Once both teams managed to get all the song and dance out of their systems, they finally began to talk again as Sarge approached Church. "Alright!" he declared firmly. "It looks like we may need to renegotiate things as far as our standard arrangement of the flags, the paint, and the pony!"
"...how so?" Church asked carefully, gripping his sniper rifle.
"And why are you talking to him?" Tucker demanded petulantly. "Who died and left him in charge?"
Numerous judgmental gazes turned Tucker's way.
"...I'm just going to shut up now," Tucker allowed apologetically.
"How long do you think that will last?" Simmons asked Grif.
"I won't bother to hold my breath," Grif replied readily.
"You guys really don't like him, huh?" Donut asked curiously.
"He's my rival," Grif answered firmly. "I will prove superior to him one day, so I can throw it in his face that my lazy ass kicked his."
"How fascinating!" Donut purred happily. "Two soldiers endlessly struggling against the other...how exciting!"
"Hey Grif!" Simmons teased. "Maybe you should tell Donut about your thoughts regarding Maud making you a maso-"
"One more syllable and I'll Tucker you," Grif threatened, aiming his gun down.
"I'll shut up!" Simmons whimpered, covering his crotch with his hands and weapon.
"Why is my name now synonymous with getting shot in the dick?" Tucker demanded angrily.
"Told you it wouldn't take long," Grif pointed out smugly.
"Maud damn you," Tucker growled irritably.
"I'm talking to you because you're the only one on your team now that Flowers is gone that shows any signs of maturity!" Sarge told Church, answering the earlier question. "As such, I assume that puts you in charge! And there are a few things we need to discuss as far as the arrangement!"
"Oh?" Church asked guardedly. "Such as what?"
"First, we each have new troops!" Sarge explained firmly. "They need to be read in on the situation!"
"Easy enough," Church allowed, before turning to shout towards his daughter. "Maud! Tell your baby brother and new pet about the arrangement!"
"Everybody fights over me with paintballs that freeze their armor," Maud explained readily, her voice completely monotone. "Nobody dies. Everyone has fun. Everyone becomes better soldiers. We have parties with cake."
"Best. Assignment. Ever!" Donut and Caboose declared simultaneously.
"Second point!" Sarge declared firmly. "We now have vehicles that have weapons! How is that going to work as far as these combat simulations with paint?"
"Well, as long as both vehicles can use paint rounds in addition to live rounds, I don't see why we can't use them," Church allowed readily.
"But you have a tank!" Sarge declared angrily.
"And you have one more troop than us," Church countered. "So we get the better vehicle."
Sarge growled irritably, but finally relented. "Fine! But only if vehicle capture is allowed!"
"Only if it doesn't carry over to the next match," Church countered.
"Deal!"
"Right then!" Church confirmed. "Let's check to make sure the vehicles can be loaded with paint rounds." He turned towards the jeep in the near distance and the tank way off in the distance. "So...does anyone know how to check that?"
"We could just check our ammo stores to see if there are paint rounds for the auto-gun on the back of the jeep-" Simmons began.
"Looks like a pony to me," Maud pointed out dryly.
"As much as I'd love to call it a pony instead of a Warthog or whatever mythical creature Grif came up with to name it-" Sarge began.
"A puma is not mythical!" Grif snapped angrily. "It's another term for a cougar!"
"That looks nothing like an older woman!" Tucker called out.
"-if we called it The Pony, Grif or Simmons would be grabbing you when I wanted them to grab the jeep!" Sarge concluded. "So we can't call it The Pony!"
"The Manticore, then?" Maud suggested. "The large front is like the lion's mane, the ramming prongs look like the prominent fangs, and the gun is the stinger."
The Reds all turned towards the jeep thoughtfully. "...I like it," Grif murmured thoughtfully.
"I...can see it," Simmons allowed ruefully.
"We're going to end up going with it just because Maud suggested it and Sarge thinks that will get him in her good books, aren't we?" Donut asked curiously. "On the other hand, it does sound bad ass."
"Genius!" Sarge declared excitedly, though to who no one can be sure. "And how awesome is it going to sound when I shout, 'Simmons! Grab the Manticore'?"
"...I have to admit, that does sound awesome," Simmons agreed, slowly warming to the idea. "So, should I check if we have some non-lethal venom for the Manticore's sting, then?"
Sarge stared at Simmons in awe. "...never has preparation for a training exercise sounded more awesome," he breathed in wonder.
"So what about the tank?" Church asked curiously. "Does anyone even know how to reload it?" He turned back towards the tank. "...why's the canopy open?"
"I can check!" Caboose offered eagerly. "I wanna ride in the tank!"
"Sure," Church responded sarcastically. "I can't possibly imagine any way that could go wrong!"
"Yay!" Caboose declared happily. "Thanks Dad!" With that, he turned and raced off for the tank.
"...forgot he didn't get sarcasm?" Tucker asked carefully.
"Yeah, I kinda did," Church admitted.
Caboose eagerly climbed into the tank's canopy. "Gonna help Daddy!" he chanted happily to himself. "Gonna help Daddy!"
As he climbed in, the tank whirred to life as the engine hummed, a headlight illuminated, and a synthesized feminine voice spoke up. "Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."
Caboose froze up. P...pretty lady voice... he thought in sweaty terror in his mind. Don't make a fool of yourself! "Hello!" he declared excitedly. "Sheila...big tank lady? I'm gonna make a fool of myself."
"It is not part of my program to be judgmental of my pilots," Sheila responded warmly. "Would you like me to run the tutorial program to familiarize you with the controls so you don't look as foolish?"
"Uh, yes please," Caboose responded, starting to calm down. "Wow. Computer girls are super nice."
"Tutorial program activated," Sheila answered readily. "This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank for training exercises and active-battle situations."
"Training?" Caboose asked excitedly. "So you have paint rounds?"
"Correct," Sheila confirmed. "This tank, as per requisition, is loaded with explosive paint spheres in addition to its destructive combat payload, currently set to OFF."
"Then I can drive the tank in the mock battles over Maud!" Caboose declared happily. "Yay!"
"Pony named Maud is classified as non-combat unit," Sheila confirmed. "As requested, let's begin with some driving."
Under Sheila's instructions, Caboose began to drive the tank inexpertly around the canyon as he tried to make sense of the controls. Eventually, he managed to get the tank partially stuck on a spire of rock, at which point Sheila declared the driving tutorial complete. "Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some safety features."
"Wait!" Caboose called out worriedly. "Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?"
"The pedal in the upper left puts the M808V into fast run mode," Sheila explained. "This disables the gun turret independent aiming system in order to maximize forward thrust. The pedal in the upper right puts the M808V into silent run mode, which drastically decreases speed in exchange for reduction of noise, perfect for a night time surprise attack."
"...that makes sense," Caboose allowed. "So what about combat?"
"This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence," Sheila explained, "that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button."
Caboose looked down at the controls. "...that's a lot of buttons..."
Some time later, Simmons and Grif drove back up to the group in the Manticore. "Ready and loaded with the paint rounds!" Simmons declared happily.
As the tank pulled up, Church looked up at it. "So what about the tank, Caboose?"
"It's already got paint!" Caboose called back happily. "Just...as soon as I figure out how to shoot them. Is it this button? No..."
"Alright!" Sarge declared. "Everybody back to base for the first vehicle battle!" Hopping into the Manticore, he directed Grif to drive them back to base.
"Alright," Church spoke up. "Let's get started-"
"Oh, this one!" Caboose declared happily.
"Auto-fire engaged," Sheila spoke up. "Target locked." The barrel of the tank's cannon tracked the movement of the Manticore before firing, an explosive shell hitting just behind it.
"Great googly moogly!" Sarge screamed out. "That was a live shell! What do you dam dirty Blues think you're doing?"
"Adjusting for movement," Sheila intoned calmly over open comms.
"Abandon vehicle!" Sarge screamed out as the four Reds leapt off the Manticore just before the next shot sent it flying through the air.
"Caboose, what are you doing?" Church screamed out as the cannon swept around.
"Seeking new target," Sheila spoke up.
"I don't know how to stop it!" Caboose screamed out worriedly. "That wasn't covered in the tutu-reel!"
"Target located," Sheila declared as the cannon pointed at Tucker.
"Not it!" Tucker screamed out as he dove behind rock cover just before the shell impacted.
"I'm out of here!" Doc screamed as he grabbed Maud and ran.
"Non-combat target detected," Sheila stated as the cannon pointed briefly at Doc, the crosshairs locked on Maud. "Searching for new target."
"Caboose!" Church screamed out. "Get out!"
"I don't know how!"
"Target found," Sheila declared. "Firing."
"NO!" Caboose screamed out as he saw where the cannon was pointed.
A deafening explosion...and Church was sent flying through the air, blood trailing from his armor.
"DAAAAD!" Caboose screamed out in despair, slamming his fists down on the tank's controls.
"Auto-fire disabled," Sheila intoned calmly.
"...Dad..." Maud murmured sadly.
"Church!" Tucker called out as he raced to Church's side. "Church, speak to me!"
"T...Tucker..." Church managed to gasp out. "D...do me a favor..."
"Name it, buddy," Tucker answered immediately.
"If...if I don't make it..." Church coughed weakly. "If Doc can't fix me...my armor's still intact. Get...get someone to fix it up...for Maud..."
"I'll make sure of it," Tucker responded. "But you're not going to die. You hear me Church?" There was no answer. "Church? CHUUUURCH?!"