The dream is always the same. Cold and Pitch black. Nothing to see, just the sensation of being cramped down into a ball. Only enough room to breathe, but only just enough. Panic doesn’t set in, no point in panic, just wind up writhing around in a tizzy, using up air that isn’t there. I suppose it would be akin to being in the womb, but wombs are warm and soft, and there always a prospect of getting out, being swaddled up in a blanket. Being loved. This wasn’t that. This was purgatory.
The tapping finally begins to register, getting louder and louder, painfully slow, till it’s so loud it rattles my teeth.
The loudest crack yet breaks through to me, pitch black turns to blinding white and yet somehow it’s even colder than before.
——————-
Opening my eyes, I find myself in my room. Gripping the heavy comforter, with a cold sweat gripping me. It’s early summer but I always sleep with a heavy blanket, just for this reason; that dream.
I’m not really sure why my mind always comes back to that moment. It was bad but not the worst of it. Not back then. It just got worse after.
I allow the blanket to fall back to the bed. Stiff joints and a full bladder stagger me to the bathroom. Business to see to.
Washing up, I get a good lather of soap going. The sensation is calming in a way, I don’t understand why. Looking in the mirror, reveals that more than a few days of stubble has formed into the early makings of a beard. I’ve got the time. I use the suds to foam up my face, the straight razor and scissors are laid out neatly on a towel there after.
————-
No nicks today.
Coming down the steps I can see that my caretaker is already gone for the morning. It’s Saturday. That means Bon Bon is out with her foalhood friend.
That’s nice.
Settling for an orange, I expertly peel it in a way that would make even a unicorn jealous. I don’t really like oranges all that much. But again the act of peeling is also soothing.
It’s Saturday, I recall. That means it’s grocery day. The list is in its usual place on the ice box. Taking the list down I read the contents. Basics really: milk and eggs, strawberries, yogurt, a bag of hay, couple cobs of corn,...apples.
I can’t help but cringe a bit at that entry. There was only one place to get apples here in town and I swear the mare that runs it could see right into me. She was nice enough, in a wary way, but so was everypony else. No, she had a way of looking at me, with those eyes, those green eyes. Something unnatural about them. But there’s nothing wrong with green.
———-
Closing the door behind me, I adjust my saddle bags. It’s mid morning by now, and many residents of Ponyville are up and about, tending to the wonted needs of small town life.
Ms.Sunrise next door is out tending to her prized strawberries. The latch of the door catching her attention. “Good morning, Green Hill.” she calls out to me giving me a neighborly wave, even if it’s forced. I am grateful, giving her a slight bow of my head with a small smile but not lingering too long. I don’t really want to talk. I doubt she wants to talk either.
Using a hoof I adjust my caparison. As I mentioned, it’s early summer, but I won’t leave home without it on. I just feel better with it.
It’s probably more akin to a shawl or body scarf, I suppose. It covers my chest and withers, then trails to my back before stopping at my tail. Thankfully it’s a light enough material that it breathes nicely, and it’s green. I like green.
Standing on the welcome mat I take stock of everything I need, plus preparing for what I am doing.
‘List, wallet, bags, caparison, shoes’.
Don’t know why I always include them, the shoes I mean. There attached to me after all. But they are always on my mind. That’s probably the point. A reminder.
My path set, my checklist finished, I move forward. The sound of the iron on my hooves clunking a bit as I make the short trip off the cobblestone. The sound is mercifully muted once I hit the open dirt of the main road.
Just another day in the rest of my life as ‘Mister Green Hill’.
———-
I am startled by a dark grey hoof that slams on the table top next to me. The clink of metal and dull gleam tells me it’s a bit, as well as whom it belongs to. That can only mean he has another guess.
“You were the leader of a group of bandits out of the Badlands, until your misdeeds caught up to you as well as the law.”
I slowly turn my head in response to this accusation that was summarily placed next to me.
“I’m right, aren’t I.” He says eagerly waiting my reply. His name is Thunderlane. A carefree, likeable stallion. His crisp Mohawk and wings seem to twitch in anticipation for my response. Sadly, I must once again disappoint him.
“One: There is no law in the Badlands, that’s why they are bad. Two: Bandits are more likely to be executed, or if somehow captured are given, at minimum, a life sentence in a detention center.” Each point diminishes his enthusiasm a bit before he perks up as he realizes something.
“That would be something only a bandit would know!” He says pointing a knowing hoof at me.
“Or someone who was a convict, and you already know that I was.” I respond flatly.
The mare behind the counter looks a bit nervous at how candid he and I are talking about this, but it’s not like it’s a secret of what I was. It’s been a month and though folks are still a little tense around me; good faith, courtesy, and having a reputable ‘sister’ vouching for me have made things...livable.
‘How long will that last?’ I shake myself from those thoughts. They are toxic. Unproductive.
“Come on! That has to be it!” Thunder whines as he comes closer trying to look me in the eyes for any trace of deception.
“Why does that ‘have to be it’? I ask taking the potatoes from the counter and places them into the burlap bag before tying it off with a nip of my teeth.
“Well you got those cuts on you.” He says eluding to a few scars on my legs and side. “And your mark-“ I can’t help but flinch away from his hoof as he brings it to my back leg. It’s not subtle, but I hope he doesn’t notice. His expression says he does. “...sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I breathe in through my nose. It’s fine. I’m fine. “My mark is an off centered compass.” I respond quietly, steadying myself on the stall table. “It means I’m lost.” I say bitterly, knowing how close to the mark that is. Literally.
“That will be two bits Mr. Green Hill.” The salesmare says, politely cutting through the tension. That was mean of me, to make her apart of this.
Shaking it off, I straighten myself up before smiling. “He’s paying.” I motion to Thunderlane, my meek smile going smug.
“WHAT? Me?” He exclaims.
“You made your guess today, pay the mare.”
“It’s one bit a guess!” Thunder harrumphs with his arms crossed indignantly.
“One bit per guess. Two bits for a repeat.” Placing the potato sack in my bag I wait for it to sink in. Don’t want to panic the mare thinking I am going to run off without paying.
“When did I guess bandit?” The pegasus protests.
“Two weeks ago when I was supposedly in the Mcintosh hills robbing stage coaches.”
“That’s totally different!”
“How?” I challenge.
“Bandits...don’t...uhm.” His gusto flounders as he looks to the mare for help. Instead she simply shrugs with a smile and holds out a hoof to him to complete the payment.
“Dang-it.” He grumbles before digging out his wallet and laying the second gold coin out. The sale made legal I give the mare a nod, wordlessly asking permission to leave. She returns the gesture, and even gives me a smile. It’s not much, but it’s enough. I turn and make my way further in the market.
I still need apples. I’d put it off, hoping that I would get lucky and her brother would be running the cart today. No such luck. I can see her from here, her Stetson helping her stand out from the crowd of ponies.
“Got a thing for country girls?” Thunderlane gives me a nudge when he sees my gaze.
Immediately I look away.
“Hey, hey, hey,” He chides me, “No shame in liking her. As earth mares go, she is quite the specimen.” He tries to reassure me, but he doesn’t really get it.
I don’t really like her like that. At least I think I don’t. I admit she is pretty. No, it’s more she makes me nervous. Like she knows something about me, that I don’t want anypony to know. Yes, that’s it.
Having Thunderlane around making me question myself is somewhat nerve racking in of itself. Constantly putting me onguard. But he means well, I suppose.
“I-I just need some apples.” I straighten myself out, hoping to hide the red in my cheeks.
“If you say so brony.” He says reassuringly, but I can still sense his smirk. “On an unrelated note, the guys and I are heading to Berry’s tonight, you should come.” Another nudge gives him my full attention.
“I can’t. It’s a violation of my parole to drink.
“I know, I know. But you don’t need to drink with us to have fun. Just come out. I’m sure you can convince your sister to let you off the chain. Hay, bring Bon Bon with, she’s kinda cute.” Also not your type, I internally quip.
“Thunderlane, I really-“ I try to protest but he cuts me off. Placing an arm on my back which causes me to freeze up.
“Hill, you are never going to get back into the world by hiding from it.” He tightens his grip, causing me to hold my breath. I am trying not to panic, everything should be fine, but I am still on edge. “I don’t know what you did ( I will figure it out,)” he smarms under his breath, ”but if your here it means you served you your time, your square with the house. It’s time to start living again.” He mercifully let’s go.
I lower my head in relief, but even through the hysteria his words still find there way to me. “Just promise me you will think about it, okay?” He gives me a bump to my shoulder.
I look up at him. I don’t know why he is so nice to me. Maybe it’s because I am a mystery to him, or maybe I look like I need propping up. Either way, it was just nice to have somepony to talk to.
“Okay.” I acquiesce, quietly.
“Atta boy.” He says with a reassuring smile. “I actually gotta go, I’m suppose to be working the clouds over near town hall and if Dash finds out I’m not there She will have my primaries in a pinch.” With a kick off from the ground he is airborne. He swoops around a bit and passes me. “9:30 tonight big guy! And remember; Everypony gets a second chance, Hill.” He shouts with a salute as he speeds off.
The encouragement is there but I can’t help but feel glum by that, “Yeah...everypony.”
————————
“And there he is.” The applemare greets me cheerfully. “Thought Ah saw yah in and out of the crowd, sug’. Don’t tell me you’ve been avoidin’ me now?”
I cringe a bit, kicking myself for my lack of subtlety. “N-No Miss.”
Yah haven't?" She asked, and I couldn't help but step backward as she gave me that look.
"N-no, honest." I replied to her. "I just have had a lot to do lately, and I haven't had time to chat." Partial truth, it was: my mind had been occupied with other matters - like staying out of trouble, for one - and the art of conversation was not a strong point for me. I wouldn't know what to say to her anyway.
"Well, ah tell yah what: if you can talk to me for a solid five minutes then the apples are on me today."
Oh nuts.
She was calling my bluff. I could see it in her eyes, and my ears folded back.
"That's all right, I would rather pay for them." I reply. "The last thing I need right now is to be accused of stealing."
"Ain't stealing if ah give 'm to yah." She replied. "And if you ain't avoiding me then this should be easy."
"Miss Applejack...I... I don't even know what to talk about." I admit.
"Don't matter to me, just start talkin'. The weather, who's walking by right now, how yah like Ponyville so far, somethin' juicy ‘bout Bon Bon, the gravel on the road, whatever. Just pick a topic."
She was pushing hard for this. Why? Was she trying to test me? See how I would react if pushed? If I would let something slip? Somehow I doubted running away would be an option, so I pondered the safest course.
Ponyville seemed a safe bet, and the sooner I complied with her request the sooner I could get on with the day. "Ponyville... is...a nice place, I suppose. It's very serene."
"How so?"
"Well,” I searched my recent memories choosing my words carefully as well as avoiding her gaze. “The woods. I like the woods and the ponds nearby. There's a lot of nice quiet places to think. I like to just sit, sometimes. Listen to the birds, and the wind in the leaves. I'll go running sometimes through Whitetail Wood, just to help clear my mind."
"What are yah trying to clear out?”
Nice try.
"Random thoughts. They come and go. Most of them don't mean anything."
Those green eyes started to bore a hole clean through my soul. I knew she knew I wasn't telling her everything.
"Random, huh?"
"Y-yeah. I just.... I just think a lot. About nothing."
"I feel where yer coming from."
"You do?"
"Sure. There's lots o' times when I'm out in the orchard by myself, and the darndest thoughts’ll just wander in and pull up a seat. I let 'em run around for a bit, then shoo 'm out once ah'm done with 'm. Taint no harm in that."
"I wish there wasn't." I mutter.
"Wasn't what?"
"Nothing." I replied with a shake of my head. "I need to get going. Twenty apples, please."
The Apple farmer gave me the look again for a brief moment, but she quickly placed my order in a gunny sack and passed it over without saying anything. When I offered her the bits needed for payment, however, she smiled and shook her head.
"Yah gave me five minutes, so they're on me.”
“I don’t feel right about that.”
“I laid the terms and stand by ‘em. An’ if anypony gives you trouble about it, just tell 'm to come talk to me."
"...thanks." I softy offer.
"Just don't be such a stranger. Ah don't bite."
And as I walked away, I heard her playfully call out:
"Well, not hard anyway."
————————-
My face a blushing mess, I manage to casually kick up some dirt and distance myself from the bustling market. My hooves already pointing south, I follow them true until I come to one of Ponyville’s many hoofbridges. Stepping up the stonework, the iron on my frogs seem to chime louder than I know they truly do.
The Sun is beginning to reach the tops of the trees. I wager it’s nearly ten. A quick glance towards the ponyville clocktower confirms my suspicion. Only about seven minutes till ten.
Nothing really left to do today.
Feeling this is a good place to rest as any, I gently lower my saddle bags, laden with supplies, to the ground, propping them against the side of the bridge.
With a heavy sigh, I too, lean up against the bridge. The coarse feel of the stone bristling against my skin. Looking down into the clear water below I spot little fish swimming in the stream below. I observe as they zig zag through the reeds and lilies that sway in the gentle push of the water. Their silvery bodies flash in the sunlight as they make their way downstream, to the river and waters well beyond, simply doing what came naturally to them.
I envy them, in a way. In my quieter moments, I truly wish I would've taken a greater chance, just run, without stopping, simply kept going till I reached the end of this world. But my sensibilities creep back. This was the better choice, the one that kept me out of…
I let out a shudder as once again there is that chill. Running a fetlock to my chest I'm once again grateful for my trusty choice in attire, even if it makes me stand out.
‘No. This is better.” Things are flimsy now, but in time, maybe, they will settle, and I can have...something more.
I’m not sure what that could be, or if I believe it, but really don’t have an alternative. I need to do my best and make this work. ‘I can’t go back, I won’t go back.”
Taking a deep calming breath, I shut my eyes and just enjoy the water flowing beneath me. The Sun rejuvenating me as it shines down on my fur.
A twist of an ear picks up a familiar voice coming closer. My stomach twists a bit as I prepare myself for what must follow.
“...can you believe it? I mean I knew her back in Canterlot and now she’s- oh hey Green!” The chipper voice belongs to a mint green unicorn whom I have come to know quite well in my time here in Ponyville. Lyra Heartstrings. She treats me nice enough, though she seems to be just as nosy as the rest of the town. But one could chalk that up to rural gossip.
The issue of her arrival comes with whom will most likely follow be alongside her. Bon Bon, agreed to oversee my life outside, as well as provide me a place to stay. While she wasn’t cruel or petty, it was clear from day one her obligation to help me wasn’t completely voluntary.
“Hello, Lyra.” I politely acknowledge, before turning to my sister.
She is kind enough to keep a pleasant face in front of her friend, but there’s a certain contempt that manages to sneak through. That’s just reserved for me.
“Shoppin’ huh? Such a good little brother!” Lyra chatters on obviously, before eagerly nosing her way into the bags. “Whatcha get?”
“You saw the list?” Bon Bon speaks, her gaze hard.
“Yes.” I respond resolutely.
“Woohoo! Apples!” The unicorn chirps, helping herself to one of the red fruit, munching away happily.
“Hey Lyra?” The stone wall she put up breaks as she looks past me, her expression softening. “I just need a minute or two to talk to Green Hill before we go.”
Lyra looks between us with a mouthful of apple, before giving her a nod. “Sure, but lighten up on the stallion Bonny, he’s doing a good job. You are Green.” I give her a thankful smile even as Bon Bon wordless my walks back down the bridge. She makes no effort to turn around, she just assumes I will follow. Like a dog.
Which I do of course.
“Got a jump on shopping, that’s good.” She says good but nothing about her tone says it’s praise.
“I did. Got everything on the list, even saved some bits on apples.”
“How?” She turns sharply at this.
“Miss Applejack made me a deal. She wanted to talk, so we did.” She still looks suspiciously at me. “She pushed the issue, I couldn’t not talk to her.”
“What did she ask about?”
“I talked. It’s fine, I kept it pretty neutral.” This response obviously doesn’t please her. “What would you have me do? I am just trying to get along with ponies here without ruffling any feathers.”
“You know what I would have you do.” Her words have venom, but they are not without some merit. They still sting though. After a moment she does seem to show some sign of regret for saying them, or at least not being so blunt about it. “What are your plans for the day?” She asks turning away from me.
“Shopping is done. It’s a good day for a run, maybe get some training done too.”
“Where?”
“The old Diamond Dog Quarry, past Applebend. It’s out of the way, secluded.”
“Fine.” She snaps, making me hesitate even bringing up the next part. “Was there something else?”
“...the guys asked...if I could hang out tonight at Berry’s.” She seems legitimately surprised that I would bring it up. To be honest, I surprise myself, but something about talking with Thunder and Applejack makes me just a bit bolder.
She is quick to remind me though, “That’s a violation of-“
“-Only if I drink.” I counter, I pause for a moment, “I just...want feel normal for a little while. Like I am not still being punished.” It’s pathetic that I need to beg to her, but I agreed to this.
“Home by 10:00.” I am actually surprised by this, though I hate pushing my luck, I need to push a little more
“It starts at 9:30.”
“That’s what I am offering.”
“...please.” She actually turns to me, appraising my sincerity with that shriveling gaze she saves just for me.
“...your scruff is under our roof by 10:30. On the dot. No excuses.” She turns away and begins to walk back to the bridge where Lyra gives me a sympathetic smile, though I can’t help but wonder how many apples are left in the bag. Said bags are then hefted onto Bon Bon’s back as she waves me off to the south, into the direction of the quarry.
It’s a small sign of appeasement, and I will take it. Especially if it means I can just go. With a nod I turn about and begin heading in the direction of the woods.
With my stride it doesn’t take long to reach the top of the hill.
I don’t even bother turning around, instead I opt to begin running. The wind surging past my ears as I pick up speed. The trees become more thick as I leave behind the cleared patches of grass and move into the more wild outskirts of the town. But that’s the point, a chance to leave it behind to be me, the real me. My speed has yet to level out as I can feel it; a surge of power coming from my hooves, pushing past the oppressive iron, nourishing me, giving me strength.
The gaps between trees are becoming less and less and I can see the dark of the Everfree close in. Ponies fear to go in there, afraid of the creatures that lie within. But I don’t fear them. I am no pony.
With a final burst, I am airborne. Twisting mid air I feel magic begin to crackle and dissipate around me as I press my front hooves together, canceling out the spell that keeps me hidden and contained.
I land on my feet, my hands steadying me for a moment before bringing me to my full height, my caparison, altered with me forming a primitive toga, to provide protection for my furless skin. The iron horse shoes how shifted to a duel set of bracelets and anklets; a safeguard for me and those who are giving me this chance, this chance to be free in the world again.
I feel the magic of the planet itself surge beneath. I relax and allow some of that energy to flow into me. It’s warm and I feel it from the tips of my fingers and toes. Cutting myself off from it, I begin running once again, faster this time, bounding over roots and rocks.
I don’t have much time, but will make the most of it.
Time to be human again.