//------------------------------// // Rainbow Dash: Princess of Pet Problems // Story: Princess Rainbow Dash, or An Alternate Ending to How Rainbow Dash Got Her Cutie Mark // by LuluCalliope //------------------------------// Princess Rainbow Dash “I don’t know why you were so worried,” Rainbow Dash said to Twilight for the eighteenth millionth time as they headed to Fluttershy’s cottage. They had just finished having brunch with Princess Celestia over at the Sweet Shop...well, THEY were finished eating. Celestia was still nomming on cake and trolling poor Mr. and Mrs. Cake with tea pranks when they left to talk to Fluttershy about “how proud they were about how good of an impression she made on the princess despite them sort of meeting before”, blah blah blah. Twilight was being dramatic, as usual, but Rainbow decided to humor her friend. They arrived at Fluttershy’s cottage in no time, and Rainbow noticed as they approached the front door that the animals seemed a little...on edge. They weren’t acting startled, like they had heard a loud noise, but like they were trying to hide something and trying not to act suspicious. Rainbow wondered what it was all about...and then Twilight opened the door to the cottage. “Hi Fluttershy! I just wanted to drop by and say thanks for making a good first impression on the princess…” “Even though she’s already met everyone before,” Rainbow muttered, but no one heard her over Twilight’s gasp. “What is Celestia’s pet doing here?!” “Well, I couldn’t leave the poor thing like this!” Fluttershy replied, gesturing to Philomena, Princess Celestia’s phoenix. Rainbow Dash had known Celestia for years now, and she had known Philomena for just as long. She didn’t know if all phoenixes liked to literally “play dead” as much as Philomena did, but...the bird was mischievous. Rainbow, as another prankster, respected that. But...given that Fluttershy, one of the most sympathetic ponies in Equestria, didn’t know that, this probably wasn’t a good time for the “sick and dying, pity me” routine. “Relax,” Rainbow smirked. “It’s no big deal.” “No big deal?!” Fluttershy gasped. “Rainbow Dash, how can you stay calm at a time like...this…” Twilight’s voice trailed off as the bird squawked, then crumbled into a pile of ash. The Pegasus and the Unicorn stared at the smoldering pile...then broke into mass hysteria. “Oh my gosh, I killed her!” Fluttershy gasped. Her teal eyes were swimming in tears of sorrow. “Fluttershy, we have to make this look like an accident! Do you know what could happen if Princess Celestia finds out? You could be banished to the moon!” Twilight Sparkle panicked. Rainbow Dash facehoofed and approached her hysterical friends. “Um...you guys know that this is a phoenix, right? And...that this is normal for phoenixes…?” “What do you mean?” Fluttershy sniffled. Twilight also looked perplexed. “Phoenixes live and die, like, every week...they get ready to die, they burst into flames, then become a pile of ashes...then they pop out of the ashes, good as new!” “Huh...I didn’t know that,” Twilight admitted. “You’ve been Celestia’s student for how long now and you never noticed the random singe marks on the castle carpets?” “Well, yes, but I…” “And you never questioned where they came from or how they kept popping up? For that matter, you never saw a fiery bird flying around?” Twilight blushed. “I thought it...the scorch marks...it was marks from...you know...when she was…” “When she was what?” “...having that time of the month…” Twilight mumbled. Rainbow Dash cringed so hard that she was sure she was going to have muscle cramps. How can someone be so smart and yet so clueless?! For that matter, how could Fluttershy, one of the most experienced ponies when it comes to pets and animals, NOT know this? Okay, phoenixes ARE unusual pets, but I don't know... “Just...just get her back to Princess Celestia and explain what happened. I’m going home to enjoy a facial.” She trotted towards the door. “Since when do you do facials?” Twilight asked, surprised. Since you gave me muscle cramps in my face...is what Rainbow Dash wanted to say. Instead, she forced a grin and replied, “Since when has your first reaction to something sick been ‘we have to hide the body’?” Twilight blushed again. Rainbow Dash flew away before the Unicorn could reply. And as she flew, she pondered her parting words to Twilight and wondered...but then she decided: I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know… “...okay, I kind of want to know. Who’s this guy?” Things became uneventful following “incident Philomena”...except for the fact that Rainbow Dash started getting terrible migraines at seemingly random times. She realized that the best way to avoid them was to not think about them, and flying usually cleared her mind. She had been out stretching her wings when she noticed her friends crowding around Twilight, and so she went to investigate. She was surprised to see that there was a newcomer to the group. Twilight had a new pet owl. “This is Owlicious! He came to me last night and helped me in the library while Spike was asleep. I think he’ll be great to have around the library!” The Unicorn explained. Spike rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath as the other ponies admired the feathery newcomer and showered him with praise and compliments. Eventually the dragon huffed and stormed away. “What’s he all saddle sore about?” Applejack asked. “Maybe Spike feels worried that Owlicious will replace him?” Fluttershy suggested. “That’s crazy!” Twilight said in a dismissive tone. “He knows he can’t be replaced!” Rainbow Dash gasped. “Wait...are we seriously comparing Spike’s worth to the bird’s worth?” “What do you mean?” Pinkie Pie asked. Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes. “...since when has Spike been a pet? He’s a sentient creature like ponies and zebras...I mean, he’s Twilight’s assistant, for crying out loud!” Rainbow gritted her teeth as another migraine attacked her. As she massaged her temples, she continued, “And it’s not like he’d be seen or treated as a DOG in another world or anything...why am I saying this, of course he wouldn’t! It wouldn’t make any sense! Because if dragons were dogs in another world, what would that make the Diamond Dogs? Would they be dragons, or…?” She realized she was rambling when the nonplussed gazes of her friends started to get to her. She cleared her throat. “What I’m trying to say is: Spike isn’t a pet, he’s Twilight’s assistant and our friend! And he deserves to be treated like that! And Spike...if he feels like we love this owl more than we love him, then we all need to step back and examine the way we treat each other…” “Rainbow Dash, are you feeling okay?” Twilight Sparkle asked. “You’re acting very...unusual,” Rarity agreed. The Alicorn blushed. They’re right! Something’s changing! I don’t know what it is! “I...I don’t know!” She stammered. “I-I have to go!” She flew away, destination unknown, trying to think about what was happening while ignoring the painful headaches... Meanwhile, in Canterlot… Celestia was devouring a particularly yummy ice cream cake and contemplating the ethical implications of using animals like cows and chickens for their produce without them getting compensation for the work they did… ...but then she froze and narrowed her eyes. “She knows. I can sense it.” She turned to one of her Pegasus guards. “Summon the pink one. We must overreact immediately!”