//------------------------------// // A Very GI Joe Christmas // Story: Side Stories of Hasbroverse Earth // by RK_Striker_JK_5 //------------------------------// Cobra Commander leaned back his head and belted out a long, loud laugh. He stood on top of the tallest building in Santa Claus' workshop at the north pole. Below him, the Dreadnoks stood guard over the elves. Destro and the Baroness flanked Missus Claus. HISS tanks rumbled through the snow, while Snow Serpents secured the buildings. Down below, Destro looked up at Cobra Commander. “Are you done laughing, my dear Cobra Commander? You're getting even more obnoxious than usual!” Cobra Commander looked down. “Not quite yet, Destro! I'm having too much fun!” He threw his hands up into the air and cackled for another couple of minutes. The Baroness opened up a basket slung on her arm, pulled out a flaky roll, and held it out up to Missus Claus' face. “Croissant, darling?” Missus Claus eyed her. “You two will be on the naughty list after this!” Destro tossed his own head back and laughed. “My dear, my lineage is famous for being on the naughty list!” Cobra Commander looked down. “Are you three done? I'm about to start gloating, here!” He straightened back up. “As I was about to say, with this workshop, Cobra will have the ability to produce almost-limitless weapons of the highest caliber. We'll overrun GI Joe, the Oktober Guard, and any force that stands in our way! I shall rule the world!” “Not very likely, Cobra Commander!” The terrorist's head shot around. Even with the glossy silver mask, he still managed to express shock as a sleigh flew into view, nine reindeer pulling it. “Santa Claus?” he cried out. Santa stood up, arms crossed and his face as red as his suit. “You'll rue the day you attacked my workshop and threatened my friends and family, Cobra Commander! You won't even get a lump of coal after this!” Cobra Commander shook a fist at the not-so-jolly elf. “You and what army, fat man?” A tarp draped across the back of the sleigh fell back as Conrad 'Duke' Hauser stood up, laser rifle in hand. “This army, snake-face!” He raised his free hand and clenched it. “YO, JOE!” he shouted, as his jetpack ignited and sent him airborne. Cobra Commander had barely any time to react as Duke flew at him, crossing the distance in seconds. “COBRA, ATT–” He was cut off as Duke's fist slammed into his helmet, sending his head whipping back and causing him to lose his balance. As Cobra Commander tumbled off the tower to the snow below, the entire area around the workshop erupted into chaos as GI Joe attacked. Snow Cats appeared out of nowhere, firing off their ski-missiles, while Joes on foot advanced. Buzzer, sitting on his motorcycle, raised his chainsaw and revved it. He glanced around as he and most of the other Dreadnoks were surrounded. “Who had the brilliant idea of giving the rest of Cobra vacations?” he shouted. A large shadow looming over him caught his attention. He swung his head around. “Who wants–” His rant was cut off by shock and fear. “Oh, bollocks...” Roadblock reached out, grabbed the motorcycle's frame, and lifted it and Buzzer up. “You snakes have gone too far!” he shouted as he leaned back and heaved the motorcycle and its occupant away. Torch and Ripper readied their weapons, but the elves, emboldened by their rescuer, rushed the Dreadnoks, snowballs in hand. They pelted the pair and drove them back. “Oi, Zartan!” Torch shouted as he covered his head with his arms, “we're getting bloomin' murdered out here!” Across the field, Zartan and his brother Zandar were also getting hit with snowballs. “We're a little busy!” Zartan shouted. He raised a laser pistol, but a flurry of rock-hard snowballs knocked it out of his hand. “Ouch!” Zandar hunkered down slightly. “Hey, anyone seen Zarana?” Mainframe hunkered down near the back of one of the storage sheds. He had been sent back to flush out any members of Cobra who might be holed up in the back. His eyes narrowed as he approached an entrance. “Psst!” Mainframe's head shot up. He glanced in the direction of the sound. A slight groan came from him as he spotted the source. “Zarana,” he said, straightening up and slinging his rifle over his shoulder. Zarana stood there, bundled up a bit compared to her usual attire. She walked over to Mainframe, raised her right hand, and lightly tapped him on the chest. “Take that!” Mainframe glanced down where she hit him. He lightly slapped her right arm. “Well, you take that!” Zarana glanced up at the shed Mainframe was sneaking around. She pointed up at an awning. “Isn't that mistletoe?” she asked, her boot tracing a line in the snow. There was a pause as Mainframe followed her gaze. “I think you're right.” He rubbed his chin. “Hmm, now what are we supposed to do now that we've exchanged blows?” Zarana wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in close. “Kiss and make up?” Mainframe returned the embrace, his own arms snaking around her midsection. “I like the way you think.” Storm Shadow slammed the hilt of his sword into the gut of a Snow Serpent, sending the soldier to the ground. “I'm just saying, I've seen it before. Remember the pet rock?” Next to him, Snake Eyes pinched the neck of a viper. He glanced over to his Sword-Brother, and his shoulders made the slightest of movements. Storm Shadow hung his head. “Oh, damn, right. I forgot your sister had one. Sorry about that. But still, we've all seen fads come and go. Right, Shana?” Nearby, Shana 'Scarlett' O'Hara kicked a viper in the gut, then backhanded another one trying to surprise her from behind. “Definitely, Tommy. Still, I think those Cabbage Patch dolls have legs to them.” She paused and looked around. “Hey, is it just me, or are we running out of people to punch?” Snake Eyes' head tilted up. Scarlett rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes. It's not a bad thing.” All around the workshop, Cobra soldiers were knocked out, tied up, or they surrendered en masse. The Dreadnoks and their motorcycles had been piled up near a snowbank, elves guarding them. Cobra Commander stood near an overturned HISS tank, laser pistol firing indiscriminately. “Stand and fight!” he shouted. “Destro, Baroness...” He paused and looked around. “Wait, where did–” A loud whoosh from above caught his attention. He looked up and spotted the pair flying off in trouble bubbles. “We'll see you back at Cobra Island!” Destro yelled. The Baroness waved to him. “We'll even save you some hot chocolate, darling!” Cobra Commander stood there, staring up at the two as they flew off into the distance. He raised his left hand and waved it in the air. “COWARDS! COME BACK HERE AND–” Missus Claus rushed him, rolling pin in hand. She swung it at his head, knocking his helmet askew. “You brute, you brute!” she yelled. Cobra Commander stumbled back. He clumsily threw off the long winter coat he was wearing, revealing his own jetpack. “I will have my revenge!” he shouted as he ignited it, sending him skyward. Missus Claus shook a fist at him as he escaped. “And stay out!” Santa Claus landed his sleigh, hopped out, and ran to his wife. “I'm so glad you're all right!” He let go with one arm and swept it out as the elves gathered around the pair. “I'm so glad you're all all right!” Duke walked over. “How's the workshop, Mister Claus?” Santa turned his head and sighed. “Well, they didn't cause much in the way of damage overall, but the real problem is how much this delayed our work!” He broke from Missus Claus' embrace and held his arms out, taking in all the buildings around. “It's Christmas Eve, the busiest day of the year for us! Every second is vital!” One elf ran up to Santa. “We'll work twice as hard, Santa! No breaks, no rest, until every toy is ready and aboard your sleigh!” The rest of the elves let out cheers. Even the reindeer stomped their hooves and shook their antlers in support. Duke walked over to the rest of the Joes. “Listen up, team. Santa Claus needs out help. Now, I won't order anyone to. Those who want to can head back to the transport planes, no questions, asked. But–” Roadblock spoke up. “No need to ask, Duke. I may be wearing Army Green, but I'm no grinch! And I bet no one else here is, either. Right?” Every one there shouted, “Right! YO JOE!” Santa's eyes watered. “It's a Christmas miracle!” He slapped his gloved hands together. “All right, everyone! Ringle, get an inventory of what we need finished. Dingle, Zingle get everyone organized. Tingle, help me get the sleigh ready. And finally, Wingle, get in the kitchen and start making coffee and some hot meals. We're going to be going full-throttle here!” He looked to Duke. “Mister Hauser, may I?” Duke bowed his head. “Of course, Santa.” A large grin crossed the jolly old elf's mouth. He thrust both fists into the air and shouted at the top of his lungs, “YO JOE!” Duke smiled as the Joes rushed forth, splitting up. It fell away slightly as he scanned each face and did a quick head count. “Anyone seen Mainframe? Zarana ran towards a tarp-covered trouble bubble. Her hair and clothes were a bit more disheveled than before. She adjusted her winter jacket as she turned and waved at an equally-disheveled Mainframe. “I'll see you in Budapest, say about a week!” Mainframe waved at her with one hand, while the other wiped a handkerchief across his cheeks and lips to get the bright-purple lipstick off. So far, he was having limited success... Megan waved her half-empty mug about. “And that... was how GI Joe saved Christmas.” Silence permeated the main dining hall of Canterlot Castle. Danielle slowly leaned in close to Mike. “Dad, isn't that the plot to that old 'A very GI Joe Christmas' holiday special?” Mike slowly nodded. “It is, honey. Just... nod along.” Twilight's horn glowed. She floated Megan's mug over to her muzzle and sniffed at it. She arched an eyebrow. “But... it's non-alcoholic!”