Sexy Brain Parasite Story

by Damaged


Totally Not Boyfriend/Girlfriend Stuff

Rainbow Dash took it easy on her way home. Not wanting to make herself sore for what might happen later that evening, she casually walked the few blocks to her house.

The warm weather was coming with summer, of course, and today was no exception. Rainbow Dash turned into the street her house was in and spotted a car out the front of her house. Her eyes narrowed and she looked over the car. It was a Beetle. A shudder of imagined pain ran up Rainbow's back as she realized the car hadn't had any aftermarket work done on it beyond what was needed to keep it moving.

Walking right up to the car, Rainbow started to circle around it, feeling like a predator with an unknown meal in her sights. In her mind's-eye, she could see a bigger engine pushing out the motor-cover at the back, some better suspension and disc brakes giving it a more aggressive ride, and some nice bucket seats to hug her body as she took a corner faster than any Beetle should.

"You like it? I was a bit hesitant when Mom got it for me, but it literally never stops." Straightening up from where he had been waiting at Rainbow Dash's front door, Spicy Hot had a bunch of flowers and a grocery bag in his hands.

"Are you sure it's a car? It might be a pregnant roller-skate." Shaking her head at the car, Rainbow Dash turned towards her house. "How long have you been waiting here?" She didn't put her arm around him as they got close, and didn't expect him to either. One little night of fun didn't really make them boyfriend and girlfriend, but it didn't stop Rainbow from carrying a little flame.

Spicy waited for the moment Rainbow Dash unlocked and opened her door. "Can I come in?"

"Pfft, of course you can. I know last night you had to barge in, but I appreciate you asking." And she did. That he was in complete control of her when they were playing was one thing, but this was her house. "So come on in."

"That's what these are for." As he walked in, Spicy thrust the flowers out before him. Something was off, and he knew just what it was. Rainbow Dash was a girl like this. She was feminine in how she moved, but there was still something that tickled at his amour: Rainbow Dash let him take it all away. "I'm so sorry about ending on that note. Can you believe that was my second time with a girl?"

Getting flowers was something new for Rainbow Dash. Something new, and something she found herself liking. It was a small gift, and it was a gift that wouldn't last, but Spicy actually thought about her. "You really didn't need to get these. And as for last night…" Rainbow Dash trailed off as her memories carried her back to the previous evening, of being Spicy's play-thing.

"I did some research online, and from what I saw I should have used something inflatable. I thought a plug would be just as good in there as your ass." Not knowing had hurt Spicy, but more importantly it had hurt Rainbow Dash. "I did more, uh, research. I think I have something fun planned out for next time."

Rainbow Dash's interest was piqued, and she set the flowers down on the coffee table in the living room. "And now you're gonna gloat about it? Coffee?" She made the vague gesture to the kitchen everyone did when offering a friend a drink.

"Nah. Just a glass of water will do me." Spicy set the paper bag of groceries on the floor and turned, slumping down onto the comfortable couch. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting in Rainbow Dash's house. A teenage girl living on her own, and he hadn't gotten a good look at anything except her bathroom the previous night.

Looking around the living room, Spicy was a little taken aback. The couch, now that his rear had made itself acquainted with it, proved to be on par with the best couches he had ever sat in. Her television and stereo were a brand-name make, and had a suitable amount of sleek lines and curves to not be cheap. She had a pet tortoise in a huge terrarium on a custom stand to one side. The coffee table was the last neat thing to look at. A large sheet of hardened glass sat on top of a set of pistons that pushed up from an engine block.

The whole effect painted a different picture than teenager-living-alone, and only one thing seemed logical to Spicy: Rainbow Dash was rich. But that wasn't quite right, either. From the talk of cars, and the coffee table, he could see she was a car-nut, but she only rode a motorbike.

"Here you are." Rainbow Dash came back into the living room with two glasses of water, and set one down before Spicy while taking her own around the table to sit on the other end of the couch. An echo of the previous night hit her, and she longed to lean over and just lay her head in Spicy's lap.

"Rainbow Dash? You there?"

Shaking her head, Rainbow Dash took a deep breath. "S-Sorry, got a little distracted."

"More like almost slipped back into subspace. You really got into things last night. Do you want to talk about it some?" Spicy couldn't stand to see someone almost lose it like that. "Come on, you might as well do what you want."

Rainbow Dash stared at Spicy for a moment; he had his arms slightly up and to the sides, offering her to cuddle. Ignoring her drink, she crawled along the couch and lay her head on Spicy's lap. She wasn't completely back in her submissive mindset, but it was nice to have someone to curl up with. "Th-Thanks."

Hesitating for just a moment, Spicy lowered one hand to Rainbow Dash's jaw and slowly began to stroke slowly. "You are hitting a two out of ten on my comfort meter, which is odd. Girls who hit on me usually strike up about a seven or eight."

"I was talking to my friend, and I almost talked about you." It was so easy to relax and talk with her head on Spicy's lap. "I might have said your first name, but I didn't say anything about what we did. It just didn't seem right."

"What we do in private is just that." Uncomfortable as part of him was with having a girl on his lap, Spicy couldn't help but remember what Rainbow Dash had done with him—for him. "I got you some more things." Leaning forward, Spicy tried not to crush Rainbow's head as he grabbed up the bag in his free hand.

"You can wear these wherever you want, but when you are coming to play with me, you will wear them." Spicy felt Rainbow Dash tense for a moment. "Still with me?"

"Y-Yeah. What do you want me to wear?" Intrigue overrode her desire for pampering, and Rainbow Dash pulled herself from Spicy's lap, more than content with the little bit of coddling. She watched as Spicy pulled the first thing from the bag. "Cologne?"

"Men's cologne. One I like the smell of, and I think it will suit you." Spicy set the little gift-pack on the coffee table, only for Rainbow to pick it up. "Some matching deodorant, too." He set that down where he had put the cologne.

Holding out her wrist, as she had seen Rarity do a thousand times when shopping with her (dragged along of course), Rainbow Dash sprayed a little of the scent that proved to be the strongest thing she had ever smelled. "Oh boy! That's…" She looked at Spicy, who was raising one eyebrow at her. "That's good, sir?" She caught his smile on her own.

"Not now, but I like your enthusiasm." Spicy reached to the bottom of the bag and pulled out two things. The first was a pack containing men's grooming cordless hair clippers, and a men's body shaver. The second was hair wax. "Can you guess what these are for?"

"I-I-I…" Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash had encountered a problem and couldn't continue. Once her brain had rebooted (only a few moments later), she reached out for the wax. "W-Were my legs that bad?"

"It's not for your legs. I was willing to put up with the little bit of fuzz you had going, but if I am ever going to eat your ass again—and I will—you are waxing down there." Smiling at Rainbow's aghast expression, Spicy set the wax kit on the table. "And despite me not wanting to do anything with it, I want you to keep yourself in a little better shape. I can totally get behind keeping a little trim, but you need the right tools. Your legs are fine with a little stubble."

Squeezing her thighs closed at the thought of what she was going to have to do, Rainbow Dash knew—without a single doubt—that she would do it. "O-Okay. So I need to wax my—my ass?"

"Come on, you want more nomming, right?" Opening the package of body-wax, Spicy pulled out several strips with the kind of efficiency of someone who had done it before.

For a split second Rainbow Dash's brain tried to process things. "Whoa, right now? But I… and…" She looked at Spicy, and he looked back. There was a feeling of resigned acceptance. "Really?"

"Of course 'really'." Spicy stood up and walked to the window, pulling the blinds together. "Just roll over and drop those pants and part your cheeks." He made sure to lock the front door before returning to the room to find an expanse of blue on the couch. Rainbow Dash had pulled her shirt up a bit in the process, but sure enough she had pulled her pants down and off, leaving most of her exposed.

With her belly pressed to the couch, however, Spicy could easily mistake Rainbow's rear for that of a guy. He walked over to her without saying a word, and picked up the strips.

Rainbow Dash could piece together what he wanted her to do. Reaching down each side of her body, she lifted her hands up to her behind, gripped down firmly and pulled to opposite sides. "Like this?"

Something pressed down into Rainbow Dash's ass crack. Her eyes widened, and she wanted to panic. Spicy pulled before she managed to get so much as a whimper out. Rarity had helped her wax her legs before, and while that had been all kinds of stinging, this wasn't nearly so bad. "Is that it?"

"No, but that was the worst of it. And by 'worst of it' I mean to say you didn't have that much, but I wanted you smooth." Spicy took the second half of the first strip of the home-waxing kit, and spread it along Rainbow Dash's left ass cheek, making sure the edge overlapped the first strip a little. "Are you the kind of person who wants to know, or doesn't?"

"Just pu—" Rainbow cut off, feeling the second strip pull free with what hair she had down there. Something occurred to her, and she looked up and over her shoulder at Spicy. "You need someone to do this for you, too?"

"Yeah. If you want to learn mastery over the asshole, you will want to wax me." The next strip was laid down, rubbed, then removed. "What were you talking about with the shavers? Does that matter if we aren't going to, I mean…?"

"It matters because you are going to find someone to be the guy of your dreams. I am temporary, remember? I'll teach you what I can, but we aren't going to be a couple, Rainbow Dash." Spicy pulled back another strip. There was a little further to go, and for this he was a little more physical with her.

Spicy's hands pressed between her thighs, and despite the conversation, Rainbow Dash let out a little sigh and relaxed her muscles. "I guess I knew, but it just seemed like you were having fun. I thought you might… Not even a little?" A smack landed on Rainbow's ass, and she squealed. "What was that for?"

"Because the answer is complicated and I don't like facing it. You turn me on, Rainbow Dash, but not because you are female, or male, or any other sexual thing." Spicy rubbed the flushed palm-print on Rainbow's ass. "You turn me on because it is something new. A kink I hadn't tried before."

"Oh." Realization hit Rainbow Dash. She lay there and let Spicy lay another strip along her perineum, and barely noticed when he tore it free. "I need to find someone to be this, then."

"Yeah. I'll do it as long as I can, but when the arousal I feel from it is gone I—I don't want to lie to you." Done with the waxing, Spicy tossed the used strips into the paper bag. "But we get to stay friends, and this can continue for that long, or until you find someone who will like playing with you more."

Rainbow Dash felt a lift at that. "So, did I turn you even a little straight?" She sat up and looked at Spicy, but realized he looked down her body. To prove her point, Rainbow didn't flinch when he gazed at her groin. "Well?"

"Just thinking about how much tape I would need to cover that." Nodding to Rainbow Dash's vulva, Spicy dropped his pants and boxers without a hint of embarrassment. "Your turn, and you might want to wax down there, or next time all the hair will be coming off with the tape."

"You wouldn't!" Rainbow moved so Spicy could lie down on the couch. Pulling out a wax strip, she paused. "How do I use these things?"

"Rub them together between your hands, you need to warm the wax up a little. And I totally will. Much better than those silly plugs." Spicy reached back, put his hands on his ass, and parted his cheeks.

Rubbing the strips, Rainbow Dash peeled them apart when she judged the time as right. A sticky sheet of wax remained on both sheets of paper. She set one aside, and laid the other down the middle of Spicy's rear. "I might have this covered a little." Images of being dominated by Thunderbolt rushed into Rainbow Dash's mind, and she felt herself getting horny just at the thought.

"Oh? He have a name?" Spicy felt the firm fingers rubbing the wax down to his skin. He took a deep breath, ready for what was to come. The sheet pulling away made him gasp, but only because he hadn't waxed in a while.

Panic started to fill Rainbow Dash, and while she had meant to clamp her mouth closed, she instead whispered a word: "Thunderbolt."

"Huh? You have a boyfriend with the same name as your dog?" His brain more focused on the sting of the waxing, Spicy didn't start to put things together until he heard Rainbow Dash start to talk.

"Well, we haven't yet, but I was going to… I have a friend who can ask him if he's okay with it." It was like the diner all over again; Rainbow Dash just couldn't stop herself from talking. "He pinned me down once, but I got out from under him. We have—we have been just doing oral…"

Spicy lay quiet for a moment. His mind tried to get around what Rainbow Dash was telling him. "Hang on, your friend can ask your dog if he is okay with this? Firstly, if he isn't okay he probably won't screw you. Secondly, your friend can talk to dogs?"

"She—She can." Rainbow Dash tried to get a grip. She pressed another strip down, lining up the edges as best she could. Having to look closely meant she was putting her face less than a foot from Spicy's rear, and rather than smell terrible like she expected, it just smelled, well, spicy. Musky. "She is coming around a bit later to ask Thunderbolt."

"This friend, does she have a pet dog?" Spicy looked around his shoulder in time to see Rainbow nod. "And the dog is male?" He knew the deal, he knew what the answer would be. But to his surprise, Rainbow Dash shook her head. "Huh. Well, I can honestly say you have surprised me."

"You won't tell anyone?" A sudden pit opened up under Rainbow Dash, and she teetered on the edge. If Spicy said he would, she would fall in and never come out.

"What? Why would I? If your dog is okay with it, and you are too, that is just another odd thing on the huge list of odd things people get up to in their bedroom." Spicy winced a little as another strip was pulled free.

Rainbow Dash breathed a sigh of relief. "So where we stand is: we keep doing this until it isn't fun for one of us anymore?" She glanced at the things on the coffee table—they were a small price to pay to keep having fun.

"Yeah. But you have to promise me something." Wiggling his butt, Spicy felt oddly comfortable just talking with Rainbow Dash, just doing normal things like waxing each other's ass.

"Am I going to regret saying 'yes' without hearing what it is?" Spreading the last strip along Spicy's perineum, Rainbow massaged it in place.

"I want to make sure this stuff isn't going to stunt normal, girly Rainbow Dash. I want you to promise me to go shopping with Rarity at least once a fortnight. Don't try to tell me you can't afford it." With fine, sure fingers massaging his glutes and all the way up to just under his balls, Spicy had no hope of not getting hard as a rock. Laying on the couch meant he could hide that, but still, Rainbow Dash was proving to be good at turning him on.

"Huh?" It wasn't what Rainbow Dash had been expecting. "You mean just go shopping with her? I mean, I could do that, I guess."

Spicy looked back over his shoulder. "Promise."

"Alright!" Exasperation colored Rainbow Dash's words. "But you know she is going to expect me to buy stuff, right? Which means I am going to have to wear it."

"So buy more bike shorts. More tight tops." Spicy was mentally redressing Rainbow Dash in the things he described. "And don't think I forgot about the piercing idea. Are you interested in that?"

"My ears?" It didn't take much thinking to come up with an answer. "Sure. I guess it could be fun. Does it hurt much?" As an athlete, Rainbow Dash was no stranger to physical pain, but that didn't mean she wanted to deal with it for something that should be fun.

The thought turned Rainbow Dash's mind back to what had happened late in the night. It hadn't felt like real pain, but just the thought of the plug being stuck in her again actually made her a little aroused.

"Not a lot, at least not after the initial pinch." While Spicy Hot thought about where he would pierce Rainbow Dash, if she would let him, he realized she hadn't said a word in reply. Looking back over his shoulder revealed a very distracted girl, gazing off thoughtfully. "Hey! What's got you thinking?"

"Well, all the naughty stuff we did. You were very physical with me, and I really liked that, but I thought there would be ropes, and whips, and stuff." Turning her head down, Rainbow Dash looked not at Spicy's face, but his (now hairless) ass.

Spicy watched Rainbow checking out his ass, and a warm sense of satisfaction grew within him. "We can try that stuff if you want. Maybe I could chain you up to my bed for a day or two, set you out a food bowl. Spank you if you utter a single word." When Rainbow Dash's throat bobbed, Spicy knew he might have hit on a kink. "Maybe a muzzle if you get a little bitey."

When her wings shot up behind her, Rainbow Dash was startled out of the fantasy Spicy had built in her mind. "M-Maybe just work up to that? I mean, I don't know how you would want me to behave, and we haven't worked out safe words yet…" Excuses, but they had foundations in the lesson on bondage Spicy and Sonata had given.

"You have no idea how happy it makes me that you are actually thinking about safety." Spicy shifted a little on the couch, hiding that he worked his arm down and under him—a little stroke or two wouldn't hurt. "Next time we play, I want you to come up with two words you won't use while we are playing. One word will be your 'hesitation' word, the other will be 'stop'. The play so far has been light, stop means stop and no means no, but if we are going further than this, we need more."

Without realizing it, Rainbow Dash reached a hand down and stroked along Spicy Hot's rear. She ran her fingers over the taut flesh. "You really have a nice ass…" She froze, the words being something she had been thinking but had not intended to say. Self-consciously she pulled her hand back. "I'll come up with some words."

Pulling his hand from his boxers, Spicy thought about trying to hide his arousal and discarded the idea quickly—if Rainbow Dash was going to stick with him for even a little while, she would have to accept him. Tugging his pants up, he got them secured and climbed up from the couch. Of course he had a tent pitched, and he didn't care if she saw it. "I better be going, Sonata was looking after the shop until Rarity came to visit, and I don't want to deprive that woman of anything."

"Who, Rarity, or Sonata?" Rainbow Dash, though she kept up with the conversation, didn't miss that Spicy was hard as a rock. "W-W-Would you…?" She trailed off, unable to finish her question.

"Would I what, Rainbow Dash?" With a raised eyebrow, Spicy stood at an angle that made sure the front of his pants was visible.

Squeezing her eyes closed, Rainbow Dash shook her head. "N-Nothin'!"

"Were you going to ask me if I wanted a blowjob?" Spicy reached out a finger and, with no defense from Rainbow, poked the girl on the nose. "Because the answer is no. You don't get to play with him unless you are dressed properly, and we are in a scene." He waited until Rainbow Dash seemed to sigh in relief. "But if you just wanted a drink…?"

The offer, although Rainbow Dash wasn't sure what the offer was for exactly, made her thirsty. "W-What do you mean?" Her eyes were locked on Spicy's groin now.

Spicy pulled his pants, and boxers, down. Turning, showing Rainbow his shaft, he sat back down on the couch. "Get on your knees." He put command in his tone, the same he used when playing.

Hesitating for a second, Rainbow Dash felt like in a dream. She folded her legs, and kneeled down on the floor between Spicy's legs. Her heart raced in her chest. "I-I can stop any time I want, right?"

"Do you want to stop?" Spicy's tone held no command this time.

Rainbow Dash gulped. "N-No." She had no idea what he was going to do, and that was what really set her groin on fire.

Spicy set his left hand on his shaft, rubbed it a little, tracing the lines of it with his fingers. There was moisture at the tip, Rainbow Dash noticed, and when he drew his fingers up that far, he brought the moisture down and over the length.

Staring, her mouth opening in sympathy and readiness, Rainbow Dash watched as Spicy's hand started slowly stroking his shaft. She started to lean forward, only to have his other hand press against her forehead.

"No. Bad dog. You don't get to touch this." Stroking away, Spicy watched as Rainbow's ears perked as hard forwards as he had ever seen them—all her attention was focused on him. He was in control, he had her at his whim, and he was going to make her ache for everything she wasn't going to get. "Open your mouth, and don't spill anything I give you."

Rainbow's mouth was already open, but she opened it wider. She stared, almost hypnotized as Spicy masturbated. There was a sense of wastefulness about what he was doing; Rainbow Dash suddenly realized she might actually enjoy giving blowjobs, which made this the biggest tease ever. "I want you to enjoy it too, sir."

Spicy changed his pressure holding Rainbow Dash back to a gentle petting of her hair. "I am enjoying this, don't worry." Pumping a little faster, Spicy dug his fingers into Rainbow Dash's hair, and held her at the end of his shaft.

Her eyes widening, Rainbow Dash stared as Spicy's shaft started to bounce. The first spray of his seed into her mouth was a shock. She hadn't been ready at all, but that didn't matter. More ropes of semen pumped forth, and she couldn't stop her moans from leaking free. She wanted to push forward, to engulf him and thank Spicy properly, but his fistful of her hair made it impossible.

"Ugh… Okay, lick me clean." Spicy eased up his grip, and after a few careful, hesitant licks from Rainbow, he was clean. "Rainbow Dash, hey girl, come up for air."

Hearing her name broke the spell Rainbow Dash was under. Her commanded behavior broke and she gulped down the mouthful she still had. Following Spicy as he stood up, she wrapped her arms around him and pulled into a hug he was already offering.

Before Spicy knew it, their lips pressed together and he was given the taste of his own seed. He knew Rainbow hadn't intended it, and it made the act more sweet than dirty. While kissing her, he realized that she was still quite fun, just like this. He broke the kiss. "Where were you when I was experimenting? I still don't like 'girls,' but for some crazy reason you don't turn me off."

"Look, nothing about any of this sexuality stuff has made sense so far, what's it matter?" Rainbow Dash stretched her wings as far as she could, and managed to give Spicy an extra hug with them. "My mom would have a heart attack if she knew I was doing this."

"Your mom lets her daughter stay in her own house without supervision, I think she has a fair idea what you are getting up to." Spicy was a little unsure about the pressure from Rainbow's chest against his own, her breasts felt a lot like another pair of pectorals pressing against him, but he knew they were breasts. Grabbing her rear, he squeezed her tight buns.

"But not this! I mean, she wouldn't think giving a guy a…" Rainbow trailed off, her mind trying to grab the right word. "What did we just do?"

"Well I had fun. What about you?" Spicy turned, pulling Rainbow Dash down to the couch.

Rainbow Dash scoffed. "You had to ask? That was great."

One of Spicy's hands was still firmly planted on Rainbow's rear, and even with her sitting on it he gave a slight squeeze. "I was an idiot before. The whole 'so long as it's fun' thing. The truth is that is all anyone can really do. Don't think you need to perform, or do things you don't like."

"This is more consent stuff, isn't it? You think I'll feel pressured into doing things just so you will want me?" Rainbow Dash wasn't stupid, she had put together Spicy's reaction with what he had taught her the previous night and worked out what was going on. "I,"—Rainbow Dash embraced her magic, and her hair pulled up into a mane, while a tail flowed down from her rear—"am not going to let myself be used." She stood up and spread her slightly larger wings. "But I like what you do to me, and if last night—and today—are any indication, you do too."

Spicy was almost spellbound by Rainbow Dash. He just nodded to her.

"So, let's keep doing stuff that is fun." Holding out a hand to Spicy, she waited for him to take it before pulling him to his feet. "Don't worry about me too much, I can look after myself. I'm a big girl."

It was a fairytale moment. If ever Spicy was going to believe in magic, it would be right now. Reaching out to Rainbow, he pursed his lips for a very traditional kiss, when the doorbell rang.

Rainbow Dash, who had been pursing her lips for a kiss too, started to giggle. "If we ignore the door, and they go away, can we continue?"

"Not now you have laughed. Completely ruined." Spicy, too, was giggling a little. "Go and answer your door while I pull my pants up."

Blushing for all she was worth, Rainbow Dash got to the front door and looked at the security camera. "It's Fluttershy, the friend I was telling you about." Without thinking any further, she pulled the door open. "Hiya Fluttershy. Come on in."

Walking into her friends house was not stressful, Fluttershy had been there before, but when she saw a strange guy in the living room, fastening his belt, Fluttershy froze. "Oh, um… h-hello…" She tried to look away, only leaving her glancing at the curtains pulled over the window. Further realization dawned, and Fluttershy realized this was the guy Rainbow Dash had mentioned.

"Fluttershy, this is Spicy Hot. Spicy, Fluttershy. She's my friend who can talk to animals." Rainbow Dash didn't realize she was still fully ponied up, and as she reached out an arm to hug Fluttershy, she also reached out a wing.

"Hi Fluttershy." Spicy realized what it looked like. He was standing in Rainbow Dash's living room, pulling his pants up, and on the coffee table was a pile of men's accessories. If Fluttershy was quick, she would be putting two and two together and getting "moving-in boyfriend." The only thing that stopped Spicy Hot from making a quick, smooth getaway was that Fluttershy was literally standing between him and the door.

Starting to get the wobbles up, Fluttershy realized she couldn't inch back, and instead opted to shift a little to the side. "I… Um… I'm just here to—to help Rainbow Dash with her homework!" The excuse rushed in, and Fluttershy was grinning just as wide as she could in the fervent hope that Spicy was buying it.

Raising a single eyebrow, Spicy looked to Rainbow Dash—who rolled her eyes a little—then back to Fluttershy. "It's okay. I know why you're here. I am glad that Rainbow has someone who can help her make sure everything is safe and consensual." With Fluttershy's minimal inching to the side, Spicy could almost slip away from the tension-filled situation.

Rainbow Dash, seeing Spicy's play for freedom, shifted to the side while pulling Fluttershy. "You probably need to get back to your shop, can't leave Son—someone working the desk that isn't you!"

"Bye…" Fluttershy barely got the word out before Spicy was out the door.

Spicy got outside, and breathed a sigh of relief. Things had gone "interesting." His proposed little talk about their future had— He froze as he reached his car. For all his protests about not being anything but "friends who do things," the time spent together had been a lot like a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. "I can't even get not-relationships right!"