Jon Lajoie in Ponyville

by Kirb

I Kill Ponies

Still sitting outside of the Carousel Boutique, where Rarity had dumped him, Jon Lajoie stood up and grabbed his stuff. Just then, someone bumped into him. Jon looked and saw Fluttershy.

"Um, excuse me, sir," said the innocent little Pegasus.

"What?" said Jon.

"Well, um, you are in my way," stated Fluttershy.

"Well, I'm so fucking sorry," yelled Jon. "Where are you going? You wouldn't happen to be going to Rarity's house, would you?"

"Um, yes," said Fluttershy.

"Well, that's fucking good for you. Hey, could you give the bitch a message from me? Fuck you! Tell her I said that she can go fuck herself if she doesn't like my fashion tastes!"

The shy Pegasus backed away, tears welling up in her eyes.

"No offense to you," said Jon. "I only mean offense to her. Oh yeah, one more thing: could you tell Rarity that..."

Jon then hit a button on his boombox, and a beat started playing from it. He then started rapping.

"Rarity, I don't like it when you talk
'Cause that just means you aren't sucking my cock!"

Fluttershy said, "Okay," and then ran into the Carousel Boutique.

Jon began walking away, with his boombox still playing, singing a new tune:

"Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)
I want to have sex with your vagina (uh!)
Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)
E=mc Vagina!"

Suddenly, another Pegasus flew up to Jon, attacking him from behind. Rainbow Dash slammed into Jon, knocking him over and causing him to drop his bags and his boombox.

"Ugh," groaned Jon, getting up. "There goes everybody crashing into me again. Whoop de fuckin' doo."

Rainbow Dash landed in front of him.

"That wasn't nice, the way you treated Fluttershy!"

"So?" said Jon. "I was pissed off at Rarity for rejecting my fashion ideas! Haven't you ever been angry before?"

"Well, yeah," admitted Rainbow, "but I never take it out on my friends when I'm mad!"

"In case you hadn't noticed, I'm kind of new here, so that pony back there isn't exactly my friend."

For this, Jon got another kick to the face from Rainbow, who then took a fighting stance.

"In case you hadn't noticed, Jon, Fluttershy back there is my friend, and I am prepared to defend her!"

Jon got up and laughed.

"Ha! You think that you can beat me?" He hit another button on his boombox, which started playing a new beat. Then Jon started singing again.

"Well, beware, player-hater, because...
Guns don't kill ponies, uh uh!
I kill ponies... with guns (Pow!)
Guns don't kill ponies, uh uh!
I kill ponies... with guns (Pow!)"

He pointed a finger in Rainbow's general direction.

"Hey, punk-ass gangster, what you looking at?
You think you can front with me? You better watch your back
Because I have a lot of guns and I can shoot them good
I'm a menace from society, a boy on the hood"

"Wait, wait, wait," said Rainbow, confused. "What is a gun, anyway?"

Jon looked at her directly in the eye.

"What? What? You got a problem with this?
Maybe I should kick you in the face with my fist
Because on top of guns I know karate and ninja stuff"

"How do you even afford all this stuff you're talking about?!" asked Rainbow.

Jon answered her question by continuing his song.

"I buy a lot of expensive things because I have a lot of money
You can't afford expensive things 'cause you don't have a lot of money
Ha ha! You want these things but you cannot afford them
That means you're not cool 'cause you're just a poor person"

"Hey!" yelled Rainbow. "I'm still 20% cooler than you!"

Jon ignored Rainbow and continued with his song.

"When I show girls my money, they want to have sex with me
And they always have orgasms 'cause my penis is so big
Everybody knows that my rhythms are really tight
Like an extra large condom on my penis, that's right!"

During all of the previous verse, Rainbow had been trying to hide how funny she thought Jon was, but when he said the final line, she fell on the floor cracking up.

"I've killed so many ponies," stated Jon, "that I don't even remember how many ponies I've killed, but it's probably about seven... thousand."

Rainbow couldn't stop her laughter.

"Oh my Celestia, that is so funny!" the Pegasus said between laughs. "I think that might even be funnier than Pinkie's 'Oatmeal' joke!"

"Uh, thanks," said Jon. "I wrote it myself."

"You did?" said Rainbow. "Jon, I think I love you!"

Jon's facial expression turned stern, and he began rapping again.

"Love is for girls and gays
If you wanna hang with me, it goes one of two ways:
Either you have sex with me...
Or you have sex with me."

Rainbow couldn't control herself now as she started laughing again.

"Man, Jon, you're a hoot! I used to think you were just rude! But now that I know you, you're not so bad!"

She flew up behind Jon, but this time it was to give him a pat on the back.

"Keep up the good work, Jon!" she said as she flew away towards Cloudsdale.

"Wow," said Jon, a bit surprised. "I didn't know anybody in this strange town actually liked my songs, much less loved them."
He picked up the rest of his things and walked away, once again singing.

"Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)
I want to have sex with your vagina (uh!)
Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)"

At this point, Derpy Hooves, the mail pony, flew up in front of Jon.

"Excuse me, sir?" said Derpy. "Do you know what time it is?"

Jon answered Derpy, while continuing his song.

"What time is it?
It's vagina."

"Oh!" said Derpy. "Then I'm just in time for my mail route!" She flew away.

"Well, that was weird," said Jon as he walked to the general direction of the hotel with his boombox still playing the music.

Note: This chapter contains references to several Jon Lajoie songs and videos, including:
The Phonecall
Show Me Your Genitals 2: E=MC Vagina
I Kill People
If you haven't seen them yet, please do so before reading this.