Applejack was defeated. Her element stolen by the mighty Tirek, whose grasp on Equestria was growing ever-tighter. The land everypony called home now had just one chance:
Rainbow. Freaking. Dash.
With the speed of a bullet, the pegasus mare shot up towards Tirek, jutting her face into his. “So, you think you’re a real tough guy, huh? Some kinda big shot?”
“Heh, is this supposed to be some form of intimidation?” Tirek chuckled heartily. “If so, your bravado could use some work.”
“What’s a ‘bravado’? Is that some sorta snake or something, ‘cause I don’t like snakes.”
“... What.”
“Whatever,” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, causing Tirek to let out a sigh. “Put up your dukes and let’s settle this like real ponies.”
Tirek returned her eye roll, raising up his hand and flicking away Rainbow in an effortless display. Not to be denied, the proud Wonderbolt kicked her hooves out as she hit the ground, rebounding in his direction, ready to inflict a hit of her own. Still, Tirek simply grinned as he caught her outstretched hoof and quickly slung her into the ground.
The rainbow-maned pegasus crashed to the ground with a thud. Slowly, she raised her head and shook it, regaining focus. “That’s it, let’s finish this!”
“Whoa, whoa. I thought we were done with the epic fight scenes?” Twilight recalled. Come to think of it, this story was starting to stray further away from the topic with every new word.
“Pshh, people don’t read stories for the ‘mystery’ and ‘introoge’—”
“Intrigue,” Twilight corrected her.
“Whatever,” Rainbow Dash swiftly continued. “Point is, nopony is going to read a story just for the suspense. What ponies really want is action.”
“And as long as that action only revolves around you, that’s alright?” Twilight prodded.
“Uh, obviously. After all, there’s nopony better suited for action than Rainbow Dash.”
Twilight facehoofed. “Alright, Great and Powerful Rainbow Dash, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here. We still have a story to write, and we’ve completely lost direction in favor of fight scenes, explosions, and ill-advised side-plots involving love stories that don’t even make sense in a fictional setting.”
“You know what? You’re right, Twilight.”
Well that was a surprising admittance, though it didn’t stop Twilight from grinning. “I’m glad you see it that way, Rainbow Dash, now we—”
“Now we should add a scene where it turns out Tirek is Celestia and Luna’s long-lost adoptive brother!”
It wasn’t possible. Nopony could be this thick-headed. “No!”
“Come on, everypony loves a good twist!”
“Not if it’s M. Night Shyamallama tier!” Twilight shouted back, her reference to the famed foreign maker of The Seventh Element going unnoticed by the enthusiastic pegasus.
“Twilight, do you want this story to be a success?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Then you’re gonna have to drop that mystery nonsense, because it’s boring with a capital ‘B’.”
Twilight fumed, and for the first time in years, became engulfed in the flames of rage. With a few deep breaths, she managed to compose herself. “You know what? I think it’s time to drop Rainbow Dash, because she is being bone-headed with a capital ‘B’.”
“But I—”
“You’re fired.”
Rainbow Dash grumbled angrily, but elected to simply walk to the other side of the room and fume to their friends. Meanwhile, Twilight went right back to work.
“Now, where do I even begin to fix this utter mockery of literature?”