Yeah, seriously. I'm a god now. Yes, I am 100% sure of that. Also I'm Santa now! Not literally of course, since I didn't become an old fatty with a big white beard, but metaphorically as in I gave gifts to everyone.
"Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, there could be some side effects, which include but are not limited to: death, losing your conscience and becoming someone else entirely, get sent to a random dimension, become an eldritch horror, turn into a gay frog, become a cute little plushy, get a weird urge to do back flips every 5 minutes, get sexually attracted to grass, start identifying as an apache attack helicopter, and so on!" Discord listed of as Tobias was sitting on a chair smiling like an idiot.
"All of them sound like pros to me though?" Discord looked at him for a second before choosing to let his hand make love to his face with a facepalm. "What? They are! Oh c'mon ya wuss! I caused enough chaos around here that you could destroy a galaxy! Want me to list all of them off?" Tobias said with face splitting smile.
"...You are going to list them off anyway, aren't you?..." Discord deadpanned.
"Yup!" Was the happy answer he got from the card master.
"Fine... You know... Sitting with me really changed you. Probably all the chaos making you... What's the word?... Hmm... Ah doesn't matter." He waved it off.
"Alright! Let's start! *ahem*" Tobias started as his voice became one of a narrator.
The List Of Almost All The Things Tobias Did From The Day He Arrived To Equestria To The Present
Stealing a fuck load of things
Pissing off the Princesses
Wasting everyone's time
Liberating a god trapped in stone
More stealing
Making a circus with someone from another dimension
Bringing a guy who wants to murder him to this world
Ruining the life of said guy by making him live with ponies for the rest of his life
Being the reason why an invader from another land came again into this dimension and terrorizing the princesses
Mind fucking with the princesses
Stealing Celestia's cake
Running around throwing cards at people
Causing concussions to multiple guards
Kissing the princesses in their sleep and screaming "I HAVE AWOKEN THE SLEEPING BEAUTY FROM HER ETERNAL SLEEP" when they woke up, quickly teleporting away after that
Doing what is listed above to multiple mares across Equestria
Creating a giant rubber duck that now floats happily across the seas
Drawing dicks on random houses
Summoning Dra'Nakyuek The Destroyer Of Worlds
Summoning The Devil
Changing a town so everything that was west is now east, what's north is now south and so on
Dancing on the grave of someone
Summoning multiple dancing spooky scary skeletons at Nightmare Night
Throwing pancakes from above Canterlot Castle, saying he was making pancake rain
Bankrupting multiple casinos
Cheating
A fuck load of cheating
Almost summoning Cthulhu and dooming Equestria
Yo-ho-yo-ho a pirate's life for me
Screaming with a weird accent that he said is Scottish
Asking the Princesses if he can put Excalibur in the Wizard's sleeve
Screaming random words which we later found out were names used by the Scottish to refer to male and female genitalia
Singing a song about Rye Wiskey
Drinking Equestria's entire reserve of alcohol
Making really strong alcohol which he called "The Good Shit"
Introducing hallucinatory drugs
Introducing sex toys
Selling figurines of himself to kids
Making fun of a statue of Celestia by saying, and I quote "CELESTIA WANTS A HUG!"
Proclaiming himself to be Pirate King
Actually going out and becoming the Pirate King
Screamed to a pony who wanted to kill himself to do a flip
Opened the Nerconomicon
Read the Necronomicon
Moonwalking down the streets of Ponyvile
Made a fence of impaled puppets with fake blood along the borders of Equestria
One word: Tentacles
Ran after some guards with a gigantic dildo
Beat said guards with the gigantic dildo
Running and screaming "Rush B Cyka Blyat at ponies the following while wearing some weird armor and having a gun in his hands
Squatting on top of Canterlot Castle eating seeds
Saying "Idi Nahui" to anyone who tried to ask him to go away
Blasting hardbass and doing the following with multiple drunk ponies and Discord
Creating a gigantic rice field outside Canterlot, also doing this when the princesses came to see what's going on
Teleporting in a fur coat in front of the princesses in the middle of summer just to say that Winter is coming and then teleporting away.
"Along with others which I won't mention cuz I got bored of saying all of them." Discord was looking with an annoyed expression at how long it took him to finally finish.
"Glad you decided to finally finish..."
"But of course." Tobias said with a french accent.
"Can we just do this stupid ritual already? I feel like my cake's getting burned." An oven with a cake inside it appeared, from which smoke started coming out.
"I got it, I got it! Now get rid of the oven! I don't want my clothes to smell of burnt cake." Those words being said with an overly whiny voice, which reminded Discord of a certain marshmallow. Discord snapped his talons with a chuckle and the oven disappeared. "So does it include some weird made up words and some randomly made runes?"
"No, that'd be retarded. Just sit there and I'll channel the chaos you made into you."
"Makes sense."
"Totally."
"Yup."
"No doubt."
"One hundred percent."
"Yeah."
"Can we start already?" Tobias broke the silence to express his ever so growing annoyance.
"We should. I was getting bored as well." Discord snapped his talons and Tobias soon found himself enveloped by the chaotic essence he created from the time he first arrived into this land. He felt his body explode into millions of tiny pieces, each and every one of those little pieces being infused with an otherworldly power. Only when every piece was overflowing with magic did they all come back together.
"Huh... I don't feel THAT different. I mean sure, I feel powerful as fuck, but besides that nothing."
"Well duh! What did you expect? That you'd feel like you are in a new body or something? Pff yeah right. That only happens in stories." Discord said while rolling his eyes. "Although we ARE in a story..." He quietly whispered so nobody could hear him.
"What was that?"
"Nothing, just your IMAGINAAAAAAAAAATIOOOOOOOOOON! WOOOOO!" Discord answered quickly while wiggling his arms around like a god damn boiled vegetable.
"Whatever. So, the plan's complete. All I need is a way to give them all an unforgettable goodbye... But how?" Tobias pondered while sitting down with his legs crossed.
"Dunno. Hearth's Warming Eve is coming up soon though" Discord said with a shrug.
"DISCORD YOU ARE A GENIUS!" Tobias said with a smile and starts shaking Discord by the shoulders.
"Wat."
"That's it! I'M GONNA BE SANTA!" He continued with a big smile on his face.
"Santa? Who's that?" Discord asked confused.
"An old fat dude in a red costume that gives gifts to good people and gives jack shit to bad people. He also rides a flying sledge pulled by eight reindeer." Tobias told him while suppressing a snicker.
"That sounds stupid. But fun nonetheless! Oh my god, we have to give Tia some Sunny D!"
"Fuck yeah! And give Lulu a Moon Pie!"
"Yeah!"
"YEAH!"
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!"
"The fuck?"
"Oh shit!" The Kool-Aid Man then exploded into millions of tiny glass shards.
"O-Okay? That was weird." Tobias said looking at the shards on the ground, then shrugs. "Ok so, all we need is a big ass sledge."
"Who's gonna pull it though?" Discord asked while tilting his head.
"You of course!" As those words left Tobias mouth, Discord only had enough time for his face to warp into one of horror before Tobias jumped on him.
"I hate this." Discord said with his hands crossed, having been forced into a reindeer costume.
"Ah shush. Just deal with it."Tobias told him while starting to tie him up to the big red sledge that he pulled out of nowhere. "Aaaaaaaand done!" He smiled happily while looking at his work. "C'mon grumpy face! IT'S TIME TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!"
"Save it from what?"
"Nothing, I just always wanted to say that." Tobias' answer was met with a facepalm from Discord. "Doesn't matter! Let's go!" He jumped in and with a groan of annoyance Discord took off.
And so, the two went off, to accomplish their goal of spreading happiness to the land. Just like the legend says, they managed to reach every single house in the land in a single night, giving everyone presents and sweets, spreading the Christmas spirit!
The next morning, every pony, griffin, and whatever creature that had sentience were surprised to find a decorated Christmas Tree with gifts under it. All that was left as from whoever left them this gifts, was a small note, with beautiful writing on it. "-From Santa Clause" was what it said. From big and small, young and old, everyone forget all the troubles for just one day, and enjoyed it with all their heart.
Applejack got a new stetson, Rarity some beautiful jewelry, Fluttershy got adorable sweaters for her and her animals, Pinkie got a brand new party orbit cannon with guaranteed instant parties, Rainbow Dash got glasses signed by the Wonderbolts themselves, for Twilight a book written and signed by Star Swirl the Bearded himself, and for little Spike, some new comic books.
Oh but let us not forget about our favorite princesses! Celestia got a bottle of Sunny D, while Luna got some Moon Pie! They also had a second gift! Which was a body pillow of Tobias for each of them!
And for Grumpy Old Graves, he got a bunch of coal on him along with a message that wrote: "You ain't going home buddy. Have fun with the ponies for the rest of your life!".
~And so, after spreading the gifts, and a big ol fuck you to Graves, Tobias left the land of Equestria, and traveled through the void towards a planet called Earth, where he became a displacer, or how he is known around, 'The Fate Dealer'~
