Norrath, Earth, Equestria. A Construct's Journey

by Nimnul


Shaped By The Past

Bon Bon liked to take a stroll across the market place before opening up her own store. Even when it wasn't actually a market day, it was a useful bit of artifice. She didn't want to seem too reclusive, exchanging greetings with whoever else was just on the way to starting the day's business worked to that effect. They could be very useful, but Bon Bon wasn't overly fond of crowds, by the time Ponyville was truly awake, she'd be just fine behind her counter.

Although she'd gotten into the habit of asking Lyra to do their shopping whenever possible, market days were something of a social linchpin for the community, and as such, the benefits of being seen out and about outweighed the hassle of having to interact with ponies outside of her comfy role as shopkeeper.

Younger ponies didn't insist on small talk, usually. And they were pretty easy to lie to, so it wasn't like difficult topics were hard to avoid.

Golden Harvest was a safe one to talk to. The mare wasn't much of a morning pony, and Bon Bon had absolutely no problem with monosyllabic exchanges which were solely aimed at exchanging bits for carrots.

"Morning, Tops."

"Bon." The other pony nodded. Carrots were exchanged for bits with hardly a word.

Bon Bon had it on good authority that Golden Harvest was a pretty pleasant pony to be around in general, although most of those observations probably took place later in the day. She reached into her saddlebags to produce a small bag of candies, placing them on the counter of the market stall.

"Here, try these. Coffee flavored."

Golden Harvest responded with a tired half-grin. "First one's free, huh?"

"Heh. Have a good one."

"Same to you. Say Hi to Lyra."

"Hmm." Bon Bon turned away with a nod.

Privately she wondered whether Golden Harvest really needed to put up her stall so early. Maybe she'd heard Applejack bang on about earth pony work ethic one time too many.

Applejack was a different story altogether. Bon Bon found the other pony's manner annoying. For this, she blamed herself and tried not to show it. Worse yet, the whole honesty gimmick had always left Bon Bon feeling vaguely guilty, which eventually transformed into resentment. Even coming clean to Lyra about her past hadn't really changed that.

It was also pretty easy to get Applejack to go on and on about the importance of family, which Bon Bon found tedious for similar reasons.

"Morning, Applejack."

"Back atcha, Bon Bon."

Bon Bon scrutinized the apples closely. "Hm. They never had Sunrise this early in summer back home." Getting Applejack to talk about her orchard was the best way to get through the interaction with only minor annoyance.

"S'jes a question of motivating the trees properly."

It took Bon Bon a few moments to notice that the other mare had been curt in her response. Bon Bon looked up to meet Applejack's eyes and raised an eyebrow.

"You're not going to find any bruises to haggle over t'day," Applejack stated with conviction.

Using her pride against her was a perfectly legitimate bargaining tool. Bon Bon shook her head. "I'm looking for the best ones. Making taffy apples tonight."

"Oh? Special occasion?"

Well, that wasn't really any of Applejack's bloody business. Bon Bon gamely put on a smile. "Lyra likes them, I like seeing her happy." She absentmindedly petted her dog.

Applejack nodded. "Well, hope you both enjoy. How's the family?"

Not Bon Bon's favorite topic. She maintained her pleasant expression and shrugged. "Just fine. Sent a letter just last week."

"When was the last time ya'll went to see your folks?" Applejack was trying to sound natural, but she was terrible at dishonesty, a pony had to be more cunning than that to sneak anything by Bon Bon.

The additional prying annoyed her. "Dunno. A few years?" 'C'mon, do it, AJ, you know you want to.' Bon Bon kept smiling.

Swampy, who'd been been especially well behaved so far, began to whine quietly.

"Ah don't know," Applejack drawled, looking away. "Seems to me like a pony ought to make more of an effort to stay in touch. Never know what might happen 'til it's too late, Ah reckon."

'Bingo.' Of course she was going to allude to her own absent parents to guilt Bon Bon about family. Why was Applejack even interested? Twilight had probably at some point complained what a surly cuss Bon Bon was and now she wasn't a generic neighbor anymore. Every pleasant exchange with Applejack Bon Bon had forced herself through over the years probably looked like dishonestly now.

At least the understanding she had with Pinkie Pie hadn't changed after the party pony made friends with Twilight.

Playing the 'never know what's gonna happen' card was especially rich coming from a pony who repeatedly had to stick her neck out. But then, Bon Bon had a pretty decent idea what'd happen to Sweet Apple Acres in case Applejack's luck ran out. Big Mac wasn't thick, but he wasn't a salespony by any stretch. Granny Smith wasn't getting any younger.

At least Bon Bon had had a job, something a pony could quit or retire from. Applejack was one of Celestia's new favorite troubleshooters because ... destiny? Could Applejack quit, or would she just continue getting into trouble until her younger sister suddenly had to grow up to fill an AJ-shaped hole or risk losing the orchard?

Without so much as noticing the transition, she found herself suddenly livid. No, she didn't want to hear anything about family, or what might happen to them, from Applejack of all ponies. Bon Bon looked down to hide her scowl. She felt damned stupid for not asking Lyra to go buy some apples later.

Fine. Applejack's parents were gone and maybe she didn't like seeing ponies who still had parents fail to appreciate them, or something. Bon Bon didn't owe her folks anything, and she was exactly as close to them as she was comfortable being. Making herself feel obligated to do more would just pour sand on what affection she did have for them. But the Apples did owe Apple Bloom a decent upbringing, and Bon Bon wanted to shake the stupid mare and demand to know what she thought her kid sister would feel if she lost even more of her family. Obviously she couldn't tell her to stop being an element bearer or whatever they called themselves, but at the same time the oblivious numbskull could at least not play the damn 'never know what might happen' card. Probably assumed that heroes never died or something.

Bon Bon knew better. At least she acknowledged her own good fortune in staying alive.

She took a breath to give Applejack a piece of her mind when Swampy licked her roughly across the face. "Yech." She shook her head, finding herself trembling. The unpleasant sensation at least gave her pause and helped her to pull herself together. She hated feeling so volatile. Made her feel helpless, but that was easy to hide.

"You okay there, partner?" Applejack gave her an odd look.

"Just spaced out," Bon Bon lied easily. Being the Element of Honestly mostly seemed to make Applejack bad at being dishonest herself. Oh sure, she probably fancied herself as being able to get a good read on ponies, but she'd never seen through Bon Bon's facade before, anyway. She dug a treat out of her saddlebags and tossed it to Swampy to buy a few extra seconds to calm down. No point in getting loud with Applejack, that'd just get the whole swarm of concerned neighbors to descend on her. "Good dog." She sniffed. "You ever been away from home for long?"

"Ah've been to Manehatten when I was jes' a filly, didn't much care for it in the end," Applejack explained.

"Uh-huh." Bon Bon could function in big cities, but didn't prefer it. Wasn't the first time Applejack had rolled out the Manehatten anecdote to underline the importance of a pony's roots or some such, she recalled now. She ought to get a coffee and wake up all the way. "I left home as a young mare. Stayed away for a few years, stayed in touch by mail."

"Go on?"

Bon Bon shrugged. "Ponies change, Applejack. Your family will hardly notice because they're watching it happen gradually. You've been their Applejack every step of the way. My folks want the young mare back who set out years ago, and that's not how it works." She started counting out bits. "During short visits or by mail, they can paint whatever picture of me they like, which means they can keep treating me like their daughter. They're very happy I'm successful. In love and business." She offered a crooked smile.

"That don't sit right with me, I reckon."

"Fair, but that's your problem, not mine. I'd like to be on my way now, please." Bon Bon smiled and motioned towards the apples she'd wanted to purchase and the stack of bits she'd constructed. "Have a pleasant day." There was no need to be too curt, but she had no intention of talking further.


Ponvyville was just about done waking up. Some stores wouldn't open for another hour or two, but Sugarcube Corner was always there for anypony who rose early.

Pinkie Pie was stationed behind the counter. Bon Bon sometimes found herself thinking that the energetic earth pony didn't need sleep. If she slept at all, it was only to convince others that she was a normal pony doing normal pony things and not some meat-based perpetual motion engine disguised as a common equine.

Lyra was probably rubbing off on her, Bon Bon thought, not for the first time. The notion brightened her morning, made it easier to give Pinkie Pie the smile she deserved anyway.

"Morning! Your usual? Right? Tell me you want the usual!" Pinkie sounded chipper as always.

"Yeah. Coffee, black, no sugar." She'd be having plenty of sugar making sure her creations tasted right. "Better be strong." She assumed there had been basically no need to say anything beyond 'yes'. She'd ordered the same thing more times than she could count.

"Yay! I guessed right! Sure thing!" Pinkie busied herself, humming tunelessly.

Bon Bon liked Pinkie. She'd always found it easy, at times tempting, to look down on some other ponies as annoying chatterboxes. Pinkie could certainly talk more than most, and Bon Bon hadn't been in the best of places on their first meeting, but it was somehow easy to believe that Pinkie actually cared. It was odd how she was capable of being fond of the other earth pony even while Pinkie's usual behavior got on her nerves.

"Thanks, Pinkie." One had to engage in a bit of give and take with Pinkie Pie. So Bon Bon came around for a morning coffee with reasonable frequency, which seemed to please the mare.

Pinkie cared. Sure, you could quiz any random pony and they'd of course say that if it was all the same, they'd prefer their fellow ponies to be well. Pinkie took that sort of thing more personally, which made it important to be honest and forthright with her.

As bits changed hoofs, Pinkie seemed to restrain her manic energy momentarily. "How're you feeling today?"

You could get just about any other pony off your back with a well-practiced smile and a 'Fine.' But nopony had informed Pinkie that you weren't actually supposed to be interested in the answer to the age-old ritual of 'How you doing?' 'Fine'.

"It's a beautiful morning. Fixing to be a good day." She gestured towards her dog. "Swampy woke me up once, but I don't remember what I was dreaming about. Maybe he caught me before it got real bad. Went back to sleep. When I woke up for real I listened to Lyra's adorable little snores for a few minutes before getting out of bed." Bon Bon cracked a grin. "It's cute now, but whenever she's got a cold her snoring's fit to wake the dead."

Pinkie giggled. "You two are cute together. Enjoy your coffee!"

Bon Bon nodded and settled into a spot with good visibility. If a pony wanted to be treated a specific way by Pinkie, they had to be honest about it, and persistent. Maybe it wasn't one of Pinkie's better qualities, but she wasn't one to back down easily from her preferred approach to other ponies, and rarely just because she was told to.

Pinkie Pie accepted that Bon Bon wasn't an acceptable target for surprise parties and that she might leave early from parties she did attend. Because Bon Bon had been unusually candid about some of her troubles, Pinkie didn't take it as some kind of slight against her efforts. At the same time, Bon Bon made sure to at least see Pinkie every so often, just to signal that, really, most days were pretty good.

Bon Bon suspected that even Pinkie Pie knew the value of putting on a smiling front on bad days. Being cheerful all of the time had to be an act of will in some ways. Maybe that made it worth more to the pink pony when Bon Bon was willing to elaborate a bit when Pinkie asked how she was doing.

She produced a treat from her saddlebags and hoofed it to her dog. Despite his respectable size, Swampy was well-trained to be a quiet companion. "Good dog," she muttered before blowing gently onto her cup of coffee. Swampy munched and wagged his tail.

Bon Bon idly wondered if perhaps Fluttershy had taken Pinkie aside and explained to her friend that you were generally supposed to keep your hooves off service dogs.

With some surprise, she noticed Berry Punch pulling up a cart in front of the establishment. Berry didn't keep very regular working hours, even so, it was especially odd to see her this early. Of course Pinchy was old enough to make some breakfast and head to school by herself. Berry herself looked like she'd just rolled out of bed, although looking a little disheveled now and then probably didn't hurt her business much. Such a thing was a hook for the mind to catch on and remember a pony, and Bon Bon wouldn't be caught out looking like that.

Berry unhooked herself from the cart and entered. "Morning Pinkie! I got that load of blackcurrant purée the Cakes were asking for."

"Woohoo! I'll let them know and start unloading."

"Right on. I'll have a coffee once you're done." Wasn't immediately obvious whether Pinkie had heard the response, but then, she had her ways. Berry grinned at Bon Bon and made her way over to settle down next to her.

Blackcurrant was an interesting flavor to work with. The strong, tart flavor of the fruit itself wasn't to everypony's taste, best to moderate it by including something ponies knew they liked. "You cutting me off?"

Berry had a couple sad little shrubs around her back yard. She'd usually claim not to be notably talented when it came to tending to the plants which bore the fruits composing her cutie mark. Or any plants. The fruits were the raw materials she worked with, not the end product of her labors. Lyra appreciated the flavor as well, so Berry usually shared what little bounty there was to be had in her garden.

"Hm? Oh, nah. That's not my backyard crop. I know a guy who knows a guy who got me a shipment what didn't look real pretty anymore. Still good, though!" Berry shook her head. "Didn't really have anything solid lined up to do with them, but the purée's nice for sweet dishes, and I got Roy over at the Copperhead interested in a couple of bottles of squash. He's always asking to buy the leaves when I prune my own shrubs anyway."

"Hm." Bon Bon took a sip of her coffee. "What's he do that for?" Little more than a year ago, Berry would surely just have used the blackcurrants in creating something alcoholic. Her business model had lost a lot of structure once she'd stopped making and selling alcoholic beverages. Bon Bon didn't think she'd have been very happy with that herself, but Berry seemed just fine, muddling along and finding just about everything else one could do with fruit. Juice, mainly, but she'd also dabbled in tea blends, as well as preserves.

Berry Punch wasn't the sort of pony who struck others as any kind of intellectual giant, but the mare had a bit of shrewdness about her when it came to business, although she'd almost never use terms like marketing, or finance, or customer relationships, like Filthy Rich might. Maybe she'd gathered relevant experience in her youth. The sort of business conducted on city streets in the poorest parts of town might not be fit to grace a résumé, of course.

"Well, you can toss the leaves into vodka. Let it sit long enough, turns a weird color and tastes pretty nice. Guess he's got some oldtimers who're into that." Berry chuckled. "As for the squash? Why wouldn't he want some of that? Y'never have a lager'n black? You're missing out. Snakebite'n black if you add cider too. Great stuff."

"Hm. Never been much of a social drinker before Ponyville." Bon Bon wasn't that well-versed with that sort of thing, but she wasn't surprised that Berry was, of course.

"Terrible topic anyway." Berry grimaced. "I miss drinkin' some of that stuff, not gonna lie about it."

"Probably normal." Bon Bon shrugged. She wasn't any good at the topic. "So what's got you up and about so early?"

"Woke a bit early, feelin' miserable. Might have been a nightmare, don't recall. Decided to get out of bed and busy myself."

Bon Bon merely gave her friend a questioning look, eyebrow raised.

"I know, right? I hardly ever get bad dreams. Or anyway they don't wake me up feeling bummed out." Berry motioned towards the door. "Figured I might as well do this delivery and get some coffee."

"Good plan."

Not long after, Pinkie Pie returned with another cup of coffee and a bag of bits. "Here's your coffee and your pay from the Cakes, Berry!"

"Thanks, Pinkie."

It seemed that Berry just assumed she'd been paid in full, and that Pinkie knew how she liked her coffee, as she didn't count the bits, nor asked about the beverage.

As Pinkie went back to the counter to serve the slow trickle of Ponyville's early birds, Berry gave Bon Bon a curious look. "Y'ever worry you'll lose your temper and hit somepony?"

"No." Maybe the answer was a little more terse than necessary, but Bon Bon's experiences with that manner of question hadn't been good. Just because she had a temper on her these days didn't mean she wasn't in control of her actions.

Berry stared into her coffee. "S'pose you were raised right."

"Suppose so," Bon Bon nodded. If pressed, she might have said that the two of them were the worst two ponies to try and talk about issues of substance to each other. They'd done very well for years with nothing but implicit acceptance of each other's difficulties.

Well, Berry hadn't done all that well, Bon Bon admitted to herself with a frown. "What's this about, then?"

"I guess I get that a lot," Berry explained. "Filthy Rich was on my case the other day on account of my family still making him go through me to buy their wine. That's charity on my behalf and I guess he figures as much and isn't happy about it."

"Uh-huh." Bon Bon recalled that Berry had family up near Vanhoover, on a vineyard. She didn't know enough about wine to have been aware that Barnyard Bargains stocked products of Berry's extended family. Nice to hear the family was looking out for one of their own, she supposed. Still, it was distance enough that having a regional contact on the payroll didn't have to be wholly an act of charity.

"So I'm listening to him yammer about cutting out the middlemare and I'm just dreamin' about making him swallow his teeth. I got a filly to look after, too, and I don't have the funds to make my butler do it." Berry ground her teeth.

Bon Bon looked at her apparently upset friend. "Thought he was the sensible one in that family."

"Eh, it's just business, he doesn't mean anything personal by it." Berry waved the thought away. "Suppose it's silly to worry. Last time I lost my temper while sober was just after Pinchy was born."

Berry was quick to claim that bar fights didn't count. To be fair, as far as anypony knew, she hadn't ever gotten in serious trouble for that. Bon Bon assumed the changeling incident didn't count either, because they'd been following a plan. "Do I wanna know?"

"Gonna listen to it anyway?" The 'no' was implied.

"Stupid question." Bon Bon took a gulp of her coffee. "Go on, then."

Berry Punch leaned a little closer to Bon Bon and lowered her voice a little. "Y'know I grew up in Las Pegasus, right? Well, when I got pregnant, I went and spent the last few weeks on the family vineyard. Had Pinchy there. Only really went back to tell mom I was leaving for good. She hates the family, an' we had a screamin' row about it."

Bon Bon merely nodded, although she had some difficulty imagining Berry getting loud and angry. When sober, the other pony seemed to try her hoof at being quietly menacing when angry. Bon Bon found the results mixed at best, but she didn't scare easy. Not by ponies, anyway. When drunk, Berry had generally just gone for landing the first hit when upset. There was never really much screaming. Mostly scowling. Some threats, for which Berry didn't normally raise her voice.

"Well, words were said an' then mom popped me one right in the mouth!" Berry scowled. "Split my lip, too."

"So what, you hit her back?" Maybe Bon Bon's relationship with her family only rated three out of five on the Apple family appreciation scale, but she still couldn't imagine her own mother striking her.

The other mare shrugged. "I'd spent my youth getting into fights and makin' sure the other guy regrets coming at me, win or lose. My mother's just a homebody with a mean streak, never had to fight to stay standing. Smashed her face into the floor a couple times, which shut her up. Probably more from surprise. She was used to getting to tear into me without me doin' much about it. She was my mother!" Berry sighed. "I'm not sorry, but my dad ... her coltfriend anyhow, he was standing right there, holding Pinchy. That kinda hurt, 'cause ... 'cause that's been my mother's angle during that argument, and ever since. That'd I'd raise her into a thug. Some kinda bad pony anyhow. And I wasn't bein' a real good example."

Berry looked out the window. "I realize that just actin' the part of a good pony is good enough since most of us ain't mind readers, but I still hear my mother's voice remindin' me what a bloody stupid goon I am."

Bon Bon pursed her lips. Clearly, her friend wasn't having a wholly positive start into her day. "Berry, I need you to listen to me."

"A'ight."

"I don't like it when you call yourself stupid, or dumb."

"Ah c'mon, I didn't even finish school, Bon. Only time I didn't skip class constantly was in juvie when there were no choice."

She hadn't had enough coffee for this stuff, Bon Bon decided with a sigh. "Don't interrupt, please. I wish me and Lyra hadn't been so occupied with my nonsense, we might have managed to talk sense into you about your drinking earlier." She shook her head. "No, seriously, don't interrupt. I'm uncomfortable enough as is. You got my respect, I'm proud to call you my friend. I need you to know this hard - if ever you're feeling in trouble, it doesn't matter what, I'll have your back."

"Kinda figured that out already when we took down those changelings last year, Bon." Berry smiled at the memory. Bon Bon didn't think back to the situation very fondly at all, but Berry had regarded the operation as an unqualified success. She hadn't been uncomfortable with the violence and its results. Bon Bon could tell that Berry had grit, but she worried that her friend thought that it was all she had.

"You're not getting me, Berry," she explained quietly. "When I say 'no matter what', I'm saying, no matter how trivial you think it is, 'cause you'll probably be wrong. Maybe you're feelin' down, or worrying about the future, feel like you need a drink, any sort of little thing, you can bring that to me. Maybe I'm not that great at bein' welcoming. But I'll never make you feel like you're wasting my time. I don't want you to try and be hard jus' cause you're convinced all you're good for is bein' a meathead. You're my ... my friend and I want you to be well. Being tough in a fight is cool, and I admit it makes me feel good to know that you are. But you don't gotta play tough with your head or heart."

It had been hard to learn for Bon Bon to just talk to Lyra even about minor things. Even now she kept having to fight that notion that actually making friends and being emotionally available was too risky. She didn't expect Berry to take her up on it, and suspected that Ditzy had previously told her something similar, but perhaps it would help to hear it from another pony.

"What brought this on?" Berry gave her a searching look, seeming thoughtful.

"I've gotten pretty good at pretending everything's just fine, Berry. That's a valuable skill, and no mistake. You've been a real trooper this past year, and it's done wonders for Pinchy, too. But maybe I don't buy that a pony just gets fixed that easy." And maybe Pinkie had tipped her off about one of her weird twitches. Bon Bon snorted. "Maybe I'm being selfish," she continued quietly. "Little harder to make new friends, these days, I'd rather see the ones I have do alright. Please be good to yourself." A cheap shot, maybe, but she really was hoping Berry would talk to someone, if only to get into the habit.

"Hm." Berry took a deep breath. "Y'like that I'm good in a fight?"

"Well, good is kind of a fuzzy term, in a way." Bon Bon smirked. "I'm comfortable with your attitude in that specific area."

"That's fair," Berry smiled briefly before falling quiet. She slowly spun her cup of coffee, fidgeting slightly, as though she was working herself up to something.

Finally, she shook her head. "So, how about right now? Talkin', I mean."

"Sure," Bon Bon allowed, hiding her surprise. She hadn't considered herself to be the most likely candidate Berry might open up to. "Y'wanna take it to our place? Lyra probably won't wake up yet, but I ought to get some sweets cooking and open the shop."

"Works for me," Berry agreed before taking a sip of coffee.

"Maybe you can take it as practice for when you're gonna talk to Pinchy about whatever it is?"

"I can't just dump that stuff on her, Bons. I'm the grown-up in the family, I gotta act like it."

Bon Bon felt herself glowering. "Don't be dense. The kid needs context. I'll bet she's been frustrated or upset with you plenty of times, but didn't wanna admit it. Don't just move on, make sure she knows that feelin' like that isn't a mistake she's making. It's natural."

Berry scowled into her coffee, saying nothing. Eventually, she shook her head, grabbed the cup with both hooves and drained it. It'd barely stopped steaming, at that. The mare's pain tolerance had to be something to behold. "Well, you about ready to go?"

"In a minute." She wasn't so keen on scalding herself on coffee, but she did pick up the pace.


They hadn't really talked on the way to Bon Bon's store. Maybe Berry was still mulling over whether to talk to her daughter. Maybe she had regretted pounding down a cup of hot coffee. Once there, Bon Bon had started getting the store ready. Starting candy preparation and refilling displays were tasks she could perform in her sleep, so it wasn't as though a conversation with a friend would slow her down.

Berry sat behind the counter as Bon Bon refilled some more jars of candy. She heaved a sigh. "My mother ... she was, uh, abusive. Verbally, I mean."

Not what Bon Bon would have guessed before today. Lack of self-worth could come from any number of directions. Kids were easy to put together wrong, she gathered. "Just verbally?"

Apparently the wrong thing to say. Berry sort of sagged and couldn't meet Bon Bon's eyes. "I mean ... yeah. I got hit sometimes when I was little. But some ponies raise their kids that way. I dunno ... can't say for sure if she crossed any lines there. Just always made me feel worthless. Never liked being home." She shifted awkwardly. "I-I guess other ponies had it worse."

Bon Bon felt rather unsuited to the situation, but she'd once been very good at remaining calm under pressure. Rookies would generally keep it together in a crisis so long as somepony else on the team seemed to feel in control of the situation. "Don't even start with that. Telling yourself that other folk got it worse never actually makes you feel better, it just makes the world seem even worse than it is." She was no stranger to thinking that she'd gotten off lightly and really should be doing better than she was. She was still alive.

Still, she got the feeling she shouldn't leave it at that. "If anything, I got ... I got a way better deal than you did." That hadn't been easy to say. Bon Bon hadn't been in the business for fame and fortune, but she'd never totally understood the demands for deniability, and having Celestia's latest favorites all live in this town had sometimes felt like a cruel joke. A mare could get to feeling like she and her late comrades hadn't done good enough to deserve acknowledgement. Being told that Celestia regretted how that had gone down didn't erase those resentments immediately.

"How do you figure?"

"Ponies change, Berry, but they usually don't change quick ... and once they're grown there's always gonna be that core piece that stays the same. Going against that is ... well, it's something you gotta want." Bon Bon rubbed her forehead. "Yeah, I'm not as easy to get along with as I used to be, but when it comes down to the big stuff, like morals or whatever, that's still me. Maybe buried under some baggage, but still." She jabbed a hoof in Berry's direction. "Kids, though? They're basically still making themselves up as they go along, and grown-ups are meant to help with that. And ... and if your mother didn't do right by you, that'll hurt you on a way more important level. I got hurt, and that's life, but you basically got your issues prepackaged."

Bon Bon scowled. "And I couldn't possibly say what's easier or harder to get a grip on, I just know that ... well, I'm more offended by what you had to put up with. I could have quit any time. But a little filly is gonna suspect that whatever's wrong is her fault."

Berry seemed to have rallied, rolling her eyes with a grin. "Aw, c'mon Bons, now you're laying it on pretty thick."

Her own scowl intensified. "Is that how you'd act if somepony was systematically sabotaging Pinchy's self-worth? Or Dinky's? And I don't mean some brat, somepony they ought to be able to trust."

Any mirth Berry had been affecting died. Her nostrils flared. "I'd want to smash their legs to splinters."

"Fair enough. But it's not so crazy that I'd feel for the filly version of you, is it?" In hindsight, it probably had been a mistake to bring up her own difficulties. If a pony had that sort of inner voice that told them they weren't as important as other folks, it'd latch onto that sort of thing in a heartbeat. It would do no good for Berry to think that whatever was going on in her own head wasn't as impactful, or in any case shouldn't be. On that note, Berry had probably been unkindly comparing her problems to Landshark's larger than life backstory of rage against the gods. Comparing the roots of problems like that was probably detrimental, but it was tempting once a pony was in the habit of thinking they deserved less than others.

As if to prove her right, Berry glowered dubiously. "That was a long time ago."

"Yeah, but you told me about it today. I'm feelin' it now. That's an awful way to raise a kid. Your mother screwed up." Bon Bon shook her head. "You can't beat this thing without looking at it, Berry. Imagine you're talkin' to that little filly in your head and tell her how what she went through was terrible, and it's alright to be upset about it."

It sounded so damned trite, but Bon Bon was struggling to make useful connections to what she, or rather Lyra, had taught herself about the ways ponies worked. "You're not in a spot where ... where feelin' this stuff is useless or gets in the way. Y'don't have to ... wad it all up into this ball of anger. It's healthier to untangle it."

It took a long time for Berry to respond as she looked at everything in the room but Bon Bon. "It hurts. It ... it wasn't fair." She cleared her throat. "You think I couldn't tell something was wrong? My mother wasn't even the worst parent in our part of town, but there was enough kids who ... who loved their folks. How's a little filly supposed to puzzle that one out? Getting sad over it was as useless then as it is now."

Bon Bon found herself getting uselessly angry at how dismissive Berry seemed about, well, herself. She wondered how Ditzy, who'd long been a closer friend to Berry, had put up with it. "You were too bloody young to make sense of it," she snapped. "You weren't enough of a character yet to be able to say 'y'know what, none of this is my fault. I deserve better.'" She fixed the other mare with a glare. "And it's not useless. It'll give you some closure. It's just gonna keep hobbling you if you leave it alone. It hurts if you poke at it because it didn't heal right."

A pony in Bon Bon's old line of work learned not to be affected by misfortune, since getting emotional on a mission was just going to put everypony at risk. But not allowing yourself to feel in the moment could backfire in the long term, as she had found to her regret. Of course, Bon Bon had been unlucky. Other ponies in the same situation might cope just fine, if the dice rolled that way. At the same time, she doubted that there were a lot of children with abusive home lives who came out fine. Maybe not any, although of course loads of ponies grew up learning to fake being well. A valuable skill, as she'd said earlier. "Ponies don't grieve forever, Berry. Uh, if they do, that ain't healthy either. But if you let it happen, it ... " She paused. "I dunno how to put it. It'll lose power? It'll just be a memory instead of this millstone around your neck."

Berry grunted irritably. "I'd hardly know where to start. Besides, I spent the last ten-plus years imagining how ponies like Applejack or Pinkie would laugh me outta town if I told 'em my mom's been mean to me. I'm a grown mare! I mean, if they knew I'm not talking to her, or letting her see her granddaughter, I'd never hear the end of it. It's all family this and family that with most earth ponies. Ever notice how hardly anypony cares if a pegasus doesn't talk about family much?"

"You're not wrong," Bon Bon allowed, although she was pretty sure Berry was, consciously or not, trying to deflect. "But this isn't their bloody business, and it's not your business to worry what other ponies think. You need to do this sort of stuff for yourself." After a moment, she had an idea. "Why don't you tell me something you never told anypony else?"

"Single mothers do kinda have to worry what other ponies are thinking about them," Berry replied acidly. She scowled before suddenly grinning. "But sure, let's play. I was barely eighteen when Pinchy was born. Less than twenty when I first got to know Ditzy after moving here. I was doing alright. Hadn't started drinking again yet. Pretty sure having a foal to look after didn't leave me energy enough to get in trouble, or for self-loathing, hah. And when I worried about doing it right? I just told myself it made me better than my mother." Berry had sounded oddly smug, as though she was about to catch Bon Bon at something, like she was working herself up to some anecdote Bon Bon would have to give her grief over. But as she continued, she just sounded miserable. "Ditzy was getting ground down, too, and she wasn't even working at the time. Dinky was just getting into a real tantrum phase."

When Berry didn't immediately continue, Bon Bon tried to prompt her. "Go on?"

The other pony took a shuddering breath. "And the whole time Ditzy was so damned patient with the kid. Oh, her nerves were shot and she'd gripe at me when the foals were asleep or distracted, 'cause Ditzy doesn't bottle stuff up, but ... " Berry shook her head. "Anyway. She wasn't any less new at this than I was. That's not the point. But I saw the way she looked at Dinky and it made me so jealous it tore me up. My mother never looked at me like that. And it made me feel like garbage, a grown mare bein' jealous of a foal who was maybe two years old." She shrugged lamely, moisture in her eyes. "Just sticking to hating my mother was a lot more comfortable. I wasn't gonna rock the boat and make it all weird by telling Ditzy 'y'know I'd be doing a lot better if you'd been my mom.' I was pretty sure we'd both fall apart if we stopped teaming up. Wasn't gonna risk it."

It galled Bon Bon that Berry was still feeling ashamed for wanting what most ponies took for granted. She moved to grab a broom and started sweeping the floor to busy her hooves. "Pretty sure at that age I would have been useless at raising a kid." She didn't really see herself as the caregiving sort back then.

Berry lowered her head. "Pinchy turned out pretty alright, didn't she?"

"Yes," Bon Bon agreed. "Yes, I think she is going to grow up a damn fine pony. Still, I think it can only be a good thing for her to see you make an effort at dealing with yourself frankly and openly. You can't help what you've been saddled with, but you could learn to observe yourself, understand how this stuff shapes your thinking and steer against it. Everypony's life sucks sometimes, and you at least ought to be a good example at putting up with it." She narrowed her eyes at Berry. "That includes giving yourself credit for things you did right, too."

"I guess you'd know," Berry conceded. She smiled weakly. "It wasn't long 'til Ditzy started looking at Pinchy about the same way. We made a good team. I think she did ... a lot of the emotional heavy lifting ... but at the same time, knowing that she was good at the soft stuff made me worry less and I felt less alone. Without that pressure, I got better at it, too." With a shrug, she added, "I'm awful at giving myself credit, but I know what Ditzy would say. I'm good with money, I can make a bit go far. I was ... fair. Ditzy was never as good at putting her hoof down and being the bad cop when the kids needed some boundaries."

Berry was dully reciting the points by rote, making no effort to indicate whether or not she agreed or took any pride in them. "I solve problems. Except my own, of course. I could do a lot of my work at home and looked after the fillies once Ditzy got the mail job. She doesn't talk a lot unless you prompt her. I was constantly prattling away at the fillies, explaining what I was doing or just ... anyway, young kids need to hear talking. It's important. Ditzy lets too much stuff roll off her back. She claims it was good for Dinky to see me get angry on her mom's account if folks were rude to her or something. It's good for a kid to see their mother's got somepony in her corner, I guess."

"I never realized you two spent so much time around each other back then." Bon Bon and Lyra really hadn't been close to the mailmare until recently. She'd been nice enough, of course, and they hadn't thought ill of her. Kind of a missed opportunity, in hindsight.

"No offense, Bons, but you hardly left the house after moving here. And I gather you were pretty preoccupied with each other at the time, anyway." Berry shrugged. "I had the bits to spare to come here and buy candy, Ditzy usually didn't."

"True, I suppose." Bon Bon took a deep breath and found herself feeling surprisingly unsteady. "I'm not the best pony to bounce this off, I think."

"Nonsense," Berry cut her off before catching herself. "Can you take it?"

"It's pretty upsetting, but it's not going to ruin my day, Berry. I feel for you, but I got distance."

"Good, good." Berry hesitated. "Not sure I could talk about this if the other pony made a big production about how outraged or sad they are or something. But ... thanks. You just telling me matter of fact that it sucked ... that did feel pretty good. I'm surprised."

Bon Bon offered a tired smile. "That little filly-sized Berry Punch in your head might still suspect maybe she did something to deserve it. That maybe she wasn't good enough for her mother to treat her decent. That's not gonna go away quick, but hearing that it wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it is gonna feel good, coming from someone you trust. Thanks, by the way. It means a lot to me that you're willing to share."

Hopefully one day Berry would learn to tell herself that, and believe it. Right now she probably wasn't in the habit of talking back to that unhelpful inner voice, because most ponies frankly felt little need to watch their own head so closely. It wasn't something you just picked up. But Bon Bon hadn't added the last comment for Berry's sake. It really did leave her feeling good to be the pony for someone else to lean on for once. She'd spent a lot of time feeling like the emotional drain in her relationship with Lyra.

Berry nodded. "Never looked at it that way." A look of realization spread over her face. "Well, now I gotta have a talk with Ditzy as well once she's off work. She'll be a little cross I went to you first." She got up and headed towards the door. "I'll want her and Dinky to be there once I explain to Pinchy as well."

"I think mostly she'll be happy you're talking about it at all." Bon Bon opened the door and swept what little dust there was out into the road, to be picked up by a breeze. Hardly anything really, but she didn't like to break from routine, and routine included sweeping the floor. It didn't escape her that Berry was no longer apprehensive about the idea of talking to her daughter. The kid probably had a gripe or two she needed to have validated, and it was a little late to try and shield her from her mother's issues now. That ship had sailed. Long ago, probably.

Berry passed close by her, and for a moment Bon Bon wondered if she should give the other mare a hug. Maybe Berry wondered the same thing, there was a moment of hesitation before she shuffled awkwardly past Bon Bon. It made sense. Lyra and Ditzy were huggers, Berry and Bon Bon were mostly ponies who received hugs. Still, Bon Bon reached out to touch Berry's shoulder. "We've got your back."

"Thanks." The other pony offered a grateful smile. "Be seeing you."

Bon Bon watched her friend leave with a surprising spring in her step. She herself felt good despite the bleak topic. It wasn't a small thing to be trusted with, and she thought it would brighten her day in an odd way, maybe because it was good to know she was still a pony to rely on. Berry could just as easily have gone to Landshark or Ditzy, after all.