The sun had just gone down over the horizon, giving way to Luna's beautiful night. From the cabin of her 2011 Lincoln Town Car that she purchased from a dealership in Ponyville, the Princess of the night used her magic to raise the moon as she enjoyed a doughnut and a coffee, taking care not to drop any on her upholstery. Tonight was to be a night like other weekend nights before since Luna signed up to drive with Uber; absolutely perfect.
It's true, it was the perfect gig. While she raised the moon to begin the night, she could simultaneously give safe rides to ponies who had no business flying or driving. While doing her job as a Princess, she was also doing good by making the streets of Canterlot safer and meeting more of her subjects. It was an opportunity too good to pass up. She didn't even care if she made any profit, the fun alone was more than enough.
With her cell phone turned on to the app and propped up by a holder attached one of the air conditioner vents, all she had to do was sit in her car and play the waiting game. She really enjoyed the comfort of her luxurious seat and the sweet aroma of her little Trees (R) bourbon scented air freshener that she had hung on the rear view mirror. It was a nice balance of "have you been drinking tonight" along with just a hint of "step out of the car, sir". With the upholstery freshly shampooed, the paintjob washed and waxed, the gas tank filled, the whitewall tires glossy, and the elegant aluminum rims shined and freed of brake dust, it almost seemed like she would never want to leave her seat. All down to the ice cold air conditioner fighting the heat of the summer night, they were just the simple things but they were all hers and she loved it.
Just when it seemed as if she would just doze off with her back legs propped up the the dashboard, she would soon find herself needed. Her phone began to make the telltale dinging sound that could only mean a rider was in need of assistance and since the night was young, they would most likely be going to a bar rather than from. As quick as a flash, she tapped the screen of her phone to accept the request, shifted the massive land yacht into the drive gear and put the powerful V8 engine to work. This would be her first trip tonight, marking the beginning of this weekend's haul.
The residential side of Canterlot was where she started out as it was early enough in the night so she didn't have far to go to reach her destination. A decal was affixed to the bottom, passenger side corner of the windshield and a photo of her car was sent to the passenger's phone so it couldn't possibly be more easy to identify her as she slowed down and pulled to the curb. Her first passengers of the night were two mares who proceeded to approach the car and reach for the door handle just to have the door opened for them by their driver's aura.
"Welcome aboard, ladies!" Luna beamed as the two mares climbed into the back seat. "Help thyselves to some mints in the cupholders!"
The two passengers certainly did not expect to have the very Princess of the night be their driver as those who use Uber don't typically pay mind to the name of the driver that appears on their phone. Perplexed, they stared over at the very important mare in the driver's seat as she navigated through traffic that crowded the streets. They even forgot to put on their seatbelts they were so stunned as to the identity of their driver, something that the latter planned to remedy.
"Oh come now, surely we can make small talk on the way!" Luna said, trying to encourage conversation. "No need to be shy!"
"Oh! Uh, s-sorry, your majesty." One of the mares, a unicorn stuttered, clearly intimidated by their driver. "We just didn't expect to be picked up by a Princess. Why are you of all ponies driving with Uber?"
"Because it's fun and rewarding and helps me meet down to Earth ponies like yourselves. Need I say more? Oh, watch this!"
While stopped behind a slowpoke at a green stoplight, much to the amazement of her two passengers, Luna used her magic aura to lift the car in front of her before driving right underneath it. Once her Lincoln was cleared of the old Cadillac that hovered above, she no longer needed to hold onto so she withdrew her aura causing the couple in the old car to come crashing back down as she went on her way. Eager drivers who had seen the car lifted up had gotten too eager and after a first car crashed into the back of the Cadillac, a chain reaction ensued.
"Are we there yet?" Asked an oblivious old mare in the Cadillac's passenger seat.
"Eh, I forgot where we were going." Replied her equally as old and oblivious husband.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'll figure that out as soon as I remember why we're out so late."
Luna's passengers clapped their hooves together with delight at their driver's unique way of dealing with frustrating traffic, choosing to ignore that she had just caused a string of collisions. Normally, being in the presence of a Princess would be uncomfortable and ponies would often go out of their way to put effort into behaving what they would consider more "proper". Luna seemed to have been proving that it was entirely not necessary to act any differently than one usually would as she believed in always being true to oneself. There was simply no need for the two mares in the back seat to be shy.
"Hey, Can we take a selfie with you?" One of the mares asked as Luna pulled to the curb to drop them off.
"But of course!" Luna beamed before puckering her lips for a pose as the two mares snapped a picture with her.
"Hey, thanks, Princess Luna!" The second mare beamed as she and her friend hopped out. She then proceeded to open the app on her cell phone and after just a couple of taps, Luna had received yet another five star rating to add to her collection.
"Enjoy your evening, ladies!" Luna beamed as she laid rubber on the road and tore off to her next fare.
The next several passengers behaved much of the same way at first, apprehensive to begin with and quickly warming up to their driver ultimately ending with a fun conversation and a five star rating. A dozen or so rides later, the inevitable slowdown started as most of the night's bar trotters had found their hangout save for a few here and there who wished to head to the next to meet friends or what have them. Luna would find herself pausing for a sip of her coffee or to visit with the rather handsome stallion who runs the doughnut shop in between fares and break up the occasional make out session as to avoid making a mess in her back seat.
"So Joe, I was thinking maybe on Tuesday, we could catch a movie?" Luna said to the doughnut stallion they sat together in the front seat in his parking lot.
"Yeah? Whatcha wanna see?" Joe asked just as Luna's phone began to ding.
"Hold that thought, handsome. I'm needed elsewhere to make Canterlot a safer place. Until next time, dear."
"If ya need any coffee, you know where I'll be."
With a brief squeal of the rear tires of the Lincoln, Luna was off to her next subject in need of a safe ride. Now that a few hours had passed since the night began however, very few of her future fares were likely to be sober. This was tricky at times as ponies tend to forget their manners after enough drinks and know even less when it comes to retaining their last meal. The soft, cloud-like ride Luna's Lincoln provided helped reduce the risk of back seat accidents but should one occur, the smell of vomit took a lot of work to get out of the premium upholstery. The Princess of the night was always came prepared however.
Ginger ale and cold water was always something Luna kept in a cooler in the trunk of her car and made sure to replenish her supply in the cup holders once any were consumed. Along with the stomach soothing beverages, sickness bags were always in her inventory should the worst case scenario occur. So far, as long as Luna had been driving with Uber, she has never allowed a drop of any type of fluid whatsoever to touch her pristine cloth seats nor has she received a rating less than five stars and she did not plan on doing so tonight.
The Ritz-ease was a popular hangout this time of year and as such, there would be plenty of ponies in need of transport for they had no business operating a vehicle in their dulled states. It had nearly become routine, Luna would drop several groups off here, sit through the slow period and start picking ponies up from here and other bars one they had drank their fill. This upcoming ride was expected to be much like the others ans like always, Luna implemented the use of her right signal light, pulled to the curb and stopped for her awaiting passenger.
"Princess Celestia got me drunk! Whoo!" A mare cheered as she staggered towards the car before aimlessly pawing for the door handle.
As to avoid having the mare's hooves leave any scratches on the well polished and pristine glossy black paint job, Luna used her magic aura to open the door for her sloshed customer. Though it was often tricky to deal with ponies in such a state, she felt she could handle it as it was not the first time nor would it be the last. This too had almost become routine as the Princess behind the wheel had developed a system of sorts to ensure prompt, safe, and hassle free drop offs and to maintain her perfect record of ratings. Offer soothing drinks, keep sick bags on standby, drive slow and steady and nod and say things like "yup", "sure", and "uh huh" to feign listening to their drunken babbling. This one should be no exception.
"Come hither, my inebriated comrade!" Luna beamed as the mare stumbled into the back seat. "Help thyself to an ale of ginger and I shall operate this yacht of the land in a manner as to avoid further discomfort!"
"Oh hey, I know you!" The mare slurred as her driver shut the door and gently pressed the gas pedal. "You're that moon pony! I always thought you were hot!"
"Such sweet flattery has earned thee a five star rat-er...hey thanks, I get that a lot."
"Shit, this is awesome! Prin*burp*cess Celestia serves the drinks and I get an Uber ride from her sister! Aw, too bad I'm not gonna remember this! Sucks..."
"Not to worry, dear. Take a selfie with me once I drop you off."
"Dude! Thassa great, uh...thassa great...thing, yeah thassit. *Burrraaappp!*
"Do at least attempt to behave remotely civilized. Any more of that and there may not be a selfie, dear."
"*Gasp* Nooo! Okay, no more. I won't do that no more, Isswear."
Luna knew how to quiet ponies down the best they possibly could after drinking as much as they had and the threat of withholding an honor such as a selfie with a Princess was enough to regain this one her manners. Like any other before, this ride went by without incident and the passenger was rewarded with the picture of herself and her Princess as she was promised. As Luna pulled away after dropping her fare off, she began counting down the seconds as if expecting something to happen while she stared at her phone that sat in a holder before her.
"Five...four...three...two...one..." Luna slowly counted, her phone making the telltale dinging sound as soon as she reached one. "Huzzah! Yet another five stars I receive! Undefeated!"
Luna's cheering was short lived but not on bad terms as her phone immediately indicated the location of yet another drunken pony in need of assistance and once again at the popular establishment she just came from. Without missing a beat, she used her magic to change the traffic light ahead from red to green as to expedite her arrival. She loved being able to do that as it allowed her to fit as many trips into her night as possible and it made her feel like a hero of sorts. It would turn out that her next fare would need much more than just a ride however as she would soon find out.
"Well, this area is rather busy tonight!" Luna commented. "You especially appear to need a soothing ginger ale! Feel free to implement the use of one of my several regurgitation receptacles for I just shampooed the seats!"
"Aww, damn, nice car!" The stallion slurred. "Hey, mind if I take one of these ginger ales for my marefriend? I'm going to her place to right some wrongs."
"And there be plenty more from wherest that originates! Now let us be off!"
Though most of the time she expected the less sober riders to be rather annoying, Luna always made an effort to start the trip on a cheerful and positive note. If they babbled on and on about random nonsense, she felt that it would be polite to at least pretend to be interested in what they had to say and to be fair, some did in fact have interesting things to say.
"Yeah, Imma go and make things right with my marefriend when I get there." The stallion slurred as he sat in the back sipping on a ginger ale. "Oh hey! Can you turn the radio to that love show? I think it's on now and issa perfect thingta listen to tonight! Maybe that host can gimme some advice!"
"Ah, right you are, my friend!" Luna beamed as she switched the radio station to a talk show about love and relationship advice. "My niece does a great job hosting it!"
"So she and I had a nice talk and got a lot of things off our chests..." Said the voice of a regular caller on the radio show. "She and I agreed to remain friends and I couldn't be happier with how things turned out."
"That's great new's, Finzy!" None other than the Princess of love herself beamed in response. "I know things like this can be tough when you have feelings for somepony that aren't mutual but you have a good friend in her. Don't get discouraged, you're a great guy and you will find somepony who sees that, you understand me?"
"Th-thanks Cadence, I just *sniff* I really thought we had something going here and I got so attached, you know? I...you're right. I'm not even thirty yet, I'll meet a girl who I can go out of my way to make happy! Good things come to those who wait, right? Someday I WILL find somepony I can spoil and call my own!"
"That's the spirit!"
"Gahahaha! Loser got friendzoned!" The rude stallion in the back seat blurted out, ultimately sealing his driver's impression of him.
"Humph. Most mares would give all they had to be with somepony who treated them the way the stallion on the radio does." Luna said firmly in clear disagreement in her rider's comment. "And you wonder why your mare left you."
"Oh this is her place right here!"
"Yes, completely ignore me. I wish I could stay and watch the disaster unfold, I even have popcorn to munch on."
"Hey thanks for the ride, hot stuff. Imma 'bout to go get my girl back. Then she'll lemme smash."
"Just get the hell out of my car."
Still completely oblivious to the Princess's ill will towards him, the rude stallion stumbled over the the house where his former girlfriend lived with intentions on winning her back and the likelihood of making a fool of himself. Though it was late at night, the lights were still on indicating that the occupant was still awake. Much to his surprise and potential dismay however, he would find that he had come at possibly the worst time as within the house, there were occupants in a plural sense rather than singular.
"Samanetha, baby!" The dim witted and plastered stallion called out as he staggered through the door and into the house. "I need ya back, sweetheart! Lemme sma-"
"Dammit, Irish Kiss!" The mare of the house retorted as she did not appreciate being interrupted while having tea. Nor did the stallion she was visiting with. "I told you we were done! You hit me so I'm never taking you back!"
"Hey, who's this asshole?" Irish Kiss inquired about the older, gray haired stallion who sat in a chair opposite of Samanetha.
"Look, buddy, for your own sake, choose your next words carefully." The mystery stallion said in a authoritarian sort of tone. "I'm sure you don't wanna get hur-"
Thwack!
Alcohol tends to cloud a pony's judgement and Irish Kiss' actions of laying his hoof across the muzzle of the other stallion proved to be a classic example. Instead of the seated stallion so much as flinching however, the only one to feel any pain was Irish Kiss for he felt as if he had just punched a boulder. As he stood there massaging his now red and swollen hoof, darkness in the form of a shadow quickly overcame the spot where he was standing. Irish Kiss ears folded back and his sobriety was now expedited as he would find that the newly cast shadow was the stallion rising from his seat.
"Irish Kiss?" Samanetha asked with a smirk. "You remember how you went out of your way to avoid meeting my parents? Well...meet my dad."
Having a massive stallion who he learned to be his ex's angry father towering over him was enough to render Irish Kiss stone cold sober and his pupils shrank to pins as she appeared to have no intentions of stopping the inevitable. No sooner than Irish Kiss shifted his glance back up to Samanetha's beefy father did the behemoth of a stallion present a new condition to render him in in the form of a new darkness brought about by firm hoof to the schnoz.
Meanwhile, back with Luna...
"I hope somepony teaches him a lesson." Luna said to herself as she once again drove towards the Ritz-ease to pick up her next fare.
It was getting rather late and things would soon start slowing down again to the point where a driver would do more waiting than anything. As Luna slowed down and pulled to the side of the street towards a mare who appeared to be nervously galloping in place, much to the former's surprise, the later quickly jumped in through the fortunately open window as soon as she was close enough.
"Drive!! Drive!!" The mare frantically screamed.
Insteading of asking why, Luna didn't feel like debating and obliged to the frightened mare's request and stomped the gas pedal down to the floor. Without any hesitation whatsoever, the powerful V8 engine screeched the rear tires against the cobblestone street for a moment and once they regained their grip, the large luxury sedan tore off. Now that the shivering mare was being swiftly driven away from the bar like she wanted, Luna felt compelled to ask what the hurry was.
"So why precisely are you in such a hurry?" Luna asked as she looked at her mortified passenger with her rearview mirror. "I hope you won't make me regret getting you out of ther-"
KABOOM!!
Luna's question was promptly answered for her in the form of a loud blast followed by a thick cloud of smoke billowing from the windows of the bar in her rear view mirror. The building was not engulfed in flames but there were a few flickering embers that added to the light of the street lamps. It was rather alarming at first but after a moment of thought, Luna remembered exactly who the bartender tonight was and dismissed the incident as something that would sort itself out.
"She'll be fine." Luna said calmly and she shifted her focus back onto the road ahead. "She probably got something in her eye, her magic can go haywire when that happens."
After putting some distance between themselves and the now destroyed building and passing by several firetrucks of which wear headed in the opposite direction, the mare in the back seat grew calm as well. She didn't seem to feel much like talking however which was uncommon as most drunken equines can't for the life of themselves shut up. Now that the dust had settled, the night princess glanced back up at the rear view mirror in hopes that her passenger was still alive. What she saw made her wish other wise as the mare in the back was covering her mouth with her hooves as her face turned a pea green.
"Don't even think about it, hon!" Luna ordered as she popped the glove box open for a sick bag. "Here, use this."
The passenger seemed oblivious to the helpful item her driver tossed into the back seat especially for her much to the former's confusion. Instead of putting the bag to use, she simply flailed her hooves about in a panic and fumbled with the window switch in attempt to find somewhere to let it out. It was when her cheeks began to swell that the Princess threw any and all politeness to the wind.
"Hey! The bag! Use it!" An immensely worried and frustrated Luna barked to her oblivious passenger. "If you get so much as a drop of anything on my seat, so help me I'll-"
"Mmmmfff...Bleahhhh!!" The mare groaned as she expelled the contents of her stomach in their entirety all over the back seat of the car.
SCREEEECH!!
With her once before clean seat covered with sick, Luna slammed the brake pedal down so hard that the sheer strength in her anger alone nearly burst the brake hydraulic system. Now that she could take a breather, the queasy mare in the back seat took a few deep breaths but once her eyes met those of her enraged royal driver, she suddenly wasn't so drunk anymore. It was the look of absolute death that the Princess was giving her and it made her blood run cold. It was when the furious night Princess grabbed the shift lever and slammed it into park that the frightened mare knew her very life depended on her next move.
"No! Wait!" The mare pleaded as she dodged a set of hooves reaching for her throat and promptly opened the car door and bolted out. "Please, don't hurt me!"
"Thou hast been warned!!" Luna boomed with her trademark royal Canterlot voice as she gave chase. "Preparest thyself to feel the wrath of your Princess of the night!! Nopony ejects thy partially digested meals within the cabin of my motor car!!"
"Nooohohoho! Have mercy!"
The frightened mare galloped for her life and the enraged Princess was in hot pursuit. The further and faster the two galloped down the streets, the more sober and all the more scared the mare became to the point of bawling as she tried to escape. Her very life flashing before her eyes was the encouragement she needed to gallop impressively swiftly and proved to be a stronger motivation than the anger of the Princess despite the latter's much longer legs. The second the would be victim saw an opportunity to escape her pursuer, she took it and made an abrupt right into an alleyway. Expecting to make the same right and corner her prey, Luna made the same turn to see a series of several more paths, the mare nowhere in sight much to her frustration. She could have been anywhere at this point.
"She got...away." Luna huffed through her clenched teeth before letting out a long sigh, allowing her anger to die down. "Perhaps...scaring the excrement out of her was punishment enough...I'm calling it a night."
As Luna slowly and calmly trotted back to her Lincoln that she had left parked a couple blocks away, she took several deep breaths and thought about her actions moments ago. Perhaps she was too harsh? It's no pleasant task but vomit can be effectively removed from seats both residual and odor. Surely nopony throws up in a car on purpose. Nevertheless, what was done is done and the first thing to do was find the nearest auto supply store for the means to clean up the mess. As she took her seat and prepared to drive off however, her calmness would be short lived for her phone dinged and revealed her latest rating.
"Four stars..." Luna read the text quietly. "You dirty bastaaard!!"