My Little Warhammer: Friendship is Heresy

by evilsoup


Prologue

Inquisitor Grimmus Darkium stalked the corridors of the Imperial Battlebarge Divine Right of Might, moving towards the bridge with an air of death about him. The crew who he passed averted their gaze, looking at the floor; best to avoid the attention of the Inquisition, no matter how brief. Grimmus felt a little twisted pride at the fear he evoked, but pushed it aside: there is no place for pride in the Emperor's service, he thought.

The wall fixtures were becoming increasingly ornate in this part of the ship. Great eagles screamed enskulled cherubim onto a field of grotesque, brutish people; Grimmus recognised them as Orks, or an artist's interpretation of Orks. As he walked he could see the alien vermin burnt by fire breathed from the Cherubim, speared by the weapons they carried. All were running in terror but for a lone, giant figure, screaming into the heavens. The final portion of the engraving showed one of the great eagles swooping down and attacking the Ork with it's talons.

The symbolism was not lost on Grimmus. The Divine Might of Right was built for the Third Armageddon war. It served as a battleship and troop transport; during the campaign on Gaudius V Imperial ground assets had been unable to break into the Orkish fortifications around Gargantua hive; the Divine Might of Right had entered the planet's atmosphere to unleash a full broadside against the city at the same time as the final push. A risky but decisive gambit.

There were two guards by the door, in full Naval dress uniform. They bowed to Grimmus, then pushed open the great double door. Grimmus walked onto the command chamber: a wide-open area, dominated by the grand podium upon which stood admiral Ray Kil-ban-Ocean, along with his personal bodyguard, a scribe and a pair of tech-priests. The guard standing on the inside of the doors shouted:
"Lord Darkium on the Bridge!"

None of the command crew reacted, save for the admiral himself. He turned and looked down.

"Lord Inquisitor! Please, join me up here! I am sending the lift down."

The admiral gestured to one of the tech-priests; moments later the lift on the side of the great podium began its slow crawl to the ground. On the way up Grimmus glanced up to the golden box containing the Navigator's room, directly above them; then around at the command chamber again. Every man was at his position. The techpriests and servitors were engrossed in their work and so payed him no attention, but the naval personnel had (he fancied) stiffer backs as his gaze passed over them.

Admiral Kil-ban-Ocean was a fat, flatulent and jolly man; the exact opposite of the stereotypical cold, trim, self-controlled captain. But Grimmus knew not to underestimate him: one does not rise to the rank of admiral through stupidity. Kil-ban-Ocean stood and stretched his back as the lift ground to a halt with a slightly-disturbing screech, then bowed.

"Good day, m'lord Inquisitor."

Grimmus responded with a curt nod and waited as the admiral sat down on his cushioned seat and breathed out heavily.

"So, Lord Darkium, to what do we owe the honour of your presence on my bridge? I do hope everything is to your satisfaction?"

"I am here for a report on our progress. How soon will we arrive at our destination?"

The admiral farted, then coughed a moment later in an attempt to cover it up. The midshipman standing straighter than is generally possible to his side (a boy of maybe fourteen) waved the thurible he was holding, distributing an over-strong whiff of perfume over the area and covering the stench.

"As I am sure you know, the currents of the warp are unpredictable at the best of times. We have been making reasonable progress and, assuming that we continue at this rate, should reach our destination in ... oh ... eleven days."

"And what of the other ships?"

The admiral shrugged in a nearly casual way. Grimmus fixed his steeliest contemptuous gaze on the man, the one that made most men break down before flaying knife ever met flesh. Kil-ban-Ocean met the look with no sign of discomfort, even smiling slightly. The sounds of clicking from consoles around the room lowered, and Grimmus was aware of eyes looking at him. He felt a fury beginning to boil within him for this slight.

"With luck, they should reach the co-ordinates two or three days after us. In all likelihood, I should think they will arrive a full five days after we do."

"Hm."

There was silence for a moment, then:

"If I may be so bold, my lord Inquisitor? If you know this world to be such a threat as to require the attention of five whole regiments of the Imperial Guard, might it not be prudent to rendezvous with the other ships before proceeding to orbit."

Grimmus showed a slight snear, communicating only a portion of his contempt for the admiral. Still holding his gaze, frustrated by the continued lack of effect, he said (more gruffly than usual):

"It would not be at all prudent to do so, admiral. These alien vermin were able to subvert the crew of the Loyal Speculator from the lowliest galley-slave to the captain. Even the Navigator was corrupted by the xeno heresy. They had time to send a warning. My interrogation of the captain implied as much, but he died of a slow-acting poison before I could gain confirmation. I will not allow any cowardice on your part to jeopardise the element of surprise."

Grimmus had expected the word 'cowardice' to shake the admiral, but the only reaction was a small increase in the fat man's smile. The entire chamber was silent, save for the quiet shuffling of the servitors and hydrolic toil of the tech-priests. A faint, high-pitched squeal of a fart emanated from his bowels; but this time his thurifer stayed deathly still, legs trembling.

"It was not cowardice that spoke, Lord Inquisitor, but concern for my crew and this crusade. It is, of course, your decision; but I do not think it wise to attack piecemeal."

"Fine words, Ray Kil-ban-Ocean. Captain Raleigh was a loyal servant of the Imperium for over a century before he gained his Marque. He had done great things. They subverted even him! These creatures are insidious, dangerous things, and I will not tolerate their existence for one moment longer than I must. Your recommendation - and your insolence - have both been noted. My orders remain. We will wipe these ... Equestrians from the face of the universe."