I'm so...

by sejox


Depressed

Depressed

The badlands. An arid, large and lonely place. A huge landscape that most time has been considered as a needless piece of the map of Equestria. But not this day. This day, the badlands was being useful, this usually forgotten place was now an oasis for the heart broken dragon who was using it as a punching bag.

The once before known as tiny and cute dragon, Spike, was now a humongous beast, almost the size of the previous dragon lord, Torch. His size alone was enough reason for its surrounding to tremble with each step and movement. But he did more, a lot more, he kicked, steeped, burned and almost destroyed the arid landscape. The ground beneath him started to crack and crumble, as he roared in agony and pain.

“What should we do?” Big Mac asked to his friend, the lord of chaos. Both of them safely encased inside a magic shield.

“I don’t know for sure…” Discord said, “I thought he will be calm after a couple of minute’s bu-” A deafening roar interrupted his words, making both the stallion and the draconequus wince.

While the pain from their ears ceased, the duo noticed that Spike had stopped moving, his eyes now locked on the sky above him.

“Serve and protect are part of my noble code,” Spike whispered, although his considerable size and heavy voice made it easy for anyone near the badlands to hear him.

“The code of a dragon who craved for more...” He added, as his voice became swifter and calmer. He was giving poetry to the world just like he liked to do when he needed to calm down.

Because my kind is the one that lures for precious things.

But unlike the others I craved for something else…

Something unique.

After all, friendship can’t be horded, and love Implies sharing.

What is he doing?Asked Discord before a red hoof tapped his mouth. Big Mac motioned him to be quiet. Meanwhile the dragon took a huge breath, ready to continue with his speech.

And so I shared their love, and in return I found something…

Something more precious than the tastiest gem,

Something more conformable than the longest dream,

Something more fulfilling that endless power

Something warm, and enjoyable, and sometimes bitter and even painful,

Something with more value than anything else in this world.

Spike exhaled a torrent of flame to the sky, his magic flame leaving a trail of smoke that sparkled like the stars on midnight.

Tears ran down my body as I speak

My mind is adrift while this words are being release.

Love, family, home

I lost a lot of things,

But the cause for this tears to shade my face is other,

What really pains me, is how much life had for them to offer.


Spike woke with a heavy gasp, his body sitting by instinct. He breathed in a slow pace, tears and sweat covering his whole body.

‘A nightmare?’ he asked himself, his eyes adjusting to the dark of the room in which he resided.

Two windows on the left, hospital machinery on his right. To his left side of the bed was a nightstand with some lavender flowers on a pot. On his right side of the bed was his mother, sleeping on a chair.

Mom? And those flowers are from Luna’s garden…’ Spike recalled, “What it’s going on?”

Spike stretched a claw to his mother, stopping in the process as he noticed a big and threatening looking claw. His claw. He backed off in fear, his back hitting the wall behind him.

“Ahg!”

The disruption made Celestia woke from her slumber rather quickly, as her concern and her dazzled state made her jolt towards her son to aid him.

“Spike, my dear,” she furrowed her brows in concern. “Are you alright?” she asked, her tone softer and soothing.

“Mom… sorry” he winced, “I just… this... my claws…” he said before showing his arms to his mother.

Celestia took his left claws. A warm smile beaming between the darkness of the room as she tenderly rubbed and patted his son arm.

“Is still your body, sweetheart,” she assured.

“My body?” Spike asked with crossed brows; his eyes turning wide as the realization hit him and he turned to his own body, “Mom, what happened to me?!”

Celestia stretched her hoof to his son’s face. He recoiled at first, looking cautiously at the thin and fragile member in front of him.

“My knowledge is limited about that matter,” She said, her words soothing him back to reality as he let her mother’s hoof pat his scaly face. “I was hoping that you could tell me,” she added.

Spike scratched the back of his neck while trying to remember, “I was on the castle with my friends… we were roleplaying… then we stopped for a second to talk and rest, and, an-“His eyes widened. ”My friends. Dear lord…” more tears were shed as the dragon clamped his mouth with his right claw.

Celestia stopped her son with a powerful hug, her hold tight as she prepared for the imminent outburst.

“They are-" he stammered, his whole body now trembling and shivering, "no, no, nonononono”

“Hush, hush, Spike, I’m here, calm down, please calm down,” She pleaded. “Don’t let your feelings get the best of you.”

“It’s not fair, they have so much to live for,” Spike whimpered. “Please mom, please tell me they are alive.”

“Discord and Luna are searching for the-”

“Please just lie to me!” Spike exclaimed. “I don’t min-”

Spike was then struck with a powerful blow, his vision becoming blurry for a second before he could realize his mother had slapped him.

“Spike, I know this is hard,” Celestia Stated, her tone was slightly stern but still soothing and calm, “but you need to stay strong, okay? You still have friends who loves you.”

As his mother words echoed inside his mind, Spike started to get back to reality. He pulled her mother into another hug.

“I-I’m sorry… it’s just…” he stammered, words failing him as his tears swelled.

Celestia patted his back. “Just relax for the moment… that will be enough.” She soothed.

… Spike and his mother stood there. For a considerable time. In utter silence they embraced themselves, as the pain on the dragon's heart started to slowly fade.

“How do you do it, mom?” Spike asked, earning an intrigued humming sound as an answer. “I was hoping to ask you this later… like, much later… bu-”

As if reading her son’s thoughts, Celestia interrupted him, “It’s never easy. And just like you, I made quite the show the first time… but I learned to live with it… After all,” Celestia pulled herself from the hug, “the ones you love always leave something for you. Be it their legacy, their precious things, or even their family. You must learn to live with that lost and be there to protect and take care of the things they left behind.”

Spike drifted to his thoughts for a moment. Memories of Ponyville clouded his mind. The farm, the boutique, the crusaders…

“Seems like my dear nephew is awake,” A familiar voice said from the other side of the room.

Spike cleaned his tears and looked up, a blurry vision of a dark blue mare in front of him. “Luna?” he asked. The sparks of magic hanging in the air made it clear to the dragon that she had just teleported inside the room. “Did you- did you find them?”

Luna glared down, “Sorry, Spike. We tried as best as we could, but there are no sights of them in all the village… the only clue we have is that their mission was complete.”

Celestia turned to her sister, her brows furrowed, “Complete? What do you mean, sister?”

“We talked to the ponies of the village. They told us about some old traditions that were ruining their lifestyle since decades but were getting worse in the previous months. They stopped fighting after a vision of the founder of the village told the whole village about the true origin of those tradition, and how they were needed no more.”

As Luna explained her discoveries, Celestia expression was turning bewilder: Her eyes widening and her teeth munching her own lips as an idea formed inside her mind.

“Now the village can flourish properly,” Luna added, “I tried to convince them that our friends could be related with that event; but they only told me that they were gone for three months prior that vision.”

“Three months?!” Celestia gasped, “Are you sure about that? Did they told you when the vision occurred?” she asked with an erratic tone, her hooves tightening around Spike’s body.

“It happened nearly two months ago, that will mean a month after they disappeared from the villa-” Luna trailed off, her words being interrupted by the tears now flowing from her sister’s eyes.”Ce-Celestia? Sister, what is wrong?”

“Mom?” Spike asked, worried of his mother current state, “is something wrong?!”

Celestia unfolded her wings, opening them widely before embracing his son in another hug. She needed to feel him, to embrace every part of him. And so, she used her wings, her hooves, her long neck, even her magic, everything she could use to tight herself around his son’s new body.

Spike stood agape at her mother action. But even when he didn’t know what was exactly happening, a piercing pain inside his heart was starting to swell. He hugged her back, being mindful about her wings.

“M-mom?” he stammered, his voice cracking as more tears rolled down from his puffy eyes “yo-you know something, right?”

“There is a spell” her mother said, sobs following every three or two words that came from her mouth, “a spell that can send your soul to the realm of the deaths… but you have a limited time” She gasped for air, “the- the tim- if you don’t get back to your body in that-” She gasped again.

Spike hold her mother. He didn’t need to know more. Something inside broke. His only hope, broke. Because he wanted to cry, to yell, and to gasp for air every now and again. He wanted to acknowledge to the world what he felt, but found no way to make those feelings rose to the outside.

Luna approached to the bed, her face a vivid image of her own sister current one. Puffy eyes, messed mane, fur drenched in tears, muzzle with trails of goo and droll. She wanted to be hug too, but it was impossible to ask her sister for some space in that moment; so she used her magic like her sister was doing with Spike, and hugged her family with her blue magic as best as she could.

“It’s never easy…” Luna whimpered. “It doesn’t matter how much times I have lived through this… It never gets easy…”

“How...” he breathed deeply, “how, do I tell them? Their friends and family, they all were waiting for them to come back but...” he asked to his mother.

“There is a time and place for everything, sweetheart,” Celestia said, her ragged voice still providing a warm and fuzzy feeling that only a mother can provide. “As for now, you need to rest,” She sniffed. “We need to rest.”


Some hours later

Spike was resting on the bed, his mother wing covering him like a warm blanked in a cold night of winter. His aunt was sleeping beside him, all the labors from the previous night and the morning got the better of her. Just like his mother, He had no tears left to shed; the feeling of void inside the pit of his whole being was the only thing that remained.

The almost palpable silence inside the room made the sudden knocks from the outside startle the seemingly lifeless dragon, “May I come in?” said the familiar voice of Big Macintosh.

“Yes you can, Mac,” Spike said. He played a little with his mouth. Chewing, opening and closing it, shifting it from side to side. His current state let him notice with care how oddly his new tone of voice sounded.

Big Mac entered the room, his expression solemn, “Discord just got back from the village, he explained me everything already... apparently they had been missing for three months.”

Spike stood in silence for a moment. Big Mac was unaware of the truth. Maybe that was the best for him, and for everypony. “How is he taking the news?” Spike asked while struggling his way out of the comfortable embrace of his sleeping mother.

“He told me that he was going to be at Fluttershy’s cottage for a while… ” Big Mac responded while watching how the new form of Spike was presented to him. “Spike… yo-your body… ”

Spike looked down at his body for a moment, “Yeah… is the way in which my body says that I’m crying on the inside…” Spike explained before looking up at his friend, “How… how are you holding it, Big Mac?”

“Right now… I wish I could be as expressive as your body is…” Big Mac sat on the cold floor of the room, a slight wince was the only hint that showed his discomfort, “Spike… there is something I need to tell you, is about our previous conversation in the castle…”

“What do you mean?”

The red stallion sighed slowly, “While I watched you destroying the badlands. I couldn’t help myself but think that I was part of that outrage… that maybe if I had paid more attention to you I could have noticed that behind that smile of yours there were so much feelings bottling up... I…” Big Mac trailed off. He looked at the ground while trying to think in his next words.

“If you really understand your friend, you will help them instead of asking for permission…” Spike said, which made Big Mac Hum in confusion. “Pinkie told me that while we were going to Yakyakistan the day the dragons attacked…” Spike explained, “Those two days were a total ruckus.”

“That means… that am a terrible friend?” Big Mac asked, his ears flopping down.

Spike climbed out of the bed and approached the big stallion. He placed an assuring claw in the farmer’s shoulder. “You are a stallion of few words Mac, talking about feelings is not your thing. I appreciate that you were worried; that is enough for me; so don’t blame yourself for this” Spike said, coughing slightly a second after, “I can’t get used to this new voice…”

The big stallion raised his chin, a slight smile now present on his features. However, his joy didn’t last, as a sudden memory of her sister pulled him back to reality. “Apple Bloom…” he whispered, “I can’t leave her alone while I search for Ap-”

Spike held his claws up, motioning the stallion to stop, “Big Mac, you can’t find her, she is not in this dimension” Spike explained, his mind already composing his next words as the stallion tilted his head to the side, “I have lived long enough around Twilight and the others to know about multidimensional travel and tim-” Spike stopped for a moment, the confused expression of Big Mac was yelling to him to express himself in another way, “Whatever they were doing, they probably got trapped in somewhere out of our reach. We can't search for them because we could end up lost too, so…”

“We wait…” Big Mac added.

Spike nodded, “It’s the only thing we can do, wait for them to come back,” he ended his dishonest explanation, his body spinning to the bed of the room, “Celestia and Luna will need to make an announcement about it later.”

“What about you, Spike?” the red farmer asked.

“All this mishap made me realize how depressed I really was,” Spike said with a melancholic tone, “I still want to help out with everything I can in Ponyville, because helping others is something I really like to do, but I want to do it without lying about my feelings. Celestia and Luna will help me out with that. I can bet their knowledge will be useful… if not, maybe their contacts will do the trick,” Spike chuckled, his toothy smile as sharp as the teeth of a brand new chainsaw.

… The duo stood in silence for a moment before Big Mac turned to the door, upon opening it he turned his sight to Spike, “That is a fake smile, right?” he asked.

“You are still crying on the inside, right?” Spike answered with a snarky tone.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said on his way out, being careful to not make too much sound while closing the door.

… The room was silent again. A discomforting silence for Spike, who stood still while his thoughts bullied him. It was the right choice? Isn’t accepting the truth the best option? What will Twilight do? What will his friends do?

Celestia sat on the bed, the rough tones of the duo had woke her a while ago, but she decided to stay silent. That however changed after noticing that his son stopped moving after Big Mac departures. A simple glance was everything she needed to know what was happening inside the head of the distraught dragon

“Don’t stress yourself, my dear son,” Celestia said, her words snapping the dragon back to reality, “they’re not ready for the bad news. And, your idea will give us time to properly search for their bodies, after all, the spell only takes the soul out of the caster,” she explained, her wing raising in the air as she opened some space for her son to rest, “Come here, we had a lot to talk about. Depression has been a rough enemy to ponykind since the beginning of times, and I will not lose my son against him.”

Spike smiled at his mother as the feeling of void finally started to stop swelling inside his heart, “Thanks, mom, and sorry for not asking you earlier for help,” he said with a sniff.

“Not asking for help is one of the many effects of that ‘disease’, Spike, so don’t apologize for being a victim,” She assured with a confident smile.

Spike smiled at the princess words, his paws moving slowly as he approached the awaiting embrace of his mother. It was going to be a long night for them.

One of so many more to come.