Tim snaps back into reality, brings forth his journal from his saddlebag and starts writing.
Journal entry 70, October 24th
I found my old orphan home today. I ran here when my parents were killed and lived here for a long time. I just had another flashback of me when I was a teen-colt, I was playing with a purple teen-filly with a blue mane when 3 bullies started mocking us. I eventually bucked one of them in the face several times, causing the purple teen-filly to run away. That day I had to go to bed without dinner, after apologizing to the bully I smashed up. I also went through a small box of things from my foalhood, I found a small picture of me and the purple filly from before our first date and a lot of other things. I think I'm gonna take a quick nap since I haven't slept in days, and then I'll continue my quest once I wake up.
He shuts his book and slowly crawls into bed, under the sheets. The bed is big enough for him and he realizes he hasn't grown much since when he saw himself as a teen-colt. He's tired so he dedicates one last thought to his ex-filly-friend and all of his old friends before he falls asleep. He falls into a deep sleep and more memories start to appear in his head as he sleeps, memories he had long supressed, memories he doesn't want to remember.
-----Flashback-----
The grey colt is a bit older now, he's sitting in his room with the purple filly, they're both about 16 years of age now. They're still living in the orphan home since they're not adult ponies yet. The filly's teeth have improved significantly and she's no longer wearing bracers. They're listening to the radio he bought with the bits he got for helping taking care of the smaller fillies and colts. The grey colt is sitting in the bed, the purple filly is lying on the bed with her head in his lap as he is moving his hoof down her mane gently with a sad smile on his face.
"Today it's 11 years ago," he sighs "11 years ago my parents were killed, on this exact day."
"Oh, I'm sorry" she says carefully "I'm sure they're both watching you from where ever they are now, and I'm sure they're both very proud of you."
"Yeah, it's easy for you to say that" he says sarcastically "your parents are still out there somewhere, you can just go seek them out once you're out of this dump."
"What? My parents abandoned me here when I was 3 years old, what makes you think they want anything to do with me now?" she says angrily, she had left his embrace and is now sitting in the bed next to him.
"Well, at least they aren't dead!" he shouts while wondering: 'Why am I getting so angry over this?'.
"Don't you think I feel worse? My family abandoned me when I was 3 years old, they left me on the doorstep to this orphan home, they didn't love me, they don't want anything to do with me, ever! But you wouldn't know, you were probably always loved by your parents!" she shouts at him.
Then it snaps for him, he can hear the sound of glass crackling again, this time it sounds more like if you put pressure on an already crackled glass pane, then comes the anger.
"I'M the lucky one? My parents were killed when I was a mere foal, I had to run for weeks to find this orphan home, i had to fucking beg in order to get enough bits to buy a fucking bread, I'm 16 years now, my parents are dead, I have no real home and the only bits I earn are for wiping the ass of foals that can't do it themselves!" he shouts at her, the purple filly feels like she's shrinking and suddenly, he seems a lot bigger to her "And you say I'm the lucky one? FUCK YOU!" and with that he bucks her, he starts punching her in the face with his forehooves, with the occasional buck using his hindlegs. She just cries in pain every time he hits her, until she's nothing but a bleeding pile of meat, and even then he just keeps punching her. He doesn't feel any regret, he doesn't feel any compassion, only anger.
The filly's lifeless body is lying on the ground, it doesn't even look like a pony anymore, with all the blood everywhere. The colt is standing on the floor in front of her(or what's left of her), breathing heavily. He can feel the anger leave his body with every breath he takes, and slowly he realizes what he did. "Oh no..." he cries as he can feel tears making their way to his eyes, "what have I done... She just tried to cheer me up, and I just... oh Celestia..." He starts crying openly, bent over her body. "I just killed the one pony I have ever loved." He feels his legs shaking under him, he feels sadness rolling over him like a tidal wave. He almost feels sadder than when his parents died, but a part of him feels... joy. Joy of inflicting pain onto another pony, the same kind of joy he had felt when he beat that bully 3 years ago. "What kind of monster am I..?" he asks himself with tears in his eyes.
"Hello, what's going on in there?" someone says while knocking on his door.
'Crap, I'd better run away, if someone finds out, I don't even know what'll happen, I don't even want to know.' the grey colt thinks to himself "Nothing, j-just a second, lemme just uh..." he says looking around frantically "lemme just tidy up in here."
"I'm so, so sorry," he whispers, giving the dead filly a kiss on the forehead, before he vanishes out the window, ready to once again run as far away as possible. Away from the problems, away from the memories, hoping to start anew somewhere else.
-----Flashback End-----
Tim wakes up in bed with a gasp and sits up instantly. Breathing heavily he notices that he has sweat, a lot. It's night so he uses his magic to illuminate the room in order to see. He looks around the room and thinks about the dream, he throws a glance at the spot where he last saw the purple filly, there is a small blood stain he didn't notice before he went to sleep, then comes the tears.
Tears of anger, tears of regret, but mostly, tears of sorrow. He curls into a small ball in the bed, a small ball of fur, and then he starts crying. He attempts to cry out his anger, regret and sorrow, even after he falls asleep he keeps crying. He cries until he's out of tears and even then he keeps sobbing. He cries because of his parents' death, he cries because of his foalhood gone wrong and he cries because of the death of his love.
The rest of the night brings no dreams or memories.
The following morning Tim wakes up and can feel the trails under his eyes where the tears had run. He goes to the old colt shower room and surprised to see the piping still works, he takes a shower. It's good with a shower, he doesn't remember the last time he had a shower, must've been weeks ago. He feels the shower washing out all of the sorrow, anger and regret, for just a small while, and he feels like he'd never want to stop, but when his hooves start to look like prunes, he shuts off the water and goes off to dry himself.
When he's done he feels and looks like an all new pony, his fur is no longer stained with dirt, his mane and tail no longer frazzled, but instead straight. He brings up his journal using his magic and even though he hates it, he thinks back to his dream and starts scribbling.
Journal entry 71, October 25th
I had a horrible dream last night, when I finally fell asleep I dreamt of my past. I dreamt that I was with the purple unicorn in my room, we were having a good time listening to the radio. I remembered that on that day it was 11 days since my parents' death. We started discussing who had the worst foalhood and we ended up in a fight, a fight that I... finished. I entered a state of pure anger and started beating her until she was no longer alive. Not until after did I realize what I had done, and I regret it with all of my heart. At that point someone knocked on the door and I had to make an escape. I gave her body a kiss before jumping out the window and running away.
As tears start to make their way to his eyes he shuts the journal and puts it back, suppressing the tears he packs the last things into his saddlebags, and starts to move on, once again guided by nothing but the vague memories of his foalhood.