The Cute One 2: Growing Pains

by No one is home


We're all Bad Ponies...

“I am very… UPSET!”  Dragon Lord Ember fumed at the young dragon who was the focus of her ire.  “I am feeling very… ANGRY!”

Spike back away nervously as the tirade continued, “I am going to… make out with Thorax, right now!  Because it’s not like I like you or anything!”

“Wait… what?”  Thorax exclaimed in shock.

“Oh!”  Ember glared at the confused changeling king, “So now I guess on top of being terrible at friendship, you also all think I’m terrible at making out!  Well I’ll have you know I made out with Garble just like week!  Do you hear that, Spike, GARBLE!  And he ended up with three broken ribs and a sprained wing!  What do you think of THAT?!?!”

Thorax looked desperately to his little dragon friend who just casually shrugged.  “Still less scary than making out with Scootaloo.”

Both changeling and dragon looked to Spike with skeptical raised eyebrows, but the dragon just heaved a haunted sigh.  “If I never have another pony stick her tongue up my nose again I will die a happy dragon.”  The little drake let loose an involuntary shudder.  “It was like she was licking my brain.”

-=-=-=-=-

“You… were serious?  You actually used your authority as a princess of Equestria to declare the Cutie Mark Crusaders to be legal adults?”  Princess Cadence looked at her sister-in-law in incredulous disbelief.  “This is still part of the prank, right?  I mean, Pinkie Pie is gonna jump out any minute and yell ‘Gotcha!’, and we’re all going to just laugh and laugh.”

“Nope-a-rooney!”  Pinkie Pie jumped out of nowhere. “I mean we’ve all laughed a lot about this, but it’s more the self depreciating kind of laughter.  You know, the kind that holds back the tears when you’re trying to live with yourself and sleep at night…”

“Honestly, darling,” Rarity rolled her eyes dramatically.  “What were we supposed to do?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Cadance replied, face firmly in hoof, “Maybe not treat your younger siblings like adventuring sidekicks, and/or sources of unpaid labor.”

“Ah’ll have ya know there are exemptions to foal-labor laws for family farms!”  Applejack declared proudly, drawing a long suffering sigh from the monarch of the Crystal Empire, “Yep, ah recon the Apple Family’s hooves are clean!”

“Well, except for Applebloom, of course.”  Pinkie Pie added cheerfully.  “You know, because of all the foal labor.”

“Okay,” Rainbow Dash immediately drew the attention of the room, raising her hoof in the air, “For the record, I have not in any way exploited Scootaloo!  And I even asked her if she was an orphan or not!”

“Is she?”  Twilight raised a skeptical eyebrow.  “An orphan that is?”

“Weelll,”  Rainbow grinned sheepishly, “It turns out that’s a lousy way to open a conversation with your foster sister… so, maybe?  But the good news is she’s totally living with her lesbian aunts and they’re the ones who own the house.”

“Well, that’s a relief.”  Fluttershy smiled softly.  “I’m glad we finally know that someone is taking care of the poor filly.”

“Wait?  What?!?!”  Cadance struggled to keep her lower jaw from fleeing her skull in it’s newly found quest to discover the floor.

“She lives with her lesbian aunts, what?”  Rainbow responded somewhat stand-offishly, “There’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian!  This is modern Equestria!”

“That’s what we keep telling you Dashie…” Pinkie singsonged.

“No, no, just NO!”  Cadance stamped her hoof angrily.  “I mean, you JUST NOW got around to finding out that Scootaloo actually had legal guardians?!?!”

-=-=-=-=-

“Okay…”  Applebloom looked over the contract carefully. “So he get’s to smack your flank no more than twice a day, and… ‘marital relations’ are restricted to weekends and Tuesdays?”

“Wait, so Spike only has to deal with your relatives three days a week?”  Scootaloo interjected.  “Sweet!  My aunt’s wanted him over for dinner to have some kind of ‘the talk’ and we just made out that one time.”

“For the record, Scoots,” Sweetie raised an eyebrow, “You and your aunts should still have that talk…”

“Ah’m serious, Sweetie Belle!” Applebloom glared at her friend.  “Doesn’t this seem a little…”

“Grown up?”  Pipsqueek interjected.

“Well, Princess Twilight said they’re adults…”  Gabby added thoughtfully.

“Weird.” Apple Bloom responded flatly, “The answer Ah was lookin’ fer was ‘weird’.”

“Weelll….”  Sweetie Belle drolled, “It’s important to set these boundaries in a stable relationship…”

“Yeah!”  Scootaloo butted in.  “How’s Sweetie Belle supposed to bake cookies if she has to worry about Spike sticking his tongue up her nose all the time!”

“All this talk about ‘premarital contracts’ has me second guessin’ our status as adults.”  Apple Bloom proclaimed as her eyes desperately fought to see the top of her head.

-=-=-=-=-

“Okay…” Twilight mused over the paperwork.  “So I can pardon Rarity and Applejack for violations of foal labor laws…”

“Won’t be necessary sugarcube.”  AJ took a long swig from a bottle of cider.  “Family farm exemptions.”

Twilight rolled her eys and continued, “And since it’s been less than two weeks, I can still anul any… ill conceived proclamations…”

“Aannddd,” Pinkie Pie giggled merrily, “Since Spike and Sweetie are within ten years of basically the same chronological age, West Virgineigh law says their relationship is totally as legal as the ‘Little Miss Equestria’ pageant!”

“We really have to go over standing Equestria law with Auntie Celestia…”  Cadance popped a hoofull of what everypony hoped was pony-aspirin.

“So… So long as the CMC haven’t recently purchased any property, we can still go back to the status quo…”  Twilight breathed a sigh of relief.

“The Good old ‘status quo’,” Pinkie chuckled, “Like Granny Pie always said, ‘Best not to ask too many questions about why we do like we do, little bug!’”

“Wait, darling, what was that last part?”  Rarity raised a hoof in alarm.

“Oh nothing to worry about.”  Pinkie held up a previously non-existent finger. “It’s just an innocent pet-name and nothing at all to imply that the Pie family aren’t just regular earth ponies just like everypony else… except pegasi and unicorns I guess…”

“No, no… the part about ‘purchasing property’…” Rarity clarified, worry in her voice.

“Rarity…” Twilight growled in agitation, “What did you do?”

“Well I was visiting my sister in her office…”  Rarity stammered,

“You mean ‘Treehouse’?”  Applejack interjected dryly.

“Well, the point is Sweetie Belle asked for a loan to purchase the old summer camp… something about helping young ponies find their purpose and earn their cutie marks.” The fabulous unicorn shrank back at her friends collective glares.

“In my defense, she presented a really well laid business model.”  Rarity argued frantically.  “There was a chart and everything!”