Twilight Sparkle Makes a Coltfriend... Literally

by Georg

4. Field Testing

“Applejack?” Twilight Sparkle poked her nose in the front door of Sweet Apple Acres’ farmhouse, and the crowded kitchen beyond it. Dawn had broken and breakfast was well underway, with flapjacks, fresh buttered rolls, and an iced pitcher of apple juice, all rapidly vanishing to fuel a hard day’s work.

“Hey, Twilight! Come on in and pull up a plate.”

She did take a step inside, and before Twilight Sparkle realized it, she was seated with a heaping stack of syrup-drenched apple pancakes in front of her. After taking a fork in her magic and proceeding to scientifically divide the flapjack into equal volume pieces, Twilight said, “I really didn’t come out here for breakfast. Although they’re very good,” she added around her first bite.

“Oh, I bet you done showed up to pick up your cloth cutie,” said Applejack.

“Her what?” asked Apple Bloom through the crumbs and syrup smeared across her face.

“That colt she done made in her lab to help with her dating issues.” Applejack stole a brief glance out of the corner of her eye to where Big Mac was sitting rather uncomfortably at the head end of the table. His bandages had been off for several days so far, but his mane still had not quite grown out to its previous ragged length.

“Oh,” said Apple Bloom, “so she won’t be setting Big Mac on—”

“It was an accident,” protested Twilight through a mouthful of flapjacks. “I’m getting much better with Nimbus’ help, so in a few weeks, I should be able to take your brother out for another date without any fire involved at all! You set one date on fire,” she ended with a grumble.

“So you got your heart set on another coltfriend and you’re still plannin’ on taking out Big Mac?” asked Granny Smith with a spark of anger growing in her eye. “Ain’t that a little underhoofed, or is this somethin’ princesses do, like all them handsome stallions Celestia keeps around her boo-dwah?”

The spray of half-chewed flapjacks would have reached the other side of the room, if most of it had not been blocked by Applejack and Big Mac’s faces.

“She doesn’t keep the guard for a harem!” spluttered Twilight. “Well, she might have had intercourse with one or two of them, and heaven only knows what Luna is up to at night, and Cadence… Well, there’s Shining Armor, and… Look, just because the princesses have seeeeeeee….”

Twilight Sparkle liked to think of herself as a teacher. From the glowing expression of anticipatory glee on Apple Bloom’s face, she was looking forward to learning a lesson.

Applejack looked like she was about to take the teacher out back of the woodshed.

“I wouldn’t know,” said Twilight, backpedaling as fast as a clown on a unicycle. “I don’t have any experience in that regard at all.”

Applejack shook her head while they walked down the sunlit rows of sweet corn, but Twilight Sparkle did not look as if she were enjoying the exercise at all. Twilight’s ears remained pinned flat, and her head hung low in a way that would have prompted a week’s worth of posture lessons from Rarity.

“You just hadja keep digging. Not only did you get ‘the lecture,’ yer gonna have Granny Smith along with Big Mac if’n you take him out for another date. You know, she takes her teeth out and cleans ‘em at the table if she thinks things ain’t going well, don’t ‘cha?”

“No, and I didn’t want to know,” grumbled Twilight.

“Ah reckon we was gonna have to have that talk about the bees and the birds eventually with Apple Bloom anyway. You just encouraged things along, and we got two taught for the price of one.” Applejack cocked an eyebrow at her grumbling friend. “So, did you learn anything from Granny’s lecture?”

Twilight Sparkle flicked her tail viciously at a nearby stalk of corn. “I don’t know why everypony thinks I’m some blushing-cheeked virgin. I know all kinds of things about… that. I read books!” she finished with a defensive snap.

Applejack did not say a word.

“Not those kind of books. Scientific books. With pictures and diagrams!”

“Uh-huh. Maybe you should try some of them other kind of books. When Big Mac got out of the emergency room and back to the house after your date, he spent a long time looking up words in our dictionary. Blushed redder than ever afterwards, and he ain’t never looked at a pump handle the same since.”

“We’ll work on that,” came Nimbus’ voice drifting over the field of corn.

Once they walked around the edge of a clearing in the corn field and saw where the cloth doll was positioned, Twilight Sparkle turned on Applejack like an angry dog. “Just what do you think you were doing with Nimbus!”

“Hey, Twilight. It’s fine. I volunteered when Applejack asked for my help,” called out Nimbus from his perch on the pole. “Besides, I got to spend all night out among the stars, and I made a few new friends.” The doll tilted his head so the hat perched on it went forward and revealed the two fat blackbirds dozing on the rim. “They’re poor conversationalists, but they’re better than geese.”

“An’ they’re stuffed plum full of my corn!” Applejack made a little dance around the clearing while fuming. “Get on outta here, you no-account varmints.”

“Hey, you just said to watch your corn,” said Nimbus, still propped up on the pole above Applejack’s reach. “Whoa!” he added when Applejack kicked the pole and the doll’s perch shifted. “Careful, or you’ll knock us down.”

One last thump of hooves and Nimbus tumbled down with the blackbirds taking wing and flying away. The doll did not fly, but in fact struck the ground with a solid thump and just remained sprawled out across the ground.

“Nimbus?” Applejack prodded the doll with one hoof. “Did I break you? Come on, say something.”

“He’s out of power again,” said Twilight while lighting her horn. “He’s about as needy as some of my dates have been.”

“An’ after I done gave him my second-best hat to wear, too,” grumbled Applejack while retrieving it. “Ah thought it’d give him a little more crow-repelling power than the scarecrow I done had up there before.” She jammed the hat down on the straw-filled dummy at the bottom of the pole, but jumped back when Twilight’s magic surrounded it too, and floated the scarecrow back to the top of the pole.

Nimbus stood up with a stretch and a yawn. “That’s better,” he announced before looking Twilight in the face, then tilting his head to one side to get a better look at a particularly sticky patch of syrup on her cheek.

“Yeah, I’m a mess,” admitted Twilight. “We worked through most of the night to get all the forms done for your creation.”

“Past-due paperwork is the pits,” said Nimbus. “What would you say to a morning at the spa in compensation, M’lady? It’s been a very nice night, but now that you’re here, I’m set to jet and ready to roll.”

“Oh, I couldn’t.” Twilight Sparkle held a hoof to her chest and blinked rapidly. “I mean I need to get back to the castle and make sure Spike is up and at work—”

“The dragon who’d sleep ‘til afternoon if you let him,” drawled Applejack.

“—and I’ve got reshelving to do, and… and…”

“And you’d do all that work instead of going out for a practice date like you made me for?” Nimbus cocked his head almost sideways. “I suppose I could take Applejack instead.”

“What? No!” Twilight frowned, then caught herself. “Oh! You were trying to make me jealous! So neat! I didn’t know the enchantments were capable of that level of subterfuge.”

Applejack did not look nearly so happy. “You mean he’s a liar.”

The doll gave out a short gasp and staggered back with one hoof over his heart… or whatever stuffing he had in there. “I’m insulted! I really am. And I was going to invite you along to double-date.”

“With who?” asked Applejack, before following Nimbus’ gaze upward to the scarecrow dangling on the pole. “Oh, har, dee har har.” She shifted her fierce gaze from the doll to the giggling princess at its side. “Twi, you ever do this again, you make one that don’t look so darned innocent. And keep it away from Rainbow Dash.”

Nimbus, with his hoof still on his chest, turned to the giggling Twilight. “Two of us? How risqué!”

“And Rarity,” added Applejack in a flat monotone.

“As long as I can still be around Pinkie Pie, that’s fine. It helps make Twilight laugh, and making her happy, makes me complete.”

“Well…” Applejack considered the mismatched pair and shook her head. “Ah swear, if’n that’s the only benefit you get outa him, I suppose it’s worth it. You two better get on out to your spa visit. Maybe you can get your coltfriend ironed.”

The lunch date at the small Ponyville cafe was going quite well, with discussion between two ponies and plates of food to enjoy, until a certain rainbow-maned pegasus swooped down out of the sky and snapped up everything on one plate in a single bite.

Of course, Rainbow Dash promptly landed in the grass to one side of the table and proceeded to hack and gag until she had spit it all back out again.

“That’s wax!” she shouted once she could talk again.

“Of course it’s wax,” said Nimbus. “I needed some food for my plate to balance the table and make it feel more like a real date, so I borrowed some from Pinkie Pie. And I think I owe her five bits,” he added. “She bet that something like this would happen.”

“A date is like a party just for two,” came Pinkie’s voice out of a conveniently placed bush nearby. “Or three, in special circumstances.”

Rainbow Dash joined Twilight Sparkle in a fit of the giggles. “Okay, that does it. I gotta get one of those too.”

“Thought I’d heard you all over here.” Applejack strolled up to the table and looked at the aftermath. “Won’t Pinkie Pie get jealous of you goin’ pranking with another pony?”

“Naa,” scoffed Rainbow with a dismissive flip of the wrist. “I’ll have Twi make me one that looks like Pinkie Pie and her one that looks like me, so when we go out pranking, we each always have a baillie.”

“Alibi,” corrected Twilight through her giggles.

“You can make one of those too? Sweet!” Rainbow Dash punched a hoof into the sky.

“No! It’s… Never mind.” Twilight dabbed her lips with a napkin. “I’m not going to make any more Type Six golems until I know exactly how well this one functions.”

Nimbus cleared his nonexistent throat and ‘whistled’ innocently, which made Twilight Sparkle blush.

“Not that way!”

“Didn’t say a word,” said Nimbus. “Just sitting here.”

“Yeah, you kinda flew right into that one, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash. “Like a pegasus into a skylight.”

“Yep, it was a good one,” said Applejack, with a serious expression. “But it probably ain’t something a polite stallion should do to their date.”

“True.” Nimbus got up from his seat, turned to Twilight, and dropped to one cloth knee. “I am truly sorry about that. I was only born the day before yesterday, but that’s no excuse. Will you accept my apology, M’lady?”

Twilight only blushed more, until her ears were bright red and all of her friends began to intently observe things away from the table.

“Welp, we’re just gonna let you two get on with your morning date.” Applejack hip-checked Rainbow Dash off the chair she had climbed on. “Come on, RD. An’ you too, Pinkie.”

The trio walked for a short distance before Rainbow Dash cast a look over her shoulder and asked, “We’re still going to watch them from a distance, right?”

“Durned tootin,” said Applejack.

It was a rather subdued group of friends who gathered together at the Ponyville train depot when Twilight Sparkle and her companion glided down to a landing. Pinkie Pie had just finished hanging up her ‘Welcome Back From The Crystal Empire Starlight Glimmer’ banner while the rest of them were just sitting and talking, but all conversation stopped at the same time Twilight did.

“Not a bad landing,” said Rainbow Dash. “You’re getting better at transitioning from a glide to a slow walk.”

“The practice certainly is helping,” said Fluttershy before cringing back. “I mean not that we’ve been watching you two practice flying today.”

“Or walking through the meadow, picking flowers,” chirped Pinkie Pie with a bouncy-bounce that bounded over the both of them, scattering wildflower petals in her wake.

Applejack wisely remained silent, although she did squirm a little.

“I know all of you have been watching us today,” said Twilight, reaching into her saddlebag and pulling out some scrolls. “Even you, Applejack. So I want you to write up what you’ve seen and I’ll add it to my research journal.”

“Ahem,” said Rarity, looking at the scroll with the same enthusiasm she had for burlap cloth. “Does that include the time I saw the two of you behind a bush, rubbing noses?”

The light magenta of Twilight’s magic formed around Rarity’s scroll and fairly yanked it back into the originating saddlebag.

“That sounds pretty interesting,” said Applejack, sitting down and opening up her new scroll. “Lots more exciting than watchin’ them two stroll through Sweet Apple Acres, yakking back and forth. Don’t spare none of the details an’ we’ll get ‘em writ down real pretty for you.”

Applejack’s scroll was reclaimed in a similar manner, then after a moment, the rest of them too.

“Does this mean I’m not supposed to write it down for Princess Celestia?” asked Spike. After a smoldering look in response, he got out a checklist and wordlessly crossed off an item on it.

“Anyway,” huffed Twilight, “Starlight Glimmer will be here shortly, and she will be properly appreciative of my experiment.”

The train had barely screeched to a halt when the door to the first car sprang open and a unicorn bounded out onto the platform. “Welcome to my adoring fans, young and old. The Great and Powerful Trixie is grateful for this reception, and is willing to sign autographs for a modest sum, so please line up and have your bits ready.”

“Trixie!” shouted Pinkie Pie, bounding forward to give the posing showmare a hug. “Did you bump into Starlight Glimmer in the Crystal Empire and follow her back to Ponyville in order to find out how Twilight Sparkle made a coltfriend out of cloth so you could get her to make one too and travel Equestria with your own assistant who won’t mind if he get sawed in half or burnt a little or collect too much of the gate receipts and run away with the ticket seller again?”

“Uh…” Trixie tried to take a step backwards, but was well and firmly Pinkie-trapped. “Yes?” she ventured with no small amount of hesitation.

“Well, you’re going to have to get in line, because all of us tried him out yesterday, even Applejack, who had him all last night and said he did one heck of a job.”

Going from snickering to choking in one abrupt breath, Applejack spluttered, “That ain’t what happened! Ah had him stuck up in mah orchard all night long!”

Once her mind caught up with her mouth, Applejack promptly reddened up to the point where she was indistinguishable from most of her apples, and might have dug her hole deeper if Starlight Glimmer had not chosen that moment to step out of the train. She took in the gathering of ponies there to welcome her with a growing smile, which only lasted until she spotted Nimbus. Taking two steps forward, Starlight examined the cloth golem with wide eyes before turning to a beaming Twilight Sparkle in a voice just one step away from panic.

“Twilight! What have you done?”

The reunion had been moved by popular vote to the Castle of Friendship with a little more speed than the paper banner had been able to stand. It now fluttered rather forlornly over the crystal map with Starlight Glimmer’s luggage tossed to one side and Trixie still sulking due to missing her place in the limelight.

“Trixie does not see why you are upset at Sparkle’s new toy. It is rather handsome and well-stitched, although Trixie is quite sure she could do much better, if given the time.”

“Are you having dating problems too?” asked Nimbus. “I would have thought a talented unicorn such as yourself would have stallions lining up to go out with you.”

“Look, Twilight. I know this sounds strange coming from me, but this—” Starlight Glimmer waved one hoof at the stuffed stallion standing stoically to one side “—is not right. It’s not normal to make a Type Four golem with this kind of response pattern.”

“Hey!” objected Trixie. “Let him finish.”

“He’s a Type Six golem, and I put a lot of hard work into him. I mean making him,” corrected Twilight. “It was hard work to get all the spells to work together, and took a lot of magic, but the results speak for themselves. Tell her, Nimbus.”

The doll remained in the same position it had been in after talking to Trixie and said nothing.

“Oh. Heheheh.” Twilight lit her horn and focused on the immobile doll. “Sorry. He takes a lot of recharging.”

“Reminds me of somepony,” said Applejack, giving Rainbow Dash a nudge with one elbow.

After one bright light that made the castle glitter brighter than the sun outside, Twilight swept a hoof in the direction of Nimbus. “See, he’s charged up and ready to go.”

Starlight Glimmer paused and looked underneath the subject of their discussion.

“Not in that way,” hissed Twilight. “He’s going to help me with my romantic inexpertise. I’ll worry about… that aspect of dating later. Perverts,” she finished with a low grumble.

“At least my coltfriend has a pulse,” snapped Starlight, followed by a bright blush and the immediate backtracking. “Sunburst’s not my coltfriend, I mean. He’s a friend, not like this…”

“Abomination of nature?” prompted Spike after a suitable silence.

“Not quite,” said Starlight. “This thing is the end result of I don’t know how many spells. It’s a maze of competing enchantments that you can’t possibly know how or even why it works!”

“Ah,” said Spike. “An abomination of science. Got it.”

“Yeah, I suppose.” Starlight abruptly turned to Twilight and gasped, “You’re not sleeping with it, are you?”

Twilight Sparkle fluffed up her wings and scowled. “Of course not!”

“So, do you lock it up at night in a secure chest?”

“No,” admitted Twilight.

“Some sort of shielded enclosure? A locked room? Do you even have some enchanted manacles?”

Fluttershy raised one hoof as if she were about to offer a loan, then slowly put it back down again.

“I’ve got a box I was thinking about using,” admitted Twilight with a pained expression directed at the floor.

“Is that the big cardboard box the new icebox came in, that you stored in the junk room?” asked Spike.

Twilight nodded, a brief motion that could only be discerned by close measurement or long personal experience.

“The one where you put a towel into the bottom?” added Spike with the same slow delivery of somepony putting a stack of wood on a campfire, one stick at a time. “And a bowl of water? Really? I thought you were getting a puppy.”

“Do you want one?” chirped Fluttershy, sitting up with wide-eyed eagerness.

“Not… right now,” said Twilight.

Starlight Glimmer took a deep breath and tapped the chalkboard. “Focus. We’re discussing the golem.”

“So, no puppy?” asked Fluttershy.

“No puppy,” confirmed Starlight. “Now, getting back to the topic at hoof. Where has the golem been stored at night? Other than last night,” she added, looking at a rapidly reddening Applejack.

Spike spoke up before Twilight could say a word. “Before that, Twilight was still locked in her lab, making it.”

“Spike!” snapped Twilight before pausing. “Oh. Yes. Technically true, just… Nevermind.”

Starlight shook her head. “Look, I’ve been in the Crystal Empire for the last few days, and I’ve gotten really familiar with the dark magic used there.”

“Well, that’s comforting to know,” said Spike.

Twilight Sparkle put on her best discouraging expression and said, “Spiiiiike.”

“Anyway,” said Starlight before a conflict could begin, “Dark Magic can be sneaky. Why don’t we sit down with your… thing, pull it apart—”

“Wait a minute,” objected Nimbus.

“—and see what makes it tick.”

Nimbus held up his wrist. “That’s just because I think she may have sewed a watch inside me.”

“We’re not taking him apart,” said Twilight with a sharp edge to her words. “I spent a lot of effort doing Nimbus…. I mean making it. I mean putting Nimbus together. We’re going to go practice dating all day tomorrow if possible.”

“The whole day?” Starlight put on her best skeptical expression. “You’ll catch him on fire or—”

“One pony!” snapped Twilight. “You set one pony… well, two ponies on fire, three at the absolute maximum, and that’s all anypony can talk about! Besides, he’s fireproof.”

“Yep, tried it,” said Spike.

“Well…” Starlight slowed to a halt, regarded the problem at hoof, and gingerly gave it a poke. “Just in the event that he’s dangerous, because you could be wrong, after all. Where are you going to store him tonight?”

“I could turn him into a teacup,” suggested Trixie. “Then we could store him in the china hutch with the rest of them.”