I was in ecstasy. After years of not finding any, I had finally found my favorite fruit. Perfectly ripe, sweetly fragrant, bananas. The vendor, located in a kind of back alley, had two hands, perfectly yellow with just a hint of green. She asked me if I really wanted that many. Oh yes, I did. She charged an arm and a leg for them, but I didn’t care. She gave them to me in a double wrapped plain brown paper bag. Her parting comment of how lucky my special somepony would be didn’t mean anything to me at the time.
I hurried home as quickly as I could. Dash and Scoots were still out, so I indulged myself. I sat at the kitchen table, opened the double bagged fruit, pulled off one finger from the hand, peeled it, and, after over thirty years of waiting, bit into a banana. It was wonderfully sweet. Just perfect. It had been many, many years since I had had one. I bolted the first two, but slowly savored the third one.
I heard the front door opening and Dash’s voice became clear, “... see Scoots?”
Scootaloo’s excited voice answered, “Yeah, so I need to keep my wings at this angle, right mom?”
Dash’s voice was so proud. “You got it, squirt. Now you’ll get more lift” There was a bit of a stumble, “Hey, looks like your dad’s home, he left his shoes at the front door again.”
“Hey, Dash. I’ve got a surprize for you in the kitchen.”
Scootaloo, in her usual exuberance, charged ahead of her mom. Dash was right behind her, “What is- What the hey! Scoots, get back, go to the living room now.”
Scootaloo was craning her neck to see what was on the table. “But why? What are those yellow things?”
“Never mind, just, go.” Dash was pretty much shoving Scootaloo back through the door.
Once Scootaloo was out of the kitchen, she whisper yelled at me, “Are you nuts? What are you doing with all that ‘nature’s heat’? She could have seen it! And… sweet Celestia… th-th-three? bananas? Alex, I don’t know if I can take that much… you know… special snuggle time.”
I took another bite and swallowed, “What are you talking about? They’re just bananas.”
~~~<>~~~<>~~~<>~~~
Twilight placed a hoof on my arm, her eyes full of concern. "Alex, Dash said you might have a problem."
I grunted, "Well, I am currently holding up a beam keeping town hall from falling over. Yes, you could say that."
She tapped my shoulder, making me lose my grip for a moment. Luckily, I was able to recover it. "Alex, stop trying to dodge the issue. This is serious."
I grunted again, desperation in my voice, "For the love of your sun horse please help me out here! It's getting really heavy!"
Twilight rolled her eyes, completely ignoring the beam that was slipping out of my grasp. "I'm trying to help you, but you are acting like nothing is wrong."
~~~<>~~~<>~~~<>~~~
I had a plan and I needed to share it. It was the best plan I had ever had. It was good, no, it was righteous. "I’m going to build a greenhouse. I can grow all the freaking bananas I want!"
Dash gasped in horror, "You can't do that, it's against the law!"
I had an answer to that. It was a good answer, a great answer, and it made total sense! "Actually, because pony laws are all about ponies, and because I am not a pony, that stupid law doesn't apply to me."
Dash put her hoof to her forehead and wailed, "No, I can't lose you like this. Not to bananas."
~~~<>~~~<>~~~<>~~~
I was proud of myself. I was staying calm.
"Pinkie..." I pleaded.
Pinkie looked up at me, bottom lip quivering, her eyes moist with tears. "No, I can't do it."
I tried being logical, "If you just let me borrow the stuff then you don’t need to do anything."
She reared up on her hind legs and put her forehooves on my shoulders. Those lovely blue eyes locked with mine, "Alex, this is a dark path you walk down. Please think of your friends! Think of me as I stain your nice pants you just got from Elusive with my tears!"
I sighed, exasperated, "It's just a banana split."
~~~<>~~~<>~~~<>~~~
The light breeze made me swing slightly as I tried my best not to yell at AJ. The flames licked at my fingers as I desperately clung on.
AJ started lecturing me, "Now Alex, the best way to kick an addiction is going cold apple. That's why I brought you this whole barrel of apples to eat."
I was getting desperate, "Applejack, the rope is starting to burn. Can you, I don’t know, lend me a hoof?"
She tilted her hat back, looking up at me, “Consarnit! I am! I’m trying to get that yeller monkey off your back!”
~~~<>~~~<>~~~<>~~~
I was stepping out of The Cube with coffee in hand when suddenly, "Oh, shit! The Sugarcube Corner sign is about to fall! It’s gonna... gonna... um.... Sapphire?"
The little filly spoke to me in that strange way of hers, ‘Hello Scootaloo's Parental unit! I saw this large object was dropping on you, so I am holding it... is that acceptable?’
Relieved, I let out my breath. "Yes Saph... you’re doing just fine."
She looked up at me, tilted her head to the side. ‘I was told by my parent you might be having an addiction problem with musa acuminata. Is this accurate?’
Confused, I had to ask, “Musa what-now?”
The little changeling princess rolled her eyes, ‘The common banana.’
Exasperated, I threw my arms in the air, “Not you too! Look, I don’t have a problem, I know they affect ponies like Red Bull and Viagra, but not me. I just like the taste. Now, leave me alone!”
She shrugged, ‘As you wish.’
The glow around the heavy wooden sign disappeared. Realization set in, “Wait, no!” There was a mighty crash as the sign fell on me.
~~~<>~~~<>~~~<>~~~
The room was dark and quiet except for the beeping of the machines. As I slowly regained consciousness I realized I couldn't move. I was in a body cast. Nurse Red Heart, Gary’s marefriend, was by my bedside.
The devoted caregiver checked the machines and my charts. “Oh good, you’re awake. I’ll get doctor Emerald.”
Weakly, I asked the nurse, “Wait, before you go, can you get me something?”
Her kind smile shone down on me, “Of course, dear.”
My voice grew stronger, “Can I have a banana?”