The six mares’ next actions were more of their usual shtick: After a short letter exchange with Princess Celestia and an official royal assignment, the girls took off into the Everfree forest. Yadayadafriendshipyada, Twilight, as usual, took charge.
“Okay girls, from what I could tell, this UFO landed somewhere near the Castle of The Two Sisters, so we’ll work our way out from there.”
Rainbow raised a hoof.
“Unidentified Falling Object, Dash. In other words, you every other day.”
The Pegasus lowered her hoof with a wry smirk.
Laughter followed them as they continued through the forest.
:::::::::::::::::::::
As it turned out, they did not have to search very hard. They came across the massive dust cloud in a surprisingly short amount of time; a testament to the force of the impact. Twilight lit up her horn, Rarity soon following her example, and together they began parting the haze as they went.
As they approached the center of the cloud, one-by-one they all felt a wave of fear travel up their spines. They shivered and looked about for the eyes they suddenly felt sure were watching.
Twilight, despite her large vocabulary, couldn’t describe the incredible depth of the feeling, but her base instincts as a pony told her there was something to be feared here.
Twilight gulped nervously as she parted the last of the dust and saw the edge of the crater. She glanced back to her friends to see a variety of reactions. Pinkie’s hair drooped a bit as she nervously smiled and tried to chuckle, failing to laugh away the fear, perhaps because the fear was not imagined this time. Applejack’s face could have been made of stone, but her rapidly shifting eyes revealed her unease. Rainbow dropped to the ground, gritting her teeth and joining the rest as they nervously glanced about, while Fluttershy was petrified, trembling violently as she faced straight ahead with her eyes firmly shut. Rarity broke the tense silence, her voice wavering.
“Twilight? Why does it feel so... Wrong here?”
She had no real answer. There was no magic acting on them, that much she knew. But that really was all she knew. Despite their being no obvious reason to be nervous, the whole group was struck with almost crippling-levels of paranoia.
Twilight inched her way to the edge, her friends unintentionally using her as a shield as they followed.
They peeked down into the deep crater and took note of its rather strange contents. A white form lay embedded about a foot deeper than the surrounding ground, a rather menacing looking object impaling the ground beside it.
“Um, girls? I think it’s safe.”
The others soon congregated on the lip of the crater, gazing down at the bizarre scene. Somehow, seeing the thing they had come for made it less scary, so the hairs on the backs of their necks gradually flattened until the feeling of eyes on them completely faded. The purple-haired fashionista blinked twice before turning to Twilight.
“Twilight? What in Celestia’s name is that?”
“I... Don’t know. Should we get a closer look, you think?”
After a bit of not doing but staring and whispering, the group reluctantly made their way down to give the object a more in-depth investigation.
Twilight barely needed a moment to come to a rather simple conclusion.
“That’s not a meteor, it’s definitely not a natural substance or shape... Vaguely pony-like...? It looks like it could be a living creature.”
Fluttershy came out of her trance at Twilight’s words, and after a moment of steeling herself, slowly approached the still form, chanting a small phrase to herself softly.
“You can do this, Fluttershy. It might need your help.”
She hesitated as her instincts screamed at her to flee. Finally she ever-so-slowly lifted her hoof and lowered it toward the white-covered creature. She smiled for a brief moment at her bravery before her expression fell.
“It’s... Cold... No pulse.”
She began to tear up. Pinkie quickly moved to give her a hug, but paused as Fluttershy suddenly yelped at the subtle rising sensation under her hoof.
“I-it’s b-breathing! I-It must have a thick skin!”
She sighed in relief and quickly leaned down to examine the strange being for injuries. The rest of them, however, were not as overjoyed at the idea of having a large, unknown creature so near to them.
Twilight soon summoned up enough courage to join Fluttershy in her examination. She found that it was a tall, seemingly bipedal creature covered head to hoof in a hard white substance with softer patches of black in between. No tail could be seen, and the claw-like appendages, minus the claws, on the ends of its arms were clearly nimble enough for grasping objects. Their search also turned up three more important facts: That the creature was facedown, that it’s shoulder joint was at the very least dislocated, if not broken. That is, if the unnatural angle it was bent at was any indication. And, after a brief spell from Twilight, it was revealed that there was not even the lowest level of magic normally found in all living things on Equus. Fluttershy lightly prodded at the injured shoulder and frowned.
“Twilight? Can you please get him free? I can’t set that joint like this.”
Twilight reluctantly agreed and began tugging on the tall form experimentally. To her surprise, her magic could not get a proper grip. It was also significantly heavier than she predicted. She was forced to focus and build up far more magic than she normally required to lift things. Self-sorting the entire library twice in the same day was not doing her any favors either.
Meanwhile, Rainbow had elected to not go anywhere near the creature embedded in the ground and instead favored investigating the second, smaller object. It was a strange-looking affair, covered in alien mechanisms and a dark black finish. Dash took a quick sniff at the device but recoiled violently at the intense burning sensation in her sensitive pony nose. The device smelled heavily of sulfur and blood. She choked, sneezed and coughed furiously as she tried to rid her lungs of the painful substance.
Applejack noticed her plight and came over to help her.
“You alright, sugar cube?”
Rainbow snorted again before answering. “Do NOT smell that thing. It just set my lungs on fire.”
Applejack glanced over at the object in question with some apprehension.
CRACK
Everypony present jumped at the sudden noise. As soon as Twilight had barely shifted the heavy being, a large crack had spiderwebbed along the ground from its now-clenched fist.
Twilight was confused for a mere moment before the color drained from her face. The conclusion was rather obvious after all. She looked up.
“Everypony back away. Slowly.”
Fluttershy gasped softly as the biped suddenly shifted on its own and began pulling itself up.
Suffice to say, caution was thrown to the wind as every-pony quickly vacated the crater while the being freed itself from the ground. The front limbs folded under the torso and pushed up, freeing the head and shoulders. It repeated the action with its back legs, bringing it to a two-legged stand and confirming Twilight’s bipedal theory. Yet again, no tail was visible to help it keep its balance, so how it stood so steadily was still a mystery to Twilight.
Twilight gasped softly as an expressionless golden surface appeared instead of the face they had expected. Seemingly unaware of their presence, it looked down to it’s dislocated arm. Without a visible flinch, it simply shrugged it back into the socket with an sickening audible crack.
Twilight shivered, nauseated by the sight of pure willpower.
The being rolled the shoulder experimentally as it stepped toward the second object. A long curved blade appeared from the soil as the biped gripped the strange handle and easily lifted the massive weapon. Rainbow gawked at the intimidating sight.
“Woah.”
At the sound of RD’s voice, the biped grunted in surprise and whirled around to face them.
=================================
Maine awoke to a ringing in his ears and a throbbing headache as his mind drifted back together.
Oh yeah, he curb-stomped Death. He should’ve known the god would pull something like this to spite him.
With a groan and a strong flex, he loosened the hard packed ground enough to free his arms. A spike of pain made itself known in his right shoulder as he steadily pulled himself upright.
Dislocated, grreeaaat...
With a quick roll guided by years of experience, Maine popped the bone back into it’s socket with the slightest of grimaces.
He saw his Brute Shot a few feet to his right, buried up to the hilt in the ground and far too close to his own body-print for comfort.
He took the few steps to it and pulled it from the ground surprisingly easily. The gravity must be weaker on this planet.
A small voice was heard behind him, triggering his instincts as he automatically pivoted to confront the threat.
...
Oh screw you, Death. Screw. You.
In front of Maine were six multicolored and rather cartoonish-looking small horses. They had yet to do much of anything, but he recognized the intelligence in their terrified stares.
He stood stock still for about a minute while his mind tried to cope with the ridiculousness of the situation. The six had frozen as well, not sure how to react.
Maine sighed and holstered the grenade launcher onto his back.
Guess I’ll follow protocol...
He waved, and one of the strange ponies waved back quite cheerfully.
He went to grunt something akin to a greeting... only to discover his pipes were clearer than they had been in years. He cleared his throat experimentally and went to speak.
“Uh... hi—holy shi— my voice!”
He realized six pairs of eyes were staring at him with a range of emotions spanning from terror to confusion. He cleared his throat again and continued, the long missed low growl of his deep voice sounded like music to his ears.
“I don’t suppose you speak English? Or Sangheili?”
A few more blinks passed before the purple-on-purple... unicorn- who’s horn Maine had just noticed- stepped forward and began to speak quite clearly, to his surprise.
“Um, We do happen to speak Equestrian Standard, does that work? Oh, I’m Twilight Sparkle, by the way.”
“We- I am... Agent Maine. I may not be affiliated with any government in this realm, but protocol for new species discovery still stands. As such, let me start by stating I mean no harm unless you deal it first. If that happens, expect me to defend myself and return the favor tenfold.”
Twilight Sparkle, the stupidly-named unicorn, nodded in agreement while her companions were still a little shell-shocked.
“Well, that sounds fair, I suppose. And as the personal student of Princess Celestia, let me be the first to extend the olive branch of friendship on behalf of Equestria.”
I... what?
Maine waited a moment to see if they were joking... but apparently that was actually the name of the place.
“Are... are you aware your nation’s title is a pun named after your species?”
Twilight screwed up her face for a moment before her eyes glazed over, like the thought had never occurred to her before. Which, as it turned out, it hadn’t.
“H-how did I never notice that?”
The rest were equally as surprised.
The orange mare with a cowboy hat on her head sat down roughly with a bewildered expression. Did I mention that their faces were incredibly expressive?
“Ah... Ah admit that Ah noticed it a’fore, but now tha’ Ah think about it, it is rather odd, right?”
Oh dear God, a southern accent. That brings back memories... and rage...
Maine clapped his hands, hoping to dispel the little trance and rid himself of such dangerous thoughts.
“Alright, I know Twilight here, but I don’t know the rest of you lot. So out with it!”
Silence.
“ ...Okay, let’s do it this way: One name for one question, deal?”
The cyan Pegasus- Jesus, how many mythical creatures are there?- with a technicolor nightmare for a mane popped up into the air and swooped close to Maine’s face with a spiteful look.
“What the hay is up with that crazy-looking sword thing? I smelled it and it felt like my brain was on fire!”
“Not much to burn...” came a whisper from her friends. She ignored the giggles and floated closer.
“Well?”
“I was waiting for your name first.”
“Urrgh... fine. Rainbow Dash.”
I am going to puke your mane by the end of the day at this rate.
Maine slung the Brute Shot around and displayed it to her as he continued.
“Well, Rainbow Dash, I was a soldier where I come from. A very good one. Comes with the job. You probably got a whiff of sulfur. Leftovers from the explosives I fire from this beauty.”
The group blinked, in unison. Very creepy, I assure you.
“Explosives?”
Maine shook his head and put away the weapon.
“Two questions. Next!”
The orange ‘cowpony’ with a blonde, well, ponytail trotted forward as Dash retreated to sulk.
Not my fault you sniffed my girl. Back off.
“Why don’t ya’ have a face?”
Really? Well, It’s their first encounter with my kind, but still.
“It’s a helmet.”
She formed an ‘O’ with her mouth and waved her hoof in a ‘go on’ motion. Maine chuckled.
“Yeah, no. This helmet has saved my life on many an occasion. It stays on. Next?”
The other unicorn, a white-furred, purple-maned thing that looked surprisingly regal, for a horse, stepped down into the crater with dainty steps. She spoke with an accent to match, very precise. It reminded Maine of Wyoming.
“Hello there, good sir. My name is Rarity Belle. If I’m correct that the rest of your appearance is some sort of armor, do you mind if I model some pieces after it? I’m a fashion designer you see, and I have found myself very taken with it.”
“You would be correct, and I don’t care. Next.”
She bowed her head in thanks and climbed back out of the crater. She was soon replaced by another pegasus with yellow fur and a pink mane who seemed absolutely terrified of the tall soldier. She whispered in a barely audible voice.
“I-is y-y-your shoulder o-okay?”
Maine crouched down to her height.
“Name?”
“Um... Fluttershy...”
“To answer your question, I have had far worse.”
She burst up, plainly alarmed at his answer.
“Worse!?”
Eh, whatever, censorship is overrated anyway.
“Kicked off a building, shot, stabbed, shot six more times, hit by a fast-moving bus, and thrown off a highway all in under a half-hour. I’m fine.”
They were horrified. One or two glanced between Maine and the trembling Fluttershy with angry glares.
Suddenly an incredibly cheery voice exploded in his ear.
“Hiya!”
“GAH!”
Maine instinctively grabbed the offender clinging to his back and whipped them forward, only for the overwhelmingly pink creature to cling to his arm. He tried to pull her off as she kept switching holds in an instant, all the while jabbering incessantly. The only things he retained from the nonsensical chatter was her name, Pinkie Pie, and that she was apparently the living embodiment of the word party.
The equines were laughing hysterically in the background as Maine struggled to dislodge his unwanted passenger.
“Just ask your question and get off me!”
“Okie-dokie-loki! Why’s your voice all deep and gravelly? Are you sick? Is there a frog living in there? *GASP* Does the frog like parties!?”
“I’m not sick! There is no frog! And it’s jacked because I just got it back!”
“Oh! How did you lose it!? Was it a voice-stealing gremlin!?”
“I answered your question! Get off me already! How are you even holding on!? You have no fingers!”
“Uh, magic, duh silly!”
“GAAAAAAHHHH!!!”
Maine turned and flipped the sky the bird.
Seriously, screw you, Death.
=================================
Finally, a few minutes later, the others pulled the pink monster off of Maine when he began threatening her descendants. Twilight cleared her throat anxiously, hoping to quell his rage a bit.
How does she know Maine was angry? When he was freed, he politely excused himself to go punch a boulder in the distance. The boulder did not survive.
Pinkie herself was now lamenting over the loss of the boulder and was having a funeral for it while Maine and Twilight talked. Neurotic, but apparently she was raised on a rock farm... Though how you farm rocks, I will never know.
“So, that was Pinkie.”
The angry man growled at the mention of her name.
“Ehehe... don’t worry, she’s usually only that bad when she’s meeting new ponies.”
Maine latched onto the word ‘usually’ and began looking for something else to vent his frustration upon.
“Anyway, can I ask you a question?”
Opportunity has struck.
“You just did.”
“W-wait, uh, that’s not- I didn’t mean-“
“Sorry, no more questions.”
“THAT WASN’T MY QUESTION!”
Maine chuckled at her naivety and waved her on. The girls were incredibly easy to fluster. She blushed heavily when she realized he was just teasing her, but continued.
“I wanted to ask about your actual species, for dietary purposes and logging it in official documents.”
Maine nodded and voiced his approval.
“Makes sense. Finally asking an important question. I’m what is known as a human, man, meaning male, more specifically, homo sapien. Omnivorous diet with significant usual meat intake, but a vegetarian diet is possible for us. Roughly eighty to one-hundred years full natural life expectancy. I think I’m about twenty-eight at this point. I lost track.”
Twilight glanced up from the paper she had magicked from somewhere. Also, magic. That’s a thing. Apparently. Maine had shrugged it off on other dimension rules.
“How did you lose track of how old you are?”
Maine clenched his fists.
“Personal question. Move on.”
She raised an eyebrow but said nothing more on the subject.
“Alright, any specific needs?”
“House and a job.”
“Well, we can work those out with Princess Celestia.”
“Speaking of, not to sound cliche, but take me to your leader.”
Twilight laughed and nodded.
“Of course, mysterious being from the stars.”
“When can we go?”
“Oh, uh... right now, I guess. We’ll have to take the train, which means going into town. Can you act, well, less monster-like?”
“No promises.”
Maine knew he was probably going to be overrun by more candy-colored horses no matter what he did.
Maine lazily raised the middle finger to the sky again as he stretched. Twilight stared at it quizzically.
“I saw you doing that earlier quite a bit, what does that mean?”
“Just paying my dues to someone I hate.”