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// Chapter 2 If the cat's have pajamas what do dogs use? 
// Story: A Collaberative Conundrum 
// by Not Professor Kokonoe 
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When I arrived in the port city of Baltimare, the first thing I saw when I picked up a local newspaper was a human, sitting side-by-side with a unicorn that I knew from the show as Sunburst, and the subsequent article that detailed said human’s accomplishments in advancing Equestrian science, technology, and magical prowess. He looked young; in fact he couldn’t have been over twenty. Compared to Sunburst, I guesstimated his height at six feet at the least, close to my own six feet, two inches. I was still young and growing after all, though I doubt I would ever match my mother’s towering 25 feet on all fours, but I could dream.

    The first words out of my mouth were: “Well, I’ll be.” In all honesty I should not have been as surprised as I was, since I existed as I did now. Regardless, the presence of a run of the mill human and what he was doing could not go unattended. As I was no longer actually looking at the paper, I tossed it back on the stand, and my mind raced as I thought about what he could have brought with him other than just his brain.

My two guards Khama’at and Mereneith, unfamiliar with Equestrian but wise enough to not question my outburst, shuffled a bit in concern. Suddenly distracted by their presence, I gave them a good look over since I hadn’t had much reason to do so after getting off the boat. As expected, they straightened their posture, standing on their hind legs with their head and eyes forward, and their wings slightly outstretched for balance as I inspected them. I needed them to be ready for whatever we found in the Crystal Empire.

Khama’at was the current captain of my personal guard: a position she earned through both combat experience and wisdom. She was a textbook example of a model officer. Her posture was perfect at the best approximation of the U.S. Army’s position of attention with a revolving rifle slung over her right shoulder.I modeled drill and ceremony in my Guard after what I'd learned on Earth. I figured that, if it worked there, it would work just as well here. I then inspected her 'armor'. It was quite generous to call it armor, as all she wore was a polished steel circlet with an enchanted gem above her forehead; a diamond to denote her rank. The enchantment itself was twofold: The first enchantment was a mentally activated kinetic barrier spell, and the second was a voice translocation spell that allowed the three of us to communicate, much like a radio.

Mereneith was, currently, the youngest member of my personal guard, at the age of seventeen. Despite her young age, she was particularly skilled and motivated. I made sure to be needlessly domineering as I inspected her fitted chestplate for any scuffs or blemishes. I was particularly meticulous because of her low rank; a tradition I’d continued from my time in the Army.. Regardless, both Khama’at and Mereneith shared the same enchantments on their armor even though Mereneith’s gemstone was an emerald. The rest of the armor is more decorative than functional. After all, I can’t have my guards looking bad, especially since they’re also my harem. The steel plate only covered their vital organs, and allowed them full freedom of movement, which is something that I valued more because my guard fought with guns, and not melee weapons. The associated tactics leant themselves to a more mobile soldier, thus the mobility came in handy. On both their arms, they had steel bracers that went from the wrist to the elbow. They also had gravity lock blades, which measured slightly shorter in length than their forearms on whichever side they favored. As a former left handed shooter I made sure to cater to both.

Stalking out of their sight, I made my way behind the two and continued with the inspection. On their backs were small packs that fit snugly between their wings and over the steel plate that protected their backs. In the packs were medical supplies and ammunition. Both the skills and equipment required to treat an injury were something that I provided my guard with. I had no desire to see them or myself die of a completely preventable or treatable cause. With a grin, I looked over their haunches with a small bit of pride. The muscle definition they had was truly appreciated when it came to their rears. The armor, styled like a pair of chaps, protected the inner and outer thighs with decorated steel and left the muscled flanks exposed for my, and the rest of my guards’, viewing pleasure. They wore hard leather sandals on their hind paws, to protect them should they need to kick, or move through rough or rocky terrain.

I turned away from the pair eager to get on with putting a few pieces into play before the game officially starts. I moved back from the exit of the docks, and made my way back over to the boat. My guard and I traveled on to see the rest of the guard going about their business; doing paperwork, moving cargo, and performing maintenance. I stopped a fair bit of distance from the boat, and had the guards form a half circle around me nearing thirty in number. While Mereneith and Khama’at flanked me looking at the sight of a bunch of cats clustered together looking at me curiously almost stopped my heart. Another close call.

I had laid out the framework of a small plan on how I would like them to acquire a large enough section of the dock and some near by land. In doing so they would have a base of operation and we could have a secure area to place things. They were permitted to use at least half of the gold, jewelry, pottery, and perfumes as trade before the rest are given out as presents. While doing all of this they were to be acting as if they won a vacation for their service. Which they did even if I was the one holding the contest.

Now understand here. I would be a horrible leader in my eyes if I couldn’t make sure that the people working off my word were not rewarded in turn. This is also a way to cover the fact that while they were in a standing army that belonged to a foreign nation they were not performing actions as, what would then be considered, an invading army of a foreign nation. Now I can only wonder to what level of power that Politics hold and I will use any advantage I can get.

If this human, ‘Stefan,’ as the article named him, was advancing the ponies’ technology, I would need to deal with him. It should be easy, I reasoned, to get him on my side. I was the only other human on whatever the fuck this world’s name was, and he’d definitely cling to something familiar… if only I could prove I was human, too. The massive winged feline look wouldn’t match his expectation, certainly.

The riddle. The same riddle I used on my mother could be used in this situation, too. Since none of these ponies knew it, he would have to recognize what I was talking about. Surely, if he had such a head on his shoulders that he could teach the ponies all this shit about technology, he would understand a riddle.

So, I hopped the express train to the Crystal Empire. For the majority of the journey, I was unmolested, except for when a conductor came by to ask for my tickets. I smiled broadly, which, of course, showed off the row of sharp, polished teeth I had in my mouth.

“My… Tickets?” I said. “You, little pony, are hilarious.” I stood from my seat, and approached him slowly. “Do you think that Prince Shezmu of Teramu needs… tickets?” My tail lashed behind me, and my smile grew as the conductor backed up. I stopped when he was just on the threshold of the door, and threw back my head. I laughed, as long and evil as I could manage, which was, I have to say, quite evil.

When the smell of piss hit my nostrils, though, I stopped, and pulled the tickets from where they were wedged under a bracelet on my foreleg. I held them out for him to take a look at, but he seemed more preoccupied with galloping away from me. I shrugged, and sat back down. Mereneith wrinkled her nose and shut the door as she was standing next to it the smell getting to her as well. Khama'at, however, looked up from her pack as she shifted through it and raised an eye brow at me. I stuck my tounge out at her while sprawling out on the bench like seating looking up at the roof of the train.

At the very least I could lick my balls to pass the rest of the time, or take a nap. I then looked to my guards and grinned toothily or I could busy myself a different way. Mereneith noticed my expression and her eyes widened knowing that there was probably nothing she wanted to do associated with my expression. "Onetwothreenotit!" A quick learner that one.





    I awoke to the ring of my phone’s alarm. Six o’ clock, bright ‘n early, and of course I felt like going back to sleep. Something they don’t tell you about the Crystal Empire: the beds are amazing. They’re made of a semisolid crystal that’s magically enchanted to fit whoever lays on it. In comparison to a cushion of foam, or a box spring mattress, it felt like a waterbed but… smarter. I imagine it felt a bit like what one of those adjustable mattresses would feel like if it were made of liquid, but since I’d never been on one at home, I couldn’t make an accurate comparison.

    What really made it special, though, was that the bed could also heat itself, so that all you needed was a thin blanket even on colder nights. That isn’t to say, though, that the capitol itself ever had a cold night. No, the massive dome of magical energy and the Crystal Heart saw to that.

    After a moment of musing, I finally managed to gain enough will to drag myself out of my warm cocoon of blankets, and into the bathroom attached to my quarters. That is to say, it wasn’t really a bathroom: more like a weird bowl-like sink that I had to kneel to use. It, like most everything else in the Empire, was made of crystal. I picked up my toothbrush and my toothpaste, and got to brushing. Baths in the Empire were communal, so my morning washup would be done downstairs in the guest bathhouse.

    The toilet, though, was right next to the sink. It was an in-floor model, much like you’d find in India or the middle east. It took some getting used to, but in the end it didn’t bother me as much as the sink did.

After finishing up with what I could do in my quarters, I brought out a change of clothes, a towel, some soap, and a washcloth down to the bathhouse with me. The guards were changing shift as I passed, and the few I knew waved at me, then went back to their duty.

    The Crystal ponies were a little more hesitant to develop a friendship with me than their Equestrian counterparts. When I asked Shining Armor about it, he told me that it came from their previous enslavement to King Sombra. As I remember, he put it like this:

“King Sombra hardened them. I think they were already kinda like that before we got rid of him, but with the things they’ve gone through? I’m not sure I would trust anyone, except maybe my family. That’s what they do, though; once you make friends with a Crystal pony, they’re your friend for life.”

    I didn’t doubt Armor, but it seemed like he was, perhaps, a bit more biased than the average pony would be. Stereotypes, while useful, were often only useful for a general projection about the society of a place, or about the society of outsiders looking in. In fact, one of the things I’d picked up on while Armor and I did our morning runs, was that the Crystal ponies were quite forward… in another way.

    You see, a pony’s sense of smell is more sensitive than a human’s, especially when it comes to pheromones. The first few times Armor and I went on our run, I noticed that some Crystal ponies would stop and sniff the air around them, as if they’d been crop dusted or something. A few days and a few catcalls and rather lecherous comments later, and I asked Armor what it all meant. He chuckled, and explained it to me: Mares, in general, were the more sexually aggressive gender in pony society. While this wasn’t necessarily an issue in Equestria itself, the Crystal ponies were archaic in their views. And, as he explained, a stallion’s scent was quite a large part of determining the suitability of a mate. He later went on to apologize for not telling me sooner, as he’d assumed that I went out without a shower because I wanted the attention of the fairer sex.

    I’d washed myself before and after our morning runs ever since. Now, that’s not to say that I didn’t appreciate the attention, but I had no desire to have half the mares in the capitol all at my door, or flagging their tails at me.

    After I’d washed, I went down to the Crystal Heart pedestal to meet Armor. While waiting, I stretched, I whistled, and I blasted music on my phone via my earbuds until finally, after ten minutes of lounging around, Shining Armor comes out of one of the doors at the base of the Crystal Palace.

    I took out an earbud. “Took you long enough. What, did you have to beat your meat or something?” I teased.

    He stopped in his tracks, and his eyes widened. “Uh…”

    “Yes, no? Yo? Maybe so? C’mon, don’t break on me. I need you, Daddy.”

    He snorted and came to, shaking his head as if to rid himself of some unsavoury thoughts. He came up to me, and gave me a bemused look.

    “You act so much like a mare sometimes, I wonder if you have a dick or not.” He said. I threw up my hands in an approximation of Neil Degrasse Tyson’s ‘please don’t blame me, I know nothing’ meme.

    “I mean, unless you wanna take a look to make sure, then you get to keep on wondering.” I said, standing from where I sat up against the Crystal Heart’s pedestal. “Let’s go before this conversation gets any more gay than it already is.”

    He huffed, and nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

    We went on our usual route: Out a mile and a half from the Crystal Palace, then back after crossing over to another street. Armor and I sometimes bullshitted as we ran, but today was quiet. I kept pace alongside him, blasting yet more music into my ears, and spacing out as best I could. The first time Armor and I went on this route, I’d marvelled at the buildings that lined the side of the road, and the road itself. Most everything was made of crystal, as would be expected from a place called the Crystal Empire. Unlike the Crystal Palace, which seemed as if it had grown from the ground, the houses and shops in the city proper were cut and polished, as if someone went through and placed massive crystals on the ground, only to cut and mold them to their particular need.

    It turns out that, as it happens, that’s what the Crystal Ponies did. As part of Sombra’s enslavement of the Crystal ponies, he made them build the city in the Palace’s image, so that it would keep them busy whilst he conducted his experiments on their loved ones.

    One vendor, who was always out to greet us while we ran, waved as we passed by. Armor later told me that she was a young businessmare, having taken over her mother’s shop after she died.

    There were plenty of stories like hers all across the Empire. Ponies who’d lost their friends or relatives to Sombra, in addition to their freedom. When I asked him if said ponies received some sort of compensation for their loss, Armor shook his head and said: “Well, we tried to offer, but they turned it down.”

    To the Crystal ponies, the Equestrian-born monarchs were welcome saviors. However, they were not natives. Though they may rule now because of their deeds, and their connection to the Crystal Heart, it was clear to Shining Armor, at least, that they didn’t accept their new fuzzy overlords just yet.

    At any rate, as we made our way back to the castle, we passed the train station. It looked busy, crowded with ponies as it was. Guards stood at the exit stiles, their spears held loose as they looked over the passengers’ belongings and scanned the passengers themselves with a Soul Detector Array, or SDA unit. These were installed after Sunburst and I did a little research into ways to combat the apparent changeling threat. The only surefire way to tell if someone was a changeling required a deep scan of their magical soul energy, the very same that they used to cast spells or make plants grow, and that pegasi used to fly.

    It all reminded me very much of an airport back home, minus the TSA officer with gloves patting people down after they went through the scanner.

    The rest of our run was rather uneventful. There were regulars just getting out and about waving at us, or giving us half-asleep hellos. Thirty minutes after we left, Armor and I arrived back at the Crystal Heart pedestal. A guard stallion came out of one of the doors at the bottom of the Palace, and cantered up to the two of us. He went to attention in front of Armor, and spoke.

    “Urgent message, sir. You and the human’s presence is required in the throne room by your wife, sir. Something about an audience.”

    “I… Did I miss an appointment?” Armor asked, glancing at me.

    “I don’t know. I don’t remember the Princess saying anything about a visitor, or preparations, or anything.” I shrugged. “Could be a surprise visit. Do you know who it is?” I asked the guard.

    “Looked like a winged cat with a pony’s head. He was a bit taller than you, I think. Said he was Prince Shezmu.” The guard said.

    “Sphinx. Wonder what they’re doing here? They don’t have much to do with ponies, generally.” Armor said, his brow furrowed in thought. “Well, I don’t think we should keep Cady waiting. Let’s go.”

    Armor led the way as he, the guard and I went to go see our curious visitors. On the way up, I puzzled at why the guard mentioned me specifically. Most diplomats that’d come by the Empire weren’t entirely concerned with me. Sure, they visited my lab on occasion, but none had requested an audience with me, yet. Well, aside from that one businessmare from Phillydelphia that wanted an entirely different kind of audience. Though, since she wasn’t a government official, I didn’t count her visit.

    I cleared my mind for a moment, breathing in and out deeply. Speculating would do nothing to change the situation, especially considering the fact that there were so many unknowns. I didn’t know what kind of person Prince Shezmu was, nor did I really know that much about the sphinx in general. For now, my I would collect information: be as reticent as possible, without seeming a poor host. Watch their interactions with the others, and only speak when spoken to.

    Of course, I thought, that plan would probably go to shit anyways.






    Upon entering the Crystal Empire I started to notice the increased security level at each major city. There were numerous security checkpoints, all with armed guards. More curious, though, were the softly humming crystals embedded in the guarded areas’ arches and doorways. Every time I stepped through one, I felt as though my fur stood on end for a moment, and a very potent spell washed over me. Regardless of our bypass of Canterlot, the security measures were present at every train station along the way. I had no idea what exactly they were afraid of, but I had a good hunch that recent news of the Changeling Queen Chrysalis’ exploits had something to do with it.

    Although, what I really wondered about was if news of my arrival had reached the Princesses' desks yet, and, if it had, the ramifications of such a realization. But, my question was answered when I saw the large concrete bunker that was the train station at the foot of the mountains guarding the gateway to the Crystal Empire. It seemed that espionage had been going on for a while. Still at least Chrysalis could still have a way in if she had help. Or be denied her last chance. I guess it depends on when we meet. This round is your’s Celestia. There was no way I could get to the Crystal Empire without you noticing.

After entering the city proper when I left the station at a small platform that was the main station for people. On the  the city was a good deal larger than what was depicted from the show. There was a large amount of non crystal ponies going about as to be expected with the close partnership between Equestria and the Empire.