enormous extent. His pieces still influence the way we write to this very day.”
“Yeah, sure. Maybe you write like him, but those of us in this century know what real music sounds like.” Vinyl smirked. “You know, those of us who can actually hear it.”
Octavia’s hooves were still as the violins held their final note.
“The problem was not that I was unable to hear you, it was that what you were saying was not worth listening to,” she said, her last word emphasized by her hooves cutting off precisely as the final note of the song ended.
“I’m not worth listening to? Do you realize how many albums I’ve sold in the past year alone? How many fans I have? I have more ponies visit my concerts than you could get in a lifetime,” Vinyl said, annoyance beginning to seep into her voice.
“Yes, and I’m sure they are all brainless children who would buy whatever garbage you manage to spew out no matter how bad it is,” replied Octavia, a slight smile creeping onto her face as she closed her eyes and began conducting the next piece, its intro beginning to waft through the speakers.
“At least my only fans aren’t rich snobs who only watch my concerts because they think it’ll make them look cultured!” seethed Vinyl, practically shouting at this point, “Hey Octavia, how many of your fans’ll be alive in the next ten years, huh? What, you think just because you play in the Canterlot Orchestra, you can tell everypony what music is?” She stood up and walked over to Octavia, her cheeks now turning bright red. “You think just because you work four hours a day, you’re better than all of us that have to actually work to make it in the music industry? IS YOUR HEAD STUCK SO FAR UP YOUR FLANK THAT YOU—”
“HEY, SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAPS, LADIES!” yelled the receptionist, looking up from her magazine. “Mr. Wave is meeting a very important client right now, and if you two don’t shut it, I will personally drag you up to the roof and throw you off!”
Nothing but the gentle sounds of Braythoven were heard for the next few seconds.
“There, much better. Now if you’ll excuse me, some of us have work to do,” she said. Her head disappeared behind her magazine once again, “101 Weight Loss Tips with Princess Celestia!” emblazoned across the cover.
Vinyl shuffled back to her seat, glowering at Octavia as she did so, then becoming more annoyed when she noticed Octavia’s eyes were still closed and couldn’t see her. Octavia’s hooves were still in time with the music as she conducted.
Several minutes passed before Octavia finally broke the silence between them.
“I hope you realize that my work does not end at my performances. I clawed my way to the top just the same as you, and as such I am no stranger to hard work.”
Vinyl’s face softened slightly.
“Yeah, sure you did. I’m sure being set for life as one of the Canterlot elites takes some real hard work. After all, you have to hang around other stuck-up, snobby ponies like you all day.” A slight chuckle escaped her lips. “Maybe that’s why there’s so many rumors about how drunk you get after concerts.”
Octavia’s hooves missed a beat as she flinched, then immediately recovered.
“While I may have a drink or two to celebrate a successful performance, that in no way makes me a drunkard. Besides, I’m sure you do far worse than alcohol at those ridiculous parties of yours.”
“Mr. Wave will see you now,” said the receptionist, interrupting any retort Vinyl was planning. Both ponies stood up and lowly trudged to the door as a brown stallion exited the office, adjusting his tie as he did so. The two filed in as the receptionist disinterestedly closed the door behind them.
“Ah, Miss Melody! Miss Scratch! Just the ponies I wanted to see. Please, have a seat!” Sound Wave beamed as the two sat down in the identical chairs he had set out for them. “Would either of you like something to drink?”
“No thank you,” replied Octavia, and Wave put away one of the two glasses he had gotten out, filling the other from the strange bottle he kept on his desk. Both Octavia and Vinyl waited as he took a small sip, then placed the bottle into one of his desk drawers.
“Now, I realize I didn’t do a perfect job explaining my intentions the last time I met with you two,” he said, placing his hooves together on the desk. “You see, there is a reason I want you two to act your best to love each other out there. All I want is for you two to understand what it means to be a part of the Wave Records family, and I chose you two because you can each teach each other a little something about that.”
Vinyl and Octavia looked at each other, then simultaneously rolled their eyes.
“Oh, don’t give me that look. Allow me to explain. Vinyl, you’ve always been a wild party girl at heart, and that’s great. People like that. But you need to learn a bit more about when to be humble, and show respect to authority. That’s why I chose Octavia to teach you those things.”
Vinyl and Octavia looked like they were about to say something, but were cut off as Sound Wave continued.
“Now Octavia, you’ve always played well, but you know what you’ve never done? Engaged with your fans! Ponies would be a lot more interested in your work if you talked to them about it, you know. That’s why I chose Vinyl to teach you how to really connect with your listeners and be more open with them. I apologize for doing so in such a forceful manner, but I think you can see now that my actions were for the best.”
The room was quiet as Wave sat smiling at the two, clearly waiting for one of them to thank him. Vinyl and Octavia merely stared back at him in bewilderment. Finally, Octavia broke the silence.
“Er, excuse me, but if you wanted us to be mentors to each other, could you not have done so in a more professional manner? Perhaps a weekly meeting of some sort instead of forcing us to date each other?”
Wave chuckled at the foolishness of her question. “Don’t be ridiculous, Miss Melody. A weekly meeting wouldn’t be nearly as fast or as effective as what I’ve done for you. After all, in this industry I expect results, and fast! Arranging you to be partners means that you’ll balance each other out as part of the relationship. After all, when your marefriend tells you to do something, you listen! If I told you to fix a problem in your careers, you might not do so as immediately as is necessary.”
“Besides,” he continued, “this is a company with family values to uphold. Especially you, Vinyl. I’ll be frank: your image needs work. Nopony takes you seriously now, but if you started dating a member of the Canterlot Orchestra? Why, just imagine the difference it would make! Everypony would line up to see the two of you perform together as a couple, and you’d be the talk of the town. I’ve gotten you two on every gossip column in town, and if we keep this going, you can stay there!”
Once again, Octavia was the first to speak up.
“I beg your pardon? I despise being on those horrible columns, I’ve told you that before. Why would I want to keep the paparazzi happy, of all ponies?”
Sound Wave sighed. “Because quite simply, if we don’t keep them happy, we sell less records. And if we sell less records, that means I can’t pay you as much as you deserve. Look Octavia, I get it. Dealing with the paparazzi can be a little stressful at times, but they do so much for the company and for you. After all, you’re both part of the Wave Records family, and that means that I only want the best for you. You’re both like daughters to me, and that’s why I want only the best for you.”
“Do you normally force your daughters to date each other?” replied Vinyl.
“Don’t be silly, it’s a figure of speech. Don’t look too much into it. I just mean that all I want for you is for you to learn and grow as ponies, to see things in a way you wouldn’t be able to see them otherwise. Here, allow me to demonstrate.” He walked over to the corner and picked up his guitar. “Trust me, this will all make sense soon.”
He began to slowly play a simple melody. It was a sad little tune, one that might have evoked sadness and loss had it been played by someone more competent. After finishing, he replaced his guitar to its spot and looked at the two of them expectantly.
“Well? What did you think?”
Vinyl and Octavia shared a glance. Eventually, Octavia cleared her throat.
“Erm, it had a nice sound, with a nice use of largo to evoke a feeling of despair and hopelessness? I’m not quite sure what you want me to say.”
“No no, that’s perfect!” replied Wave. “Now Vinyl, what did you think of that piece?”
“Honestly?”
“Yes, of course! I want nothing but your honest opinion!” Octavia nervously shifted in her seat.
“It was super depressing, I didn’t like it. Also, you kind of need to practice.”
Wave said nothing for a few seconds, and Vinyl began to worry. Should she have just lied like Octavia? She was lying, right? There was no way she seriously thought it was good just because for being slow. Would it have been a good idea to just make something up? Even if-
“Bwaaahahaha!”
Vinyl’s thoughts were interrupted by a hearty laugh from Sound Wave.
“See? This is exactly what I was talking about! Each of you has something to teach the other, that’s why you compliment each other so perfectly! Octavia, you could really learn something from Vinyl’s honesty and openness. And Vinyl, you could learn something from Octavia’s dignity and respect for authority. You see? Yin and yang, opposites attract and all that. I’m sure you’ll come around to appreciate one another as time goes on, as you realize how much better off you truly are together. I see it, the public sees it, and eventually you’ll see it too.”
“Yeahhhhh, I’m with Octavia on this one,” said Vinyl after a pause. “You couldn’t have set up a workshop or something, weekly meetings? Literally anything other than forcing us to pretend to date each other?”
“Oh no no no, that wouldn’t have worked at all! Besides, you two make the most perfect couple together, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to get you to see that you’re perfect for one another. Trust me, you’ll thank me at the wedding,” he said, winking.
Both Octavia and Vinyl’s eyes bulged.
“I’m sorry, a wedding? Are you forcing us to get married?” sputtered Octavia. “Mr. Wave, a reputation is worth a lot, but it isn’t worth this! You can do whatever you like, but that is a line I simply will not cross!”
“Yeah, I’m not getting married to her, you creep! There is no way in Tartarus that I’m getting married to some stuck-up noblepony just because you feel like it! The deal’s off, Sound Wave!”
“Woah now, hold your horses you two, if you’ll pardon the expression. I was just suggesting that it might be a possibility when you two learn to like each other a little more, when you grow to appreciate each other’s company. Really now, you need to stop taking things so literally.”
Vinyl uneasily sat back down. Octavia slowly relaxed.
“So… What do you want us to do then? I’m assuming you want us to go on another, um, date?” asked Octavia, cringing.
“Not this week, I’m afraid. Even though your last one went so very well, I’d like the two of you to get to know each other a bit more before your next one.”
“Wait, really?” said Vinyl, perking up.
“Hold on, isn’t that usually the entire point of going on a date in the first place?” asked Octavia.
“Normally, yes,” replied Sound Wave, “but you’re celebrities! There are some things that just can’t be discussed in front of the world. That’s why I want you two to meet up and get to know each other in a more private setting. I’ll only alert the media when you two are going on one of your official dates. This time there’ll be no cameras, and no paparazzi.”
Vinyl’s eyes lit up.
“Really? You’ll let us talk in peace?”
“Of course! Couples need time alone to grow together. I know you’ve got plenty of questions you were just dying to ask at that first date of yours, but couldn’t because you were afraid of what ponies would think when they heard you ask about it.”
“Yeah, and whose fault is it that the paparazzi showed up?” muttered Vinyl.
“Oh come now, you know how they like a good story.” Wave leaned in, and his face hardened. “And that attitude is what got you in trouble in the first place. Just be glad that I’m giving you this time to yourselves. Don’t waste it, or I’ll know. You are dismissed.”
Vinyl opened her mouth to reply, but was cut short by an elbow to the stomach.
“Let’s just go before he changes his mind,” whispered Octavia, pulling Vinyl toward the door. “Thank you, Mr. Wave. That’s very generous of you,” she said aloud. Reluctantly, Vinyl followed her into the lobby. However, once she closed the door behind her, she pulled Octavia to a corner away from the door and turned on her.
“What was that! You do realize he’s just using this as part of his mind games, right? He’ll just walk all over you if you just agree to everything like that!”
“It’s called tact, a skill that you unsurprisingly don’t seem to possess,” replied Octavia, gritting her teeth. “Of course he’s planning something, I’m not stupid! But this might be the one time we can plan something without a hundred reporters breathing down our necks, and I’m not going to waste it! You’re only going to make things worse by yelling at him, so just take what he’s giving you and save the insults for later.
“Look, I know how to deal with uptight jerks who think they’re smarter than you. And I know how to deal with cameras that ponies think are hidden. You have to play around them, and put on a show. I’ve got a bug detector at my penthouse, and I’ll check all the rooms beforehand. If Wave has anything set up, we’ll know exactly where to be so that he can’t hear what we’re talking about.”
“Wow, paranoid much? Who keeps a bug detector just lying around?”
“It isn’t paranoia if there really are ponies trying to spy on you. My point is, this might be our chance to get the upper hoof on that monster. If we do this right, we can plan something together to get us out of this mess.”
Vinyl raised an eyebrow.
“Well… it’s not like I have much of a choice. I guess I’ll see you there.”
“Perfect. Arrive at 5:00 in two days.”
As Vinyl turned to leave, Octavia whispered to herself, “And please, please have a better plan than mine.”