Star Wars: Rogue Pun

by Barrobroadcaster


Chapter 1: Supply Run

Morvassa System, Western Reaches
Space station Amity's Leap, Equestrian Deep Space colony and Outreach center

Being in between an asteroid belt and Morvass Prime, the space station Amity's Leap found the space around it a little crowded. It was even more crowded now with a group of Rebel ships and an Imperial task force fighting directly in front of it.

Five Imperial Arquitens-class light cruisers were blocking the escape of a trio of Rebel GR-75 transports, two U-Wing dropships and their escort, Aurora, a single modified Rebel cruiser. The Rebel cruiser was larger than the Imperial ships but couldn't hope to match the five Imperial vessels. Instead, they relied on their single fighter squadron for help. But Rebel fighter squadrons were legendary; the courage and skill of their pilots and the amazing capabilities of their ships was renowned everywhere. The Rebel Alliance had some of the best starfighter pilots in the entire galaxy.

They also had Dice Squadron.

"AAAAHHHHH! AHAAAHHHHHAA!!!"

"PLEASE! If you're gonna scream, can you NOT do it into your headset?!"

"I've got three on me!! They're right behind me- I've lost thruster control on my number-two engine!! HELP!!"

"Hang on, Janna, I got it," Brett said. He pulled his Y-Wing around so he was in position behind the trio of TIE Strikers chasing his wingmate. He narrowed his eyes, focusing on the three craft. "Hey Jan? Can you roll to your right, please?"

"What?! AAHH!" Green laser blasts shot past her, almost grazing her Y-Wing.

"Just roll to your right a little bit, I'm trying to line up a shot."

"I can't turn right, Brett! My thruster control on my right engine is gone, remember?!"

"Calm down, I said ROLL to the right. You can still turn left and control your pitch, right?"

"Right what?!"

Brett sighed. "Turn left, dive with the right engine and climb with the left engine so it rolls you to the right. And hurry, will ya? Can't expect me to hold this ion charge forever."

"AAHHH!" Streaks of green filled the space her craft had occupied just as she performed the roll.

Brett grinned. He released the trigger on his ion cannons. A blue bolt shot from the guns on his canopy and struck the starboard-side TIE Striker on its port-side wing. The arrow-shaped TIE craft then performed a roll of its own to port, directly into its wingmate in the center. The middle TIE smashed into the port-side TIE and the three ships exploded in single blast.

"Ahh, there we go. See? Was that so hard?"

"YES!"

"Dice Leader, our escape vector is still blocked. We're running out of time, Brett," the voice of the Aurora's captain, Kayla Tresso, was more critically chastising of Brett than an actual analysis of the situation. It was expected.

Brett pulled his Y-Wing in a sharp bank. He eyed the space station. "Just a little more time, Aurora. She hasn't let us down yet."

Deep inside Amity's Leap, Stormtroopers were begin their "routine inspection," a supposedly standard procedure to check for contraband, hazardous materials and criminal/Rebel activity. The ritual, which had been repeated regularly on planets and space stations across the galaxy, involved a cheerful gray-clad Imperial officer politely informing the occupants of the inspection proceeded by a battalion of Stormtroopers ruthlessly ransacking the station compartment by compartment.

"Move. Move! Get out."
"Need a scanning crew here!"
"Scanning crew to Deck-six, Module-B, compartment forty-two."

"Sweetie, come. Let's go now."
"I don't understand this. We've complied with all Imperial regulations."
"This cannot be legal! You can't just barge in here, whenever you please and-"

All throughout the station, the sounds of the upheaval carried. Some ponies objected, a few were lightly disciplined by security but the Stormtroopers continued their fruitless search regardless. Unbeknownst to them, and most on the station, what they were looking for was right above them.

Derpy Hooves wasn't part of the Rebel Alliance officially, but this was her mission. Stealthily, she sneaked on the high ceilings of the Residential Deck's corridors. Some ponies noticed her, even recognized her but the Stormtroopers didn't; they were too busy searching through belongings. Always looking down on those beneath them, they had little reason to look up.

She checked her mailbag for the package, feeling its unique weight to tell her she hadn't dropped it. The scuffles below were a hazard she did not want to get wrapped up in. Nothing could interfere with her mission; thankfully, her target wasn't in the mess below. Derpy's goal was on the opposite side of the deck near the control center for the station's ADS(Asteroid Defense System) cannons.

No one noticed her as she crept along the ceiling in her stealth suit, mail bag pressed on her back so it wouldn't dangle. Like a ninja, she leaped between the lights and ducts overhead, only sparing the occasional glance down to make sure she wasn't spotted. Finally, when she was close to her destination, she dropped down to the deck and entered the door to the ADS center.

"Hi Mr. Perrymint!"

The older pony rotated in his chair. "Oh, hi there... err, Derpy," he said, adjusting his glasses. "Good to see you, how have you been?"

"I'm fine, thanks! Just another day in the postal service!"

"Well, how nice." Mr. Perrymint said. "Hope those ehh, stormer troopers haven't given you much trouble."

"Oh no, nope, not at all," Derpy said, batting the notion away. "How about you? How's it been managing this huge space colony?"

"Oh, can't complain, hehe," the elder pony said. Outside the viewport of the small room, the Rebel and Imperial starfighters exchanged fire. A pair of Y-Wings blazed by with a group of TIE Strikers behind them, engines screeching silently in space. The space station rocked as a laser blast exploded nearby.

"Things sure have gotten busy lately though, I must say." The brightly-colored beams and bursts lit up his lenses. Even Derpy could see the battle was nothing more than a sequence of blurs on his glasses.

"They sure have."

The old pony tapped his chin. "Why, it was just the other day that I..." He trailed off, beginning a series of three separate tales which weren't really relevant to anything going on or each other.

Back in space, the battle raged. It was largely a stalemate; the Rebel fighters were able to hold off the TIEs but there were lots of them. The Aurora and the transports tried to maneuver towards gaps in between the Imperial cruisers, but each time they went after small space to squeeze by, the ships closed it up. With the asteroids around them and the space station to their starboard, there was no where else they could go.

"Here's four more, Gary, you want to ion or just blast 'em?"

"What? What do you mean? Just shoot them!"

"Ehh," Brett shrugged, knowing his wingman couldn't see him. "I'm trying to mix things up a bit."

"Now's not the time to experiment, Brett!"

"Okay, fine, blast them and then tell me one good time when it is!" Red lances shot from their cannons and tore into the wings of two of the TIE Fighters in front of them. The two on the outside banked hard in opposite directions to avoid the second laser volley from the Y-Wings. "See? They broke off. If we'd used a single ion shot each, then-"

"Brett, our escape vector is still blocked! Where's this miracle you promised?!"

"It's coming, captain. I'm sure she's just finishing up!"

Back in the space station...

"And that was the forty-second time we saw the Loch Ness Monster, and that time he was disguised as Danny DeVito and he brought his wife along with him."

"Did you give him tree fiddy again?"

"Now, I was just gettin' to that. You see-"

"Dice Leader! Where in the hell is our exit vector?! We're getting overwhelmed, here!" The U-Wing pilot's voice was more pissed than panicked, usually a good sign. It meant they had at least a few seconds before rage at him turned to abject fear of their chances.

The Imperial cruisers were beginning to close on them. It was bold of the Imps to approach; they were clearly hungry for the kill to press the attack. The ships held their formation to prevent gaps in their defense while approaching at a steady speed. With the Rebels' backs to the rocky wall

Unfortunately, Brett was starting to get concerned. His eyes looked at the space station. "I'm sure she'll be done any second now!"

"-then there was the hundred and seventeenth time we saw the Loch Ness Monster-"

And now that concern was turning into icy gut-wrenching fear. Brett couldn't see into the space station and had no way of knowing that Derpy was just standing around listening to a rambling old man retell his life story, but somehow, he had a feeling Derpy was just standing around listening to a rambling old man retell his life story.

"You know what, maybe I oughta call her."

"YOU THINK?!"

Brett keyed his commlink. "Derpy! It's Brett! How close are you?" She didn't respond. "Derpy? Derpy?!"

"-and that time, he almost got away with our tree fiddy but."

Brett swallowed hard. "Okay, there might be a problem on her end. Dice Squadron, form up on me."

"I still can't turn left!"

"Really? We just talked about this; turn right to go left!"

"AAAYeeeeeGAAA!" The twelve Y-Wings of Dice Squadron formed up in a single V-shape, banking around the Aurora and the U-Wings back towards the cruisers. All five Imperial ships were still making their way towards them, now covering half the station's length.

Brett hit the toggle for the ion cannons again and squeezed the fire trigger. "Alright, we're gonna have to go to plan b. Dice-two-through-six, charge ion cannons and link to my target. Seven-through-twelve, arm proton torpedoes and do the same."

"Copy, Leader."

"I copy, Leader."

"Gonna have to do this the old fashioned way. Dice Leader to Aurora, you're about to get your exit."

"About time!"

He rolled his eyes. Focus- there was only one shot at this. With all twelve Y-Wings together, they could take out one of the cruisers and hammer one or two of the others. This would give the U-Wings an opening to fly out and then the Rebel cruiser could push its way on through. It was risky, but they could afford to attempt this strategy now that most of the TIEs had been destroyed. If they hadn't, the transports would've been vulnerable and Dice Squadron's Y-Wings were their only escort.

It wasn't their first plan, but it was workable. Brett knew they could pull it off, even with Dice Five- Janna's thruster problem. With his squad on his wing, Brett lined up one of the Imperial ships' bridges in his crosshairs.

And then three more Imperial ships jumped in.

"Aw sithshit."

"Imperial escort carriers! They're targeting our-" The captain's voice was cut off abruptly. The narrow harpoon-shaped Imperial escort carriers fired almost the same moment as they'd exited hyperspace. The shots from their cannons were about as powerful as the ones on the cruisers but had almost twice the range. Even from behind the three cruisers, they were able to hit the Aurora with precision.

Not only that, the escort carriers had deployed friends the moment they dropped in: TIE Hunters.

"Fire! Fire! Fire!" Blue bolts erupted from the Y-Wings followed by the scorching streaks of proton torpedoes. Dice Squadron unloaded everything, not at the cruiser but at the three full squadrons of TIE Hunters being deployed. A few unlucky TIEs were surprised by the volley and weren't able to dodge. They were struck by the ion cannons and spun helplessly, drained of power. The proton torpedoes were slower but at least threw the TIEs off balance for a moment.

Dice Squadron broke formation and their attack at the same time, pulling a complete U-turn back towards the other Rebel ships.

"What the hell happened to your plan, Brett?!"

"What the hell do we do now?!?!"

Brett fumbled with his commlink, finally getting it up to his mouth. "Hello? Hello?! Anybody hear me?!"

"You're not calling Derpy again are you?!"

"I'm calling everybody! HELP! HEEELLLP!"