The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza


My Spidey Sense is Twitching

Advisory: Please switch "Formatting" to "Dark" to ensure that certain bright colored text is legible. Thank you.

Okay, it's time to see which sixth sense has superior sensitivity!
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Marvel Comics, and Stan Lee.
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The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Season the Seventh

~Golden Gate is falling down, falling down, falling down...~

Many times in history, there have been claims and evidence that senses exist beyond the normal five.

And these two have some OP sixth senses!

Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony's Equestria.

... and Spider-Man from Marvel Comics' New York City. He's W and I'm B.

And its our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

///Death Battle\\\

Pinkie Pie
-Species: Earth Pony
-Special talent: Bringing cheer to others, usually by way of parties
-Agility and elasticity only limited by cartoon physics
-Pinkie Sense: Can predict incoming threats via bodily twitches
-Unusual bodily properties: mane can carry and contain multiple objects, can drill through the ground; body can float off the ground when it's funny, jump through the show's screen before it closes, pull back together after falling apart, and can somehow appear anywhere without a feasible explanation beyond "it's Pinkie Pie; don't question it"
-Party Cannon: can set up entire room of party supplies in less than a second, can blast away a foe with enough force to stun, can apparently be stuffed and set up anywhere she wants
-Can't always read a situation; loses focus when emotionally stressed

If you've never heard of Pinkie Pie, where the heck were you for the rest of her appearances?

Born as Pinkamena Diane Pie, Pinkie grew up on a rock farm along with the rest of her family.

That's a really dumb concept aside from potential geodes with actually valuable gems inside.

Apparently most of the Pie family disagrees, because they have traditions revolving around rocks. Moving, sculpting, eating... you name it and there's a rock for it.

But that all changed for Pinkie Pie when she experienced something for the first time: colors.

This explosion of color originated from Rainbow Dash's very first Sonic Rainboom. The sight was so awe-inspiring, that Pinkie felt she just had to share joy with the rest of her family. She spent an entire night preparing a party from... I don't know what... considering none of her supplies consisted of rocks. But it paid off as her parents and sisters all smiled at the sight.

Then she got her magical butt tattoo.

Cutie mark.

Whatever. She moved to Ponyville and got a job at the bakery. From then on, she made it her life mission to make everyone as happy as she possibly could.

She always has random paraphernalia scattered around town, just in case of paraphernalia emergencies. This includes, cakes, confetti cannons, balloons, a baby alligator, and even a welcoming wagon.

~Welcome, welcome, welcome! A fine welcome to you! Welcome, welcome, welcome, Death Battle! How do you do?~

Gyah! What the heck? W, she's never talked to us directly before! What's happening?!

*Sigh* She's probably breaking the fourth wall, like she so often does. She can see and hear things that are normally only privy to the show viewers and/or movie audience.

Sorry! Did I interrupt you guys?

Well, just the cool parts! Like how you can fight off changelings with a deadly party-supply cannon, keep pace with ridiculously fast fliers like Rainbow Dash, and predict dangers and hazards with your Pinkie Sense. You're a gee-dee monster!

What? :pinkiegasp: I'm not a monster. I just want everypony to be happy. Speaking of which, would you like to try my original cherry-cinnamon-cilantro cupcakes? They sound creative, but taste worse than they sound!

N-No thank you. I'm good.

*Ahem* Even if somebody could survive all of Pinkie Pie's arsenal, they'd have a tough time actually hurting her. If her body were somehow damaged, she can pull herself back together on the spot... unless they pulled her mouth off via dark magic. But those events are few and far between.

She was deemed worthy to wield the Element of Laughter and helped defeat a multitude of Equestria's threats like a Nightmare pony, a reality-warping draconequus, a horde of changelings, and a magic-stealing centaur!

And then she discovered the relic of Hope, a blindfold used by Somnambula in her trial against a sphinx.

Is there anything this pink pony can't do?

Well, I can't cast unicorn magic or stand on clouds like pegasi without tying balloons to myself or getting a cloud-walking spell from Twilight.

There have also been cases where Pinkie has been emotionally unstable and hesitant to utilize her full potential. Still, she's pretty resilient for what was once a simple drawing of a cartoon character.

Can I take a peek at who's next?

Pfft. You say that like we have any chance of stopping you.

///Death Battle\\\

Spider-Man
-Species: Human
-Ace photographer for The Bugle newspaper in New York City
-Bitten by a radioactive spider and gained a lot of powers
-Super strong, can run up to 200 mph, can stick to any surface (wall-crawl), and can sense/avoid incoming threats via "Spidey Sense"
-Has crossed paths with many other Marvel characters
-Weapon: Custom-made web shooters, with sticky and sturdy settings; need refill cartridges every so often; only shoot when Spider-Man applies a specific pressure with his middle and ring fingers
-Has difficulty keeping and/or protecting his love interests
-Ability to speak directly to the audience is inconsistent

Peter Benjamin Parker was born in Queens to Mary and Richard Parker.

Wait, wait, wait... Spider-Man's parents have names?! Since when?

How is that weird? Your mother has a name too.

That's because I'm an actual person and not a comic book character.

Back on topic, Mary and Richard died, leaving Peter's aunt May and uncle Ben to raise him. While taking photographs at a science lab, Peter was bitten by a radioactive spider. Instead of killing him like radiation poisoning is supposed to, it gave him super-powers: strength, speed, and the uncanny ability to stick to any surface such as ceilings and walls.

It also gave him the most broken power in fictional history: the Spidey Sense. With it, he can sense incoming danger and react to it before even thinking about it. It can also help him shoot his webs without worrying about where the strings ultimately end up.

Unlike his other abilities, the web shooters were an invention of Peter's own design. They're equipped to shoot a bio-degradable material that acts like a spider's web. They can be adjusted to shoot sticky ropes or hard spheres depending on the situation, and need to be refilled with new cartridges when the old ones are empty.

At first, Spider-Man wasn't New York City's hero. Actually, his first official career was a wrestling champion, fighting only for prize money and glory.

But that all changed when Uncle Ben was killed right after one of Spider-Man's matches. After letting one villain get away with murdering a close family member, Peter swore he would never let such a tragedy happen again. From then on, Spider-Man became the red and blue hero. Despite all the negative feedback The Bugle gave him, he kept fighting criminals and mutant threats all over the city.

Some of his ridiculous strength feats involve being the landing gear for an airplane and pushing past his limits to hold up a gigantic metal structure that he compared to a locomotive.

When using the Spidey Sense at its fullest, he can run up to 200 miles per hour, leaving behind an after-image trail, dodging punches, knives, and even bullets. However, his ability to avoid danger depends on him reacting to it and can be fooled if he doesn't believe he's at risk.

But apparently none of that was enough to convince the Justice League, and they all flat-out rejected him.

Though, his abilities seemed good enough for the quote, unquote "gods" of DC and Marvel that they temporarily fused him with Super Boy to create... ugh... Spider Boy.

What... the... f-

:pinkiehappy: Funky-fusion-tastic! I want to hear more about Spider Boy!

No. Just... no. Besides, the "gods" later split the worlds back apart and they agreed to disagree.

I'd say, "Thank you 'gods'," but they caused that mess in the first place. So... I'll say nothing.

The life motto that guides Spider-Man's actions comes from his late uncle: "With great power, comes great responsibility."

I guess ol' Ben wasn't talking about property damage when he said that. I've seen no evidence that Peter pays for any of that, even when he directly causes it.

Well, it's tough living off a singular job's pay when it doesn't have a minimum wage.

Yeah, I guess.

A scene shows a version of Dr. Octopus practically hissing, "Do you ever shut up?!"

"Sorry, no. My fans expect a certain amount of quippage in every battle."

///Death Battle\\\

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

See you on the other side!

///Death Battle\\\

A big, crowded city is dragged across the camera's view. It briefly passes a replica of the Empire State Building, complete with a U.S.A. flag on top. A white, rope-like object reaches up and attaches to the flagpole. In the next second, a costumed person swings in on the other end of the rope, does a somersault, and lands on a completely different skyscraper.

Something poofs up in the sky. It sounds like a helicopter propeller, but it looks more like a pink fluffy tail holding up an equally bright-colored toy horse. This pony slowly hovers before landing on the roof on all four hooves.

"Hey there, new friend! Want to come with me to hang out with some of my other friends?"

"Not until you start making sense," retorts the crouching man.

"FIGHT!"

Spider-Man shoots a web at his opponent and yanks it toward himself. Pinkie yelps before flying forward. Using the momentum from Spidey's initial pull, she twirls herself around and bucks the black spider design on the enemy's chest. The impact sends the web-slinger flipping backward.

He quickly grabs his legs and makes the backflip feel more natural. He shoots a web that reaches out to a corner of the roof. He pulls and swings around, behind the pony. While airborne, Spider-Man forms two "you rock" hand signs, releasing a double-web that joins together after being released. The result looks like a white net that ensnares the pony and straps her to a grated air vent.

Pinkie Pie shakes like a dog, scattering the webbing to either side of her along the rooftop. Spider-Man blinks and flinches back at the sight of this pony casually breaking one of his webs. He tries running forth while shooting solid, web balls from his shooters. Meanwhile, Pinkie pulls out some cakes from her questionable inventory space and throws them as part of her own assault. The web spheres do cause the cakes to fall apart, but they lose any painful velocity they may have had. This results in a lot of smeared frosting and low-bouncing spheres to cover the roof.

As Pinkie continues to pull out various flavors of cake and attacks with those, Spider-Man switches tactics. He starts running forward while bobbing and weaving left and right. To the audience, it looks like some black, shaky lines dance around his head before he dodges each incoming baked good. Upon seeing a particular four-layered marzipan coming at him, he shoots a rope-like web at it. He swings the giant confectionery around before flinging it right back into the pony's face. She seems happy to lick the entirety of the new mess right off.

"Bet you can't predict this!" Pinkie Pie pulls her Party Cannon out of thin air and hops completely into it.

"Wait, are you crazy?!" Parker stops in his tracks. "You'll kill yourself with that kind of weapon's force!"

Heedless of the man's warning, the cannon turns and fires its load directly at Spider-Man. This includes a ball of pink floof, cheering in excitement as she slams right into Spidey's torso. She stamps her hind hooves on the roof's edge, somehow stopping her motion save for a bit of giraffe-length stretching in her neck. Peter isn't so lucky as his back slams against a window pane in the next building's outside.

Spidey groans. "Are you related to that... Ricochet guy I stopped a while back?"

He manages to turn himself over and crawls up the wall with minimal sound. Behind him, there's a bit of a strange cross of sounds between a bicycle pedal, a crank, and a propeller. When Spidey turns to look, the camera turns as well to spy a flying contraption that seems like it belongs in a Willy Wonka rip-off. Pinkie Pie is the pedaling pilot of it.

"Do I make enough sense to you now?" Pinkie smiles and flutters her eyes.

"You wouldn't know sense if it blew up your helicopter!"

Spider-Man uses his feet to stick to the wall, while his hands shoot a couple webs. He ensnares the propeller in the process, stopping it completely. Pinkie Pie screams as her machine, and by extension herself, falls helplessly to the ground below. It looks like both scatter to pieces upon contact.

Peter web-swings to a lower street light post before getting a better look at the damage. However, several pink segments, two eyes, and a disheveled mane quickly pull back together, separate from the flying machine's wreckage. The recompiled pony uses her front hooves to double-check that her cutie mark is back in the right spot before she sighs in relief.

"Deadpool..." mutters Spider-Man. "Why am I not surprised?"

Pinkie hums. "Technically, I beat Deadpool back in that Discord vs. Bill Cipher contest, but that's neither here nor there."

Spidey tilts his head while hanging upside-down from the light post. "So... what? Are you one of his inner-child personalities that took him over?" He waves a hand dismissively. "You know what? Don't answer that. I gotta go."

He drops to the ground and triggers something. As he runs away, the screen looks like it's capturing several afterimages following his same footpath. It's clear that he's running faster than any man reasonably should. Suddenly, Pinkie pops up in front of him. Hope glitters in her eyes. In desperation, Parker throws several "Maximum Spider" punches and kicks rapidly at his opponent.

The camera switches to a mode that makes the pony's reactions look about regular speed while making Spider-Man's actions look really slow. Pinkie Pie zooms around to avoid getting punched. At the same time, she plays a game by slapping her hooves against Spider-Man's sides and arms.

"~Pattie-cake! Pattie-cake! Baker's pan...~"

After a full run of the poem's chorus, she stops behind him. The camera returns to real-time speed. Spider-Man lets out several yelps at all of his new bruises. He falls to his knees, clutching his rib area. At about this time, Pinkie yoinks out her welcome wagon. It releases a geyser-like spray of cake batter onto both of them. She pulls herself out and eats the batter that is still in the shape of herself. Meanwhile, Parker's scream gains a few octaves higher... before it is followed by deafening silence.

Pinkie giggles. "You've got to blow on it if it's too hot to eat, silly!"

"K.O.!"

///Death Battle\\\

What'd I tell you? She's a monster!

Let's not waste time with insults and just stick to the facts. Peter Parker has a very hard time getting killed by anything. Even villains' schemes that realistically should wear him down don't actually finish the job. But similar feats exist that make Pinkie Pie a difficult foe to finish off. Both Peter and Pinkie have means of repairing bodily damage faster than others of their same species, both of them are faster than average, and both of them are stronger than average.

But when it comes to powers that break physics, Pinkie comes out just a wee bit farther ahead. While the Spidey Sense usually gives Parker the edge in terms of predicting and avoiding danger, the Pinkie Sense often predicts danger much sooner in advance. So, Pinkie could actually plan around avoiding threats more effectively than Spider-Man's split-second warnings that he sometimes ignores outright.

Pinkie also beats Parker in terms of speed. At a casual gallop, she can keep up with Rainbow Dash who can fly over 3,800 miles per hour. That's at least nineteen times Spider-Man's maximum speed... and that doesn't even include how quickly she could break the fourth wall and just climb around a page or a scene transition.

Plus, that pony's completely insane. One of her stray thoughts involves munching on sentient sweets. A science-fiction mind like Peter's would have very little chance of keeping up with the insanity that is Pinkie Pie's. Sure, the Goblins he faces are also insane, but they usually involve directly causing harm and destruction. There's no scientifically predicting what's on Pinkie's mind at any given point.

When combined with her unusual assortment of tools in her nearly unlimited hammerspace of a mane, Pinkie Pie's speed, senses, and unpredictability gave her the victory.

Peter was out of the Spider-Man and into the oven. Guess he was half-baked.

The winner is Pinkie Pie.

///Death Battle\\\

This appears to be one of the stages from Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite. Is that... Dante?

"Yeah, just thought I'd... appropriate... the Soul Stone for a little bit. Can't let our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man bite the dust this late in his career."

The orange rock glows, bringing the masked Parker back to life.

Dante points a finger in warning. "Everybody gets one, Spidey."

"Ugh... thanks." Spider-Man cracks his neck. "Hopefully, this one is all I'll need."

///Death Battle\\\

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