Just Girls Talking

by MythrilMoth


Fartsgiving

Thanksgiving in Canterlot was two days gone. Now, on a cold, clear Saturday morning, seven girls met up at Canterlot Mall to take advantage of after-Black-Friday sales and talk about how their Thanksgiving went.

"Hey guys," Rainbow Dash said as she trudged up to the group, the last to arrive. She'd seen better days; there were bags under her eyes, her cheeks were puffy, her hair was mussed, and she had an overall poochy look about her.

"Whoa, what happened to you?" Sunset asked, blinking.

"You okay, sugarcube?" Applejack asked. "You look a mite peaked."

"Did you get trampled in the Black Friday holocaust?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"I hate Black Friday," Fluttershy said quietly.

Applejack turned to stare at her incredulously. "Yer shittin' me, right? We saw you at Blue Box yest—"

Fluttershy made a throat-slash gesture. Applejack quickly fell silent. Fluttershy turned to Rainbow Dash. "So, what's wrong, Rainbow? You can tell us."

"Yeah, we're your friends. We're here for you," Sunset offered with a smile.

Rainbow grimaced, her cheeks red from embarrassment rather than the cold. "Gas," she muttered.

Everyone blinked. "I beg your pardon?" Rarity asked.

Rainbow ducked her head, shuffling her feet. "We went to Aunt Firefly's for Thanksgiving," she said. "Aunt Firefly puts celery in everything. Celery gives me gas."

"Oh dear," Rarity said.

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on now, Rainbow. You're th' one always braggin' about havin' th' stinkiest farts, you're as bad as any boy. Ain't no way—"

"That's different," Rainbow said. "This was...this was the bad gas." Her eyes took on a faraway, haunted gaze. "All...all night, Thursday. I just...I couldn't sleep. I kept...I kept farting..." She shook her head. "You know that long, low creaking sound old wooden ships make? That came outta me at one in the morning."

"Yikes," Pinkie said. "Also, ew!"

"Far too much information, darling," Rarity said, rolling her eyes.

"Euch," Sunset opined.

Twilight grimaced. "That's exactly why my mother doesn't make cheese casserole anymore. Umm...my dad does that, if he eats too much cheese."

"Lactose intolerant?" Rarity asked.

"Actually, lactose intolerant people can usually eat cheese, since the aging process breaks down lactose," Twilight said. "It's more the microorganisms involved in making cheese that cause excess gas."

"Oh god, we're not gonna talk about mold now, are we?" Pinkie asked with a visible cringe. "I really hate our biology teacher for telling us blue cheese is made from the same stuff you find in foot fungus!"

"And now I need to throw up," Rarity said, her cheeks taking on a green tinge.

Sunset shook her head. "So you farted a whole bunch because celery," she said, turning back to Rainbow. "That still doesn't explain—"

"You don't understand," Rainbow said. "I've been gassed up since Thursday." She clutched her stomach. "I couldn't eat anything but bread all day yesterday. I can't get rid of this gas. Nothing works."

Twilight frowned. "That...sounds like more than just gas," she said.

Pinkie gasped. "Maybe you're pregnant!"

Everyone stared at her. Rainbow narrowed her eyes. "Yeah. No." Then she groaned, hunching over slightly. A horrible, groaning, creaking noise escaped from the general vicinity of her everything.

A stench of rotting celery, poultry, and grazing cattle filled the air. The girls backed away from Rainbow, holding their noses. Rarity quickly ran off to find a restroom.

"Ugh!" Sunset cried. "Yeah, you've definitely got gas," she grumbled. "Celestia's flank, that's horrible."

"That's been going on for two days," Rainbow said miserably. "I kinda hoped a little fresh air and exercise would help."

"Yeah, Ah can't imagine fresh air is in much supply at home if'n you been doin' that since Thanksgivin'," Applejack said. "Whut you need's a good organic smoothie with a lotta fiber in it. C'mon, let's go by where Ah work."

"That...might help," Rainbow said. "At this point, I'm willing to try anything."

"Oh! Oh!" Pinkie exclaimed. "You could shove the vacuum cleaner up your butt and suck it all out!"

Everyone stared at her.

"Anything except that or Fluttershy's brother," Rainbow said sourly.

As they headed for the smoothie bar, Rainbow asked, "So, what did you girls do for Thanksgiving and Black Friday? Tell me all about it, I need something to take my mind off it."

Applejack shrugged. "Pretty normal Sweet Apple Thanksgivin'," she said. "Had about fifteen folks out at th' farm, did up a couple turkeys an' a couple hams, lots'a dressin', casseroles, pies, stuff like that. Watched th' game." She frowned. "Went t' Blue Box with Big Mac yesterday, we needed a couple'a new TVs an' a new phone fer Apple Bloom. Made out alright, despite Fluttershy." She shot a glare at Fluttershy.

"What the heck did Fluttershy do?" Sunset wondered.

"Uhh...y'all wouldn't believe me," Applejack hedged.

"PINKIE! Tell us about YOUR Thanksgiving!" Fluttershy said quickly and with false cheer.

Pinkie shrugged. "Not much to tell. We had rock soup. We always have rock soup. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, National Booger Picking Day, it's always rock soup. Oh, and two hours of sermons. Oh, and I had to help Marble dig a pebble out of her butt. Like, it was waaaay up in there." She shuddered. "We both almost got the strap for that, Mama thought we were doing something...sinful."

Rarity had rejoined the group at just that moment. She turned very red and ran off again.

"Uhh...gross," Rainbow said. "Also, your family is messed up."

"I know..." Pinkie shrugged. "You know what they say. You can pick your friends, your nose, and your butt, but you can't pick your family." She paused, tilting her head and tapping her chin. "Although I guess you kinda can pick your family since I spent half an hour picking my sister's—"

"AHEM," Applejack coughed loudly. "So, Twilight! How about you?"

"Well, we have a pretty small Thanksgiving at home," Twilight said. "I invited Sunset Shimmer, so we had five instead of four for the first time in like, ever." She frowned. "Well, six I guess, if you count Spike." She shrugged. "I mean, we just had the usual. A turkey, stuffing out of a box, potatoes out of a box, frozen pies, canned green beans. Mom doesn't...doesn't really like to cook big meals."

"It was great, though," Sunset said. "The food was good enough, and sharing it with friends was the important part." She smiled warmly at Twilight.

"Of course, yesterday my dad and my brother went out to do all the Christmas shopping," Twilight said. "They had to go to a bunch of different stores to get the stuff they wanted. Apparently there was some kind of riot at Blue Box, they heard about it on Twitface and kinda...steered clear."

"Gee, Ah wonder whut that was," Applejack said, glaring at Fluttershy.

"Okay, that's enough," Rainbow said, stopping in her tracks and turning to face Applejack and Fluttershy. Rarity walked back up to the group, a hestitant look on her face. "You keep talking about somethin' goin' down at Blue Box and you keep blamin' it on Fluttershy. What. The hell. Happened?"

Applejack turned to Fluttershy, folding her arms and raising an eyebrow. Fluttershy ducked behind her hair, a sullen pout on her face...

* * * * *

"Over there! She's over there!"

"Where the hell are the staff? Aren't they supposed to be, y'know, dealing with this?"

"OW! Dammit, are those paintballs?!"

"STOP! Don't run THAT way! All the big-screen TVs are over there!"

"It's not paint...I think it's rubber bullets! You know, riot rounds!"

The store was in complete chaos. Three people had lashed two carts together side-by-side. Fluttershy's red-haired, bespectacled mother and Zephyr Breeze were pushing the carts through the aisles at insane speeds, using the extreme width of their Frankencart to block the aisles and push other shoppers out of the way as they grabbed discounted electronics and tossed them in. Fluttershy, dressed in thermal camo hunting gear, stood astride the carts, her hair tied back; she laughed maniacally as she sprayed rubber bullets from a minigun into the crowd of Black Friday dealseekers.

* * * * *

Rainbow stared at Fluttershy in wide-eyed disbelief. A sound like a balloon slowly deflating emanated from her butt.

Followed by a foul, unholy stench.

"I think...that scared the shit outta me," Rainbow said in a strangled voice, before activating her geode and running away.