Twilight had just finished telling me about her 'number one assistant' as we neared the exit at the end of the stone pathway.
"So let me get this straight," I said incredulously, "through some... crazy accidental magic boost you had as a kid-"
"I'm a pony, not a goat," Twilight interjected with a raised eyebrow.
I rolled my eyes, "It's one of the names humans use when we refer to children, Twilight."
She tilted her head in confusion, "Why?"
I threw my hands up in exasperation, "I don't know, because we just do. Can I please finish?"
Twilight nodded and I continued, "So after your magic went crazy you turned your parents into plants, hatched a dragon from its egg, and made it temporarily grow to stupidly big proportions?"
"Yep."
"And now this dragon - Spike - is your assistant-slash-mailbox?"
"Well you don't have to put it like that," she said, giving me a flat look, "but yes, Spike helps me with just about everything."
"Uh-huh." I replied absently.
Dragons, man. This place has freaking DRAGONS.
The more Twilight told me about Equestria, the more excited I got to see it. I mean griffons, minotaurs, pegasi, unicorns, super strong farming horses - I guess, FUCKING DRAGONS, and even an immortal god horse princess that controls the sun and moon.
"...rry?"
I wonder if Celestia ever called down the wrath of the sun to smite her ene-
"TERRY!"
I blinked and look down at Twilight, "Sorry, what's up?"
She gave me an irritated look, "We're here," she deadpanned.
"Huh?" I replied looking at her blankly, then I looked around me and saw...
...the aftermath of the bookpocalypse.
Seriously there were books everywhere. The shelves, the floors, the windowsills, the purple lizard staring at me in shock, the-
Wait.
I blinked and looked again.
Sure enough, there was a big purple lizard holding what looked like some kind of present and gawking at me from across the circular room.
"Um... Twilight?" I said, not taking my eyes off the lizard, "little help here? What am I looking at?"
Twilight giggled and walked over to the purple reptile, "Terrence, I'd like to officially welcome you to Equestria - specifically my personal tower at Canterlot Castle," she turned to the lizard, who - I realized with growing dismay - was probably-
"This is my number one assistant, Spike!" she exclaimed proudly.
Fuck. My. Life.
"T-Twilight?" asked Spike in a not-so-quiet whisper, "Who - w-what is that?"
"Spike," Twilight scolded, "don't be rude," she turned and gestured to me like she was showing off a brand new TV, "this is Terrence Thurston, a human from-" she hesitated briefly "-from a distant land, far from Equestria."
Is she trying to hide where I'm - wait, I never actually told her where I was from. Whoops.
I looked at Spike again.
Well, given how Twilight looks, I should've expected this.
Hiding my disappointment, I leaned down to shake Spike's hand - claw... thing. Whatever.
"Yo, how's it going, man?" I asked jovially.
Spike looked at my hand, then to Twilight, who gave him a reassuring nod, then he turned back to me raising his claw to slowly shake my hand with a weak grin.
This was, without a doubt, the most awkward handshake of my life.
"Alllright then," I said straightening up, "What's up with the present?"
Spike looked down at the gift in his claws as if he'd forgotten it was there."Oh yeah!" he cried, "Hey, Twilight," he turned to where Twilight was standing... a moment ago, "Twilight?" he asked looking around.
I was so focused on Spike and the present that I didn't see her leave either.
Here and gone, like a ghost in the ni-
POP.
"SPIKE!"
"GAAH!" Spike shouted.
"JEEZUS!" I cried at the same time.
Where the HELL did she come from!? Where did she even GO!?
"Twilight, you KNOW I hate it when you do that!" Spike growled irritably.
I whipped around to look at Spike incredulously, "You're telling me she does that shit all the time?"
Spike looked at me strangely for a second, then shrugged, "Yeah, she just learned how to teleport recently and now she does it constantly."
"Well, damn, that's actually pretty awes-"
"Nevermind that!" Twilight cut in, "Spike, I need you to help me take some notes."
She practically shoved what looked like some old-school parchment and a quill into Spike's claws and rounded on me with her own parchment and quill floating right beside her in a magenta glow.
Levitation. Neat.
I raised an inquisitive eyebrow at Twilight,"So what are you-"
"Sit."
I blinked and looked around me, "There's no chai-"
"SIT."
"Yes ma'am," I said simply, raising my hands defensively as I sat down cross-legged on the floor in front of her and Spike.
Probably not a good idea to piss off the magic horse that could potentially magic me into oblivion.
I looked over to Spike who just gave me a sympathetic smile, then back to Twilight and her way too intense gaze.
"Tell. Me. Everything." said demanded, her eyes almost literally burning with academic curiosity.
Well, Terry old boy, you knew this was coming eventually. It's time to play 20,000 Questions with Twilight Sparkle.
"Um, actually, Twilight? Shouldn't we be heading over to Moondancer's for the party? I mean I got her a present... and... uh..." Spike stalled out as Twilight leveled a dangerous glare his way, "or we could just, y'know, continue with your, uh... scholarly pursuits," he finished weakly.
You did your best, buddy. You did your best.
Twilight turned back to me, "So, where are you originally from?" she asked with a wide smile. The sudden change in demeanor was kind of unnerving.
Really, I didn't mind answering Twilight's questions - I was an alien in every sense of the word after all - but I'd rather it not have been by way of interrogation. Steeling myself for the inevitable onslaught of questions, I answered, "Well my home planet - yes, Spike, home planet - is Earth, with a capital E. The planet formed roughly 4.6 billion years ago - assuming your Equestrian calendar runs on a 365 day year."
Twilight nodded, eyes sparkling as her quill flew across the parchment, "Fascinating," she whispered in awe, "tell me more."
For the next two and a half hours, I told Twilight what I could remember about the planet Earth and everything in it. I told her about our governments, what I could remember of various statistics, philosophy, history, religion and what little I could remember about math and the sciences.
I didn't sugarcoat how horrible humanity could be, but I did make sure to let her know that we could be just as benevolent, given the chance. She found it particularly heart-warming when I told her about the Christmas truce of 1914.
I was in the middle of a talk about some of our more awesome technological advancements when Spike interrupted.
"Hey, Terrence," he started.
I turned away from the frantically scribbling Twilight to face him, "Yeah, what's up?"
"I've been meaning to ask you," he said with a curious look on his face, "what are those headphones connected to?"
I reached up to where my headphones were hanging around my neck.
Holy shit, I completely forgot those were there.
"Oh, you guys are gonna love this," I said with a smirk, and pulled my Samsung phone out of a pocket on the inside of my coat.
"This," I said grandly as I held up the phone, "is a smartphone."
Before I could elaborate further I felt the phone fly out of my hand. I looked over to Twilight, who was now examining it closely in her magic.
"This flat piece of metal is a phone?" she asked with a skeptical raise of her eyebrow, "how does this even work? There's no place to put your ear or dial numbers."
I reached over and plucked the phone out of her magic.
Wow, that actually worked?
"This 'flat piece of metal' is one of the most advanced pieces of technology humans possess. It can play music - which is where my headphones come in, video - do you guys have video?"
Twilight nodded an affirmative, "It's a relatively new media we use in our theatres."
I chuckled, "Well, I'm willing to bet you've never seen videos of the quality this thing can produce," I cleared my throat and continued, "as I was saying, you got music, videos, pictures, games-" I looked over to Twilight with a smirk "-and books."
Just like I expected, Twilight eyes lit up like a child who got too many presents on their birthday.
"Oh yeah," I teased, "I've even got a couple squirreled away on here somewhere. And if you have enough storage space - which I do - you could probably fit about" - I gestured around the room - "five times the amount of books you have in this room alone... Twilight your getting drool on your parchments." I said with another smirk.
She wiped her mouth with a hoof and looked at the phone with awe and a little bit of... hunger?
"H-how do you even-"
"The books - along with everything else on here, really - are stored as electronic data. Don't ask for the science behind it, I don't know it."
"Wow," Spike whispered reverently, "all that in that tiny little piece of metal..."
Oh my god, I can't believe how fun this is. Now for the kicker.
I turned to Twilight, "Hey, Twilight, remember how I told you about the internet?"
"How could I forget?" her eyes glazed over for a second, "a medium with access to almost limitless information..."
"And you can access almost all of that info right here," I said, tapping the phone.
Twilight and Spike just stared at me.
I laughed in amusement, "And to think, we've mass produced phones that are even more powerful than the one I have."
Actually now that I think about it, will the wi-fi even work here?
Before I could ponder on that further, I was suddenly face-to-face with a pair of crazed amethyst eyes.
"Whatever you need to do to activate that thing, do it... NOW, " Twilight all but commanded.
I laughed again and waved her off, "Alright already, just gimme a second."
I went to hit the button to turn the phone on, but before I could, I heard a belch followed by a sharp, whoosing noise - like a fire flaring up suddenly.
Twilight and I looked towards Spike to see him standing there with a slightly smoking roll of parchment.
For a couple of seconds, no one said anything, then Spike chuckled nervously.
"It uh... looks like the Princess wants to see you, Twi," he said meekly.
"..."
"..."
Twilight's eye twitched.
Oooh this can't be good.
Her mane 'poomfed' into a frayed mess.
Yeah, this definitely isn't gonna end well.
Spike and I both backed away from the volatile mare as her mane started smoking.
Holy shit, is she gonna EXPLODE!? Can ponies do that!?
"C'mon, Twi, remember the breathing exercises Cadence taught you," Spike said with no small amount of fear in his voice.
"Yeah, Twilight, just chill," I tried, "we can always check the phone out later. Beside, I'm not even sure I have access to the internet here in Equestria."
SHIT! I should NOT have said that! Damn it Terry what the fuck were you thi-
Fire.
She freaking burst into flames.
It would've been pretty metal if it weren't so goddamn terrifying.
It was when she let out a scream of pure unadulterated rage that Spike and I booked it out of the room without another word.