//------------------------------// // 4) Friends // Story: Just a Thought // by Chinchillax //------------------------------// Spike's anxiety was running at full blast as they neared Twilight's Castle. How many ponies would be there? How many ponies had been looking for him? Was there a spell or a potion he could use to erase some of the memories of all the time they spent? His flame breath could magically teleport letters, but they couldn't teleport him away from the shame of still being alive. His insides churned into knots upon knots of pure shame. At least they don't know I tried to kill myself. As Twilight landed in front of the castle, Spike took a deep calming breath. He could get through this. He was a good actor. He thought back to the time he had narrated that Hearth's Warming Eve pageant in Canterlot in front of thousands of ponies. He had been so nervous, but he had just told himself: pretend that you're good at this. And it had all worked out okay. Pretend that you're good at this. Spike smiled as he landed. He actually smiled. He was doing this! Rainbow, Fluttershy and Rarity were near the entrance to the castle. Pretend that you're good at this. Pretend that you're not going to kill yourself. Just pretend for your friends. "Darling! Are you all right?" said Rarity, getting closer to him. "You look dreadful!" "You scared us, little buddy!" said Rainbow, rubbing a hoof on Spike's spikes. "What happened anyway?" "Just a cockatrice," said Spike, rubbing the back of his head with a claw. "A cockatrice!?" Fluttershy gasped. "How—how did you escape?" At that moment, Key took the opportunity to land on Spike's shoulder. Two thoughts simultaneously entered Spike's mind: An appreciation for Key, as he seemed to almost shield him from these friends of friends. And the horrifying realization that Fluttershy could understand Key, probably exponentially better than he could. "We can thank Key for that," said Twilight. "Phoenix tears cure cockatrice petrification. I'll have to write a report on this for the Princess." "Key?" said Fluttershy, her head tilting slightly. "Oh, Peewee!" "Peewee?" repeated Rarity. "Your pet Phoenix came back, darling?" Key gave a soft squawk of gratitude. What had he said? Did Fluttershy know more about what he said than Spike did? That bird could just squawk out Spike's secret to Fluttershy and everything would go horribly wrong. "Spike, are you feeling alright?" asked Rarity. His facade was crumbling. Make an exit. Make any exit. "I just... umm... it's been a long day... err week? I uhh... I umm..." Spike stared down at his muddy, scratched up body. He should be better than this. He had to act normal. ACT NORMAL. PRETEND THAT YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS! "You want a bath?" asked Twilight. "YES!" Spike coughed. His mind couldn't even fathom how grateful he was for Twilight's suggestion. "I could really use a long bath." "I'll say," said Rarity. "Go get cleaned up." "I might just fall asleep in there, it's been a while," said Spike. "Another one of your 16 hour bubble baths?" asked Twilight, teasing. "Honestly, it might be that long. I mean—look at me," said Spike, shrugging. Layers of grime and scratches were caked on his scales in strange ways, and several of his spikes poked out at odd angles. "Okay, but before you run up, let me send a letter to Celestia," said Twilight. "I gotta let her know you're safe." "Yep, I gotta go let everypony else know Spike's back," said Rainbow, who proceeded to zoom away at a blinding speed. Spike spent an agonizing few minutes as Twilight wrote out a letter with her horn. Spike guessed she felt bad about making him write it. It would have been the last letter he wrote for her. When was the last letter he had sent out? He supposed this was the last one now until his death. "Skrawwk?" said Key, noticing the dark look on his face. "What did you say, Key?" asked Fluttershy. Spike jolted in full awareness. "He just thinks I ought to get to sleep soon," said Spike. "But I really ought to get cleaned up first. I have the hardest time falling asleep if I'm too dirty." Thankfully, Twilight took that moment to hand the letter to him, and Spike sent it on it's way. With no further need to pretend to be happy around his acquaintances, Spike gave a short farewell and proceeded to head up the steps. Key lingered back with Fluttershy. Spike's walking became stilted. What was he going to say? What was he going to say? They can't discover he wants to die. They can't. That kills ponies. Him being alive kills ponies. Pretend that you're good at this. "Hey, c'mon Key!" Spike said. To his surprise, the phoenix actually followed, landing on his shoulder as Spike opened the doors and strolled inside. The faucet had only been on for a few seconds before Spike crawled into the tub and sat down in the puddle of water. The sound of the faucet gushing water masked the sounds of Spike's own crying. He had failed. He had truly failed. He had not killed himself. Yes—he had safely avoided his acquaintances suspicions. Probably. He could never really tell if he was successful. He just had to live and pretend that his ruse that he wasn't going to kill himself was working. But— but... it wouldn't be so bad... if they didn't care about him so much. Spike rubbed his eyes as the tears dissolved into his scales. Applejack, and Pinkie must have still been out looking for him, that's why they weren't there. And everypony else there. Celestia, everyone. All looking for him. He looked to his right. The crystalline palace shone his reflection back at him. He looked haggard, sleep deprived, and now his eyes were red from crying. The water had risen enough that Spike could dunk his head underneath the water and let the tears dissolve into the water freely. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be having this bath. His corpse should have been decomposing or digesting inside some creature in the Everfree forest right now. Spike could just breathe in. It was water after all. Too much of anything could kill anyone. And he could just... take a bath... and never come out. Sharp talons gripped his spikes, jerking his head above water. Key fluttered, still holding Spike's head above water. "Skraaaaawwwwk!" said Key. "Just let me die, okay!" screeched Spike. He clasped his claws over his mouth. The castle had the bad habit of reverberating noise. But the faucet was still on. He had to be safe. He had to. "Skreee!" said Key. "NO! Don't tell Fluttershy!" Spike said, tears continuing to fall. "Please, please don't." "Keer." "I stop with the suicide attempts, you don't tell Fluttershy?" asked Spike. Key nodded. Spike couldn't agree to that. He had to die. He just had to. The fate of millions of future ponies depended on his death. He couldn't let them down by continuing to be alive. But... he couldn't keep doing these cheap methods of suicide. That could just get him caught. He needed to make sure that the next time that he tried anything. That it would actually be effective. "Okay, I'll stop," Spike lied. He felt bad about lying. But it was alright. Key could go back to his parents. It would all work out alright. Spike turned off the faucet and cleaned off his scales with soap, slowly removing the grime and muck from his body. He felt oddly lighter. He drained the bathtub, rinsing it with the showerhead for a few moments to knock more dirt down the drain. When he was finally completely clean, he turned on the faucet again. Twilight always wondered why he took such long baths. Well, it actually took two baths to truly enjoy it. The second round of water filled the tub and Spike laid in it for a long time. Key floated in the water like a duck, his heat continuing to keep the bathtub warm long after the water should have gone cold. Spike's mind went... somehow blank. As if it had somehow thought all the thoughts it needed to today and it was time to stop thinking. Time to stop hurting. Time to... let the water surround him peacefully.