//------------------------------// // This Side of Paradise // Story: Panzerlost: Rommel in Equestria // by The Party Pony //------------------------------// It began with a dream. A haunting melody wandered through the vision like a lazy river, a simple yet bizarre tune with an almost Saddle-Arabian sound. A chorus of deep voices echoed in the background, chanting the words of some strange language she couldn't understand. Wir sind das deutsche Afrikakorps Des Führers verwegene Truppe Wir stürmen wie die Teufel hervor Versalzen dem Tommy die Suppe Wir fürchten nicht Hitze und Wüstensand Wir trotzen dem Durst und dem Sonnenbrand Marschieren beim Takt unserer Trommel Vorwärts, vorwärts Vorwärts mit unserem Rommel! The first thing she saw in her dream was sunlight; blinding sunlight that poured mercilessly from the endless skies above, and drowned her in its unrelenting glare. Rolling sands stretched out before her, an endless ocean of brown dust in every direction. But on the horizon, something was visible. It was a line of vehicles, the likes of which she had never seen before, vehicles that growled like great beasts. Strange creatures followed behind them, like hairless apes that reared up on their hind legs. They wore dusty brown uniforms and carried strange weapons of wood and steel. Still the music continued its haunting course, and now she could see that it was the ape-creatures who were singing along. Die Briten fürchten uns wie die Pest Sie sitzen auf glühenden Kohlen Wir rächen Deutsch-Ost und rächen Südwest Das einst sie uns feige gestohlen Sind Churchhill und Roosevelt auch Wut entbrannt Wir werfen die Feinde in jedemLand Es schlägt Generalmarsch die Trommel Vorwärts, vorwärts Vorwärts mit unserem Rommel! She turned, and there stood a great creature, greater then any of the other hairless apes. Despite the inherent ugliness of his species, he had an aura of nobility that surrounded him; his very manner reminded her of the Knights of old. He wore a battered visor cap with field goggles, and authority seemed to emanate from him. She did not know his name, but suddenly, it became clear. Even though she couldn't understand the music, or the voices, or anything about the language, somehow, deep within the fiber of her being, she knew his name. He was called the Desert Fox. Celestia's eyes snapped open, awoken from the most vivid dream she had ever experienced. Her whole body still shook, and she nearly collapsed as she tried to get out of bed. Her fur was matted with sweat, and her mane was tangled and disheveled. She was back in her familiar castle bedroom. The creatures, the desert, the growling metal vehicles, the Desert Fox... it was all gone, disappearing into nothing like a whiff of smoke. "If only Luna was still here to guard the dream realm." she muttered, not for the first time in the last thousand years. "Maybe she would have the answer to this..." But in her heart, she knew it was a prophesy. Somehow, though the Elements of Harmony had been lost long ago, Celestia knew they had given her a vision, a hazy glipse of the future. Desperately needing a breath of fresh air, she burst through the doors and onto the balcony. The city of Canterlot stretched out below her, flickering lights marking the boundaries of streets and houses. Beyond Canterlot, almost invisible in the darkness, she could see the Alicorn Mountains, rising like a massive wall in the east. She knew that even now her soldiers were moving to fortify the passes, to defend as long as they could against the Crystal Legions. But still, King Sombra's armies marched closer with each and every day. Now they were practically at her gates. Canterlot, Equestria, and all the free world would fall into flame and death. Unless... Unless they had help. THE PARTY PONY PRESENTS: PANZERLOST - ROMMEL IN EQESTRIA JANUARY 25TH, 1942 - MSUS, NORTH AFRIKA Canons thundered and machine guns rattled in a deafening overture of military power. The blackened remains of panzers, and the brown-uniformed bodies of infantrymen were scattered in the desert dust. But still the panzers rolled on, six Panzer IIs and a hulking Panzer III, turrets rocking with the force of their barrage. Their shells rained down like the wrath of Heaven itself, sending the city of Msus into a deadly inferno. Amid the flame and confusion, in the midst of the lumbering tank division, there stood a well-dressed man. He was tall and proud, his greatcoat billowing behind him like a cape. "Vorwärts!" he shouted, waving a baton in the air, "Vorwärts, schnell! Die Briten sitzen auf glühenden kohlen! Schnell!" This was Field Marshal Erwin Rommel, the Desert Fox. "Forwards, men, hurry!" he was saying in urgent German, "we have the British on the retreat! Quickly!" Stray bullets whizzed around him, but he took no notice. One zipped close to his ear before ricocheting off the Panzer with a clatter. Without missing a beat, he stepped forward and emptied his 9mm Luger in the general direction of the enemy. If he expected his soldiers to brave the fire of the enemy, he would do the same. The Panzer III beside him shuddered, and a shell screamed towards an enemy building in the distance. It was a direct hit. The building exploded in a cloud of flame and smoke, rocking the very ground on which Rommel stood. "News from the southern end of the village, Herr Feldmarshal." Oberlutenant Gerhard, one of his subordinates, appeared. His head was wrapped in a bandage, and the sleeve of his sand-brown Heer uniform was stained crimson with blood, but he didn't even seem to notice. "Herr Feldmarshal," he exclaimed vehemently, "the British are falling back eastwards towards Benghazi. Ober Karl-Heinz says that we can capture several vehicles of the 1st Armored if we press the attack!" "Very well." replied the Rommel with a curt nod. "Send word to Ober Hasso, tell him to bring up his Panzer IIIs on the eastern edge of the city." "Ja'vohl, herr feldmarshal!" declared the oberlutenant, raising his arm in salute. Rommel tapped his baton to the tip of his visor cap in turn, then went back to commanding his men. "Quickly, men! Into the cover of those buildings! Quickly!" It happened all at once. One moment he was in the blinding sun of the Libyan desert, commanding his brave panzers in a masterful attack. The next moment, he was in darkness. Total, utter, darkness. Then, just as soon as it came, before he could even react, the darkness retreated. He was standing in grass. Beautiful, vibrant green grass, the kind he hadn't seen since he left Germany. Low rolling hills stretched out in all directions, a mountain range rising like teeth on the northern horizon. "What the devil happened?!" he shouted, looking rapidly around his new environment. The silence was so sudden it almost hurt his ears. Nothing but the quiet chirping of birds in a distant forest. "Where the devil am I?!" "Princess! A strange creature has been sighted on the plains towards the south." announced the guard. He removed his tarnished gold helmet and bowed low before his liege. "The scouts say they have no idea how he made it through our lines without their knowledge." Princess Celestia calmly set down her cup of tea and sighed. Could her soldiers do nothing on their own? "Get together a few soldiers and see if you can reason with this creature. What did it look like exactly?" "A...er..." the guard stammered, trying to find an apt description. "...A hairless ape, I suppose." "Reared up on its hind legs?!" exclaimed Celestia. Her eyes became suddenly sharp. "Er, yes, My Princess. It also had a long black coat, and-" The sentry couldn't finish. Celestia was already gone. Rommel sat down on the grass and tried to piece together the situation. As absurd and frightening as this situation was, he couldn't let it shake him. If his time in the Wehrmacht had taught him one thing, it was discipline. No matter what the situation, no matter what was happening, he had to take a logical view on things. "Perhaps," he mused, "I was shot in the head by a British bullet. These might be my brain's last desperate fantasies before I die." He looked down at the grass that carpeted the hills around him. Every blade, every tiny dandelion was completely distinct, completely detailed. If his brain was generating all this, it must be working overtime. "Then perhaps I am in Heaven." he continued. That sounded like a far more reasonable assumption. Then something appeared. Something stranger, more bizarre, then even Rommel's magnificent intellect could ever quantify. It was a winged unicorn. Rommel blinked and rubbed his eyes. Unicorns were the stuff of myth and legend- except this one wasn't. Its coat, mane and tail seemed to glow a blinding gold in the afternoon sunlight. Its beautiful feathered wings were furled against its sides, and its head and chest were decorated with gold. Its perfect lines made the big, heavy pack horses he used in Afrika seem as if they were carved by a sculptor who was earnest, well-intentioned, and more than a bit of a blockhead. It was, without a doubt, the most majestic creature Rommel had ever witnessed. "Hello, Desert Fox." it said calmly. And it talks, too. Of course. Why wouldn't the winged unicorn also talk? Either I'm in a different world, or I'm in a padded truck on my way to Berlin, thought Rommel wryly. "Welcome to Equestria," the creature continued. "My name is Celestia. I'm the ruler of this realm." Rommel realized it wasn't even speaking German! It was talking in a strange language that sounded vaguely similar to English. And yet somehow, he could still understand it. This day was getting rapidly more bizarre. He slowly rose to his feet and stood at attention. "I... ah... hello." he said at last, uncharacteristically bewildered. "I am Feldmarshal Erwin Rommel." He took a deep breath to steady himself, and decided to take things one question at a time. "You're not speaking my language. How can I understand you?" "Magic." answered the creature simply. And apparently it wasn't kidding. Under normal circumstances, Rommel would have said magic was a load of bullocks, but these certainly weren't normal circumstances. "Where am I, and how did I get here?" he continued calmly, fighting to keep his composure. He just had to avoid thinking about the fact it was a talking horse he was addressing. "As I said before, you are in Equestria." said the winged unicorn with a smile. "As for how you got here... I'm not quite sure myself. But I feel a very deep magical aura about you, one I haven't felt in a very long time." It continued, half to itself. "It must have been the Tree of Harmony... the Elements were lost long ago, but the Tree... perhaps it grew strong enough to invade another dimension, to spirit away a great warrior to help us in our war." Rommel only picked up a few words here and there, but with swift thinking, he got the general idea. "You're saying some kind of... magical tree... took me away from my own world? So I can help you fight some kind of war?" He had heard of magical trees before. Oak trees that his heathen ancestors had once worshiped, sacrificing to Thor and other gods of wood and stone. But clearly the magical tree this horse was talking about was different. Rommel was here, after all, and that seemed to be a damn good proof that magic was real. At least in this world. The creature nodded soberly. "Forgive my brevity, but we have to leave soon. I'm afraid your life, and mine, and everyone else's has just gotten more complicated than any of us might wish. I must take you to Canterlot." Seeing Rommel look blank, she explained: "To the capital." Rommel had no idea what was going on anymore. He had given up trying to figure it out. All he knew is that something was offering him to take him somewhere, and that somewhere probably beat sitting by himself in a meadow. "Very well." he said, with a curt nod. Sometimes being a general meant pretending to know what you're doing, even if you have absolutely no idea. This was one of those times. Once these horse-creatures made up their minds, they didn't waste any time. The winged unicorn's horn began to glow with a pale yellow light, and Rommel could feel his body start to go limp. "Don't worry, Desert Fox. It's just a teleportation spell..." The next thing he knew, he was lying on a polished tile floor, gazing upward at an ornate golden ceiling. "What the devil just happened?!" he exclaimed, climbing to his feet. "Teleportation spell? What the devil is that?!" The winged unicorn gave him a puzzled look. "... The wizards in your own world can't teleport?" Rommel buried his head in his hands. "This is too much..." he muttered, "I cannot keep my discipline anymore. This is too much for my sanity to handle..." He felt warm fur against his cheek, and slowly realized the creature was nuzzling him. It was the strangest thing: despite all that had happened, despite this utterly alien environment, somehow, someway... it felt comforting. Something deep within his soul couldn't help but lean forward and put his arms around the animal's neck. They stood that way for a long time, Rommel listening to the sound of its heartbeat and the steady rhythm of its breath. Its fur was so soft and warm, that for a moment he almost forgot where he was. At last, they parted. He was still in a bizarre new world which threw the laws of physics and zoology out the window, but somehow... he felt like everything was going to work out. There was a deep feeling of decisiveness somewhere inside of him; his instincts as a general were starting to take over. "I am ready." said Rommel confidently, brushing the white fur from his greatcoat. "I am ready for whatever this world throws at me. You say I am compelled by magic to come here and to help you fight a war, ja?" "I'm sad to say that you are." replied the winged unicorn with an apologetic smile. "Then it is assumable that whatever magic brought me here will send me back to Germany - that is, my world - when that end is accomplished?" "I... I suppose." replied the creature thoughtfully. "Then what are we waiting for?" inquired Rommel, clapping his hands together with a wide smile. "Let's get moving!" Celestia led the way towards the palace, Rommel strutting confidently behind. The two took a long, pleasant stroll through the streets of the Capital, during which there was a steady conversation. Rommel learned a few things about the Winged Unicorn. He learned that it was a female, her name was Celestia, and she was the Princess of Equestria. Apparently in this world, princesses and not queens were the highest rank of nobility. Was there nothing that made sense anymore? In any case, Rommel felt bizarrely at home in the city of Canterlot. For all the absurd differences, such as the fact that it was populated by talking ponies, or the occasional dirigible that buzzed overhead, it wasn't so different from Lille, or any of the other medieval cities he had seen in his own world. The architecture was absolutely resplendent; it was perched on a cliff and built in high terraces, massive waterfalls cascading in canals through the city. It was as if the castle itself was a part of the natural landscape. Though he would never admit it, Rommel knew Canterlot was far more beautiful than Germany would ever be. When he complimented the city, Celestia smiled sadly. "I just wish you had seen it in a time of peace, Desert Fox. It was far more beautiful then. As it stands, we've had to sacrifice much of the city's architecture to modernize in the face of war." Rommel nodded sadly. He remembered when many cities in fair Germany had done the same during the Great War. Where once beautiful gardens and parks had been, looming grey factories spewed ash and smoke into the murky air. It would never be the same. But I don't have to worry about that now, he thought, an odd sense of peace overtaking him. Those troubles are a world away... literally. Finally they arrived at the beautiful golden gates of The Palace. It was an elaborate affair, more so than anything he had ever seen in his own world. Sheer white towers, glimmering golden banners... it was magnificent. Erwin Rommel and Princess Celestia strolled down the hallway side-by-side, the Desert Fox with his precise military steps and Celestia with her graceful royal gait. It's an odd situation, thought Rommel. He snorted before he could stop himself. THAT's the understatement of the century. He was walking down the hallway with a blasted talking unicorn in a blasted magical kingdom of horses. This was the most absurd thing that was even imaginable. Yet here it was. The stonework that clicked beneath his black boots, the carved walls and stained-glass windows that were ornate enough to rival the Notre Dame in Paris. It was all so very real. And although the concepts were so absurd he couldn't dwell on them for fear of going mad, while he was there, it all seemed perfectly normal. "So, what are things like?" asked Celestia quietly. "In your world, I mean." "Not so different from here, all thing considered." responded Rommel lightly. "Earth is just as technologically advanced as your own culture. Just... in different ways." "How so?" inquired Celestia, seeming genuinely curious. The Desert Fox thought back for a moment, of all the wondrous things he had seen in Canterlot. The airships, the buildings, the trains. And yet the soldiers... "Your Highness, if I may answer a question with a question, how is it that you are so advanced in technology, yet so primitive in warfare? I have seen zeppelins, streets, electricity... yet you still fight with the equivalent of sharpened sticks." Celestia chuckled dryly. "I suppose you have a good point, Mr. Rommel." The Desert Fox winced for a moment at the lack of proper military title. But, he decided, this was an entirely new world, one in which he wasn't even a military official. "Please, call me Erwin." he interrupted cordially. "Very well, Erwin." Celestia smiled. "The truth is, we ponies are a peaceful race. Until this conflict, we haven't had a true war in almost a thousand years." "You mean to tell me that you've had global peace for centuries?" This brought with it an entire host of new questions. How much could humanity have developed in that time, without the scourge of war and destruction? But then again, these ponies didn't seem to be any more advanced then humanity. Perhaps, he mused, peace wasn't as good for progress as people thought. Germany, after all, had been nothing but an impoverished wasteland after the First Great War. Yet, forged in the fire of war and conflict, she emerged stronger than ever before... though not without a price. Progress always came with a price. Rommel often wondered whether it was truly worth saving Germany if it had been reborn under the banner of the swastika. And there were rumors about the sinister machinations of Nazis and Waffen-SS back in the Vaterland. Rumors so terrible that, if they were true, would stain the Reich with a crime against humanity so horrific, it could never be forgotten. Rommel shook his head, dismissing the notion. The rumors were probably false, as all rumors were; some mixture of misunderstanding and Allied propaganda. The people of Germany would never allow such an evil to transpire. He was a noble soldier, not a politician. His job was to carry out orders no matter who gave them, even if it was Nazi Dummköpfe like Heinrich Himmler and Alfred Jodl. Rommel shook his head again, this time with a wry smile. Here he was in a land with talking winged unicorns, no visible way to escape, and he was still worrying about Germany. His swift mind was rambling, wondering off the course it had originally intended to take. He turned back to Celestia, intent on getting back to the topic at hand. "It is a most impressive achievement, Your Highness, maintaining peace for so long." "Thank you." replied Celestia with a sad smile. "It's a shame it couldn't last. It seems that whenever you think the horrors of warfare are over, they merely spring anew from places you never expected." Rommel nodded slowly. Perhaps this world wasn't quite as different as he thought.