//------------------------------// // Part 1: Ponies Don't Normally Stand on Two Legs // Story: Celestia's Chosen Hero... is Carl? // by Joey JoJo Shabadoo //------------------------------// Floating amidst the endless abyss is a tired soul, lost within the all encompassing darkness. As he drifts aimlessly through the void between worlds, the soul slowly begins to awaken from it’s slumber, confused and weary... “Where am I…?” “It’s so dark… I can’t see anything… or feel anything….” “Is this sleep paralysis… or, am I dead…?” “Did I die….? I don’t remember…” "..." “Oh, god… I died didn’t I….?” “...” “Shit…. so this is what death is like…?” “Just floating around in nothingness for all eternity…” “...” “...” “God, this is boring…” “...” “What’s that? It’s faint, but I can see a light in the distance. Well, at least one of my senses are still working.” “It’s getting closer, but is it getting closer to me, or am I getting closer to it?” “It’s getting bright." "Real bright." "Too bright!" "OH SHIT!” The soul crashed to the ground with a loud thump. Disorientated from the fall, his senses returned to him all at once. “Goddammit! That hurt!” He cried, rubbing his head. “I’m so sorry.” A concerned voice responded. “It seems I’m a little rusty when it comes to inter-dimensional travel spells.” She laughed. “Inter-dimension-...the fuck you talking about?” The lost soul’s irritation subsided for a moment, something wasn't quite right with what he was seeing. There, standing before him was a tall, white horse, with a large horn on its head and a bluish, purple mane, that seemed to flow in perpetual motion. He was dumbfounded by the creature, who he assumed, only existed in mere legend and fairy tales. “What the hell…?” He mumbled to himself as he analysed the creature, scanning over every corner of his brain for information in order to make sure that what he was seeing wasn’t just some hallucination. “I am truly sorry for startling you like this and for dropping you on your head.” The large horse continued. “But, our world will be in great danger soon, and I fear you may be our only chance at survival.” The lost soul was hardly paying attention, the mere fact that this horse just spoke to him only distracted him with more questions, but not one to sweat the details he instead opted to simply ask: “Are you a unicorn, or something?” “Oh, excuse me, I haven’t introduced myself yet. My name is Princess Celestia, I am the ruler of this land we call Equestria.” She expressed with a graceful bow. “So, you are a unicorn?” Celestia spread her massive wings. “Well, alicorn technically, but what about you? What is your name?” “Carl.” Celestia looked on expectantly, hoping to garner more information, but soon realised this was all she was going to get. “Is… is that it?” “Yep.” “Well, Carl. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Celestia reached out her hoof for a hoofshake, but Carl didn’t even register it as a gesture, ignoring it completely. “Neat… look, I don’t know what’s going on, but.. Wah!” Carl attempted to stand upright, but quickly lost his balance, toppling over into a closet behind him as he was smothered by a myriad of clothing. “What the hell happened to my legs!? It’s like my knees are locked, I can't get up!” “I’m sorry, Carl, but ponies don’t normally walk on their hind legs.” Celestia chuckled to herself. “What the hell are you talking about?” “Perhaps this will clear things up.” Celestia opened the closet door to reveal a mirror on the inside. As Carl peered into it, his mind slowly came to grips with the frightening reality of his situation. “What the fuck…?” He had no hands or feet. “What the fuck!?” He had brown fur and a dark brown mane, long and unkempt. “WHAT THE FUCK!” He jolted onto his hooves, repeatedly looking back and forth between himself and his reflection. He tried to convince himself that this was all a mistake, a trick of the eyes, a bad dream or an illusion, but the mirror didn’t lie and he wasn’t waking up. “What the fuck did you do to me!?” He leapt out of the closet, tearing off miscellaneous clothing as his anger returned in full force. “Well, in order for you to better adapt to this world and not draw any unwanted attention, I may have… forcibly transformed you into a pony.” “You did WHAT!?” “There’s no need to threat, Carl. Equestria is populated by all kinds of wonderful ponies, I’m sure you’ll fit right in and make new friends in no time.” She answered with blind optimism. “That’s not the problem, you idiot! I am not some god damn horse! I am a human! A man! I’m supposed to have hands not hooves! I’m supposed to walk on two legs not four! I-” Carl suddenly gasped in horror. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY WANG!?” “Your what?” "You know what I'm talking about!" Carl lifted his hind leg and without hesitation, pointed directly at his crotch. “My wang! Where is it!?” “Oh, my…” Celestia’s face lit up like a red light bulb. She couldn't remember the last time a pony was so… forward with her. Although she did feel as if she owed him an explanation. Too embarrassed to speak of such things aloud, she leaned into Carl’s ear and whispered the explanation instead. “Ew…” He replied. “Sorry I asked.... Look, could you just turn me back to normal, this is dumb.” “I can’t.” “What!? Why!?” “Tearing open a gateway to another universe and bringing one of its inhabitants to Equestria is a rather difficult and trying task. Add on top of that the transformation spell and I’m afraid I’m all tapped out at the moment.” “You… you can’t be serious. This is bullshit! You can’t just drag someone out of their universe against their will, transform them into some animal and then NOT BE ABLE TO FIX IT!” “Indeed, it was wrong of me to force you into this predicament, but I only did it because I know you can save us...” “Why didn’t you just ask?” “I was certain you’d refuse.” “Well… actually yeah, I would refuse, but that’s not the point!” “Actually, the fact that you would refuse, is the very reason I chose you.” “What…” Carl couldn’t even begin to imagine what that was supposed to mean, he was far too angry to think about it. “Oh, fuck you. I’m not playing your stupid mind games, just send me back home already.” “I told you, I can’t.” "But… but…” Carl took a moment to let out a frustrated and defeated scream. Their conversation was just going in circles at this point. “Fine, how long before your magic recharges, or however that works...” “It could take a few days, or weeks, possibly months.” “Oh, god, just kill me now…” “Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Carl. I think, given enough time, you’ll find Equestria to be a very welcoming and wonderful place to stay. You'll have lots of friendly ponies to meet and fun activities to experience and before you even know it, you’ll be ready to go home in no time. Just think of it like a vacation.” “Oh, boy, what a stellar vacation. Being a fuckin’ horse for a day... or a week... or a month…” There was a moment of pause, during which Carl seemed to have calmed himself down, more or less. Now that he’d been given a minute to breathe, he suddenly realised how large and decorative the room he was in actually was. A massive rug, soft cushioned chairs, a dresser covered in jewelry and a large bed, smothered with what looked like the softest quilts imaginable, fitting for a princess and yet, somehow, Carl still managed to land right on the hard, marble floor. The thought of his awful luck put him in a sour mood, again. “Hey!” He called, as Celestia headed for the door. “Did you summon me in your bedroom? What the hell is going on, here? What are you planning?” “You’ll find out in due time, but for now, would you care to join me for a walk? It’ll help you get used to your new body.” “Fine…” Carl followed Celestia into the hallway. The massive, foreboding hallway, decorated with large, stain glass windows and a velvety carpet. It was all far too lavish for his tastes. The two strolled down the hall, without saying a single word to each other. Carl didn’t have time to talk as he was still figuring out how to walk properly in his new body, it felt strange at first, but he soon found his center of gravity and was walking like a pro in no time. Upon reaching the end of the hallway and turning down the left most corridor, Celestia finally decided to speak up. “So, how does your new body feel? You don’t seem to be having any trouble keeping up with me.” “I’m getting used to it disturbingly quickly.” “Well, that’s certainly an improvement over falling on your rear all the time.” She smiled. Carl was still having trouble fully grasping the situation he was in. He didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, shout or do anything. He’d been tossed so far out of his comfort zone, his mind didn’t know what the appropriate reaction should be, so he barely reacted at all, instead opting to just soak it all in or lash out aggressively when angered. “Ah, my dear sister Luna. Just finished your night shift, I see.” Standing before Carl was another large pony. She wasn’t as tall as Celestia, but still towered over him. Her coat and mane were a much darker blue in stark contrast to Celestia’s white. It wasn’t just their appearances that contrasted each other however, as opposed to Celestia’s cheery demeanour, this pony looked downright miserable and exhausted. She looked down at Carl with a grumpy glare. “What the hell are you looking at?” Carl sneered. Her gaze was drawn back to Celestia. “Sister, are you absolutely sure about this?” “Of course. Have I been wrong before?” “I am too tired to recall…” “Don't worry yourself, Luna. You go rest those tired eyes and just leave everything to me.” “You mean leave everything to him?” She pointed her hoof at Carl, who questioned her with a flat: “What?” “Oh, don’t listen to her, Carl.” Celestia urged. “She’s just a little crabby. Not much of a morning pony.” Luna was too tired to continue their half-baked conversation and simply returned to her chambers. “So, who the hell was that?” Carl asked. “That was my sister, Princess Luna. She raises the Moon every night and watches over the citizens of Equestria through the dream realm. While I take over and raise the Sun in the morning.” “You can raise the Sun, but you can’t send me home, huh?” “I’m sorry, but raising a star, several times larger than the planet can be a little draining.” “Gotcha…. you lazy bitch…” Carl muttered. “What was that?” “I said ‘I can’t get this itch’, you know, because of the hooves. They’re very awkward.” “You’ll get used to them in time.” For a brief moment, Carl felt the heat of the Sun in Celestia’s glare, he wasn’t entirely convinced she actually fell for that cheap ploy, but he was still in one piece and that’s all that mattered. They continued down the hallway until they eventually bumped into another of Celestia’s acquaintances. “Good morning my Princess. Another beautiful sunrise, as always.” “Unis, just because I’m your boss doesn’t mean you have to shower me with praise. A simple ‘good morning’ is fine.” “M-my apologies…” The pony standing before them was a unicorn with a grey coat, and a long silver mane, dressed in golden armour. This was the first pony Carl had seen that was of similar build to himself, but this one had a horn. He wondered why he didn’t have one, but rather than asking about that, he instead blurted out: “Who’s the dork?” “What was that?” Insulted, the grey pony turned his attention to Carl. Although he tried to act intimidating and stern, Carl saw right through him. He was clearly shaken, nervous and easily agitated, which was obvious from the way he acted around Celestia and from how he reacted to Carl, who just couldn’t resist taking advantage of said insecurity to poke fun at the guard for his own amusement. “I said ‘Who’s the dork?’” He repeated with an arrogant smile. “Mind your tongue when speaking to your superior.” "My superior? Aw man, this guy means business, I'm shaking over here." Carl mocked. "But seriously, in what universe could a dork like you possibly be considered my superior?” The very idea that Carl would ask such a question insulted the 'dork' further. “A simple question. I worked diligently to obtain my position, while you are just a commoner. That makes me your superior by default, therefore I demand your respect.” “Woah… looks like someone’s getting a little upset, might want to back the fuck up there, buddy, respect is earned not demanded.” “A Royal Guard must always assert his superiority over the common fools who dare challenge them. I suggest you don’t test my patience any further.” “The only thing you’re my superior in, is being a massive sperglord.” “I do not know what this ‘sperglord’ means, but it sounds like an insult.” “Well, aren't you the fastest horse in the stable. Maybe you should channel some of that extra brain power into pulling that stick out of your ass.” The grey pony was infuriated, he had never met someone so blatantly insulting. The ponies of Canterlot were refined and dignified, a far cry from the typical riffraff, but from seemingly nowhere and for seemingly no reason, he was suddenly being mocked by a mere commoner. A commoner that clearly held no respect for the Royal Guard. The grey pony marched up to Carl, getting right in his face. Carl could barely contain his laughter, amazed by how hard this horse had bitten down on his obvious bait. It was as if banter were a foreign concept to him. “How dare you dishonour the Captain of the Royal Guard with such insolent behaviour. Another word and I will personally escort you to the deepest, darkest dungeon of this castle.” Carl couldn’t help himself, he honestly tried to control himself, but he couldn’t take the strain, if he held back any longer, his lungs would surely burst and so, he let out a hearty laugh. “Oh, shit… forget the stick, this guy’s got the entire fucking tree up there. Was this a part of your training or has your asshole always been that flexible?” “Disgraceful! I am arresting you this instant!” Blinded by rage, the Guard raised his hoof to Carl, which he took as a threat, hopping out of his range. “You wanna fight, bro?” Carl taunted. “I hope you're better at taking punches than you are with mean words!” Before the two of them could square off, Celestia finally intervened, levitating Carl above her and away from his opponent. “Woah, what the fuck…” “That’s enough, Carl.” She ordered. “Princess.” The grey pony addressed. “Who is that insolent child?” “My apologies, Unis. Carl is rather confrontational at the moment, but he is an honoured guest here in Canterlot, so please refrain from throwing him in any dungeons.” “How, in the name of the Sun, did such a vulgar colt, earn such high status?” “Earn is a strong word, but please, if he misbehaves at all, just leave him to me, okay?” “As you wish, Princess.” As the grey pony left, he took one final glance at Carl, who embraced his childishness and stuck his tongue out. He couldn’t even remember why he started drilling into the guard in the first place, but at this point, he simply enjoyed toying with him. The grey pony leered, before taking his leave down the unending hallway. “What a fuckin’ try hard.” Carl surmised. Celestia returned Carl to the ground and explained. “That was Unis Guardna. He is the Captain of the Royal Guard of Canterlot, although he is still rather new and inexperienced.” “And has no sense of humour, apparently.” “Well… he’s just very proud. Becoming Captain of the Royal Guard is no easy task.” “Whatever, I’m sure we won’t be seeing each other again, anytime soon.” The two ponies finally came to the end of the longest hallway, all that was left was to traverse down the stairs. Naturally, Celestia strolled down with ease, as if she’d done it before. She was about to speak, but was distracted by an amusing sight. She looked back to find Carl near the top of the staircase, meticulously placing one hoof in front of the other, taking as much time as he needed to pass each step without tripping over himself while desperately trying to keep his balance. “Are you alright, Carl?” She laughed. “Shut up! Walking in a straight line is one thing, but stairs feel super weird on all fours.” Carl looked ahead of him, but noticing just how many stairs were left made him feel a little ill. “I think I’m getting vertigo...” “Would you like some help?” “No! No, no… I got this! Just, give a minute… or ten…” With Celestia watching, Carl took extra care not to make a fool of himself and soon started working his body into a rhythm. After a couple of minutes of nervous baby steps, he soon started walking at a moderate pace until he eventually made it down the stairs and without a single misstep. Carl breathed a sigh of relief. “Damn, that was way harder than it should have been…” “Well, now that you’ve conquered the stairs, it’s time I showed you something, Carl.” “It’s not more stairs, is it?” “Of course not.” Celestia shined her magic on the stain glass windows in front of them. They were much more elaborate than the ones from the hallways, with the light reflecting off of them being nothing short of dazzling. “You dragged me all the way here to show me your art collection?” Carl questioned, shielding his eyes from the bright light. “Carl, there’s more to these windows than their artistic merits, each one tells a story. A classical tale of heroism, where no matter how great the evil or how hopeless the battle, so long as you have the courage to believe, the Magic of Friendship will always help you prevail.” “Gay...” Celestia chose to ignore that comment. “Tell me, Carl. What do you see in this window?” “What? Uh….” Carl wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be looking for, so he merely stated the obvious. “I see… Six little horses and… one big horse… and a moon, or something… I don’t know….” “This window represents the battle between the six Elements of Harmony and their struggle against the villainous Nightmare Moon. One thousand years ago, Nightmare Moon attempted to usurp me of my throne and throw the world into eternal night and so, I banished her to the Moon. When she woke a thousand years later, the new wielders of the Elements of Harmony used their powers to defeat her, returning her to her original form. Now she rules along side me once again, as Princess Luna.” “Riveting... and I should care about this, because?” “I just thought you’d be interested in our kingdom’s history, aren’t you the least bit shocked that I’m over a thousand years old?” “No, you seem about that age.” Celestia laughed nervously. “I suppose I walked right into that one… any who, on to the next one.” “Oh, god, there’s more?” “Of course, knowledge of Equestrian history will be invaluable to you during your stay. Now, Carl, what do you see in this window?” “Uh… Oh, it’s those same horses from before… and… are they fighting a fucking chicken snake? It’s a little early to be delivering the punchline, now, Celestia.” Carl chuckled. “That creature is no joke. This window depicts the battle with the God of Chaos, Discord. A thousand years ago, he reigned over Equestria before the Elements of Harmony turned him to stone. When he returned, he attempted to plunge Equestria into chaos once again, but was defeated, again, by the Elements of Harmony. These days he much prefers to spend his time lounging around taking naps with the occasional tea party.” “Geez... Hope you don't plan on neutering me that badly.” “This next window is a little different. It depicts the battle with King Sombra, who returned after being sealed away for a thousand years.” “I’m sensing a pattern here…” “He attempted to reclaim control over the Crystal Empire, but his plans were thwarted by the Elements and the Crystal Heart, destroying him.” “Destroying him…? Wait… you killed him!? Like, he’s dead!? Shit... you ponies don’t fuck around…” “Well, when you say it like that it does sound a little extreme, but dark magic always finds a way to revive itself, we can’t make any assumptions, I’m sure he’s still out there, somewhere...” “Well, if he ain’t here now, then who gives a shit?” “You certainly have an… interesting outlook on life.” “I just don’t like wasting time on trivial shit.” “Well, then you’ll be pleased to know that this next window is the last one I wish to show you.” “Thank god.” “This one depicts the battle between the Elements of Harmony and Lord Tirek. He appeared a thousand years ago, to steal the magic of Equestria for himself, but was banished to Tartarus. When he escaped, he nearly succeeded in his plan to steal all the magic in Equestria, but the Elements of Harmony stripped him of his powers and returned him to Tartarus. I know this is a lot to take in at once, but do you have any thoughts or questions about what you've just learned, Carl?” To Celestia’s shock Carl actually seemed to be thinking, even mumbling to himself. “...a thousand years, again…?” “Carl?” “What? Oh… nah, not really. All sounds like some gay legend you pulled out your ass to teach the kiddies. I doubt any of this shit really happened.” “Actually, Carl, it did happen, not too long ago. In fact, for your next task, I’d like to introduce you to the current wielders of the Elements of Harmony.” “Next task? Excuse me, but I don’t recall ever agreeing to working with you. In fact I don’t recall being given any kind of choice in this at all.” “Indeed, but I obviously didn’t summon you here just to lecture you. Carl, this world needs your help. A great evil is regaining its power, they could even be watching us this very instant, but even so, with your help, I know we can defeat them.” “Oh yeah?” Carl thought aloud.  “And what’s stopping me from ditching you entirely, walking right out that door and never coming back?” “Well, nothing, of course, but I can't even imagine how difficult it would be out there for you, all by yourself. Completely unaware of the rules and customs of this land. You certainly wouldn’t be getting home anytime soon.” “Are you blackmailing me?” Celestia laughed as she ruffled Carl’s mane with her hoof. “Oh, Carl, you need to lighten up a little. Now, let’s hurry along, we have a carriage outside waiting to take us to Ponyville.” As Celestia headed for the doors, Carl was at a loss for words. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t get a read on this woman. He couldn’t tell if she was some kind of mastermind or just plain crazy, or possibly both. “Hey!” He called. “You didn’t answer my question! Hey!” Of course, Carl never received an answer.