Lateral Movement

by Alzrius


176 - Loving You

Now I understand.

Cozy couldn’t help but smile softly at the thought, gently running a hoof across Aisle’s cheek as she gazed at him. He murmured something unintelligible at the touch, and she held her breath, worried that she’d woken him up, but he settled down again a moment later. Cozy was glad for that; after everything she’d put him through he deserved to rest. That, and there was something mesmerizing about watching somepony she loved sleep.

Somepony I love… She turned the words over in her head, keeping her eyes on Aisle’s peaceful face as she examined her feelings about what they’d done. Only a few hours ago, she knew, she’d have been crippled with guilt and shame over what she’d just shared with him. She could almost hear the recriminations she would have hurled at herself: “My husband hasn’t even been gone for one day, and I’m already with a new stallion.” Or maybe something more direct, like, “There are words for ponies like me, and I deserve to be called every one of them.” But she didn’t feel that way at all now, and the absence of those emotions was a relief in and of itself.

But there was more to it than that, she knew. So much more…

Although she’d accepted Lashtada into her heart months ago, there had been parts of her religion that Cozy had never been completely comfortable with. The emphasis on physical love had embarrassed her, and truth be told still did somewhat, and other ponies asking her for relationship advice when they found out she was a priestess had taken some getting used to. But the most awkward thing had been how Lashtada’s dogma glorified “open” relationships.

Princess Cadance had assured her that wasn’t the case, of course. The one time Cozy had managed to overcome her embarrassment and ask her about it, the Princess had laughed – not unkindly – and explained that Lashtada didn’t hold any type of loving relationship to be better than any other. So long as everypony involved was true to their feelings for each other, it didn’t matter if they were with one pony or many. “Just look at me and Shining Armor,” she’d concluded. “I can’t imagine being with anypony besides him, and I’m in charge of spreading Lashtada’s message throughout Equestria.”

Cozy had smiled and nodded and thanked the Princess for answering her question, but inside she’d still had doubts. Although what Cadance had said made sense, Lashtada’s faith had too many aphorisms and tenets about accepting the love of others to make monogamy – which necessarily involved denying others who wanted to be with you – seem acceptable, or at least as acceptable as polygamy. If principles like “never fail to open your heart to those who open theirs to you” or “love is never diminished when it is shared” weren’t saying that you should accept, and therefore return, love that came from outside of a committed relationship, then what were they saying? She had badly wanted to ask Princess Cadance what she would do if another stallion confessed to having fallen for her, but hadn’t dared.

But now…now Cozy felt like she had greater insight into what those tenets were saying. They weren’t trying to paint a benevolent veneer over something tawdry, the way she’d used to think they were. It was more like they were talking about an ideal, as if feeling that degree of love for more than one person was something to try and achieve rather than justify. Like…it was alright if you could only find it within yourself to love one person, but being able to love more than that was something to be celebrated for what it was, without being a comparative insult toward those who were monogamous.

Or maybe I’m completely wrong, she thought, bringing a hoof to her necklace, brushing it over the two – and only two – heart-shaped loops that were bound together with silver wire, forming the holy symbol of Lashtada. Maybe I just wanted to stop feeling so lonely and sad. But if so, it had worked. Aisle had pushed back the waves of grief that had threatened to consume her, and now she found it impossible not to reciprocate his feelings.

But even so…

Pillow.

Letting out a slow breath, Cozy tentatively – as though unwrapping a bandage – turned her thoughts back toward her deceased husband. Pain instantly filled her heart, and sadness came a moment later, threatening to make her start crying again. No matter what else had happened, Pillowcase, the stallion she’d wanted to share her life with, was still gone, and nothing could make that better. But now…now that sadness didn’t blot out everything else, didn’t feel like it would define the rest of her life. Now she wasn’t clinging to nothing but the slim hope of asking Princess Cadance to resurrect him, or the vague and terrifying plan of ending her own life in order to see him again.

Her eyes glanced at the corner of the small tent they were in, eyeing the crushed remains of her bag. Aisle had been beyond horrified when she’d told him what she’d almost done. He’d instantly leapt up and stomped on the bag several times, breaking the syringe within before lying back down and making her swear to never even think of anything like that again. She, by contrast, had been far more subdued when he’d confessed to dragooning Sonata into getting one of the doctors to lie to Lex for her. She knew that if they were lucky, the dour unicorn would never know that he’d been tricked, but Cozy couldn’t remember the last time they’d been that fortunate. Well, except for right now, she conceded, the corners of her mouth turning up wanly.

Her thoughts were interrupted as Aisle’s eyes fluttered open, smiling as he looked at her. “Hey…” he said softly.

She couldn’t help but smile back. “Hey yourself.”

“How are you feeling?”

Cozy paused just for an instant, knowing that she was nowhere close to being able to answer that question. “I’m…alright.”

Aisle’s grin diminished, and she knew that he’d heard what she hadn’t said. “Listen, about what we did…” He trailed off, and Cozy knew that he was going to try and figure things out, to try and work out what had happened between them and what it meant. And all of a sudden she didn’t want him to.

Reaching out, she gently put a hoof over his mouth, silencing him before he could start. “I love you,” she whispered. His eyes widened at that; they hadn’t spoken initially, and the words that they’d exchanged afterward had mostly been to confess what they’d done over the last few hours. After that they’d both simply fallen asleep, too physically and emotionally exhausted to go any further. But now, Cozy found herself unable to keep from telling him how she felt. “I said all those horrible things to you yesterday, and you still put yourself in danger for me.” She had no doubt that deliberately defying Lex was dangerous. “You were always understanding, even knowing that sometimes what I wanted, what I needed, wasn’t what I was saying. And you never pushed me or asked for anything in return. You just…you did all those things, so many things to help me even when you knew I wouldn’t be grateful…” She felt herself starting to tear up again and sniffled, removing her hoof from his mouth to rub it across her eyes. “What I’m trying to say is…the reason why I’m saying all this…”

She fumbled, suddenly not sure what else to say to convey her feelings. But before she could try again she felt Aisle’s hoof against her lips, copying what she’d just done to quiet him. “I love you too,” he said softly, giving her an understanding smile.

Cozy made a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, smiling. Taking his hoof in hers, she lowered it so that she could lean closer to him, their lips meeting a moment later. The kiss was followed by another, and then another, and suddenly Cozy wanted more. Gently pressing herself against him, Aisle didn’t resist as she moved him onto his back, climbing on top of him…


This time, when they finished, they didn’t separate from each other, legs intertwined as they silently rested. Laying her head on his chest, Cozy spent long moments simply listening to Aisle’s heart beating, her eyes looking vacantly at the wall of the tent they’d commandeered. As peaceful as the moment was, she knew there was something she still needed to say. Just a little longer, she thought plaintively, not sure if she was making a wish or a prayer. Just let us stay like this for a little longer.

When she heard Aisle let out a soft sigh under her, however, she knew the moment was over. “Listen-” he started to say.

“I still love him,” she blurted out, knowing that if he started talking about something else she wouldn’t be able to say what she needed to.

For a moment he froze, and Cozy could almost hear his confusion, but understanding came an instant later. “Pillow.”

She nodded. “I love you, but I still love him too, and I miss him so much. I still…” It suddenly occurred to her that she was talking about another stallion while as close as she could possibly be with Aisle, and she felt her cheeks heating up. But she forced herself to continue. “I still want to ask Princess Cadance if she can bring him back.” She almost sat up then, suddenly nervous about how he’d take that particular revelation.

The answer she received as feeling a hoof slowly brush her mane. “I understand,” came Aisle’s voice, and there was no recrimination in it.

But Cozy heard the subtle undertone of resignation in his words, and instantly knew what he thought she’d meant. That couldn’t be allowed to stand. Shaking her head, she slowly moved off of him, climbing to her hooves. Once she’d steadied herself, she turned to look at him. “No.” Her voice was firm, but contained only the slightest hint of reproach. “Don’t say that.”

He blinked, pausing in mid-motion as he started to get up. “Don’t say that I understand?”

“Don’t say goodbye,” she corrected him. When he looked like he was about to protest, she cut him off. “I know that’s what you meant. You ‘understand’ that my saying that I still love Pillow and want him back means that I’m saying you and I can’t be together, that we’re going to treat this like some sort of fling or that it never happened, and you’ll quietly fade out of the picture. That’s what you meant, right?” She didn’t wait for an answer before shaking her head. “No. I’m sorry, but no. That’s unacceptable.”

“But-”

“Did you mean it when you said you love me?”

“Of course! I j-”

“Good. And I meant it when I said that I love you.” She gave him a look of resolve then, daring him to protest any further. When he didn’t say anything, her expression softened, and she stepped closer, nuzzling him. “I love you, and you love me, and I want us to figure out what that means. Whether…” She faltered then, but rallied a moment later. “Whether or not Pillow can be brought back, I want us, all of us, to figure out what comes next.” She looked him in the eyes then, their faces barely an inch apart. “I don’t know how this is going to work out, but I want us to try. Together.”

She saw him swallow nervously, saw the uncertainty in his eyes, but for some reason that made her feel better than if he’d looked calm and confident. This wouldn’t be real if it wasn’t frightening, she knew and that reminded her of another of Lashtada’s tenets: Loving someone is an act of courage.

Letting out a slow breath, Aisle nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Cozy could feel herself smiling, suddenly filled with a sense of nervous excitement that she hadn’t felt since she first began dating Pillow years ago. She could see the same smile on Aisle’s face too.

His diminished a moment later, however. “Listen…I wanted to say this before, but…if Lex finds out that I tried to pull one over on him, I’m going to take the blame.”

Her own smile died at that. “Hang on-”

“Just hear me out. If he figures out what Sonata did, then he’ll probably know I was involved, even if she doesn’t tell him.” The words “which she probably would” hung in the air, obvious but unspoken. “But if I tell him that I never told you that he ordered you to help the doctors, then he won’t be able to punish you. That’s the sort of pony he is.”

Cozy had more than a few choice words about what sort of pony Lex was, but she put those aside for the moment. “No way.”

“Cozy-”

“I just said we were in this together, right? I know you want to protect me, and I’m telling you, you already did.” She pointed to the crushed bag in the corner, emphasizing her point. “From here on out, no matter what happens, we’re going to face it together, okay?”

He looked ready to protest, but after a long moment let out a sigh. “Okay. But I’m still telling him that this was my idea, since, you know, it actually was.”

She couldn’t help but snicker at that. “Alright, tough guy.” Her mirth faded as she glanced at the tent flap. “You ready to go back out there?”

He nodded, stepping up and nuzzling her. “Ready.”

Pressing her side against his, Cozy opened the tent flap and the two of them strode outside, ready to face whatever came their way.