“Okay, I’m going to stop you right here,” Twilight said to Rainbow Dash.
The blue pegasus looked up at her friend incredulously. They were on a dead-tight schedule. The kidnappers said that they would need the best possible script for a stage-play in 24 hours or else the Cutie Mark Crusaders would breathe their last.
“Twilight, we don’t have time for this!?” Rainbow shouted at her friend. “You know what the stakes are.”
“Yes, I know. However, we aren’t going to be able to accomplish ANYTHING unless we do it right. These are real lives on the line. We can’t just skip editing and slap something together. This is the first case I can think of where a punctuation mistake or tense change could ACTUALLY kill somepony!”
Rainbow slouched over the table and pressed her hooves to her temples.
“We have five hours left, and we’re only on chapter eight, Twilight. We don’t have time for this.”
“You make time for editing, Dash. Even if it’s not fun. It’s what makes sure your end product feels like it was written by one author and not fourteen.”
An uncomfortable silence filled the room as Twilight sighed and looked down at the book in front of her.
“Okay. Ponyball Z fighting sequences aside. Let’s just review our main characters. Who is in the ‘main party’.”
“That’s easy,” Rainbow Dash chimed in, her hoof tapping the air as if it were a sing-a-long marker. “We have Twilight, Tirek, Me, Trixie, Starlight, Scootaloo, Fluttershy. Oh, Wait. Fluttershy was killed by Tirek. So not her.”
“Okay, that’s sort of a team overload there, but I think we can make it work. Especially if Tirek needs to absorb all of the elements. Okay, we have the ‘Who’ then. Next we have to deal with ‘What’. What’s their goal?”
“Twilight. Did you even read the earlier chapters?! It’s obvious. Caballeron is trying to take over the world using the Alicorn Amulet and has brainwashed ponies who are following his bidding. There’s also an evil giraffe cult that raised their god, Brian Goldner from the-”
“Okay, stop.”
“What?” Rainbow asked.
“Did you come up with this story while using sock puppets? This feels like a sock puppet show.”
“Don’t you judge my creative writing process…”
“This is why I offered to help you!?” Twilight growls. “This is just spinning out of control into some tangled mess! Okay. Also, who in the actual Tartarus is Brian Goldner?”
“It seemed like a cool name, so sue me. At least it’s not fanfiction.”
“You leave my Daring Do Fanfiction out of this, Rainbow Dash. I do it because it makes me happy.”
“Then why did you open a pontreon?”
“We’re WAY OFF TOPIC!” Twilight shouts. “Lives are at stake. Let’s stay serious. We’ve covered who and what. So a quest is set. So where are the characters and where are the Princesses in all of this?”
“Oh! They’re in the Everfree Forest, because reasons.”
“You can’t just say because reasons.”
“They needed to get to the Tree of Harmony, Twilight. Plus, everything cool in stories happens in a dark forest or on a dark, stormy night. It’s writing 101!”
Twilight’s left eyebrow twitched and she could feel her entire body tense with restraint to slap a mare silly. But, this was for the fillies.
“And the Princesses?” Twilgiht asked.
“Oh! They’re basically drunk in Canterlot Castle.”
“Wait, what?! You said they had tea.”
“Well, I mean. Isn’t high tea basically a kind way of saying that you’re getting day drunk? That’s usually what Rarity and I do when we have tea. She has this warm, bitter stuff in a cup and I just drink. It’s pretty great.”
“So the Princesses are just doing nothing during all of this.”
“Drinking is something.”
Twilight groaned and slammed her head into Rainbow’s crudely written book.
“For. The. Fillies.”
“What?” Rainbow asked.
“Nothing. Okay. So that’s Where. I guess. So, why?”
“Oh. So, that’s where it gets cool. So, obviously Caballeron is a problem. And we’ll deal with that later. Cause, there’s like, three huge evils in the world. And now we gotta deal with Brian. And we can’t use the Tree of Harmony, because Tirek just uprooted it and beat up Creamcicle the giraffe with it.”
“So, that brings up another thing I wanted to talk about. You kept mentioning about real and fake ponies?”
“Oh, yeah! See, metaphysical stuff is really cool. I wanted to do that ‘Is it all a dreeeaammm.’ stuff.”
“No, we’re cutting that.”
“WHAT?! You can’t…. Do that. Can you do that? I don’t think you can do that.”
“Well, it’s done,” Twilight says, going back in the book and crossing out a bunch of lines.
“But doesn’t this break the whole flow of the story?” Twilight looked up and glared at Rainbow Dash.
“Have you even read this hot mess of a book you’ve written?”
“Well, I wrote it, so duh.”
“Then where does it begin?” Twilight asked.
“Well, isn’t it obvious?” Rainbow said confidently, then paused for a moment to think. “At the beginning.”
Twilight groaned and looked down to the book. It was clear this was going nowhere. And that those fillies were probably going to die. But, she had a single task. Make this book work.
“So, then. Who, What, Where. Now why? Why is all of this happening?”
“Because, evil is bad,” Rainbow Dash said with pride, clearly content with her answer.
“No, like, what’s the motive for the bad guys?”
“Well Caballeron wants to control the world.”
“Okay, but why did Creamcicle want to raise Brian Goldner?”
“Because her cult said so.”
“And why was she in her cult?”
“I don’t know Twilight, does every single character need a deeply fleshed out back story in order to be a menacing, meaningful character?”
“Yes.”
“Oh… wait, really?” Rainbow asked, shocked.
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Then we have a problem.”
“Why?”
“I guess you’ll see as you read on.”
“Fair enough,” Twilight said, flipping through pages while Rainbow wasn’t looking to get to chapter nine.
“So, in chapter eight Tirek gets the elements of Generosity and Honesty by killing Applejack and Rarity.”
“But why?” Twilight asked. “He clearly took my element of Magic without harming me. Then he just randomly kills Fluttershy.”
“Right? Isn’t that ironic?”
“I don’t think you know what that word really means,” Twilight groans. “But fine. So you kill Applejack and Rarity. Now all of us except you, me and Pinkie are dead.”
“Yeah, Pinkie and I don’t die until chapter nine.”
“You’re missing the point, Rainbow. There has to be some way of transferring the elements into Tirek without killing everypony.”
“Well, he was going to turn good, after being filled with the elements, and then bring us back to life.”
“Okay, one? Spoilers. Rude. Two? Now you’re going to have to bring characters back to life in an already overcomplicated plot. And there’s still one hanging question on my mind.”
“What?”
“Where is Cadance?”
“Oh my gosh, Twilight. Are you seriously considering adding more characters?”
“She’s a Princess, Rainbow. She can do a LOT to help this situation.”
“I honestly don’t remember if I did something with her or not.”
“And I can’t either. And that’s the point. At this point, I’m worried that things will happen just for the sake of happening.”
It’s at that moment that Pinkie burst through the door wearing a purple jumpsuit that had cupcakes glued onto it.
“Yeeeheeee!” Pinkie squealed as she burst into Twilight’s study. “I brought some sugar for the hardworking editors who are doing such a wonderful job that three of our closest friends won’t be brutally murdered! How’s the editing coming?”
Rainbow and Twilight exchanged glances.
“Okay, maybe our lives are a little random,” Twilight added.
“Then should we include Cadance?”
“At this point? We could add King Sombra and I don’t think anypony could care.”
“No, that’s the shipping chapter that’s later on.”
“Please don’t,” Twilight groaned.
“I’m joking! I’m joking!!!”
“Do you two want cupcakes or not?” Pinkie asked.
The two girls collectively mumbled their ‘No Thank You’ and Pinkie stumbled out the door like the comedic plot device she is.
“Okay, so now, let’s talk about Discord.”
“What? Are you going to say including him is bad too?”
“No, actually, I think it’s kind of smart. Discord is being Tirek’s devil on his shoulder, here. Even if Discord is reformed, this seems like something he’d do for fun. So, we see Tirek’s resistance to him strengthen as he absorbs more elements.”
“Yeah, so there’s evil number three. Reformed Discord.”
“Wait, how is reformed discord a bad guy?”
“Are you really going to ask these sort of questions every time something doesn’t make sense?”
“Yes, that’s what an editor does.”
“Pinkie.”
“Yeah?” Pinkie Pie says, suddenly next to Rainbow Dash.
“I rest my case.”
“Cases don’t need sleep, silly,” Pinkie says. “They just need fulfillment. Can’t have an empty case.”
“Pinkie, no offence, we need to focus,” Twilight said, a clear migraine beginning to surge through her temples.
“Okie-Dokie-Lokie!” Pinkie says ducking under the table and out of existence.
Once Pinkie was out of the room, she couldn’t help but look at her friend with some sort of disdain. Twilight knew she should have handled all of this by herself, but there’s that whole ‘friendship’ thing that keeps coming up and the lines of what is and isn’t okay gets blurrier every day.
“Do you mind if we kinda just… skim Chapter 8?” Twilight asked.
“Sure, why not. It’s probably fine. It’s a flawless chapter.”
“What happens in it? From the top.”
“Well, I already told you that Tirek kills Rarity and Applejack. So, first thing they do is leave the Everfree Forest to find Rarity, who is in Carousel Boutique. And it’s a really awesome exchange. See, Tirek decides to go inside alone and approach Rarity on his terms.”
“Uhhh,” Twilight mutters. “His terms?”
“Yeah, so, Tirek and Rarity had this big romance.”
“No they didn’t.”
“In the story they did.”
“Yeah,” Twilight added. “But this is based on real life ponies. So, you can’t just shoe in a romance between two ponies we know.”
Rainbow’s wings flared out as she looks to the floor.
“Uh. You don’t want to read chapter 12 then.”
Twilight flipped through the pages and begins to scan a few pages.
“Starswirl, forgive me for what I must do,” she muttered. Then, she tore the whole chapter from the book, tossed it into the air, and with a flash of her horn, the pages singed into ash.
“No. Bad Rainbow,” Twilight scolded. “No random threeways. This is unacceptable.”
“There was a lot of unresolved tension!”
“No. Bad.”
“Fiiine,” Rainbow groaned. “I feel like you’re tearing apart my child.”
“Your stories aren’t your children, deal with it,” Twilight retorted. “What happens next?”
“Tirek and Rarity have a romantic moment, then he makes it quick and painless for Rarity. He comes out with a tear in his eye. Then they go to Sweet Apple Acres, and it gets REALLY cool!”
Twilight simply sighed. Rainbow paused, tilting her head. The alicorn waved her hoof for her friend to continue.
“So, then the whole crew begins to go to AJ’s farm. But then there’s a ZOMBIE PONY ARMY! Caballeron is furthering his plan faster than the crew expected. They fight the ponies as much as they can, but they get herded back to the barn and trapped. But then! Applejack comes out with her super sniper rifle!”
“What’s a sniper rifle?” Twilight asked.
“I dunno. I made it up. Think of it as a super strong, long distance slingshot.”
“So, you made your own weapons?”
“Yeah!” Rainbow said. “It was really cool.”
“Huh,” Twilight said happily. “Maybe I haven’t been giving you enough credit. It takes a lot of creativity to come up with a realistic weapon.”
“And it’s also part SWORD!”
Twilight rested her head on the table and massaged her temples.
“So AJ comes out,” Rainbow continued, “And kills all the zombie ponies. And then agrees to fight Tirek for her element. And they get in this super cool battle with flying and magic and lasers!”
“Wait, Applejack can fly and has lasers now?” Twilight asked.
“Well, yeah. I had to make her stronger or Tirek would just destroy her. Oh! And Celestia and Luna are drunk and watching. They think it’s TV.”
“Why?” Twilight asked, the light in her soul slowly dying.
“Cause it’s funny.”
“Okay, so then Triek beats AJ. Takes her element. Then that just leaves yours. Is there anything else in that chapter?”
“Nope!” Rainbow said happily.
“Okay, what do we need to do to eliminate the romance subplot from the rest of the book? Because it’s really out of place and is probably the best place to start working on this.”
Rainbow took the book, reviewed it carefully, then tore the book down middle from the spine.
“I realized I actually never address any of the world ending stuff again, and the rest of the book was just… uh. Intimacy. So we might as well begin to write the second half.”
“We have to write half of a novel in FOUR HOURS?!” Twilight growled.
“Hey,” Rainbow barked, folding her hooves. “I did my best. Now clean up my mess.”
Twilight sighed and levitated a quill to her table.
“Okay, we can fix this. We’ll just start from here. I’m a faster writer, so just tell me what you think happens next in the story and I’ll write it down from there. I’ll probably interject some ideas, but it’ll still be your creation. Hopefully at the final chapter, some outside force can tell us whether this book was good enough to let the fillies live.”
“What are you talking about?” Rainbow asked.
“That’s not important,” Twilight said. “What happens next?”