//------------------------------//
// Bitter Disappointment 
// Story: Past Conditional: More Speedfics and Drabbles by Present Perfect 
// by PresentPerfect 
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Bitter Disappointment
by Present Perfect

A little known fact about unicorns: When a unicorn mare falls in love with another mare -- even one from the lesser races -- they can make babies together.

Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not from giving themselves boy parts via magic.  Magic does play a role, but not quite that way.

If the unicorn and her special somepony are real, for sure, super-duper, extra-special in schmoopy-doopy twoodly-woodly wuv, the unicorn's magic will harmonize with the love to form a magical lesbian spawn.  Then her wife, marefriend, or it-was-just-a-one-night-stand-Pomegranate-Shine-stop-calling-me gets pragnent.

This is the truest expression of love magic known to ponykind.  It is a beautiful, pure moment born of the greatest lesbian romance.  And of course, none of this applies to stallions, because that would be gay.





With all that in mind, we set our sights upon one Starlight Glimmer, lost and adrift in life thanks to Trixie breaking up with her.  Again, I know what you're thinking... or, actually, I probably don't.  Look, here's what happened:

Starlight and Trixie were the best of friends, which is weasel code for "lesbian horses".  They had had a great thing going, sexing it up in Trixie's wagon out back of the Friendship Castle day and night, lest Twilight, Spike or Trixie's mother (she was always coming around asking for money) find them in flagrante delicto.  They were totes in wuv, you guys, is my point.

But because Starlight was a main character, her relationship with Trixie fell victim to the Transitive Property of Main Characterness.  In short, Trixie became a main character, too, and everyone liked her more than Starlight.  It happened more or less overnight: one day, Starlight was feeling like Best Pony (as if), then suddenly she was the one being carried through episodes by Trixie's magnificence.  Really, she should have seen it coming.  Let's just say she was blinded by love.  Or lust.  Something like that.

Trixie, being Trixie, of course let this all go to her head.  See, she and Twilight had gotten to talking and had agreed that, what with Trixie's lack of actual episodes for five seasons, Twixie really never did get the chance at canonicity it deserved, and wouldn't you love to go back and remember the old days when that was a thing?  So they made it a thing again.

And that left poor, pathetic Starlight "Glimmy-Glams" Glimmer out in the proverbial doghouse.  I mean, there are so many rooms in the castle, she could live the rest of her life there without ever seeing another soul.  There is at least one pony hobo doing precisely that at this very moment, as a matter of fact.

But Starlight got all saddy-waddy, and her room in the castle was big and empty and drafty, so she took her problems to her friends.

Pinkie Pie was of course super sympathetic, and said she'd be willing throw Starlight a--

No, no, wait, I'm sorry, easy mistake to make there.  I meant Starlight's actual friends.

Unfortunately, Sunburst was in the Crystal Empire, Thorax was in the changeling hive being useless, and Discord was Discord, so all she had left was Maud.

And when she took her problem to Maud, Maud said something along the lines of, "At last we can finally consummate the unspoken love we have carried for each other despite the presence of that wretched harridan."  But she said it in that creepy, flat voice of hers, plus she used a lot of big words, and Starlight isn't a very smart pony.  What I'm saying is, when Starlight left Maud's underground love palace, they were both feeling supremely unsatisfied.

So it was that Starlight aimlessly wandered into Sweet Apple Acres.  She might have realized her mistake sooner had Granny Smith threatened her with a shotgun.  ("I knows an apple thief when I smells an apple thief!" had been her justification last time.)  It was most likely the remembrance of times spent with Trixie "practicing magic tricks" under the trees in the west orchard that had guided Starlight's hooves.  As luck would have it, that mopey post-breakup longing would lead her straight to her destiny.

In other words, Starlight wasn't really paying attention to where she was going and bumped right into Applejack, the clumsy bitch.

I'm sorry, that was sexist and needlessly rude.  Starlight bumped right into Applejack, the clumsy fuckstain.

"Well, boy howdy nelly in the hornswaggle," said Applejack.

Starlight was dumbstruck, by which I mean she was struck by how dumb that was.

But Starlight was also an emotional wreck, and, being in close proximity to one of Twilight's good friends, the floodgates opened, and she told Applejack everything.

"Gee golly gosh, sugarcube," said Applejack in her simple but beautiful language, "that right there's a real hum-dinger of a sob story.  But I got just the thing that'll cheer ya up!"

Starlight sniffed and wiped all the snot from her nose.  Her eyes glistened in the fading afternoon sunlight.  Her heart went doki-doki as she gazed up at Applejack.  The earth pony was so strong and confident as she towered above the small, emotionally fragile mare.

"Applejack-sempai," she breathed, "what could possibly make all this pain and torment go away?"

"Shucks, Starlight, it's just a simple, down-home remedy what Granny Smith cooked up back when Ponyville was a glint in my great-grandpappy's eye."

She gazed off over the apple orchard her family had given so much sweat and toil to nurture into the best a pony could find in all of Equestria.  Generations spent tilling soil, watering, planting and bucking trees and picking and processing apples led up to this moment of truth.  A tiny smile creased the corner of Applejack's mouth.

"Rebound sex."

"Oh!" said Starlight.  "I'm down."

And so they had sweaty, gross horse sex in the barn.

See, Applejack was "hella fucking gay", as the kids put it these days.  She got away with it by making everyone think her family's lifestyle was conservative and draconian.  I mean, seriously, everyone expects Rainbow Dash to be gay, but not even people who ship her with Applejack think that would be possible in a million years.  In reality, Granny was a freak, her brother liked wearing mares' clothing -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- and even her little sister was a budding sexual deviant, but I can't give you any more details than that if I want to post this story on Fimfiction.net, your number one source for all things pony fanfiction!

Rainbow Dash, for the record, swings both ways.

Anyway, getting back to glum Glim-Glam, she and AJ turned out to have a lot more in common than anyone would have thought, themselves included.  They talked and sexed a bunch more over the following weeks and discovered they possessed that strongest of bonds, that most indivisible of unions, an ironclad apple core from which the tree of their love could flourish.

They were both worst pony.

No, seriously.  I'm being real here.  It's just science.

Anyway, eventually they told their friends they were in love (Trixie was not jealous in the least, and she did not force Twilight to talk in a Southern Equestrian accent while in the bedroom), and they found welcoming acceptance in the arms of their collected friends, who were mostly Twilight's.  Their relationship bloomed, yadda yadda, hey, do you remember all that stuff from the beginning about unicorn prengancy?  Because that's about to get relevant.

You see, Starlight and Applejack really were in love.  And it was the truest, bluest, schmoopy-doopy-woopiest love you could throw a brick at.  Everypony got tired of them right quick, lemme tell ya, and ponies have a lot of bricks.

And because of all that stuff about magic and beautiful lesbian love, Applejack woke up one morning with a horrible realization.

"Starlight!" she cried, shoveling ice cream or watermelon or something into her mouth like a dirty heathen.  I don't write these jokes.  "I done got teen pregananant!"

Boy howdy, you better believe there were shotguns aplenty after that.  A wedding followed soon after.  For the rest of her days, Granny never could look at Starlight without glaring at her.

But with the changing of the seasons came the full flush of womanhood or whatever, and Applejack's pargancy proceeded apace.  Soon, it was time to welcome the new foal to the wide, wonderful, lovin' world.

But there was a problem.

You see, Starlight was worst pony.  And Applejack was worst pony.  Under normal circumstances, the combination of their awfulness would have produced something hideous, but nothing worse than that.  Think, I dunno, an extra leg sticking out the side and Moondancer eyebrows.

But Starlight and Applejack's union had been witnessed.  By Spike, if you're wondering.  And he'd been tipped off about the steamy, nasty horse lovemaking by Discord, of all people.  They had watched it together through the barn window and agreed it was totally gross.

And that combination -- of awful ponies in love, witnessed by even worse side characters -- swirled together with magic and love and whatnot to produce a veritable shitstorm of a foal the like of which Equestria had never seen before and, Celestia willing, would never see again.

Seriously, when she saw that little crapsack pony, Celestia immediately made changes to the magical foundation of Equestria so terrible characters could never fall in love again, no matter how hard they were shipped.

What was so terrible about this pony, you ask?  Wait, what do you mean you don't care?  Well fuck your beans, Sunny Jim, I'm telling you anyway!

Applejack and Starlight named their little crotchbiscuit Winegum, which was the perfect name of awfulness to encapsulate her entire being.  From her black coat to her curly wisps of ash-gray mane, her slitted yellow eyes and leathery, bony wings, she was the absolute definition of terror.  Her own parents had to drink day and night not to disown her.  It nearly drove them apart, only neither of them owned anything of real value -- I mean, come on, Starlight wouldn't want half a farm -- so there was no point in getting divorced.  Starlight and Applejack remained bitter and spiteful to the very end.

As for Winegum, she would grow up feeling distant and unloved, a freak among freaks, whom nopony ever wanted to be around.  Her mothers were never proud of her.  She would come to be known as "the Stral", because her favorite pastime was stealing other ponies' candy.

And that's how batponies are made.

The End