I heard heard voices from time to time. I was drifting in and out of consciousness, but never opened my eyes to see who was speaking. I don't know how much time was passing, but I didn't want to get up.
I woke finally more alert. I still didn't open my eyes. Everything was sore. I couldn't remember where I was or why I was so sore. I tried to focus and recall, it seemed important, but I was drawing a blank.
"I can tell you are awake," a voice said. It seemed like I should know the voice. Whose voice was that? I had it a the tip of my tongue.
"Don't try to move around too much. Your body is still recovering. You took a severe beating. Some ponies might not have survived all the internal bleeding. I was worried you wouldn't. But your talent seems to have pulled you through," Hot Sticks said. Yes, Hot Sticks was who that voice belonged to. I was proud of myself for remembering.
"Can you open your eyes yet?" He asked.
That was a good question. I didn't know why it should seem so hard, but it took me thinking about it to do it. I squinted as the light coming in hurt my eyes. It took a moment for things to gain focus.
I took in my surroundings slowly. It was a big room, with lots of blue, green, and red decorations. I noticed I was in a well cushioned bed. I noticed Hot Sticks too. He was off to my side at a desk. He was looking at me, studying me. I didn't like the fact I had him watching me, but couldn't figure out why. But him watching me made me feel very dirty and ashamed.
"You are likely very unfocused right now. You have been more or less unconscious for three days. Your body and mind are still in shock. It will pass soon," he continued.
Oh, that was why it was so hard to think clearly. Why was I in shock? Some memory played at my mind, but I couldn't recall. It felt like something I didn't want to think about, so I didn't.
"You have been a very popular mare the last few days. You had three separate Alicorns visit you while you slept. They wanted to see how you were doing. They were worried about you. I will have to send word that you are awake. They insisted on knowing," Hot Sticks said.
Three Alicorns? Why would three Alicorns be worried about me? I felt sore, but I was alright. I was just really sleepy the last few days was all. I wasn't any pony special that Alicorns should be coming to visit me.
My thoughts gained a bit more clarity and went to one pony. I spoke up for the first time. "Where is Biblo?"
I saw Hot Sticks lower his ears in regret a bit. "I have not let her come in to see you. I was worried she would accidentally upset your injuries with her desire to show you physical affection. I also didn't want her getting exposed to whatever may have been going on in your head. She wasn't physically hurt badly, but there are other concerns with her."
Biblo had been hurt? What did he mean other concerns? I took my own self in finally. I had bandaged everywhere. One wing was in a splint. I looked really rough. What had happened?
I sat thinking for a moment. It was something just out of reach in my thoughts. What was the last thing I remembered?
It came flooding back all at once, and I let out a sob. I remembered what had happened. The other Thestrals, Biblo pinned against the wall, the beating, and...the other thing.
My mind raced. I felt claustrophobic. The walls felt like they were closing in. I felt all the bandages on me, and I wanted them off. I didn't want things attached onto me. It made me scared. I started panicking and thrashing about. I wouldn't be held down again. I couldn't let that happen. Why was this happening.
Hot Sticks was at my side in a second. He tried putting a hoof on me to calm me down. I flinched away from his hoof. He lowered it back down and gave a sad shake of his head.
"You are okay," he said. "It is over. No one here will hurt you like that again. You need to calm down. You are going to hurt yourself. Please, trust me. I know it is hard right now, but you need to trust me."
His words calmed me a little bit, but not much. My heart was racing. Why did I feel so helpless? I was away from them. I was safe. Hot Sticks was my friend, why was I flinching away from him?
"Just breath," he said. "This is not an uncommon reaction to what you have gone through. You are having a panic attack. You need to take slow deep breaths and remind yourself you are okay, and that you are safe. Take a slow breath and count to ten as you do it."
I did as instructed. As I reached ten my heartbeat had slowed down some, and I didn't feel so claustrophobic. I was still shaking though. He said this was normal? How long would this keep happening? Not knowing what else to do, I just cried.
***
I don't know how long I sat there and sobbed. Hot Sticks didn't stop me. He didn't hug me or anything else either. He was probably afraid he would set off another panic attack. Buy it eventually I got to where I could start thinking again. I just had to not think about what had happened.
I finally got brave enough to start asking questions. "Where are we?" That was a safe subject.
Hot Sticks lifted a good in gesture. "You are in the hospital wing of the temple of Meadowbrook. I pulled some strings and was able to get you treated here, after we found you."
"Did Meadowbrook return?" I asked. "Is she going to take care of Starlight's Folly? She didn't take all the last three days taking care of me and not take care of our town did she?"
He shook his head. "No, she is not back, but she has been sent for. While you were asleep we have had our petition moved forward. Stygian and Fluttershy are off to look into it personally. We haven't heard back yet, but hopefully with two Alicorns looking into it we will know something soon."
Okay, that was good news. It made me feel a bit better. "You said that three Alicorns came to visit me. Who came?"
"Luna, Pinkie Pie, and Starlight Glimmer," he replied. "Luna was enraged over what had happened. She found your assailants and almost murdered them herself. She had to be restrained by other Alicorns. They are currently incarcerated in the city dungeons awaiting trial. Starlight Glimmer had a personal interest in you, which you may easily guess at, and was eager to see if you would be alright."
I felt honored that my two patrons decided took take such a direct interest in me. A large part of me wanted it to be that Luna was able to finish off my attackers. I felt some small resentment that the others had stopped her.
"And why was Pinkie Pie here?" I asked. "Was she worried about Biblo?" It seemed to make sense that if my patrons came to check on me, then Biblo's would come check on her.
Hot Sticks paused considering his answer, then he said. "She was worried about Biblo, and did come because of her. But it was because Biblo made such a ruckus. For several hours after you came in she was yelling and breaking things. Carrying on about how she broke a Pinkie Promise. Finally Pinkie Pie came herself to address Biblo's insistence that she had broken an oath to her. She checked in on you after attending to Biblo."
I was confused. "She didn't break any Pinkie Promise."
Hot Sticks nodded. "That is what Pinkie Pie said as well. Biblo didn't take Pinkie Pie denying her lack of oathkeeping well. She cussed the Alicorn out and started throwing things at her."
I blinked. It was getting easier to do so. I was pretty sure I could move on my own. Hearing Biblo had cussed out Pinkie Pie was shocking. Add assaulting an Alicorn to that, and I worried about how much trouble she must be in right now.
"Is she alright?" I asked hesitantly.
"Pinkie Pie or Biblo?" Hot Sticks asked. "Pinkie Pie is fine. Alicorns can not be easily harmed physically. An angry Crystal Pony throwing things doesn't make the top million most dangerous things an Alicorn has to deal with. I think Biblo might have managed to hurt Pinkie Pie's feelings though. Pinkie Pie didn't take any retaliation for what Biblo did, just left Biblo alone after that."
"And is Biblo still doing all that?" I asked, afraid my marefriend was going to still be in trouble.
"No," Hot Sticks replied. "After that she first tried insisting on sitting in with you. She was denied that for the reasons I told you. Right after that Luna arrived and interviewed us to find out what she could. I must apologise that I had to disclose what you had told me about your past. When an Alicorn demands information you give it to them. Biblo was present and heard it all."
I gulped. I had some part of me that was angry he had told some pony else what I had told him in confidence. But he was right, you did not deny Alicorns any information they asked. Biblo may have gotten away with assault on an Alicorn, the rest of us ponies knew better than to tempt fate.
"How did Biblo take it?" I asked. I hadn't gotten around to telling her about my full past yet.
"Well enough," Hot Sticks said as adjusted position on a nearby cushion. "She didn't really say anything at first. When I asked her how she felt about it she just said that she did another stupid thing, not knowing what she was doing, and that she would need to do better to keep you safe. She has since divided much of the last two days moping outside your door, visiting the library, and watching the Medical Guard train."
"Medical Guard?" I inquired.
"Meadowbrook's personal guard," he explained. "Every Alicorn has their own division of guards in the military. Meadowbrook is no exception. They mainly are present to defend medical crews and civilians in armed conflicts, but they are still trained soldiers. Smaller guard units, like Meadowbrook's, do their training at their Alicorn's temple. If you are not attending the sick the two most interesting things here are the library and the guard."
I tried to rise to my hooves. I fell flat on my face. It hurt, but I began an attempt again.
"You just regained consciousness after being asleep three days, and you still are healing. I don't think you should be trying too much physical activity," Hot Sticks warned. He didn't do anything else to stop me though.
I tried again and finally got into a standing position. "I won't be doing any running, or flying, for a while. I do want to move about some. I think it will help me not feel like I was earlier."
He gave me a quick nod. "If you think so. I wouldn't normally recommend a pony with your injuries leave bed yet, but you do heal fast and well. Your mental health is likely our biggest concern, and if you feel it will help try it. But please, take things easy. If you feel you are exhausting yourself get back to bed."
I didn't respond. I was focused on trying to get out of bed. It was just a large cushion on the ground. Nothing I could fall out of, but I was still unsure on my feet.
With a few shaking steps I was clear of the cushion. Looking around the room again I noticed a small balcony. I slowly made my way over to the balcony. Hot Sticks followed a safe distance behind, ready to catch me with his magic if I looked like I was going to stumble.
I made it to the balcony without incident and looked around at the surroundings. We were pretty high up. Not so high it induced any anxiety about heights though. The balcony looked down on a courtyard far below where I could see the formally mentioned Medical Guard going through exercises.
They had an obstacle course that several were running. It seemed to be aimed mainly at training ponies with no wings, as it was all ground based obstacles. In another area they had dummies set up that archers practiced on, and another area where you could see ponies dueling with blades strapped to their forehooves. It was interesting to see. I had once briefly fantasized about joining the Lunar Guard since my mother was a member. Every little filly wants to be like her mommy. I was no different, male body at the time not withstanding.
Scanning around I spotted who I hoped to see. Biblo was in attendance as well. She was almost right below me. She was laying down with a book between her forehooves, though her attention seemed focused on the various training regimens of the guard. She was too far down for me to shout to and hope to be heard, so I just watched her as she watched the guard.
After a few minutes an idea occurred to me. I took a few breathes to check, and then turned to Hot Sticks. "My breathing seems fine. Would it be okay if I had my pipe? I want to try something."
He gave me a skeptical look. "I don't normally recommend my patients smoke."
"Well, it is your fault I do," I replied. "I want to try using my magic. My breathing is fine as I told you. Did you bring my things?"
He grabbed up my life pack and floated it over to me. I pulled the pipe out and began preparing it. He spoke to me as I did. "If you start coughing I am taking it away from you. But I suppose exercising your magic is worthwhile. Sometimes ponies with a lot of trauma can have trouble with magic. So, we do need to see about that. Your survival ability seems fine, but testing the rest won't hurt."
I did a draw letting the calming effects take hold and let it out without incident. I then went to work on the plume. I was trying something a bit more complex. I formed it into a little smoke cloud and didn't let it disperse. I added a few more plumes to it trying to darken it up. It was bright outside and I wanted what I made to be able to be seen.
After I was satisfied that it was thick and dark enough I began shaping it. My final creation was a good likeness of my cutie mark. Now for the part that I hadn't tried before.
I tried to make the thing sink down while still holding shape. It took a lot of concentration on my part and I had no idea what my limits on range were. I was about to find out in any case. I ever so slowly navigated the little cutie mark down towards Biblo. The closer I got to her, the more a strain it became.
I was sweating from the strain now. Hot Sticks spoke up. "I told you not to overexert yourself. You are straining. You need to stop that for now."
I shook my head. "Just a little bit further, this will be done one way or another in just a few more seconds."
It was in range of her now. Biblo just had to glance up a tiny bit and she would notice it. She wasn't being accommodating though. I had to push a little bit further. Finally I floated it down to eye level for her, and held it for one last moment, before I had to let it go from the strain.
She looked up at me. I could see her face move from puzzled to overjoyed. The next thing I knew she was gone. Moving as a blur back into the temple and likely to me.
I was right about Biblo heading up to greet me. Within moments there was some pony pounding on the door of the room. Biblo could be heard on the other side calling. "Let me in! Let me see Pearl! You have kept me out while she is sleeping, but she is up now. I need to see her. I need to make things right. Let me in! Pearl, tell the mutant duck to let me in!" Repeated bangs continued on the door. I was surprised it held up to the amount of abuse she was laying on it.
"Can you please open the door Hot Sticks?" I asked. "She is right, I am up, and you don't have to keep her out anymore."
He harrumphed. "Just remember to take it easy. You know how physical, and excitable, she can get."
He used his magic to open the door. Biblo was through the door right away. She looked at the bed first as if expecting me to be in it, despite the fact she had just spotted me up on the balcony. She gave the room a quick scan until her eyes fell on me.
She ran over to me and attempted to give me a hug. I was all for it happening. But as she wrapped her forelegs around me it happened again, the panic, the claustrophobia, the fear of being touched. Without even thinking about it, I pushed away from her and let out a cry of panic.
I sat there for a moment trying to pull myself together, taking deep breaths, and counting to ten. I got it under control after a minute of this and looked up. Biblo was on the far side of the room away from me just staring. There were tears in her eyes, and she had the most hurt look I had ever seen on her face, or any pony's face for that matter. My ears fell as I looked at her. Why did I have to have a panic attack then? Why was I even having these at all. I had been hurt before, hurt badly before. What was different about this?
"Biblo, I didn't mean to do that," I pleaded with her. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that."
She just looked at me with ears held low. She finally rushed out of the room without a word. I wanted to call out after her, but I didn't know what else to say. I had already apologized. I didn't understand what was going on with me right now, so I couldn't explain it to her. Normally she would just be able to hug me and know, that might not be an option for the time being.
Hot Sticks watched on with sympathy. "She got to touch you, she likely knows you aren't upset with her. She just needs to sort it out. I told her that this could possibly happen as well. Just give her some time."
I wanted to go rushing off after her. I wasn't in any position to go rushing off anywhere though. My heart was racing again, and this time I was panicking about something very real. I had hurt Biblo's feelings.
I tried to do the breathing and the counting. It wasn't working. The claustrophobia was setting in again. I wanted to take off flying, but one of my wings wouldn't respond. Why wasn't my wing responding? That increased the panic.
Hot Sticks noticed my condition and spoke to me in a soothing voice. "Pearl, close your eyes, and breathe. Now think of what I am saying to you. You are safe right now. Biblo is worried about you, and what just happened isn't changing that. Biblo cares about you. I worry about you because your my friend. You aren't alone. Neither of us is leaving you."
"Biblo just ran off," I let out despondently.
He signed, "Biblo isn't going anywhere. She doesn't even have a means of leaving if she wanted to. She has no bits for the ride down and she is under medical watch too. She just needs to calm down a few minutes and clear her head. I will talk to her about what's going on. She will understand."
Right then another knock came at the door. Was Biblo back already? It calmed me a lot to think she might already be back. My ears perked up.
Hot Sticks reopened the door and my ears fell back down. It wasn't Biblo. It was the Alicorns that Hot Sticks said would be checking back in on me. They must have been alerted of my being up when Biblo had been trying to pound down the door. I should be overwhelmed by the honor and the feel of their presence, but I was generally just disappointed they weren't Biblo. At least the panic had gone away.
Hot Sticks prostrated himself as the entered. I didn't really do anything but watch. I should be doing something similar, but I couldn't bring myself to care. It was strange how quick my emotions could flip. One moment panicking I upset a pony, and the next unconcerned I was not showing proper respect to Alicorns. I casually wondered if this was some sort of symptom.
I knew Starlight Glimmer, as she was unchanged from when I last saw her. I knew Luna from my own prayer doll depiction. The last was obviously Pinkie Pie, she bore a striking resemblance to Biblo, if Biblo had pink hair, was taller, and was an Alicorn.
"My little pony," Starlight began, taking the lead for the Alicorns, and gave Luna a passing smug look as she spoke. Luna looked a bit annoyed at it, but made no response. Starlight continued with a more motherly tone to me. "I am relieved to see you awake. I know your talents first hoof, but your injuries were severe. I am glad they impressed me yet again."
Starlight started walking towards me and Hot Sticks moved to intercept her. Standing in front of the taken aback Alicorn he spoke, head still lowered. "Forgive me your Holiness, but I would recommend not getting too close for the moment."
Starlight Glimmer tilted her head and asked in a neutral tone. "And why should I need to keep my distance from one of my subjects?"
Hot Sticks looked to her apologetically. "Pearlwort is recovering rapidly from physical injury, but she is having panic attacks due to the emotional trauma of what happened. Being touched seems to be a consistent trigger. This will likely pass with time, but she has just started trying to cope with this. Being touched by some pony so overwhelmingly powerful could trigger a strong reaction."
Starlight gave me a sympathetic look. A similar look passed between her fellow Alicorns. She looked at Hot Sticks again. "I respect your care of your friend and patient. I find no fault in you blocking my path. You are to be commended in fact. I will take your words to heart and speak to her from here instead. I would ask that you wait outside till we leave. We wish to discuss various matters with your patient."
Hot Sticks removed himself from in front of Starlight Glimmer and then the room. The Alicorn sat in her current location. Starlight sighed and then spoke. "Forgive me being formal Pearlwort. There are certain, expectations, Alicorns have to maintain. Since you are not bowing and prostrating yourself I hope we can just do away with that for now, and talk like normal ponies."
My Alicorn was saying she wanted a casual talk. I wasn't going to argue with her. It also was less stressful having to not worry about how I was supposed to be behaving. This was the more motherly figure I had met before, not sure if I could deal with the more formal version right now. I nodded, keeping silent.
"I can only imagine how you are feeling right now," she continued. "I have seen it many times in the past, but thankfully have never endured that experience myself. At least, if I have I don't remember it," she turned her head to Pinkie Pie. "And no, I don't want to be told if I ever did."
I couldn't imagine any way this could happen to an Alicorn. Then I recalled Hot Sticks telling me the Alicorns were all once normal ponies. I supposed that there was opportunity long ago. I wondered what kind of pony Starlight Glimmer had been before becoming an Alicorn.
Starlight went back to addressing me. "What happened to you is very upsetting. Unfortunately, it is something that happens far too often. However, the three of us all have personal interest in finding out the circumstances of what happened, and we were deeply troubled by what we found. There is a sickness of spirit among our subjects that we were somewhat aware of before, but listening to the circumstances of your incident hit us hard."
"What do you mean?" I finally spoke up.
"The animosity and hateful attitudes directed towards you disgusted us and made us feel ashamed," she said, lowering her ears. "We were aware of prejudices existing. There are always ponies of prejudice. But the extent, and the sheer scale of it, shocked us. We feel a message needs to be sent to our subjects that this is unacceptable. Which is one of the reasons we wished to speak to you."
"So, you are going to make some sort of proclamation? Why do you need to speak to me about that?" I asked.
Luna stepped forward and sat herself next to Starlight. Then she spoke. "We intend to make a public example that this kind of prejudice is not going to be tolerated. We rarely do it, but we intend to hold public trial against your assailants. Public trial with all the greater Alicorns sitting in judgement."
That was certainly something that every pony would talk about and try to see if possible. I still didn't see how this required them to talk to me.
"The trial is a formality really," Starlight spoke, retaking control of the conversation. "Guilt is certain, and we will be very harsh in judgement. What we need from you, to make this worthwhile, is permission to disclose all you went through and why. We wish it to be clear how much prejudice played in what befell you. We will make it clear we are not only condemning rape and violence, but the hatefulness that sparked what happened. However, we will not do so without your permission."
My heart started racing again. I didn't want every pony to know about me. About how I had mixed parentage, about how I was born with a male body. The Thestrals knew already, and they were the worst in terms of how ponies react to such things, but I felt like my freak status to all the other ponies would just be cemented further.
I closed my eyes and started counting. As I started breathing I reminded myself that they were giving me a choice. I had control over whether they would say it all to the world or not. I could say no. They gave me the power. Realizing this fact, my panic subsided. I had control over what happened, and that brought a feeling of security.
I looked at Starlight Glimmer and Luna. I glanced in the direction of Pinkie Pie, who still had not said anything. The pink Alicorn gave me a small smile and spoke for the first time. "What happens is your choice," was all she said.
I turned back to my patron. "I'll allow it. I will even testify if you want me to. I want justice, but I also want to help any other pony that might be like me. If this might make things better in the future, then I want to do it."
Luna spoke up. "Excellent! I admit this situation has me very angry. I want swift and bitter justice on the perpetrators. It offends me deeply that my Thestrals should hurt one another," Starlight coughed into one of her forehooves and gave Luna a look. Luna rolled her eyes and continued, "alright, that my Thestrals should hurt a former one of mine, or any pony for that matter. I was aware of the misguided nature of Thestral communities, and I should have acted directly before now to start correction. You have my apologies for allowing this to fester, and having you forced to flee your home. You were right to take another Alicorn as patron, I failed you."
It seemed like Alicorns had pissing contests between each other on who took followers from whom. This made them seem a little petty, but made them seem a little more like normal ponies too, sort of anyway. As if reading my thoughts Pinkie Pie laughed. It was completely inappropriate to what was just said, but the other two seemed to pay it no mind. I guess you get used to weirdness after thousands of years.
Pinkie Pie spoke up for the second time. "Since that is settled, would you two mind if I talked to Pearl alone for a few minutes?"
Starlight and Luna looked at Pinkie Pie, then to me, then to each other. Then Starlight spoke to me. "We will come by again to discuss when things will proceed. It will take time to gather the others back in Harmony. I have already secured permission from Twilight to call them. We only needed to discuss this with you first. Take care Pearl."
The two rose to their hooves and began to exit. Luna spoke one last time to me before going. "Regardless of whether our message sinks in quickly, I promise you that with your fellow Thestrals you will have nothing more to fear. I intend to take more direct action with them. I will not have my name muddied with justifications for such crimes. Such blasphemy will not go further unaddressed," and with that the two left the room, leaving me with the Alicorn of Laughter.
Pinkie Pie looked sad as she looked at me. For the embodiment of joy and laughter it was pretty depressing. She walked over to the location the other two had sat and sat down herself.
"I apologize for them treating you like some prize that was won," she began. "All of us do that sometimes. But it really is a sad thing most of the time when a pony changes Alicorn patrons. It usually means something went wrong for that pony. We can get a little smug about gaining a pony follower from another, our level of authority in the council is based on our number of followers after all. That doesn't mean we don't care about the circumstances."
I waited not knowing what to say. "With that in mind," Pinkie Pie continued, "I may be losing a follower of mine soon to another. Bibulous Bottom is a good pony, and she has been a good representation of what I stand for, but I feel she might be looking elsewhere for guidance soon."
"I am sorry," I said, "she is just upset right now. It was a very upsetting experience. I can't imagine she'll lose her joy and laughter. I can't imagine her not being a bit silly."
Pinkie Pie smiled, but didn't raise her ears. Her expression was sad but accepting as she spoke. "I think she will likely get back to laughing again soon too. It might take a little time, but she will. It doesn't mean she isn't changed by what happened. She saw something horrifying, and it hurt her a lot. She is looking for more than laughter to guide her now. I don't know what way she will turn to guide her, but laughter isn't likely going to be it.
And that's okay," Pinkie Pie said with a hint of resolve in her voice. "My first priority is seeing that my ponies are happy. If she needs some new guiding principle to make her happy, I support it. But I want you to promise me you will do everything you can to make her happy. She adores you. In a few days time she has made you the center of her world, and it isn't just some passing crush."
I nodded. I very much wanted to just go seek out Biblo this very minute, and try to make her feel better. Pinkie Pie had no need to ask it of me.
Pinkie considered for a moment. The considering of whether to tell a pony something rather than what to tell a pony. Then she spoke again. "I know things. Secret things that I can't explain. There is a lot going on right now. I know you make it to the end, you're the narrator after all. I am very limited in what I can see. The fourth wall only shows so much. Make sure you keep her safe to the end too."
That was cryptic and confusing. I thought it best to just nod. here was little hope of understanding what she just said. I did understand the part about keeping Biblo safe and happy though. I would do my best.
Pinkie Pie rose to leave. "I wish I could do more. I was the one who found you and brought you up here after those bad ponies got to you, if no one told you. It was the most I could do for you. You are not a helpless pony, remember that. What was it you do? Think wolfy thoughts? It's kind of silly, but whatever reminds you that you aren't helpless."
She exited the room without any further goodbye. I don't think I had ever told any pony about the wolfy thoughts mantra. How did she know about it? How did she know to find me? She was a very strange Alicorn. Not that I had much experience dealing with Alicorns.
I pulled myself to my hooves. Looking for Biblo was going to be painful. My body wasn't up to all this movement yet. But I had the excuse that an Alicorn tasked me with it, so Hot Sticks could not deny me. I hoped that the stairs weren't too steep going down.
Hot Sticks was not happy with me, but he followed behind, ready to catch me if I stumbled. I was slowly making my way down a curved ramp path leading down to the first floor. I had expected a stairway, but this path down was even more frustrating. Hot Sticks explained it was to help wheel beds up easier. The path did have small raised bumps along it for catching wheels of the said beds, so they wouldn't roll down the ramp. Seemed like it would make for a very bumpy trip for any patient. For me it just made trying to walk down it, with my injuries, all the more troublesome.
He had acquiesced to my demands to go hunting for Biblo myself. I had implied to him Pinkie Pie had ordered I do so, though technically she didn't actually order me to go searching for her that second. Hot Sticks didn't know that of course. He had offered to go find her and bring her back, but I was insistent.
My legs felt ready to fall off as I reached the bottom of the ramp. I had to orient myself to figure out which way the courtyard was I saw earlier. Hot Sticks did me the courtesy of pointing me in the right direction. Though he continued to grumble I should still be in bed, and that no self respecting doctor would be letting me do this unless an Alicorn ordered it.
As I made my way through the entrance of the courtyard I spotted her right away. She was sitting upright, again watching the ponies go through their drills. Her back was to the entrance so I couldn't see her face. I doubted she was aware I was behind her.
I signaled Hot Sticks to keep back at the entrance as I made my way over to her. Hot Sticks sat at the doorway and pulled out his pipe with a very silent grumble. I slowly approached Biblo.
She didn't notice my approach. I finally came up beside her and sat when she finally took notice. Her eyes went extremely wide, and she seemed torn on what to do. I could tell she had been crying. I hadn't said anything, and my eyes were turned to the guards, though I could still see her clearly in my periphery vision. She finally just turned her eyes back to the guards in training, though I guessed she was watching me as well.
We sat silently for a moment. Just watching the guards train. It was getting late. I guessed that they would soon finish for the day. I decided to break the silence.
"I'm sorry I reacted that way," I said.
She took her eyes off the guard and looked at me directly. Her face went through several emotions as she searched for what she wanted to say. Then she hung her ears and closed her eyes before saying. "It's not your fault. I was warned, and I didn't listen. I have been reading about it, and haven't paid attention. If any pony should be sorry, for everything, it is me."
"You are not to blame for what happened," I replied. "It wasn't your fault."
A bit of anger flickered in her eyes and I could see her work to control it. "I was the one who signaled those Lunar Guards. I was the one who ran like a little filly through the streets, and got us lost. I was the one who was right there with you, and completely unable to stop them!" She spit on the ground in anger with the last sentence.
"You didn't know how the other Thestrals would react to me, that was my fault," I said. "As I recall, I only got us further lost when I spotted them. Finally, those were trained soldiers, neither of us stood a chance."
She kept staring at me. Emotions rolling over her features as she tried to come up with more reasons why she was to blame. She finally just broke down crying.
"I felt so helpless, Pearl," she sobbed. "I saw them doing that to you, and I couldn't even put up a fight. Maybe you couldn't fight them off on your own, but it was taking three of them to restrain you. If I could have done more so more of them had to deal with me, then maybe you could have stopped them."
"We don't know if that would have made a difference," I told her as I shook my head in denial.
"Well, it could have!" She shot back with anger now. "Why are you defending me? You should be angry with me."
"Biblo, it was not your fault," was all I could say. I didn't have the words to convince her.
"Pinkie Pie came to me," Biblo said to the ground, speaking in a low voice. "She said the same thing. I told her she could go to Tarturus."
"I heard," trying not to chuckle at the image of little Biblo chasing off a huge Alicorn. "I also heard you pretty much assaulted her. She came by to visit me just now. She was worried about you."
Biblo blinked at that news. Then lowered her head again. "I am not sure I want her concern. I am not sure I want her for my Alicorn anymore. I like laughing, and having fun, but I want to be able to do more."
"You can still do that with Pinkie Pie as your Alicorn," I said. "I don't think she objects to you trying to better yourself."
"Maybe," she sadly replied
"So, you heard about my past," I said, changing the subject. "Everything I told Hot Sticks." She nodded to this and I continued. "I intended on telling you about it all the other day, but things got in the way. I might have told you sooner, but was worried you might think me a freak."
"Why would I think you a freak?" She asked, looking up in confusion. "Yeah, I wish I knew about how your tribe thought of you. I really wish I had known that. But, why would I think you a freak?"
"Well, the whole being born with a male body. Maybe, you would have felt that weird."
"Okay, now you are starting to sound like the stupid pony," she snorted and gave me a stern look. "Let me explain something, I have a Changeling mother. Do you know anything about Changelings? They don't have defined sexes. She took a pony mare form most of the time, but other times she was a stallion. A pony changing from stallion to mare physically, or the other way around doesn't matter to me. She is my mother and you are my marefriend," her ears dropped again. "At least you were my marefriend. I don't know if you still want that or not. I don't know if that is all messed up now."
"Of course I still want you as my marefriend," I said sternly back. "I was worried you might not want me after what happened a little bit ago. I had another panic attack right after it happened because I thought I had hurt your feelings!"
She was still crying. It took her a moment to reply back. "I did get my feelings hurt, but it wasn't your fault. I was just thinking that now you wouldn't be able to touch me anymore without feeling reminder of what happened."
I couldn't take this. I got up despite the soreness and wrapped my legs around her in embrace. She stiffened, afraid to move. Then slowly returned the embrace.
"I didn't think you would be able to touch a pony for a long while," she kept crying as she spoke into my shoulder.
I didn't have any feelings of panic at all.
"Maybe because I am initiating it, that helps for right now," I explained. "Makes me feel like I have control of being touched. It will take a while, perhaps, for me to get as easy with others touching me, but if I am the one choosing it, then that helps."
We just sat there hugging for a few minutes, with her taking in my feelings and emotions. She didn't break the embrace, but did turn her head to speak. "Pearl, do you mind if we stay here for a while after your injuries heal? If they don't need to have us go back to Starlight's Folly for anything, once they figure out what to do there? Or come back here after we are done with that if they do?"
"I would think you would never want to be in Harmony again after what happened," I said with some surprise.
She gave a little shake of her head, before answering back. "No, not the city, here in the temple. I talked to the Guard captain. I don't want to join the Guard, but I want to learn how to fight. Learn how to defend myself, and learn how to defend you. They have a big library too. I could learn all kind of things, so I don't feel so stupid all the time. I never want to feel helpless like that again. Never again," the last bit was said with extra firmness. "They said it is alright. But I want to know if it is alright with you. Is it okay?"
"You're a grown mare Biblo," I replied. "You can make your own choices."
She hugged me a little tighter. "But I want you here with me. I want to do this for me, but I also want to do this for you. I don't think In will ever find a pony that gives as good a hug as you do. I feel safe with your hugs. I want to be able to keep you safe too."
I couldn't refuse her. I wasn't going to find another pony like her anywhere. I had also made a promise to myself, and to Pinkie Pie, that I would keep her safe and happy. I intended on doing just that. "I support you one-hundred percent if this is what you want to do. Just don't forget to smile. I love your smile."
She buried her face in my fur to hide her blush. I did catch sight of it before she got it hidden though. Then she gave a little chuckle. "If you love it then I will have to remember to keep doing it for you. And thank you for understanding."
We eventually broke our hug and just went back to sitting for a while. Hot Sticks had departed without me noticing at some point as I didn't see him about. The ponies training had departed as well. It was just my the two of us out here as Luna's moon came into sight.
Biblo pulled herself to her hooves and looked down at the obstacle course with a determined look. She then turned to me and asked. "Starlight Glimmer is your Alicorn right?"
I nodded the affirmative.
"What is she the Alicorn of again?" She asked. Looking back to the obstacle course.
"Alicorn of Empathy, Patron of Misfits and Outcasts," I answered without hesitation. There was at least one Alicorn I knew all about.
"I think I might start praying to her instead. She gave me you after all," she smiled as she said that. "And empathy is kind of my thing too after all. I am starting a fresh path. I still like Pinkie Pie, I guess. But it is time to think about what's more important to me than just being carefree. Fresh start, fresh Alicorn. I'm even a bit of a misfit myself."
I smiled at her, just enjoying her presence and enjoying her being self assured. "I am sure Starlight will be happy to have you. Pinkie Pie talked to me and said you were likely going to change who your personal Alicorn was, she seemed to understand, she just wants you happy."
Biblo smiled with the knowledge her decision would be accepted all around. Then she said. "Well, the captain said I could start trying the obstacle course on my own tonight. It's night now. I guess I should get started. Wish me luck!"
"Good luck!" I shouted to her as she took off towards the course.
I watched as she attempted the obstacles. Her results were not so great, down right embarrassing really. She ended up with her muzzle planted in the dirt regularly, went splat against walls that she was trying to clear, and generally fumbled every section of the course. I had to remind myself that this was her first real attempt at doing this, and that she would get better with practice. Still was painful to watch though.
"So what's your marefriend up to now?" Came a voice from my side. It startled me and made me jump a bit. Hot Sticks had stealthily taken up a seat beside me, and was watching Biblo currently pulling herself out of a pit of mud that she had fallen into while trying to cross a balance beam.
I settled and turned my attention back to Biblo, before taking time to reply. "She wants to learn how to fight. The captain of the guard told her that he would allow her to train. He said she could start trying to run the obstacle course by herself tonight."
Hot Sticks nodded. He pulled out his pipe and produced mine as well for me. I had apparently left it out up in my room. After lighting his and lighting mine for me he spoke. "I have seen the guard whip ponies far more out of shape than Biblo into fighters. Seen those same ponies do even worse than what she is doing now when they start off. If she is committed to it, then I have faith she'll end up doing well eventually."
I blew a plume and shaped it into a sponge like Biblo's cutie mark. "That's a relief. Looking at her current attempts I was worried she might end up feeling embarrassed." Biblo punctuated my statement with another unintended tumble to the ground.
"Oh her performance right now is embarrassing," Hot Sticks laughed and banged a hoof against a leg. "But embarrassing performance is typical for most ponies when they start doing this kind of training. Just don't let her get discouraged. She'll get it down if she keeps to it."
"She decided to take up Starlight as her new personal Alicorn," I said, and then winced as Biblo went muzzle first into a stone wall. "Said she needed a fresh Alicorn for a fresh start."
Hot Sticks blew another plume and answered. "A good match I suppose. Empath and all. I watched you two from the balcony for a while. It seems you have mended any hurt feelings from earlier. You also had physical contact without you having an episode, that's very good to see. Your resilience is a marvel."
I shivered a little. Just thinking of physical contact with another pony felt wrong right now. "I won't be better with that for a while. I don't know if I will ever be better. Just thinking about it..."
I had to stop talking. I closed my eyes, and started taking slow breaths. I hated this. But I would get through it. I wasn't even sure if what had happened had fully sunk in yet. I felt like I was blocking thinking about it. I didn't want to think about it. I wouldn't think about it. If I didn't think about it I could pretend it didn't happen and everything was okay.
I opened my eyes again and saw Biblo again on the balance beam trying to make her way across without falling. Something she hadn't managed as of yet, like every other obstacle. Another faceplant in the mud was likely incoming.
I saw Hot Sticks give me a sympathetic look. He looked like he wanted to reach out for a moment before thinking better of it. He turned his attention back to Biblo.
"It will take time," he said as he kept watching her along with me. "You likely are still suffering psychological shock. Don't force it. Keep to doing what it takes to calm yourself, redevelop your sense of control. If it persists badly for a long period of time we will look into other solutions, but for now just take it easy."
I nodded. Biblo was a mere ponylength away from crossing the beam for the first time. I was holding my breath for her. She wobbled like she was going to fall again, pulled herself back to balance, and took the last few steps clearing the beam. When she got her whole body on other side of the beam she looked back at it with amazement.
Hot Sticks and I let off a cheer and stomped our hooves. We must have been loud, because we startled her. She turned to see us and I could see her smiling. She gave us both a wave and moved on to the next obstacle.
Yeah, I just had to keep doing what I needed to do. I could get through this.