Merry Regiftmas

by Georg

Ho, Ho, Holiday Hijinks

“Oh, a present!” Luna and Celestia struggled to see who would get to the large wrapped gift first, despite the two guards surrounding it with drawn spears and fierce scowls. “I love Hearth’s Warming. Who does it say it’s for?” asked Celestia.

“Both of you, actually,” said the first guard. “It just showed up without going through security, so we’re going to take it to the receiving yard for scans and a thorough examination to find out what’s inside.”

“And if it’s cake, I’ll never see it,” said Celestia.

“Well,” admitted the guard with a short licking of his lips. “I’ll admit there’s a little sampling that goes on this time of year.”

“Or we could just open it,” said Luna, pulling off the top and looking inside, followed almost immediately by Celestia.

The changeling in the box looked up at them and smiled. “Hello.” Then it closed its eyes and gave out a quiet, satisfied hiss that was vaguely suggestive. “You’re so full of love, Your Highnesses.”

The sound of a pony clattering down the hallway shook Celestia and Luna out of their stunned disbelief, with Celestia slamming the lid back down on the box and Luna writing on the label.

“Send this to Twilight Sparkle right away,” snapped Celestia.

“But—” managed the guard before Luna shoved him toward the exit.

“Cadence would have kittens if she saw a changeling right now. Just go—”

He fairly fell out the door as Cadence bounced in with a happy, “Happy Hearth’s Warming eve, aunties! Isn’t this just the most wonderful day ever?” She hesitated with a look at the box. “Did that gift just moan?”

“It’s a puppy,” said Celestia. “For Twilight. She was asking about one and I thought I’d give her one for Hearth’s Warming, but it’s all packed up and ready to go and the guard was just on his way to take it there so we don’t want to keep him waiting.”

Luna promptly moved to escort her fellow princess into the room. “Come on in and have breakfast while you tell me all about your time in the Crystal Empire” She made shooing motions behind Cadence’s back until the guard had gotten out of the room and closed the door.

“I didn’t even get breakfast this morning,” grumbled the guard while he got a good grip on the box’s ribbon and started flying.

The box burped. “I did.”

“Shut up,” said the guard. “I’m taking you to Twilight Sparkle, like I was ordered.”

“Oh, a Hearth’s Warming gift from Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!” Princess Twilight Sparkle nearly danced around the Royal Guard carrying the large box while Spike stood to one side, out of immediate trampling range. “I wonder what’s in it! Should I go stick it under the tree and open it tomorrow?”

“I’d open it today,” said the box in a muffled voice.

“Wait.” Twilight eyed the guard, who was slowly edging away. “What did they send me?”

“Hey, it’s a changeling,” said Spike, who had taken advantage of Twilight’s distraction to open the box and look inside. “That’s unique.”

“My own changeling?” Twilight looked into the box with a smile that turned rapidly into a terrified frown. “Oh, no! My parents are coming over today for Hearth’s Warming!”

“I’m sure they’re very loving ponies,” said the changeling. “I’d love to meet them.”

“Your mom will freak,” said Spike. “Want me to go over to Rarity’s and get her started on a wedding dress?”

“No!” Twilight turned her disapproval on the little dragon. “Mom’s not that obsessed about finding me a coltfriend. Really!”

“I’m a mare,” said the changeling, peeking over the side of the box. “But I’m open to that kind of relationship, provided there’s love in it.”

“No, I don’t want a relationship with a changeling,” snapped Twilight before casting a determined look at the guard, who started to immediately backpedal.

“Don’t look at me! I’m… married already.”

The changeling snorted. “Ha!”

“Not a guard either!” protested Twilight. “Just… I’ll bet Applejack would appreciate having somepony out at the farm to help out this winter.”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Is this anything like the way you hide Brussel Sprouts in your napkin every time we visit your parents?”

“No!” Twilight slammed the lid back down on the box before the changeling could crawl out. “It’s a gift.”

“Well, don’t that beat all.” Applejack looked at the huge box and gave a low whistle. “Twilight done sent us a Hearth’s Warming gift. “Come on in and set for a spell, Mister Guard. I’ll bet you’re tired after carrying that box this far.”

“Well…” started the guard, who had just begun to edge his way out of the warm, fragrant farmhouse back into the chilly cold.

“And I’ll get you a big slice of a fresh apple pie, on account of it just came out of the oven and probably needs some samplin’ to make sure we’re keeping up our quality control.”

What little willpower the guard had melted like butter in the oven. He allowed himself to be seated at the broad table already heaped with Hearth’s Warming cookies and sweets, took the slice of pie, and breathed deeply.

“Ahh,” said the box. “Apple pie love. Some of the best stuff.”

Applejack started, then ran over to the box and tore off the top. “It’s a changeling!”

The guard nodded, because his mouth was full.

“What’s Twi doin’ sending us a changeling!” demanded Applejack.

“I’m very helpful and I don’t eat much,” said the changeling, poking her head over the edge of the box. She took a long, deep sniff with a growing smile. “There’s so much love here, and I’d hate to see it go to waste.”

“No way!” Applejack slammed the lid back down on the box and turned to the guard. “You take him!”

“We’re not allowed to take gifts,” said the guard from around his mouthful of pie. “Besides, it’s not a crime to be a changeling.”

“You think this is funny?” Applejack glared at the guard, who hesitantly nodded after long consideration of the topic and coming to the realization that he was not going to get another slice of pie from here ever again anyway, so why not be honest.

Applejack slammed the lid back down on the changeling, who had poked her nose out to make a comment.

“Well, take the varmint to Rainbow Dash, then! She’ll get a hoot out of using it as a punching bag.” Applejack glared while the guard flew away, with faint muffled protests coming from inside the box.

Rainbow Dash eyed the box that the Royal Guard had put down in the middle of her living room cloud carpet. “You say Applejack sent this?”

The guard nodded, and quietly licked a tiny fragment of apple pie off the corner of his mouth.

“Did she sound a little angry,” started Rainbow Dash while making a trip around the box, “like she may not have gotten over— Hey, it moved.”

“Yeah, about that.” The guard began to inch his way to the door. “Can I go now?”

He was unable to make his escape before Rainbow Dash tore the top off the box and looked inside. “A changeling!” She looked up, catching the guard at the doorway. “That means you’re a changeling too!”

... five minutes of pain later.

“Well, maybe you’re not a changeling.” Rainbow Dash looked down at the battered guard, who had managed to break a cloud couch, a cloud chair, and a bookshelf (not cloud) with his body in the process of Rainbow’s changeling identification. “They fight better.”

“Ow…” The guard looked up and blinked away the two Rainbow Dashes looming over him.

“Still, that wasn’t bad,” said Rainbow. “Are you single?”

“Yes, he is,” came a voice out of the kitchen. “Do you have any more peanut butter? You’re out.”

“I’m not out,” said Rainbow Dash with a scowl. “I just bought a whole new jar.”

The changeling came strolling back into the cloud living room with dabs of peanut butter smeared all over her face and all the way up to the tip of her horn while licking one peanutbuttered hoof. Rainbow Dash grabbed the changeling and stuffed her back into the box, slamming the lid on afterwards. “Sheesh, he’s a mess.”

“She, actually,” said the guard while staggering back to his hooves and finding where his helmet had been tossed.

“How can you tell? Nevermind,” added Rainbow Dash while scribbling on the gift tag. “Here, I didn’t get Rarity a gift yet for Hearth’s Warming. Make sure she opens it before you leave.

“Darling!” Rarity swept across the floor of the Carousel Boutique and swept the unsuspecting guard in the direction of a number of dresses. “Come in, come in! Have a seat, sir. And a gift!”

She paused and gave the guard a curious look. “It’s not from Blueblood, is it?”

“No,” said the guard, still a little stunned at the speed that a plate with cucumber sandwiches had been produced and an iced mineral water placed in his right hoof. “It’s from Rainbow Dash. She said I should make sure you open it before I leave. I really can’t stay long,” he added, looking longingly at the door.

“Well, I certainly hope it is not her returning that magnificent dress I made for her last week.” Rarity squealed and grabbed the lid of the box. “I love everything about Hearth’s Warming, particularly giving presents!

She tore off the lid, looked inside, and paused for a very, very long time before quietly saying, “Ahem.”

“Yes?” said the guard, who had grabbed a cucumber sandwich because the calories he had picked up from the apple pie had long ago been burned in the chill air outside.

“You said Rainbow Dash sent this?”

The guard nodded and swallowed.

“Sit.” Rarity turned and headed for the back room with the opened gift floating behind her.

“I really need to get back to—”

“Sit,” commanded Rarity over her shoulder. “Stay.”

The guard sat back down. “So… where are you going?” he asked, a little afraid of what the answer was going to be.

“None of your business.”

Rarity vanished into the back of the boutique, which soon echoed with the sounds of water running, some splashing, lots of scrubbing, and many more un-stallionlike sounds. The cucumber sandwiches only made a light snack, but the guard remained where he was sitting until Rarity came prancing back out with the present bobbing behind her.

“Here you go,” she called in a sing-song voice while floating the box over to the guard. “So sorry to make you wait, sir. Please take this creature to my dear friend Fluttershy over at her home. I’m certain she will find it to be a delightful Hearth’s Warming present, and quite helpful with the rest of her creatures.”

“Hello?” The guard tapped a few more times on the doorframe of the humble house with all the animals around it, but there was still no sign of the owner. “Fluttershy? I’ve got a Hearth’s Warming present from Rarity for you.”

“A present?” The door cracked open and a beautiful young pegasus poked her nose out. “Is it a dress?”

“No.” The guard carefully put down the box and began to back away, but not too far. “Maybe you should open it first. I’ll be right here in case it’s dangerous.”

Instead of cringing as the guard expected, Fluttershy’s eyes lit up and she gave a happy smile. “Oh, Rarity found me a new creature friend!” She ripped the lid off, looked inside, then ever so slowly looked over at the guard, who merely shrugged.

“I just carry gifts, I don’t send them.” He snuck up closer and managed to get a look in the box, where the changeling simply sat like she was sulking. Rarity had dressed the creature in the most poofy, frilly, extravagant outfit complete with a pink bow, pink hoof polish, and a look of desperate longing for sanity, which the guard could sympathize with.

“It’s nice,” said Fluttershy. “I think. She could help me with my creature friends. Wouldn’t you like that?”

The changeling sneezed instead of responding right away, then sneezed again. “Sorry, pet fur allergy,” she managed to get out before sneezing three more times in quick succession.

“Oh, my!” Fluttershy dropped the lid back on the box, which slowed the number of sneezes coming from inside. “I better send you to one of my friends who doesn’t have a furry pet, then.”

“Welcome to Sugarcube Corner, where everything is sweet, neat, and good to eat! Ooo! You brought me a Hearth’s Warming present! Is it from Rainbow Dash! Or Twilight Sparkle! Or Applejack! Or—”

“Yes,” said the guard, “in a way. You are Pinkie Pie, correct?”

“I think so.” The pink pony checked her cutie mark, then reached into her mane and produced a helicopter pilot license, a birth certificate written on a rock, and a pay stub from an animation studio. “Yep, that’s me. Pinkie Diane Pie, although Diane is a little silly for a pony name. So can I have my present? Please! Please! Please!”

“Yes,” said the guard in a split-second where Pinkie was inhaling. “Can I go now?”

“Not until you have one of my special super-frosted cupcake specials as a thank-you for bringing me a present!”

The guard’s stomach gave out a rumble, because aside from a few snacks in passing, he had not yet gotten anything substantial to eat yet today. Besides, there were no other Elements of Harmony to whom the gift could be redirected, so a delay would probably be safe. “Okay. I will.”

“Yippee!” Pinkie Pie somehow managed to put a plate with a frosted cupcake in front of the guard, rip the top off the box, and bounce around the room at the same time. “My own changeling! Just what I was needing for the party!”

The changeling barely managed to get her powdered and groomed nose out of the box before Pinkie Pie put the top back on and began pushing it toward the back room. “Come on! The party just started, and we need you!”

The guard waited for a moment with the cupcake in front of his nose. He took a careful bite, chewed slowly, and swallowed, but there was no immediate return of the box and its unwelcome contents. Giving out a contented sigh, he leaned back in the chair and regarded an eclair that had somehow been added to his plate too. It was a nice touch, because Celestia always seemed to sweep up any loose ones in Canterlot.

While he ate, the guard listened to the small, happy voices from the other room and relaxed. It was a nice reminder that someday, maybe, he would settle down, marry, and have foals. Well, contribute to having and raising foals. His bachelor life now was untouched by feminine companionship, and Hearth’s Warming was a cold time alone. Still, he was looking forward to the flight back to Canterlot and getting off work, or at least until Pinkie Pie came scurrying back into the room, looking a little frazzled and odd, even for her.

“Hey, Mister Guard. I need to send the changeling back to where she came from, to Queen Chrysalis. Can I get you to fly her there, right now?”

“Now?” The guard measured the look of pure panic in Pinkie’s eyes. “Sure.”

“Great, I owe you one. Let me go get her.” There was a pink blur and Pinkie zipped back into the party room, with only a few seconds until the box came back into the dining room, propelled by four dark legs sticking out of the bottom.

“And hurry,” hissed a voice from inside the box.

Heaving a sigh, the guard scooped up the box and flew out the door, resigned to a long trip out to the Badlands. It was not all that bad, since he did not have anything scheduled this evening anyway. Besides, this put him into overtime hours, and the flight was better than spending Hearth’s Warming sitting around his cold bachelor apartment, staring at the walls.

Behind him, Pinkie Pie poked her head into the dining room and looked around for the missing guard. “Hey! Where did you go? I can’t find the changeling and it’s time for the pinata. Hello? Don’t you two want any candy?”

“Your Magestickness! Look what you got! A present! A present!” Several changelings tumbled into Chrysalis’ throne room, carrying a large box in their magic, which they proceeded to place in front of her and grovel like they had been trained.

“Who would possibly send me a present?” purred the Queen of the Changelings as she slowly descended the stairs to her throne.

“Well, there was a pony guard carrying it,” said one of the least cautious changelings, “but he got away.”

“OUT!” commanded Chrysalis. She kicked one slow-moving changeling into more rapid motion and pointed to the door in the back of the throne room. “Get out, you simpering fools!”

She regarded the fleeing changelings with a royal sneer, then turned her attention to the box once they were gone and kicked it over. A changeling rolled out, with various discarded pieces of clothing scattered around as she flopped to a halt and looked up.

“Hello, mother.”

Chrysalis smiled much the same as a shark scenting blood. “Hello, child. Back so soon?”

The changeling belched quietly. “So much love. I thought I was going to explode.”

“Ahh,” hissed Chrysalis. “We’ll see about that.” She lit her horn and inhaled, drinking in the green stream of love from the changeling with a cackle of joy. After a long, long time, Chrysalis slumped back in her throne and gave out a long belch.

“Ahh, a wonderful mix. Like Hearth’s Warming dinner, with double extra servings of everything, plus gravy.”

The queen belched again and rearranged herself against the throne cushions, then fixed the smaller, tired-looking changeling with a baleful gaze. “Go tell the rest of the hive to get back to work. Mama’s going to just sit here and take a little nap.”

“Thank you, Your Majescticness,” said the changeling. She stumbled to her hooves and staggered toward the throne room door, giving a quick peek over her shoulder at the sleeping queen. Then her pace picked up and she fairly darted out into where the rest of the hive was waiting.

“Ok, guys! It’s all clear. Time to start the party!”

“Whee!” declared the rest of the changelings. “Happy Hearth’s Warming!”