//------------------------------// // Chapter 3 // Story: The Epic Adventures of Major Hartma- Erm Derpy // by Foxaholic //------------------------------// "Derpy..." The Doctor said while knocking on the door. "Open the door already... It's lunch time and there have been at least twenty explosions coming from there. Derpy it's been hours..." He continued knocking, until finally giving up with a groan and mumbling under his breath. "I swear... Sometimes I really don't get you..." He sat down in front of the door to his workshop. He sat there for a few more minutes, being thankful that Dinky went outside to play, so she wouldn't get worried over her mother. Just as he was about to give up, the door creaked open, causing smoke to come out of the room, along with Derpy. She was covered head to hoof in oil and a black powder that made her fur and mane completely black, except for her head, which was covered by a welding helmet. She pulled the said helmet up and said with a proud smile. "Houston, we have a solution." Derpy said as she looked down at him. "Sup Doc?" "Derpy? What were you even doing in there? There was an explosion every half an hour!" He almost never saw her go in his workshop to build something, but in those times something blew up only three times, not twenty! "What were you working on that ended up in so many explosions?" "Remember how I've told you I've been thinking about joining the royal guard?" She asked while taking off the welding helmet and throwing it away. "Yes, you said you'd think about it. What are you getting at?" He asked, worry starting to creep on his face. "Well I've thought about it, and decided that it would be for the best." He opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by Derpy. "And no, I do believe that this is the best course of action. I know the world isn't as safe as we all think it is, the princesses did a damn good job at creating a Garden of Eden for us, and I sure as hell want to keep it that way." She walked towards a window and looked outside, seeing all the ponies with smiles on their faces, living wonderful lives. She turned around to look him in the eyes. "Before you say that others will do it even if I don't, I must tell you this. I don't trust those horrible excuses that they call royal guards. You've seen them, haven't you?" The Doctor looked down at that, knowing fully what she was talking about. The guards were trained, they did a good job... But they weren't nearly good enough to deal with the threats that can come. Hell, if a war started, the only reason Equestria won't fall are the princesses. "You know it. So please..." She grabbed his head and forced him to look her in the eyes, which was a little hard to do considering her condition. "Trust me on this, ok?" He tried to stay strong, but against such adorable and determined eyes, he gave in. "Fine... I'll trust you, just... Take care ok? Dinky's world would be shattered if something bad happened to you." "I know, and that's exactly why I want to do this." She let him go and went back inside to take a weird wooden and metal tube along with some other, smaller cylinders. "What are those?" The doctor asked, while she decided to ignore it and walked in her room. "And what are you doing?" He said while tilting his head. "Getting my stuff of course. I can't miss the train to Canterlot after all." Derpy said while starting to pack some stuff. "Wait... You are going NOW?!" "Well... Today is the last day for signing up to join the Guard. Can't miss it after all." She said with a smile as she walked next to him. "Tell Dinky mommy will come back in the weekends. Oh and don't forget to deliver this letter telling the ponies at the courier company everything." After handing him the letter she continued walking towards the door. "When did you write this letter?" He asked while looking down at said item. "Yesterday while I was working on my stuff." Derpy said while opening the door. "Wait what am I supposed to tell Dinky?!" The Doctor said with panic in his voice. "That I love her!" As those words were said the door was closed. "Well isn't this just lovely..." A sigh escaped his lips as he shook his head at the antics of the gray mare. Suddenly the door opens and Derpy comes back in. "I forgot something!" She said with a sly smile. "What?" Doc tilted his head at her words. 'What could she have probably forgotten?' "This!" She said while grabbing his head firmly and pulled him into a deep kiss. Pushing him away quickly after. "Now I got everything done! Love ya!" Derpy said before leaving. A few hours later, when Dinky returned she saw the Doctor sitting dumbstruck in front of the door. "Are you alright Doc?" She asked him while tilting her head. "Yeah..." "Where's mommy?" "Out to Canterlot..." "Why?" "She went to become a guard..." "Err... Why would she do that?" "I... Don't know..." "Errr... ok?" Dinky said before going towards her room. "Oh yeah... Dinky?!" The Doctor started all of a sudden towards the filly. "Yeah?" "She said she loves you." "Okay!" She said happily before running in her room. The Doctor shook his head. 'What even happened... Why did she... I'm so confused...' He thought while sitting down on the couch. "Well this was an unexpected turn of events..." "Ah... The smell of fresh mountain air!" The grey pegasus said happily while entering the city of Canterlot. "Almost as good as the smell of blood and sweat..." She mumbled while chuckling. 'I have to say, this place is indeed quite impressive, the architects that designed it really deserved some praise. But that's not the point, I have to get to the guard's training grounds. Derpy shook her head and started going towards her destination. As she walked down the busy streets of Canterlot, the nobles she passed didn't even try to hide their impressions of her, the street was filled with the voices of the noble ponies that were expressing their feelings of displeasure of her presence. But the mare paid them no mind, there are more important things to worry about after all. The walk and the signing up was pretty uneventful, the snobby nobles avoiding her, probably because of her condition. Everything went along smoothly and the day ended with her renting a room for the night. The next day started as smoothly as the previous one ended. But, as expected, things did not stay like that for long... The day started well for Captain Shining Armor, nothing seemed to be out of ordinary, and it was time to examine the volunteers that will soon become recruits. He was always excited about meeting new guards and teaching them everything about being a guard that being the thing which he shared with his sister, Twilight Sparkle. Upon his arrival the volunteers stiffened and some puffed up their chest trying to look strong, fact which made him chuckle. One mare did attract his attention however. It was a grey pegasus mare with a pale yellow mane. One of the things that caught his eye was her condition, suffering from wall eyes; however, the thing that really stood out is her posture. Like that of a veteran soldier that is no stranger to discipline. Now that got him quite curious. Of course, he can't show it, else it will make others thing he's making favorites. Much to his annoyance, one of his guards, a really rash one, started picking on the poor mare. I think his name was Hot Hoof or something like that. "What are you retard doing here? You can't even see straight!" The bulky guard said with a laugh. "Dodge!" He quickly said while throwing a punch at her. It was too late to step in, since I was too far. I was prepared to call for the medical team, but in the end it wasn't needed. In a flash the guard was down on his back with the mare on top of him using his hoof to punch him repeatedly. "Why are you hitting yourself? Huh? Huh? What's the problem? Why are you hitting yourself? Doesn't it hurt? Huh? It does doesn't it? Huh? Huh? Then stop hitting yourself! Stop it! What are you, retarded? Huh? Huh? Stop hitting yourself, can't you see you are making a fool out of yourself in front of your superiors? Huh? Huh?" The mare kept telling him while reenacting a scene you usually see in school with a bully and a nerd. Except the role of the bully is a tiny mare and the role of the nerd is taken by a big and burly stallion. It's actually quite funny to watch. "Oh do you wanna apologize? Huh? Huh? OH TOO BAD!" She told him before knocking him out, and then got off of him quickly after, brushed herself off, and turned to me. "What? He asked for it! He's a little bitch too!" She scoffed and shook her head. Two guards tried to get behind her and jumped trying to grab her. As response she simply stepped aside. "You guys are as stealthy as a drunken scotsman in liquor store." She turns towards me and says "These guys are just horribly trained. Like seriously, is this how they act towards those who want to join and help? Ridiculous!" All of them just sat and stared dumbfounded at what the mare did and said. "What? Did your mothers never teach you this? You got some glue up in that bucket you call a head? Maybe the spider that lives there took a shit? Or is your head so fucking empty and toxic it can't even live in there? Talk you bloody fat procrastinated bastards." "Alright..." Shining said with a deadpan expression. "You and me are going to have a talk." He said with a forced smile and picked her up in his magic before turning to the other guards. "In private." And so he headed to his office with the mare in his magic. "Eh... Whatever." Was Derpy's response as she shrugged. "So... Miss Derpy?" Shining Armor asked as he looked up from his papers at the mare who was currently spinning in her chair. "Yeah?" Derpy said while continuing to spin and going all over the room with the chair. "..." The mare kept rolling around while mumbling a song "Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'." "Miss can you stop that?" Shining deadpanned at the mare's actions. "Stop wha-?" The pegasus asked as she spun around some more and then crashed in the side of the room, causing all the neatly arranged papers to drop in a big pile on top of her. Shining facehoofed and groaned. "What is wrong with new recruits in these days..." He mumbled under his breath. "Alright I'll be cereal." Derpy said as she popped her head out from under the big pile of documents. "Heh... Cereal..." She shook her head. "Well the point is that from what I've seen, the majority of the guards here look like they've been trained by kindergarten bullies. Which is, as per say, a disgrace to the entire Royal Guard." "Ah..." He looks down for a second before perking up with a small smirk. "Now that you bring that up, I really have to say that your behavior was, to be frank,-" Shining started. "Hi Frank." Derpy said cheerfully, but he just ignored her. "-it's quite interesting really." He leaned in closer. "You don't act like a civilian. Which, considering how many weird ponies exist, is quite a feat. So tell me this. Who. Are. You." His tone was dead serious. Quite a feat really, considering how silly the mare in front of him was acting. "I'm Derpy Hooves!" She said while tilting her head and sticking her tongue out cutely. Action which caused the Captain to facehoof. "Ugh... Go back to the barracks..." He said while rubbing his temples trying to get rid of his headache. "Oh okay!" The pegasus said happily and skipped towards her destination. Shining waited before she left and sighed. "I'll figure out what's going on with her later, I still have to train the recruits." He mumbled and looked at the giant pile of documents on the floor. "Great... I forgot about those... Horseapples..."