The Caliponia Reaper pepper was the production of the greatest minds of an entire generation working tirelessly at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns with the express purpose of creating the hottest pepper that ever graced the world of Equus.
Why? Because they could. Why do anything?
And after many failures, trips to Canterlot General Hospital and no fewer than twelve separate fires (and amputated tongues) was the final product finally created. A pepper hotter than any other, available for special order only to the bravest of restaurants and the most sturdy of customers. Or daredevils, they also risked their tongues for the rush.
And to the little lavender filly, it was perfect.
“This is perfect!” Twilight whispered giddily to herself as she cantered excitedly down the halls of Canterlot Castle for the kitchens and, more specifically, the royal pantries. She had been Celestia’s student for maybe a month now and was learning so much! The books! The reading! The re-reading! Oh, it was a dream come true. But Twilight knew that Celestia had a bit of a mischievous side, if murmurings among castle staff was anything to go off of. Knowing this, Twilight checked her saddlebags again and- oh, yep. The Caliponia Reapers were still in her bags and had not burned a hole in them yet. She knew; she could smell them.
Potent stuff.
And they were not the only thing of perfection on that wonderful April 1st. No, for that day was going to be host to so many dignitaries Twilight could almost lose count. Not that she did, she did so pride herself on mathematics.
The entourages from Zebrica, Mount Aris and Minon were all gathering for a royal feast lovingly prepared by the dedicated cooks working in the castle’s kitchens. Three courses, the most wonderful cakes anypony could ever want for dessert! And best of all, Twilight was invited! So many cultures, so many new lines of research, so many cakes! Sugar is good for the brain, after all.
Were the cakes mentioned? Princess Celestia was quite insistent on their inclusion.
And it also provided the backdrop for the absolutely best idea that Twilight had ever had.
She was going to prank the Princess of the Sun.
With some really, really hot peppers.
Foolproof, as Twilight smugly liked to think to herself.
At last, Twilight arrived at the kitchens, carefully poking her head through the tall doors and looking around. There were a few ponies making sure all was set for Crisp, the master chef of Canterlot Castle and a very… stern pony.
I need a good cover story in case they catch me… Twilight thought to herself before slinking back a bit to think.
For a moment or so, she tapped her chin and hummed to herself. Then the proverbial light bulb lit up like a hearth's warming tree a week after the holiday. “I got it!” She declared before covering her mouth and looking around a bit.
My alibi: I’m trying to get cookies. Everypony will believe it and, even more, if I don’t get caught, I can make it true and take one on the way out.
With her evil plan that one extra bit more perfect, Twilight once more poked her little head into the kitchen. Seeing that they were all still super busy, Twilight began her sneaky maneuvers through the counters and tables of foodstuffs. It was touch and go for a few minutes before, at last, she was able to slip into the pantry undetected.
“Did you see Twilight slinking by?” One of the ponies outside the pantry asked to his buddy.
“Yuh-huh.”
Meanwhile, back in the pantry, Twilight took a moment to scan the environment. A jar of cookies sat on a shelf much higher than she was tall, but that was okay. She could climb. Later. For now, her eyes left the tasty treat and landed on her target. The big one. The… uh… Twilight couldn’t quite remember the technical name for it, but it was a really tall, really scrumptious looking cake, covered in white frosting and purple trimming with cherries and such on top. If Twilight weren’t here to poison- pepper it, she’d eat it instead of the cookies.
That, and the cake was created specifically for the Princess’ consumption. To eat it and not be her would be nothing short of treason.
With a quick flick of her magic, Twilight flipped open her saddlebags and withdrew the Caliponia Reapers from within. Her horn stung slightly even though they weren’t directly touching the ruthless veggie. Her face scrunching up from the intense smell of the deadly item, Twilight then debated how best to add it to the cake. “There’s too much internal area for me to just stuff them in… Celestia might miss it entirely if I do it like that... uh…”
Then Twilight remembered some of her studies within the past month, along with her own off-the-books experimentation she so loved to do. Among these were spells all about combining one inanimate object with another, and perhaps now there would finally be a practical use…
So, with studious enthusiasm, Twilight scrunched her eyes in concentration as her horn lit up and the venomous pepper was brought out before her. She didn’t want to turn the cake into a giant version of the pepper, that might be a slight giveaway, but instead wanted to imbue the properties of the pepper into the very foundation of the spongy goodness.
It almost seemed a shame. Almost.
Twilight tried not to bite down on her tongue as several layers of magic erupted from her little horn, the pepper beginning to glow and disintegrate as its essence was steadily transferred into the cake. When all was said and done, Twilight dropped to the floor while panting heavily, a proud grin on her face.
Until she had a rogue thought of: Why didn’t I just cut it into shavings and mix those in?
Twilight banished the thought. Sure that would have been easier, but this wasn't just a normal prank, this was for science! And the Princess! This was Princess Science!
“And now…” Twilight turned her eyes back to the cookie jar before cantering hungrily to stand at the bottom of the set of shelves. She looked up, straining her neck to see where she needed to go. “Okay, here we go…” stretching real quick to limber up, Twilight reached out a hoof to the shelf.
Then the door to the pantry slammed open.
“Sparkle! What the hay are ye doin’ in ‘ere?!” Crisp demanded in his thick, amazing accent.
“Uh!” Twilight looked at Crisp, then up to the cookie jar, then back to Crisp, who now was raising an eyebrow. Twilight grinned sheepishly. “Cookie?”
Crisp’s eyebrow rose above his chef’s hat before, with a small smirk, he nodded. “Cookie,” His horn lit up and, with a slight fanciful flourish, he removed a cookie from the jar and deposited it in Twilight’s own magic aura. “Now get outta my kitchen, squirt. I got cookin’ to do.”
“Thank you!” Twilight squee’d before hugging his leg and scampering off, nibbling on her cookie on the way out.
What did I tell me? Perfect. She thought.
The dining room was, simply put, lavish.
Banners with the flag of Equestria emblazoned onto them hung from the walls alongside the sigils of the other countries in attendance. The Hippogriffs, who Twilight had somehow mistaken for hippos at first, the zebras and the minotaurs. The dignitaries were currently arriving, being greeted by the Princess herself alongside Cadance and Prince Blueblood. That latter had brought along his son, also named Blueblood for some reason, who was only a little older than Twilight.
He was a jerk. And Twilight swore he might have had a crush on her.
Not that she had time for such nonsense. Besides, colts had cooties.
But while the dignitaries were being met, Twilight was wandering around the dining room with an excited glee about her. Most would just assume it was because of the coming dinner, and they would be right, but none would even suspect the master plan she had put into motion!
Twilight bounced in place at the mere thought, a giant grin on her face. This was going to be so amazing, and the Princess would be so proud that she could possibly pull something like that off against a being as wise and ancient as her! And then she would be awarded with all the books and cookies she could ever want!
Or so she thought to herself.
A few of the castle’s staff finished preparing the table, the butlers then moving into position by the doorway to greet those who would soon arrive. Twilight’s attention was caught when one of those stallions gave a loud cough, motioning for her to get in line and join them.
She nodded, trotting up to them with a spring in her step. She didn’t want to be rude to the dignitaries, after all.
About a minute past, the thought of what Twilight expected to play out running through her head over and over. Any second now…
And then the doors opened up, Princess Celestia at the head of the emergent group. The Bluebloods stood to her left, and Cadance to her right. The other dignitaries followed suit, looking at the decor in approval.
“My esteemed guests, allow me to introduce you to my newest protege,” Celestia announced as she approached the filly in question. “Twilight Sparkle. She has the potential to be a great unicorn mage, and will be joining us for dinner.”
Twilight beamed at the Princess’ words, the dignitaries sparing Twilight a passing glance and maybe the occasional nod. The staff then began to show the guests to their specific seats, the Bluebloods following them while Cadance approached the foal she loved to foalsit for the most.
After going through their usual greetings routine, Cadance nuzzled Twilight on the head with a chuckle. “Well look at you, Twilight. Excited for the dinner?”
“Uh huh!” Twilight responded enthusiastically. “And I just know it’s going to be extra special!” a slightly evil glint came into one of her eyes for a moment. Only a moment.
Cadance raised an eyebrow, recognising Twilight’s ‘I’ve done something’ face. “Oh really? Will we be seeing this extra special feature?”
“Yup!” Twilight proclaimed, before doing a double take. “I-I mean, it’s all so special already…”
“Of course,” Cadance said in amusement, noting the twitch of Celestia’s ear. “Well then, I suppose we had better take our seats. Come on.”
Cadance led Twilight towards the head of the table, where Princess Celestia took the head seat and her ponies settled down to the sides of her. Twilight now sat to her immediate left next to Cadance, the Bluebloods opposite them. The latter mostly seemed to pretend that Twilight didn’t exist, focusing instead on the dignitaries surrounding them.
Once they were all seated, Celestia tapped a spoon against a glass to get their attention.
“Let the feast… begin.”
And so it did. For quite a time, all of the various people of different races and cultures dove in and gorged themselves on the divine meal, chatting amongst themselves about matters both casual and important to their respective lands. Twilight listened in eagerly all the while, her brain taking notes on a little imaginary notepad. Soon enough, the first course was devoured, then the second. By this point, the entire population of the table was almost full, all of them having slowed their consumption to leave room for the desserts that were due to arrive any-
“Dessert has arrived!” came the voice of Crisp when the doors to the dining hall swung open, several carts decorated in all kinds of sweet delicacies being rolled in. Immediately, Twilight and Celestia’s eyes honed in on the towering cake that loomed above the rest, like the grand seat of some great empire. Celestia smiled at the sight while Twilight was barely able to keep a somewhat normal expression. Inside, she was combusting with excitement at the imminent ‘event.’
Celestia turned to address the dignitaries. “It has been a joy speaking to you all in such a relaxed manner. I know that you will all have matters you will wish to speak to me about personally and we will have plenty of time for that tomorrow. But for now, let’s enjoy the last of tonight’s work by the best chef I know, Crisp.”
There was a general muttering of appreciation and thanks from the gathered peoples as their desserts were set before them. Twilight felt her heart rate increase in anticipation when the towering, beautiful, tainted cake was set down in front of Celestia, the princess in question licking her lips as her eyes lit up.
And then Celestia sniffed. Very softly, very subtly. Nopony even noticed, not even Twilight. A small smirk appeared on the Solar Princess’s face before she glanced down at Twilight.
Oh… you tricky little imp.
Twilight beamed up at her, unaware that the jig was up. Celestia’s smirk returned to its usual, soft smile before she looked back to the dignitaries. Twilight, for her part, squee’d as slice of the significantly smaller but still delicious cake was set before her. From where she sat, Celestia grinned sadistically while cutting how own slice free from the top layer of her tower. Her eyes flicked down to Twilight before she leaned down.
“Twilight, why don’t you tell Cadance all about your most recent study projects?”
Twilight smiled, turning to face the pink alicorn.
And then two plates quickly swapped places, sighted only by Princess Cadance. For her part, the young alicorn only gave a small smile as Twilight continued to regale the tales of her many lessons to the Princess.
Finally, mid-sentence, Twilight lifted a fork in her magic and sunk it into the cake. For those looking at her, Princess Celestia now bore a peculiarly… excited grin.
Twilight lifted the piece of cake and took the whole fork-full in one bite.
Hot.
Twilight blinked.
Cake’s aren’t supposed to be- OH CELESTIA HAVE MERCY!
A long, loud scream filled the air, steam and smoke drifting out of Twilight’s mouth. She jumped up, placing her forehooves on the table with tears streaming down her cheeks. All eyes quickly looked towards the distraught filly as she continued to scream. They might have acted, if not for the the largest of the alicorns trying to keep themselves from bursting into laughter. Whatever amusement the younger had held quickly dissolved into shock.
“It burns! It burns!” Twilight screeched like a banshee, jumping up onto the table and rapidly running in circles. “There are twenty two of you, one of you help meeeeee!”
“Uh, there are twelve guests,” the younger Blueblood slowly said in bewilderment.
That only seemed to make Twilight scream even louder. She hopped down from the table, did three laps of the entire thing and then burst out of the dining room towards the nearest bathroom.
They all swore they could hear an immense sigh of relief as she dunked her head into a toilet.
Before the screaming then continued, water not doing much for burning.
Cadance looked to Celestia, appalled. “Auntie… that was just-”
“I know.”
With a sigh of exasperation, Cadance stood and cantered over to the kitchen door. “Hey! We need milk and bread in here!”
“Owowowoow…” Twilight moaned in quiet agony on her back in Princess Celestia’s private study, her stomach filled with bread and milk and an ice pack stuffed in her mouth. Cadance sat by her side while shooting annoyed looks towards Celestia, who had just gotten done calling for another gallon of milk STAT, by Cadance’s demand.
“She could have lost her tongue, you know.” the pink alicorn said disapprovingly.
“You know I would never let it go that far,” Celestia said simply before setting herself down in front of Twilight. “And I am sorry for this, Twilight. You didn’t deserve that…”
Twilight mumbled something through the ice pack.
“Still, you must realise you cannot try to do such things at important diplomatic meetings,” Celestia gently scolded the filly. “A whole manner of things could go wrong, it’s lucky I’M the one you were trying to prank.”
Twilight said a muffled couple of words that sounded like an apology.
Celestia sighed, draping a motherly wing over her faithful student. “I know you hadn’t meant any harm. But there is a time and a place for such things, and you must learn to have restraint.”
“Okay,” Cadance said, relaxing somewhat. “Now that we’ve got that all cleared up, where’s the milk?”
“That being said…” Celestia’s eyes lit up again.
Twilight sunk into the couch.
“As cruel of me as it may sound, watching you have hysterics like that was… delightful.” Celestia smirked.
“Auntie!” Cadance scolded harshly.
“I’m serious!” Celestia protested. “It truly livened things up. I must have Twilight attend the upcoming Grand Galloping Gala.”
Twilight didn’t know whether to feel honoured, or terrified.
“And you know the best part?” Celestia stated, levitating up a cookie she had swiped from Twilight earlier, much to the filly’s horror.
Nibbling on the cookie, Celestia continued. “I eat solar peppers as a morning snack, imbued with the fire of the sun. They would set anypony but me on FIRE.”
To prove her point, Celestia conjured up a lead lined case that had previously been stored in the deepest sections of the royal vault. The lock was attuned to open only to her magic, and it did so with a click. Then out came a ordinary enough looking yellow pepper, which Celestia promptly took a bite out of.
She then placed both it and the cookie down next to each other on the table, the table blackening around the pepper while the cookie began to melt back into warm dough.
“And you tried to prank me with a Caliponia Reaper? Honestly, Twilight… what were you thinking?”
Celestia just laughed as Twilight sank further and further into her cushion. Never again would she be so casual around the Princess of the Sun.
Never again.