Weapon of Math Destruction

by Ultimate Punch


Reunions and Misunderstadings

Despite the bright sun shining at its peak above the school, the weather was pleasantly warm, even cool at times with the occasional breeze. Birds sang happily while circling the area as if welcoming the students to their new school, but their greetings were drowned out by the excited chattering of the youngsters. It was recess now and the foals had been ushered out by their new teacher to explore the play place that would be theirs to enjoy for the next few years.

While most kids were busy befriending their classmates or exploring their new environment, Lyra had no interest in such activities. The unicorn did not care for meeting any new ponies, nor was she intrigued by the winding jungle gyms that several other foals were gathering around. She only had one thing on her mind, and one pony she wanted to acquaint; thinking up a way to become friends with the hostile filly from that morning was all that occupied her mind, but it was getting difficult to concentrate with the constant prattling of her company.

“This year is going to be so much fun,” said Bon Bon with much enthusiasm as she slid to the other side of the bench and wrapped a hoof around her companion. “Miss Summers is so nice, and I can’t believe so many other ponies in our class have their cutie marks!”

“Uh huh,” Lyra half-heartedly agreed while squirming in her friend’s semi-hug. She winced in pain as her friend’s extra body weight added more pressure on her already aching haunches; perhaps sitting in a bipedal fashion around the touchy filly wasn’t such a good idea.

“I thought we were the only foals in all of Ponyville who had them,” Bon Bon went on excitedly. “There was the filly from Sweet Apple Acres with her apple cutie mark, then there was my neighbor, Carrot Top, and—hey Lyra, are you listening to me?”

“Huh?” Lyra responded intelligibly as she shook off the earth filly’s hoof. “Yeah sure, the acres of carrots tops and bla bla bla. Anyways, did you notice that filly, Cheerilee?”

“Yeah, what about her?” Bon Bon asked as she vaguely recalled the magenta filly from class introductions. “She seemed pretty normal to me.”

“Well, she isn’t.” Lyra scooted up to the edge of her seat and shifted her eyes conspiratorially before whispering to her friend. “I bumped into her this morning and found out that she’s a bully!”

Bon Bon’s chest heaved as she sucked in a large, overdramatic gasp. “No way! She’s a bully? Get out of here, Lyra!” She suddenly stopped her excited babbling and tilted her head. “What’s a bully again?”

Lyra locked her eyes on the earth filly in a dumb stare, wondering if she was serious about not knowing what a bully was. But then she remembered who she was talking to. It was Bon Bon, the pony who nearly drowned in the bath tub during one of their sleepovers; the same clutz who didn’t learn how to blink and breathe at the same time until she was five. Her friend wasn’t the brightest pony around, nor was she capable of thinking long and hard without developing a migraine, so Lyra, being the wonderful friend she was, decided to save her the pain and pointed at the earth pony on the other side of the playground.

“See that?”

Bon Bon turned her head to where her friend’s hoof was directing her and eyed the pink pony across the playground. “The filly with the juice box?” asked the clueless filly. “That’s Cheerilee, you dumbo. Did you already forget?”

The unicorn winced at the name-calling and scrunched her face into a miffed grimace. “I know it’s Cheerilee! Look at the pegasus poking her.”

“You forgot her name too?” Bon Bon breathed an exasperated sigh and shook her head with a downcast look that conveyed hopeless disappointment. “Were you even paying attention in class? That’s Derpy Hooves.”

Lyra smacked a hoof to her face and slowly dragged it down, as if doing so would wipe away her frustration. “Just pay attention to them, okay? See how Derpy keeps bugging her?” A slow nod from her confused friend urged her to continue. “Well, since Cheerilee is a bully, she’s going to flip out and totally destroy her!”

Bon Bon immediately forgot about her friend’s terrible memory and gaped in horror as she watched Derpy’s unrelenting pokes. “That’s just awful!” the ivory earth pony squeaked while covering her eyes, hoping that doing so would prevent the hypothetical pummeling.

Despite her lingering agitation, Lyra’s lips curled ever so slightly into a satisfied smirk. Her dense friend had finally given her a good reaction, and now it was time to convince her that it would be desirable to learn about and befriend the bully. “Yeah, it is isn’t it? But wouldn’t it be fun to be friends with a bully like her? We’d get to watch her fight other bullies in turf wars and junk!”

“I don’t know, Lyra,” shrugged Bon Bon as she dropped her hooves and cast a glance back to the other two fillies. “I don’t think she’s even going to do it. She looks pretty angry, but she hasn’t even yelled or anything yet.”

The teal unicorn rubbed a hoof on her chin and racked her brain in serious meditation. “Hmm, well that’s a problem. If she doesn’t beat up Derpy, then I can’t show you what a bully is.” After a moment of intense brainstorming, Lyra raised her hoof as a light bulb blinked on in her head. “I know! If she won’t beat the crud out of Derpy herself, then let’s just instigate it!”

Bon Bon nodded in comprehension and began heading towards their two classmates in a jovial skip. “I don’t know what that means, but it sounds swell. Let’s go!”


By the time Lyra and Bon Bon had arrived at their destination, the situation with their potential friend seemed to have taken a turn for the weird. Derpy had advanced from poking Cheerilee to sitting on her head. The dark pink earth pony seemed to be coping with her tenant just fine, but upon closer inspection, one could feel the anger resonating from her as she tried desperately to conceal her rage. Despite the palpable fury weighing down on them and the dirty looks they received from their target as they approached, the unicorn and her companion persisted.

Oh great, here come a few more ponies to annoy me, thought Cheerilee as she noticed the filly from earlier that morning along with a stranger making their way over to her. The earth pony was probably a close friend of hers, judging from how much noise they were making together during class. But they weren’t the main issue right now.

As soon as she stepped out of the classroom, Cheerilee was accosted by the grey pegasus that was now sitting atop her head, at first with simple questions like, “Do you remember me?” or “Can you guess who I am?” She was probably one of her classmates, but Cheerilee wasn’t too sure since she dozed off during class introductions. After her inability to recognize the filly, Cheerilee tried desperately to ditch her and go off to play by herself. The pegasus, however, had other plans. She constantly stuck to Cheerilee, always trying to make contact with her for some reason and refusing to leave, and now she was even going as far as sitting on her head, just to remain near her.

But it was not only during recess. Even while sitting in her seat in the front row during class, she could feel the wall-eyed pegasus’ eyes—err, eye—boring into her from behind. It was unnerving, yet she did seem somewhat familiar... perhaps it was deja vu? It didn’t matter anymore. What did matter was how she was going to get rid of the three pesky ponies that were trying to ruin her school life.

“Um, hey Cheerilee,” Lyra greeted hesitantly. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you have a pegasus drooping off your head.”

Cheerilee’s juice box gurgled as she sucked the remainder of its fruity contents dry. She then rolled her eyes to the intruders and acknowledged them through narrowed eyes. “Oh gee, thanks. I didn’t notice,” she hissed with caustic venom dripping off every syllable. “Why are you bothering me, anyways? I thought I made myself clear this morning.”

“No problem at all, my bud,” Lyra said as she ignored the last two sentences, much to the annoyance of the rose earth pony. “Nice intro in class, by the way. I cracked up when you stuttered half way through. Are you always that bad in front of crowds?”

“Hey, I did better than you,” cried Cheerilee as she lowered her head in embarrassment to hide her blush. “I didn’t even understand when you were trying to explain your cutie mark to us.”

“Oh, when I was playing the air-lyre?” asked Lyra as she whipped out her imaginary instrument and began strumming its ethereal strings. “Did you like my final solo? You know, the part when I was all, beerow beerow reow row weeeeel!”

Cheerilee slowly backed away from the strange pony making sound effects and stopped only when she was a safe distance away. As she eyed the heaving unicorn regain her composure after the intense solo, she couldn’t help but wonder what the hay she had just witnessed.

“Air-what?” Did she really want to know? No, there was a more pressing matter at hoof—or head, to be precise. “Forget it, I don’t want to know. What I would like to know is how to get this pegasus off of me. Pretending she’s not there isn’t working.”

“Beat her up!” Lyra cheered with a hoof pump.

“What?! Are you crazy?” asked Cheerilee with a raised eyebrow. “A jerk like you would think that up.” Though it was tempting, she wasn’t desperate enough to stoop down to such savage methods.

“Well, why do you want her off anyways?” asked Lyra as she smiled at the lounging pegasus. “She looks so snug and comfortable up there.”

“It’s probably because Derpy’s cramping her style,” guessed Bon Bon as she examined Cheerilee from head to hoof. “She looks… unfashionable. Grey isn’t your color, no offence.”

“No, that’s not why,” huffed Cheerilee. “So, Derpy’s her name, huh. Well, she’s been annoying me since recess started, and now she’s flattening my mane!”

“You weren’t paying attention in class introductions, were you? And why not just take her off?” Lyra asked, her wild bangs spilling over her eyes as she tilted her head.

“I’ve tried,” sighed Cheerilee. “But whenever I reach up and try to snag her—” Cheerilee reached up with her hoof, but right before she could grab her, Derpy’s wings buzzed and she flew up, hovering just above the earth filly’s reach.

“Nope,” said the pegasus from her vantage. Downtrodden and frustrated, Cheerilee let her hoof fall to the ground, and as soon as she did so, Derpy settled her wings and returned to her roost.

“Whenever I try to get her, she does that!”

“It looks like you’ve got yourself an admirer,” Lyra said in a syrupy voice as she elbowed the burdened filly in the ribs. “It’s only the first day of school too. You work fast, you rapscallion you.”

“If you’re not going to say anything useful, why don’t you go suck on a lemon,” said Cheerilee bitterly as she rump bumped the annoying unicorn away.

“Hmm.” Bon Bon massaged her forehead in an attempt to conjure up any ideas that may be of any help to the troubled filly. After a few seconds into her self-petting session, she realized that she was drifting into sleep and snapped her eyes open with an idea. “Have you tried asking her what she wants?”

“Well, I—” Cheerilee blushed as she realized how obvious the answer was. She had already asked Derpy to stop with the poking earlier, and it worked, so how could she not have thought up something as simple as asking a question? “I should probably try that now.” After clearing her throat, she addressed the pegasus atop her head. “Hey Derpy, what do you want?”

Derpy blew an impatient sigh and looked down with one eye while the other stayed glued to the clouds. “Finally! I was wondering when you’d stop trying to ignore me.”

“I wasn’t ignoring you,” argued Cheerilee. “I just wasn’t talking to you. So, what do you want from me?”

“Oh,” responded the pegasus lamely. “Well, I heard that familiarity breeds affection, so I’m trying to get you to be familiar with me. You know, for your attention and junk.”

“I think it’s the other way around,” corrected Bon Bon. “Like, familiarity breeds contempt. And it looks like it’s working.”

“Oh, well shoot.” The pegasus filly slid off Cheerilee’s head and landed on the ground with a small thud. She pawed at the dirt guiltily for a moment before shrugging and raising her head with an apologetic smile. “I guess contempt works too. Our relationship could be like a love-hate deal.”

“Ugh, that’s why you’ve been pestering me?” groaned Cheerilee as she massaged the back of her sore neck. “Well, no thanks. I don’t want to participate in such an unhealthy relationship. And if you want to be familiar with me, pestering me isn’t the best way of doing it. You should just—“

“Boop her nose,” finished Lyra matter-of-factly. “That’s the best way to get to know somepony. Or at least that’s how I met Bon Bon.”

“Huh? What’s that?” asked Cheerilee with anxious curiosity in her voice. Never during her homeschool lessons or while watching television had she ever heard of a boop. How curious…

“A boop, huh,” contemplated Derpy as she examined her hoof. “I’ll give it a shot.”

“Like I said, what’s a bo—” A dull pain accompanied by a grey hoof on her snout stopped Cheerilee from finishing her sentence. “Ngaa!” she cried out in a nasally voice as she backed away from Derpy’s hoof in alarm, but as soon as she did so, something began dripping out of her nose in thick droplets.

Please don’t be boogers. Please don’t be boogers, she repeated in her head as she wiped above her upper lip to see what the wetness was. Only when she caught a glimpse of her bloody hoof did she realize the full extent of the damage the boop had caused.

“M-my nose!” Cheerilee cried out in agony while stomping around the playground. “Owww ow ow, it hurts!”

“Uh oh, I think I did it too hard,” Derpy said as she ducked behind Lyra and Bon Bon.

“No way, that was perfect, Derpy!” the unicorn praised in between her giggles. “I—haha! I can’t believe you made her nose bleed!”

Cheerilee turned around and gave the trio a death glare, causing Lyra to shut her mouth and Derpy to crouch defensively. Bon Bon, however, didn’t notice it through her teary eyes and went right up to the pained filly, stopping only to taunt her point-blank. “Ahaha, look at you! I-I’m laughing too hard. Can’t breathe!” The cream colored filly suddenly stopped her mad cackling and began coughing, as if she were choking on her own laughter. She then hunched over and began gasping for breath, greedily swallowing all the air her lungs would allow her to until her fur had regained its healthy shade of semi-pale.

Cheerilee was not amused. She had never met many other foals since she was homeschooled for such a long time, but were all kids really this twisted? She was hurting and these fillies were being completely insensitive to her pain—heck, they were even laughing at her. Cheerilee tried her best to see how her suffering could be amusing in any way, but she could find no reasoning for their laughter and only became more frustrated, but then she came to a realization. Oh Celestia, she was being bullied.

Bullies. There were bullies everywhere in this school! She thought she was in the clear when she made it into the classroom under the protective eyes of an adult; she let her guard down and depended on her new teacher, Miss Summers, and forgot that it was an everypony-for-herself world out here. What a big mistake that was, and now she was paying for it. But it wasn’t too late to save herself. She could still get out of this by sticking up for herself, but that probably wouldn’t be enough to stop them from messing with her some other time. She had to teach the bully a lesson once and for all, perhaps by giving her a taste of her own medicine.

The laughter died down as Cheerilee slowly removed her hoof from her snout and turned around. Blood was still dripping from her nostrils, leaving a crimson trail down her mouth and under her chin, but that was not what disturbed the other girls. The magenta filly stared at them with contempt smoldering in her narrowed eyes while the rest of her face remained emotionless and composed. Lyra, Derpy and Bon Bon shuffled nervously under the menacing gaze. If looks could kill, they would have exploded.

The ground quaked and several juice cups tipped over as Cheerilee took a step forward, leaving a trail of blood behind her. The oceans separating Equestria and the Griffon Kingdom split, and flocks of birds migrated to other parts of the world in order to avoid the reckoning that was to come. Or at least that’s what Cheerilee imagined it was like as she stomped childishly past Lyra and Bon Bon up to Derpy.

After a moment of painful silence, Cheerilee finally spoke her words to the condemned. “You, me, jungle gym after school. Be there, or else.” And with that, she galloped (menacingly) into the classroom to get her nose checked out by Miss Summers.


Derpy sat there in a daze, mulling over what had just happened with the filly she attempted to befriend. “She… she asked me to meet her at the jungle gyms after school to… to…”

Lyra and Bon Bon put their comforting hooves on her shoulders and stroked her gently, hoping to assuage her worries. The unicorn thought hard for any words that might be of any help, but could find none. It was up to Bon Bon. “Derpy, just calm down and think this through. You have to prepare yourself for your play date with Cheerilee.”

The grey pegasus suddenly sprang from the dirt and began hopping around in glee. “The boop worked! She totally wants to hang out with me!” All of her efforts and all the time she had spent that day to gain the earth filly’s affection had paid off. At first she had the strange feeling that Cheerilee wanted nothing to do with her, but that turned out to be wrong. All she needed was a little push (or a boop) to help her out of her shell.

Lyra finally got her mouth working and cracked a toothy grin. “I told you it would work! I’m surprised she asked you to hang out so soon though. She wasn’t even shy about it.”

“Yup, that’s some boop you did there,” said Bon Bon as she high hoofed the pegasus.

“Oh boy, I’m so excited!” squealed Derpy. “Thanks Lyra. That was some pro tip you gave me.”

“Sure, no probs,” the unicorn said as she waved it off. “But why did you want to be Cheerilee’s friend so badly?”

Upon hearing the question, Derpy’s demeanor suddenly changed. She calmed down from her excited parading and pawed at the ground shyly, causing both Lyra and Bon Bon to look at her queerly. “Well, as you could tell, I’m wall-eyed.”

“Ooookay?” said a confused Bon Bon.

“Umm, let me elaborate. You see, I was born in Cloudsdale, and flying is everything there. But because of my eyes, I’ve always been a clumsy flier and I used to get teased a lot for it.”

“That’s horrible!” cried Lyra as she patted the pegasus’ back. Derpy shuddered as she remembered, but she still went on with her story. These fillies had helped her out, so the least she could do was satisfy their curiosity.

“Well, that’s why my parents moved us here to Ponyville last year. We heard that it was one of the quietest and coziest places to live in, filled with kind-hearted neighbors that all knew each other, and we heard right! The ponies here are so nice, and they help each other out, even if they don’t know each other,” she said as she smiled at Bon Bon and Lyra.

“But I wasn’t safe yet. A few days after I moved here, I got bullied by some of the kids from out of town that were commuting to my kindergarten. I transferred in a little after the beginning of the year, so I didn’t have any friends to stick up for me. They just kept shoving me and calling me names in the playground, and all I could do was sit there and cry while waiting for an adult to notice, but then she showed up.”

Derpy’s scowl was replaced by a brilliant smile as she recounted the day that bullying had disappeared from her world. “Out of nowhere, some dark pink filly galloped towards the bullies and yelled at them while kicking at their hooves. She screamed so loud that the caretakers noticed and came out of the building to see what was going on. The bullies tried to run, but they were caught by the grown-ups and scolded along with the filly that saved me. I didn’t get to see what else happened because I was taken inside, and soon after my parents picked me up.”

“Wow,” gasped Lyra in awe at the heroics. “So what happened to the filly?”

“The next morning I came to school and found out that she and the bullies were all expelled from the kindergarten for fighting. After that day, I never had any problems with bullying and all the other foals were nice to me, but I never got to thank her and I never saw her again. That is, until today.”

“No. Way.” Bon Bon’s eyes shined as she inched closer to Derpy in anticipation. “You think the filly is Cheerilee?!”

“I know it’s her,” said Derpy with confidence brimming in her eyes. “It would be a lot easier to tell if she had a cutie mark, but I’m already certain that it’s her. She has the same voice, the same color, even the same frown she wore the day she saved me! The only difference is that she grew a little taller. I don’t think she remembers me though, but I’ll never forget her!”

“That’s so… intense!” yelled Lyra. “So today must be a big day for you, huh?”

“It sure is!” Derpy said as her wings fluttered from excitement. “I finally met Cheerilee again, and I just know we’ll be the best of pals. But this time, I’ll protect her from bullies too.”

“And we’ll help you out,” said Lyra as she put her arm over the pegasus.

“Yep. With the four of us together, we’ll be unstoppable!” shouted Bon Bon as she laughed maniacally.

“You make us sound like the bad guys,” giggled Derpy. “Wow, three friends in one day. What a great way to start off the school year!”

“And it’s only going to get better,” assured Lyra. “Because we haven’t even hung out with Cheerilee yet!”

The three fillies sat on the dirt and continued chatting about how much fun they would have together, but soon the bell chimed, calling them in to finish the rest of their first school day. With excitement built up and anticipations high, they trotted back into the school building, eagerly waiting for the hours to pass until the time they could assemble their new group of friends.

After school, Derpy had a play date with Cheerilee. Her two new friends were tagging along, and it was going to be so much fun.