As Sunset rounded the corner to turn into the parking lot of her neighborhood supermarket, Sharty's, a sign came into view that nearly made her crash her bike in shock.
For some time, an abandoned gas station next door to Sharty's had been undergoing remodeling and renovation. Now, a crew was erecting a sign in the front lot that proudly proclaimed:
NUTSACK BURGER
"Oh, hell no," Sunset growled as she parked her bike and grabbed her reusable shopping bags. As soon as she made her way inside, she flagged down a familiar cashier. "Hey Daisy, is Tangie here today?"
"Oh, hey Sunset. Yeah, she's in the office, why? Is there a problem?" She bit her lip. "I didn't overcharge you for something last time you were here, did I?"
"No, it's not that," Sunset said. "I just want to chat with her a sec." She waved and headed for the management office at the corner of the store. The staff in the vicinity nodded and waved to her. She leaned into the manager's office and knocked on the open door. The manager, a middle-aged woman named Tangerine Dream, looked up and smiled. "Hello, Sunset!" she said.
"Hey Tangie," Sunset said. "What's up with the new place next door?" She raised an eyebrow. "Nutsack Burger? How'd that get past the neighborhood association?"
"Nutsack Bur—Oh, the Noosecs?" Tangie said, pronouncing the name rather deliberately. "Yeah, they're from Cardhoof. They moved here about, oh, six months ago?" She laughed. "They have a passion for 'Colonial cuisine', or so they say. They had a couple of shops back in Cardhoof, they decided to sell them and move here, open a shop and show 'us Yokes' how it's done."
"So they're Woolsh?" Sunset asked, frowning.
"Yeah. Their name isn't, well..." Tangie bit her lip to fight off a smile. "It isn't pronounced how it's spelled."
"I see," Sunset said. "And...nobody's told them...?"
"Oh, we tried," Tangie said, rolling her eyes. "But, well, they just scoff and say 'aww, you Yokes'll get used to it', and, well..." She shrugged. "I'm running a store called Sharty's. I don't exactly have any room to complain."
Sunset chuckled. "You have a point." She shook her head. "Still, it won't do them or the community any good to...I mean..." She pursed her lips and threw her arms out wide. "I don't care how you explain it, there's a sign next door that says NUTSACK BURGER. There's...there's just no way to justify that, you know?"
Tangie sighed. "Yeah...you're right..."
"Listen, I've got some shopping to do and then some stuff to do at home, but tomorrow I'll visit the Nutsacks and try to get them to see reason, okay?"
Tangie shrugged. "Sure, you can give it a try..."
* * * * *
"Aww, well aren't you just a lovely little gel."
Sunset sat at a small tea table in a stuffy, lace-covered sitting room in a small one-story house three blocks from where Twilight Sparkle lived. Across from the stiff-backed sitting chair in which she sat, a short, plump woman with rosy cheeks and flyaway hair in a frumpy pink dress sat in a plush armchair, stirring sugar into her tea. This was Pat Nutsack, wife of Harry Nutsack, whom Sunset had met at the front door. She'd been invited in for tea after introducing herself as a resident of the neighborhood where they'd set up their new shop.
"Thank you, Mrs. Nut—er, Noosec," Sunset said. She folded her hands in her lap as Mr. Nutsack walked into the room and took a seat at the table, busying himself with his own tea. "So, as a member of the Lathering Downs community, I'm here to talk to you about, well..." She bit her lip. "I don't want to be rude, but the thing is...you might want to change the name of your shop."
Mr. Nutsack groaned, even as Mrs. Nutsack's spoon went still. "Bugger, this again?" Mr. Nutsack grumbled in an exasperated tone. "Look, you lot wear fanny packs, right? D'you know what that sounds like where we're from?"
"Yeah, but we don't go around putting it on a fast food restaurant sign," Sunset pointed out. "I mean...you kinda have to see where I'm coming from here, right?"
Mrs. Nutsack forced a kindly smile onto her face. "Well what would you have us do, dearie? We don't have a great wealth of options when it comes to a name for our burger bar."
"I dunno, Ye Olde Burger Bar?" Sunset offered. "The Queen's Burgers? Horsewood?"
"Last one's a bit trademarked tho, innit?" Mr. Nutsack said in a snarky imitation of a chav.
"It's just...!" Sunset threw up her hands in exasperation. "You do get the problem, right? I mean, didn't anyone explain to you what 'nutsack' means—"
"NOOSEC!" Mr. Nutsack thundered.
"So SPELL IT LIKE IT SOUNDS!" Sunset retorted. "Because the way it's spelled, I'm sorry, everyone's going to look at it and see 'Nutsack', and that, Mr. Noosec, is the thing that's presumably dangling between your legs waiting to get hit by a free kick!"
Mrs. Nutsack giggled in spite of herself, which earned her a sharp glare from her husband. "What?" she said. "It was funny!"
Mr. Nutsack took a deep breath, then snorted indignantly. "Right," he said. "Look, bottom line is, we've spent a ton of money registering our business, purchasing signs, all the things with our name and logo on them. Would you ask a Chineighse man named Wang to not call his laundry Wang Laundry or open a Wang Market in Chineightown?"
Sunset faltered. "W-well..."
"Precisely," Mr. Nutsack said in a tone that declared he'd won the argument. "So there'll be no more of this guff about our name or our burger bar." He grinned rather victoriously. "Besides, I know how you Yokes think. D'you think I don't know how you Yokes think? They'll be lining up for miles to eat at a place with a name they think is naughty."
Sunset frowned. "You knew," she accused. "You knew before you left Cardhoof."
"Too right I did, duckey," Mr. Nutsack said, earning a startled, bewildered stare from Mrs. Nutsack. "Now, if you please, it's best you pop off, we've work to do." He smiled. "And do stop by Nutsack Burger some day, and bring all your friends!"
With that, Sunset found herself ushered out of the house, the front door slammed behind her the second her hair crossed the threshold. She blinked dazedly in the afternoon sunlight.
After ten seconds, her eyes narrowed.
"Oh, it. Is. On."
* * * * *
Two weeks passed. Whenever Sunset dropped by the grocery store for something, the Nutsack Burger sign was there, taunting her. Then the restaurant had its grand opening, and she found flyers and coupons for it posted in her mailbox.
Applejack held the flyer Sunset had brought to show her friends aloft, her brow furrowed. "Nutsack Burger? Okay, jes'...whut?"
Rainbow let out a bark of laughter. "Oh god, that sounds so gross! Are they like, what, made out of ground-up bull nutsacks?"
"Thank you for that," Rarity said acidly, putting her plastic spork down with a frown and pushing her salad away as Fluttershy whimpered squeakily.
"I didn't bring it up earlier, but this thing's been bugging me for a while now," Sunset said. "This place just opened up in my neighborhood, and a lot of the locals are kinda ticked about the name. Thing is, I went to talk to the owner a couple of weeks ago to try to explain to him why the name bothers everyone, and, well..." She slumped forward, her face falling. "We sorta got into a fight and the guy's kind of a jerk."
"Sounds like he's a real nutsack," Rainbow said with a grin.
"Umm...why would they name their store that?" Twilight asked.
"Because it's their actual name," Sunset explained. "They're Woolsh, so it's pronounced 'Noosec', but..."
"But in our English, it reads as 'Nutsack'," Rarity said, tutting. "Yes, that is a problem. And he refused to see reason?"
"It's worse than that," Sunset said sourly. "He knows exactly what he's doing. He's counting on the troll factor to get business."
"Oh my. That's...actually pretty clever," Fluttershy said.
"But is the food any good?" Rainbow wondered pointedly. "I mean, if you're gonna go into a place called Nutsack Burger, you're gonna wonder if the food tastes like, well..."
"Nutsack?" Pinkie Pie prompted.
"Yep."
"I have no idea," Sunset said. "Mr. Nutsack did sorta dare me to come, though, I think. And to bring my friends. I think he was being a jerk or...whatever, but..." She bit her lip.
"Oh, we should totally do it," Rainbow said. "Then if the food sucks, we can smear the punk on Burp."
"An' if th' food's good?" Applejack asked.
"Then we still smear the punk on Burp for having a bad attitude and a stupid name," Rainbow said.
"That's not very nice," Fluttershy said with a mild frown.
"Fluttershy, there's a burger place right next door to the supermarket I go to to buy food that's called Nutsack Burger," Sunset said. "And the guy who owns it all but told me to go screw myself when I complained about it."
Fluttershy pursed her lips, her brow furrowing cutely. "Okay," she said, nodding once with determination. "Let's eat his lunch. And then after we eat his lunch, we'll eat his lunch."
"Oooh, good wordplay!" Pinkie said cheerfully.
* * * * *
Seven girls walked through the front doors of Nutsack Burger and were assaulted by a variety of smells which carried a strong undercurrent of vinegar and fish. There weren't very many people in the store, and most of them were college kids who didn't look entirely sober, or the less mature boys from school such as Snips and Snails, who occupied a table near the front windows and were chuckling to themselves. At the front counter, taking orders, were Coco Pommel and a college-aged girl with light mocha colored skin and long, straight brown hair. They grouped into two loose lines at the mostly-empty counter and studied the menu board.
"Let's see...Double Sack, Fish and Chips Burger, Salisbury Burger?" Rainbow wondered. "And...don't they have fries?"
"They do, darling, but they're called chips," Rarity said. "What we call fries, they call chips, and what we call chips, they call crisps."
"Huh. Weird." Rainbow kept scanning the menu, then suddenly erupted into a fit of snickers. "Buffalo chips?"
Coco, overhearing her, offered a pained grimace. "They're fries with hot sauce," she said. "I know, it's...it's weird..."
"What's a Sally Lunn bun?" Twilight wondered, tilting her head. At least three menu offerings boasted being served on a 'Sally Lunn bun'.
"Oh, it's...well..." Coco frowned. "It's really big, kind of sweet, really yeasty bread?" She shook her head. "Don't order it unless you're really hungry."
Rainbow and Applejack glanced at each other, raised eyebrows, and smirked.
Fluttershy bit her lip. "Oh my. Umm...I don't suppose you have a salad on the menu?"
Coco shook her head. "Sorry," she said. "Oh, but we do have a baked potato!"
"Jacket potato," her co-worker whispered.
"Right, jacket potato," Coco said quickly. "It's...it's got all kinds of stuff on it..."
Fluttershy scanned the menu, blinking when she found it. "Umm...that actually sounds heavier and more bloaty than the burgers," she said. She sighed. "I guess I'll have the fish and chips burger."
"I believe I'll have the Salisbury Burger," Rarity said. "It sounds quite savory."
"I'll just have a plain burger, no cheese," Twilight said.
Sunset mulled things over for a minute. "I think I'll try that jacket potato with everything," she said.
"Ah'll go fer the, uhh, King Nutsack," Applejack said. "Mustard, no mayo, extra bacon."
"I'll have the King Nutsack, mayonnaise, no mustard, extra bacon and extra cheese," Rainbow said in a challenging tone.
"I'll have the Double Sack and a large chocolate milkshake!" Pinkie said.
Coco and her co-worker finished feverishly punching in their orders. "Chips all around?" the other cashier asked.
"None for me," Fluttershy said.
"Plain chips," Twilight said.
"Plain chips for me as well," Rarity said.
"Applejack wants Buffalo chips!" Rainbow announced with a snicker.
Applejack rolled her eyes. "Then Rainbow wants them 'dirty chips'," she said.
"No chips here, I'm already eating way too much potato," Sunset said. "Think I'm with Pinkie on the milkshake thing though." The other girls ordered their drinks, then everyone paid when the totals were added up, dividing the bill between them.
"We'll bring your food out to you when it's ready," Coco said. The girls wended their way to the corner, finding a booth large enough for all seven of them to crowd into.
"Kinda stinks in here," Rainbow commented quietly once they'd all sat down.
Sunset took a few napkins from the napkin dispenser and fiddled with them. "Yeah, there's kind of a weird...fishy...vinegar smell in here." She wrinkled her nose. "I really hope that's just from whatever they fry the food in."
"Ugh, no, then the food'll smell like that," Twilight complained.
Ditzy Doo and Sandalwood walked past their booth. Sunset flagged them down. "Hey Ditzy, fancy seeing you here."
"Oh...hey Sunset," Ditzy said. "Forgot you lived near here. Hi girls."
"So, what's the scoop, Derpy?" Rainbow asked. "How's the food here?"
Ditzy bit her lip, an unhappy frown on her face. "Basically? Run." With that, she and Sandalwood left.
A deathly pall descended upon the table. Little attempt at conversation was made until Coco, the other cashier, and a third wage slave brought their food to the table on a trio of plastic trays. As the food was placed in front of them in cheap cardboard trays and boats with handfuls of packets of condiments dumped unceremoniously in the center, the girls' hearts and stomachs began to sink.
The burgers Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity had ordered all came served on a toasted English muffin. Pinkie's came the closest to looking like a normal hamburger, if the bun was a bit sad looking and the meat was an unappealing shade of grey. Rainbow and Applejack, on the other hand, had been brought massive burgers on huge, yeasty rolls that were loaded with so many ingredients there was quite simply no conceivable way to pick them up without dumping half of it.
"Holy crap," Rainbow said, eyeing her 'King Nutsack'. "This thing's bigger than my tits!"
"Oh...my...goodness," Fluttershy said as she lifted the top off her fish and chips burger to inspect its contents. Two thin breaded fish fillets sat atop a bed of thick, greasy chips, which in turn sat atop a bed of slightly wilted lettuce. There were two pickle slices on top of the whole thing, and a smear of tartar sauce on the bun.
Twilight performed a cursory examination of her own burger, peeling the patty off its bed of disappointing veggies and holding it up between two fingers. "This looks...boiled," she said.
"Ah think it is," Applejack muttered. She'd unwrapped the plastic knife and fork she'd been given and had started in on her burger, and was chewing unhappily. "Yep, they done boiled these burgers."
Rarity cut a bite from hers and sampled it, brow furrowed. "Well, I don't know what I expected from the menu description, but...this tastes like a middle school cafeteria salisbury steak on a dry, stale English muffin."
"I think that's exactly what it is," Sunset said as she eyed her potato. It had been split open and stuffed with baked beans, crumbled bacon, shredded cheese, pickle relish, and fried onions.
"Eugh, this is nasty," Pinkie said after swallowing a bite of her burger. She set it down and picked up her shake, drawing a long sip of it through her straw. She winced and glanced at her cup. "Wow, even their milkshakes are..."
As bad as the burgers were, the fries were worse. They hadn't been salted at all, they were soggy and greasy, and Rainbow's "dirty chips" essentially turned out to be a tablespoon of lukewarm, watery chili and congealed cheese on top of a caked-together mess of cold, sodden, greasy potato. The girls picked listlessly at their meals, occasionally commenting on the quality.
"Seriously, did they even salt this meat?"
"Now I know why you don't boil ground beef...ugh..."
"Good thing the beans on this potato are so sweet, the potato itself tastes like mush..."
"In retrospect, I question the wisdom of ordering a Salisbury steak burger."
"I think I've eaten kitchen sponges tastier than this."
"Ugh, this big-ass bun is way too much. Is it supposed to be this heavy?"
"Ah don't think so. Ah mean, seems like t' me this is supposed to be a light bread, that's whut it tastes like. Ah think they didn't let it rise nowhere yonder near long enough."
"Oh, oh no...I can't finish this," Fluttershy said, setting down her burger and standing up, holding a napkin to her mouth. "Excuse me, I..." She made an ulping sound, her cheeks bulging. She turned and ran for the restroom.
The others all looked at each other, pained grimaces on their faces. They pulled out their phones.
* * * * *
BURP Reviews: Nutsack Burger
1123 5th Street, Lathering Downs
Fast Food/Burger, Price Range: $
Average reviewer score: 1.8/5 ★★☆☆☆
Reviewer: Rainbow D. ★☆☆☆☆
This place sucks! The burgers are boiled and have zero taste, the fries are soggy and nasty, and what kind of name is Nutsack Burger anyway? I mean, who's gonna go there, drunk frat boys and dorky retards? Lame!
Reviewer: Fluttershy ★☆☆☆☆
This restaurant opened up in a friend's neighborhood. We all went in as a group. The counter girls were very nice and apologetic. The food was, I'm sorry, just terrible. I ordered the fish and chips burger and it was a greasy, half-cold mess on a stale English muffin. I mean, an English muffin? Seriously? This is what you want people to think hamburgers are like in Wooles? I actually had to throw up in the bathroom there because the food was so awful. I've heard the owner wasn't very nice to one of my friends, also. I just really can't recommend this place to anybody.
Reviewer: Applejack ★☆☆☆☆
This place is a bad joke with a stupid name and awful food. I'd rather eat a whole tub of our school's Mistery Meat than these boiled burgers and greasy fries.
Reviewer: Snips ★★★★★
Heheheheheheheheheh Nutsack omfglol kek
Reviewer: Snails ★★★☆☆
Eh, it's okay I guess. Burger Barn is better.
Reviewer: Ditzy D. ★☆☆☆☆
ENGLISH MUFFINS, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
Reviewer: Sunset S. ★☆☆☆☆
Okay, I tried to be objective about this, but this food is horrible. I ordered a jacket potato and the potato was so bland and the only flavor at all came from the baked beans stuffed inside it. The rest of the toppings were a congealed mess. They can't even get a milkshake right. Also, when I went to the owner as a resident of the neighborhood to complain about this place's name, I was treated very rudely. I don't think the people who own this place are very nice and they really don't have any business owning a shop in my community. Not if this is how they're going to do it.
Reviewer: Twilight S. ★☆☆☆☆
I don't think this can even legally be called food.
Reviewer: Rarity ★☆☆☆☆
Nutsack Burger fails on every conceivable level as a restaurant. Name, atmosphere, menu, presentation, actual food. I'm sorry, but I found absolutely nothing here worthy of praise.
Reviewer: Pinkie P. ★☆☆☆☆
I so won't be throwing the Nutsacks a Welcome to Canterlot Congratulations on Opening Your Burger Place Party. BTW your milkshakes suck!
* * * * *
The next evening, Sunset had just finished her homework and was getting ready to take a long, relaxing bath when there was a furious pounding on her apartment door. Frowning, she padded to the front door and peered through the peephole. On the other side stood a red-faced, furious Harry Nutsack. Twisting her face into a grimace, Sunset opened the door a crack, keeping the chain firmly on. "What do you want?" she asked.
"I DEMAND an apology and a retraction!" Mr. Nutsack thundered.
"Yeah, no," Sunset said, closing the door and locking it.
Mr. Nutsack resumed his furious pounding on the door. "YOU'RE OUT TO RUIN ME AND I WON'T HAVE IT!" he bellowed.
Sunset let out an aggravated groan, then opened the door again. "You're making a scene and disturbing my neighbors," she said. "Do you want me to call the cops on you? Because I will."
Mr. Nutsack sneered at her. "Really?" he said. "You know, I've done some checking up on you. Awful strange, isn't it? A sixteen year old girl living all by herself in a posh flat like this?" His sneer turned vicious. "Not up to anything funny, are you?"
Sunset blinked. "Did...did you just..." She floundered for a minute in disbelief. "Did you just call me a whore?!"
"Well if the shoe fits," Mr. Nutsack said triumphantly.
Sunset's left eye twitched. "Get lost," she snarled.
"Not until I have my satisfaction!" Mr. Nutsack bellowed.
Sunset closed and locked the door, leaning against it, trying to ignore the heavy vibrations of Mr. Nutsack pounding on it and yelling. She balled her hands into tight, white-knuckled fists. "Alright," she said. She calmly walked into the kitchen, rooted through her cupboards, and pulled out the heaviest skillet she had. Testing its heft, she stalked back to the front door, took off the chain, unlocked it, and opened it. As Mr. Nutsack recovered from another thundering knock, she drew back and smashed him in the face with her skillet. He blinked in surprise, blood dribbling from his broken nose, then spun around once and collapsed onto the porch.
The door to the next apartment over opened. A squat, fat man with a dark hair and a reedy mustache peeked out. "Hey Joe," he said. "Ahwat happened to your big friend? Did you dingle his berry?"
"Something like that," Sunset muttered. "Can you help me drag this guy to the curb?"
"Okay, but you buy the peppers," Dooble said. "I can only ride the pickle."
"Uhhh...yeah," Sunset said as she grabbed Mr. Nutsack's ankles and started dragging him to the stairs.
* * * * *
"He said WHAT?!"
Sunset blew on her bangs. "I know, right? The nerve of that guy."
"So...what happened after you knocked him out and dragged him to the curb?" Fluttershy asked.
Sunset shrugged. "Called the cops, warned them about a trespasser in the neighborhood, gave them his description. I guess he went home because he didn't knock on my door anymore."
"Man, some people," Rainbow said, shaking her head. The girls were gathered in their usual spot around the base of the horse statue that housed the portal. "So what's next?"
"Next?" Sunset asked, her face twisting into a cruel smirk that sent shivers up the others' spines. "Next, I'm gonna show him exactly what I think of him and his nutsack."
"What did you have in mind, darling?" Rarity asked. "We already left negative reviews on Burp."
"Oh, we're way past that now," Sunset said evilly. "He wants name-calling? I'll give him name-calling like he'll never forget."
"Ooh, what're you gonna do?" Pinkie asked.
Sunset rubbed her hands together with malicious glee. "This all started with that stupid sign," she said. "So I'm gonna end it with that stupid sign."
"Is it me, or is this getting out of hand?" Twilight asked hesitantly. "I mean, this just seems like way too much drama over something so pointless."
"Err..." Rarity blinked. "Sunset? I...I agree with Twilight..."
"Rarity, he called me a whore," Sunset ground out. "Because I insulted his shitty restaurant, he came over to my house and called me a whore."
"I'll help," Fluttershy said suddenly, a dark, serious expression on her face.
Everyone blinked at her. "Fluttershy?" Rainbow asked incredulously. "You too?!"
"When I think of all the innocent little cows and fishies that gave their lives to be part of that man's disgusting food..." Fluttershy's voice dropped into a guttural growl. "I just get so...so peeved!" She noticed everyone staring at her, coughed, and ducked her head. "So...um...I'll help," she finished quietly.
Sunset nodded. "Alright. We'll do it at two A.M. on Saturday night. Get some stuff together, I'll text you when I'm ready to roll."
"Awww yeah!" Rainbow cried, pumping a fist. "Vandalism in the name of justice!"
"I...don't know if I'd call any of this 'justice'," Twilight said doubtfully.
* * * * *
The night air was brisk and dry, with wispy clouds drifting across a waxing crescent moon. A rickety van pulled into the parking lot of Nutsack Burger; once it parked, Sunset Shimmer and Fluttershy jumped out, dressed all in form-fitting black, with ski masks rolled up atop their heads like black wool beanies. Each girl had a black knapsack slung over her shoulders, and Sunset carried a large burlap sack. They crouched down at the foot of the sign and, using flashlights, took inventory of their supplies. Looking at one another, they nodded, returned to the van, and came back with a ladder.
"Okay, we do the sign first, then the windows, then we're outta here," Sunset whispered. Fluttershy nodded. Once the ladder was set up, Sunset tied a black bandana over her nose and mouth, strapped a canvas belt around her waist and tucked three cans of spray paint into the holsters lining it, then climbed the ladder. Below, Fluttershy kept a lookout as she watched Sunset work.
Forty minutes later, Sunset climbed back down the ladder, a smug, satisfied smirk on her face as she pulled down her bandana and looked up at her handiwork. "There, that'll show him," she said.
Fluttershy tilted her head. "I don't know," she said. "I feel like it's missing something."
"Really? What?"
Fluttershy tapped her chin and hummed thoughtfully for a moment. "No idea..." She shook her head. "I'll think about it while we do the windows."
The two girls crossed the parking lot to the front of the store, each armed with several cans of black shoe polish and a sack of sponges. "We'll work from the middle around to the back," Sunset said. "You go that way, I'll go this way."
"Right," Fluttershy nodded. The girls set to work, blacking out all the windows with shoe polish; fortunately, very few cars passed by as they worked, and nobody took notice of them. When they met up again at the back of the store almost an hour later, Fluttershy's foot bumped against a plastic bucket, which rattled noisily and tipped over, making her jump and shriek in fright.
"Shy, it's okay!" Sunset said. "It's just a bucket." She looked around nervously just in case.
Fluttershy took a deep breath. "Right. You're right," she said. She knelt down to upright the bucket and paused, peering inside with her flashlight.
"Hm? Something wrong?" Sunset asked.
Fluttershy looked up at her with an unsettlingly evil smile. "I think I just found that missing touch for the sign," she said. Sunset blinked and looked into the bucket. It was full of clear plastic sheets with single black letters printed on them.
The two girls looked at each other and slowly grinned...
* * * * *
Dawn broke over Lathering Downs. As the residents got out and about on a sleepy Sunday morning, word slowly leaked out, via social media and word of mouth, about the vandalism at Nutsack Burger.
Within two hours of daybreak, Harry Nutsack was standing in the parking lot, face a dark purple, eyes bulging out of his head, a vein throbbing on his neck. "That little whore," he snarled. "She did this!"
Pat Nutsack stood beside him, hands covering her mouth, her face pale and her eyes wide. "What sort of...why would she ever...my goodness, Harry! We need the police! The police, Harry!"
"Are you daft, woman?" Harry asked. "We'll deal with this privately, quietly. Then I'll deal with that Sunset Shimmer myself."
His eyes returned to the shop sign, which had been spraypainted completely black, the name 'Nutsack Burger' replaced with "ASSHOLE BURGER" in vivid red. Below that, on the bulletin board, the words "NOW OPEN" had been removed and replaced with:
DON'T EAT HERE
EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE
YOUR MAMA'S BUTT
* * * * *
That afternoon, Sunset and Fluttershy met up with their friends, who had long since seen the pictures of their late night escapade.
"Stop me if Ah'm on th' wrong track here, sugarcube," Applejack said, "but weren't your whole problem with that there place th' bad word on th' sign? An' then you done gone an' painted an even worse one up there?"
"It's the principle of the thing," Sunset said defensively. "I mean, it isn't even really about the name or the sign anymore, it's about this guy is an asshole and I want him to suffer."
"Uhh..." Twilight uttered, holding up a finger, her eyes wide. "Are you okay, Sunset? This...this isn't like you..."
"Oh, this is exactly like her," Rarity said. "The old Sunset. And while I approve of punishing this man for his rude behavior and disgusting food on general principle, I agree with Twilight. I'm...I'm concerned, darling. You're backsliding..."
Sunset took a deep breath, bowing her head. "Yeah, maybe you're right."
Her phone rang. She pulled it out, glanced at the screen, and frowned. "Sal? What's—" She answered. "Hello, Sal? What's wrong?"
"Who's Sal?" Rainbow wondered.
"Sunset's landlord," Fluttershy said with a worried frown.
"WHAT?!" Sunset roared suddenly, making everybody jump. They watched, nervously, as Sunset's left eye began to twitch. She took a deep breath. "Sal? Take pictures of everything and send them to me. I'll be there as soon as I can. I have something really important to take care of. Huh? Oh, yeah, the cops." She bit her lip. "A-anyway, I'll be there as soon as I can." She hung up, pocketed her phone, then pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Sunset? You okay?" Rainbow asked.
"What happened?" Fluttershy asked.
"My apartment's been trashed," Sunset said. "Door smashed down, everything tossed around and smashed up."
The others gasped. "Oh my goodness," Rarity said. "Do you...do you think it was...him?"
"Of course it was," Sunset muttered. She stood up. "I'll see you girls later. I'm putting a stop to this." She stalked away. The others shared a terrified look.
"Should we...should we stop her?" Pinkie asked.
"I don't know," Rainbow said. "But we need to..." She sighed. "We should at least follow her."
* * * * *
Harry Nutsack stood in the back office of his shop, hurriedly stuffing large amounts of money into a duffel bag as he spoke on the phone. "Forget the restaurant," he said. "I know, but...listen—listen to me, woman! Pack up and get ready to leave. I rumbled that little tramp's apartment, so I'm certain she's coming after me. As soon as she gets here..." He absently fingered the revolver in his pocket. "As soon as she gets here, I'll put an end to this, and then we need to go—"
A sharp cracking sound echoed through the empty restaurant. Mr. Nutsack pocketed his phone and pulled out his gun, watching the door nervously.
The door shook violently as something heavy impacted with it once, then again. The wood began to splinter around the frame. The knob rattled.
"Go away!" Mr. Nutsack bellowed. "I shall summon the police!"
"Yeah, you do that," Sunset Shimmer yelled through the door. "We can talk all about how you trashed my apartment and sexually harassed me!"
"Sexually—what are you on about, stupid girl?"
"You called me a whore, you fat nutsack!"
"NOOSEC!"
The door shook again, then flew open with a loud bang. Mr. Nutsack raised his pistol, his hand shaking as Sunset Shimmer burst into the room wielding a fire axe. "Heeeeeeere's Sunny!" she said in a low, eerie voice.
Mr. Nutsack fired off a shot, but it missed by inches, biting into the wall. Sunset froze for half a second, but as soon as the cylinder clicked over to the next round, she rushed forward, bringing her axe around in a broad, sideways swing that forced Mr. Nutsack to turn away to protect himself. Sunset followed through with a kick that sent the gun flying out of his hand, then tackled him to the ground.
"YOU! TRASHED! MY! APARTMENT!" she yelled as she rained punches on his face.
"You vandalized my business!" Mr. Nutsack retorted, lashing out with a firm punch that caught Sunset in the gut. She doubled over, wheezing; Mr. Nutsack rolled out from under her and threw her to the floor, staggering over to where the gun had landed. "Now, you just sit right there, you little bitch, and I'll—"
"FREEZE!"
Sunset and Mr. Nutsack both looked up as two armed police officers rushed into the office. They were followed by a charcoal-skinned, white-haired man in a suit and a short, unassuming woman in a severe skirt and blazer with parched almond skin and stringy, greying brown hair. She held up an identification badge as she stepped out in front of the officers. "Marriet Pones, E.Q. Treasury Department."
"Yes, I know who you are," Mr. Nutsack ground out.
"Right then," Agent Pones said briskly. "Harcourt Fenton Nutsack, I'm placing you under arrest and charging you with money laundering and the manufacture of counterfeit treasury notes. As soon as the extradition papers are in order, it'll be back to Cardhoof for you and your wife to await trial."
Mr. Nutsack scoffed. "Please, Miss Pones. You lot couldn't pin anything on me back in Wooles, and you've got nothing on me—"
"Well, what do we have here?" Sunset said saucily. All eyes turned to her. She had picked up the bag Mr. Nutsack was stuffing when she broke into the office; she dumped it out onto the floor. Thick stacks of colorful pound notes spilled out in an ungainly pile.
"Those are our savings!" Mr. Nutsack blustered.
Agent Pones raised an eyebrow. "Come now, Mr. Nutsack," she said. "Customs would never have allowed this much currency to pass out of the country without alerting the Treasury." She bent down, picked up one of the stacks of notes, pulled loose a twenty, and scrutinzed it carefully, running her fingers along the surface, tilting it under the harsh flourescent light, and shining a small UV light on it. "Well then," she said at length. "Quite a nicely done forgery, Mr. Nutsack, but a fake note is a fake note."
"I, I, I don't know how that got mixed in," Mr. Nutsack said. "I'm sure it's the only one."
"I'm sure," Agent Pones said dryly. "Right, we'll take the lot for evidence. Detective?"
"We're at your disposal, Agent," the police detective said. He frowned at Sunset. "Now, you wouldn't happen to be one Sunset Shimmer, would you?"
"Err...yes?" Sunset said hesitantly.
"She's the one, copper!" Mr. Nutsack thundered, pointing a shaking finger at Sunset. "She's the one what blacked my windows and defaced my sign!"
"Really, Mr. Nutsack, I believe you have more important things to worry about at the moment," Agent Pones said.
The detective frowned. "We can't just...ignore a vandalism complaint," he said. "And, well..." He studied the door frame. "From the look of things, we walked in on a rather violent confrontation."
"This jackass trashed my apartment!" Sunset yelled. "And yesterday he pounded on my door to chew me out for posting a bad review on Burp and he called me a whore!"
"I would NEVER!" Mr. Nutsack scoffed.
"Oh, I think you would," Agent Pones said. She sighed. "Well, your assets here are all seized, of course. And as representative in custody of said assets...Detective, if I say we're not seeking to file charges for vandalism of these premises, would that suffice?"
"It would," the detective said, nodding. "And the break-in and assault?"
Agent Pones smirked. "I see no assault." She nodded to Sunset. "I see a young woman who has been traumatized by a rude, boorish criminal and who will be reimbursed fully the value of all her damaged property."
Sunset let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you," she said.
"No, thank you," Agent Pones said. "Your agitation of this criminal brought his whereabouts to my attention." She favored Mr. Nutsack with a cocked eyebrow. "Really, you are positively the most inept white collar criminal ever, did you know?"
Mr. Nutsack growled something in Woolsh, which led to a further raised eyebrow from Agent Pones.
Sunset shifted awkwardly. "So, umm...can I go now?" she asked. "I really need to check on my apartment, see how bad it is."
"I'd prefer you take an officer with you," the detective said, "and we do need a statement from you, but...go ahead." He frowned. "A word of advice, though? Don't go around committing any more vandalism or...or anything else that'd get you in trouble. You got lucky this time, but all this? This isn't something you want to make a habit of."
"Yes, Detective," Sunset said in a falsely meek, trite voice.
Outside, she found all her friends waiting, looks of concern and alarm on their faces. She smiled at them. "Hey girls," she said. "I...I'm okay now. Sorry I...sorry I..." She sighed. "I'll talk to you later. Gotta take care of my apartment."
* * * * *
Sunset whimpered as she combed through her apartment.
Her furniture was all messed up. Her TV was smashed, as were her gaming systems. Her plants had been upturned, their soil spilled all over the floor. Her books were scattered all over the place—thankfully, she'd had the magic journal on her person all day—and her laptop was wrecked. As the officer with her took pictures of everything, she wandered into the bedroom, where all her clothes had been thrown on the floor. An acrid odor reached her nose, making her wince and draw back. She turned on the overhead light and looked over the clothes strewn about the room. Many of the lighter colored garments had yellow stains.
Her heart sank as she realized what the stench was.
She threw back her head and screamed:
"NUTSAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!"