"I can't believe you," Church growled at Tucker as he strutted about in his 'new armor', the very armor Captain Flowers had been wearing not even a day previously. "You are such a vulture!"
"Hey, I called dibs," Tucker countered playfully. "You didn't really think I was kidding, did you?"
"He wasn't even cold yet!" Church snapped angrily.
"Well I wasn't going to wait that long," Tucker pointed out logically. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a body out of regulation battle armor once rigor mortis has set in? Trust me, definitely better to do it while they're still warm."
"...for the sake of my sanity, I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that," Church replied evasively.
Though his face wasn't visible through the faceplate of his helmet, one could still metaphorically see Tucker's slowly spreading grin. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a body out of regulation battle armor once rigor mortis has set in?" he asked teasingly. "Trust me, definitely better to-"
Church pulled out a handgun and spun towards Tucker. "For the sake of Maud's innocence, I'm going to shoot you in the head if you say it again."
"Like you could hit me," Tucker taunted. "Do you have any idea how hard-YIP-OW!" he screamed out, ducking as the gun went off only to get hit in the stomach. "That's not my head!"
"Well you're the one who ducked," Church replied as the paint from the training round crystallized.
"But if I hadn't-you were aiming for my dick!" Tucker called out. "Why did you try and shoot me in the dick?"
"Head, part that does your thinking for you, same difference," Church allowed grumpily. "Look, with Flowers dead, I've sent a call to command for extra backup, and it should be arriving soon. We're getting an extra man...and a tank."
"A tank? Sweet!" Tucker crowed happily. "When are they-"
"Hello!" a happy voice greeted from directly behind them. "I am Private Michael J. Caboose! Are you guys Blues?"
Turning, they found a soldier in bright blue armor standing in front of a tank, the cockpit and main cannon thereof capable of swiveling a full 360 degrees. "Uh...hi-" Church began.
"Ha!" Caboose suddenly called out, pointing at Church. "He said it!"
Church and Tucker glanced at each other in confusion. "Think he's alright in the head?" Tucker asked worriedly.
"Ha! He said it too!" Caboose declared happily. Nearby, Maud tilted her head thoughtfully as she examined him.
"Maybe not..." Church allowed.
"I like him," Maud stated firmly. "Can I keep him?"
Caboose gasped as he caught sight of Maud. "A talking pony!" he declared happily, scooping Maud into his arms and cuddling her. "I always wanted a talking pony! Actually, I always wanted to be a talking pony, but saying that got odd looks, so I just said I wanted one! I will love you, and brush you, and squeeze you, and call you-"
"Maud," Maud interrupted to introduce herself.
"That's just what I was going to say!" Caboose declared happily.
Maud turned to Church. "Can I keep him?"
Church looked from the apparently happy Maud to the plainly unbalanced Caboose and threw up his arms in frustration. "Fine!" he called out in frustration. "Go ahead! If it makes you happy, I'll adopt him! Have fun with your new idiot younger brother!"
Caboose gasped excitedly. "Ohmygosh! I got a new big sister, a pony, and a new daddy all in the same day! Best day EVER!" He began to spin around as he cuddled Maud happily.
"Do...you think they realize you were being sarcastic?" Tucker asked Church curiously.
"At this point, I'm not sure I was being sarcastic," Church answered morosely, though he couldn't help but smile as he caught sight of the small smile on Maud's face.
Sarge angrily lowered the binoculars he had been using to spy on the Blue Base, and the focus of all his present attention and ambition. "Treachery!" he declared angrily.
"What is it this time?" Grif grumbled irritably. He'd been down on himself ever since he'd learned that Captain Flowers had died from - apparently - eating the cake he'd made for Maud and Church. As a result, he'd been less than enthusiastic with mining or training, and had instead been spending more time stuffing his face and ignoring Sarge's rants about him being a lazy, gluttonous, good for nothing waste of space excuse for a soldier. If he was really responsible for killing someone with something meant to be nice...he almost believed the rants. Seeing Sarge glare his way, he added a rather surly, "Sir."
"The Blues have a new soldier, and he's already bonded strongly with Maud!" Sarge proclaimed ferociously. "This cannot stand! We need to get a new soldier who will also bond with Maud, or we'll fall behind in the Pony Race, which is much worse than falling behind in the Arms Race even though Ponies don't have arms!"
"Well, he seems to act rather childish," Simmons observed as he lowered his own binoculars. "That shouldn't be too hard to emulate-"
"No!" Sarge interrupted. "We will not lower ourselves to copying Blue tactics to beat the Blues! We will need a new tactic!"
"Well, how else would we win her over?" Simmons asked in confusion.
"Yeah," Grif added ruefully. "How else would you win over a little alien girl than acting like a child?"
"That's it!" Sarge declared suddenly. "If we don't dare act childish to win her over, we need to try acting girly! We need a new recruit who can be as girly as can be to see if that wins her over!"
"Something tells me this was the absolute worst - or possibly just strangest - moment I could have chosen to report in," a new voice spoke up.
Turning, the three Reds saw a fourth soldier in bright red armor stepping out of a Jeep that looked somewhat like a Puma - or possibly a Warthog - if you looked at it just right. "Who are you?" Sarge demanded angrily.
"Private Donut, sir," the soldier reported. "Reporting for duty here in Blood Gulch-"
"Go paint your armor pink and make friends with the pony, soldier!" Sarge commanded firmly.
"Pink and a pony?" Donut gasped happily. "If there are rainbows, this is the best assignment ever!"
As Donut raced off to do as ordered, Sarge turned to watch what would happen.
As Church watched Caboose and Maud playing happily - well, he assumed it was happily based on Caboose yelling "I am so happy!" every other minute and Maud not countering - he noticed someone approaching. "Halt!" he called out, lifting his sniper rifle to cover the approaching stranger. "Who goes there!"
"Don't shoot!" the pink-armored soldier called out desperately. "I'm only armed with training rounds! I'm not here to hurt anyone!"
"Identify yourself!" Church ordered firmly.
"I'm Private Donut!" he responded immediately. "I'm a new recruit with Red Team!"
"What's your mission?"
"I'm here to meet the pony!"
Sighing, Church lowered his weapon. "Carry on."
Donut happily skipped over to Maud. "Hi!" he greeted happily. "I'm Donut. Can I be your friend?"
Maud stared up at Donut for a time, then reached up and yanked him down to the ground and wrapped her forelegs around his neck. "I'm keeping this one," she stated flatly.
"I'm not adopting him," Church insisted firmly.
"Then get me a leash."
"I feel like I should make a joke here, but I don't think you're old enough," Donut observed warmly.
"And already you're an improvement on Tucker," Church observed dryly.
"HEY!"
"Success!" Sarge declared as he lowered his binoculars. "Being girly succeeded in befriending Maud! Now it's time for Phase 2!"
"Phase...2?" Grif asked nervously.
"I don't know why, but I'm suddenly abjectly terrified," Simmons observed worriedly.
"Don't you get it, men?" Sarge proclaimed as he warmed himself up for an inspirational speech. "Maud is the ultimate weapon of destruction and carnage! It is up to us to prove ourselves worthy of being the ones she destroys for, instead of the ones she destroys! As such, we must find what it is that wins her over and achieve it at any cost! She has shown a fondness for childishness, so let the Blues be the babies! We shall show her the superiority of being real men! Because only real men such as fill the ranks of the Reds will be comfortable enough in their own masculinity to act as girly as humanly possible for the mission! Men, it's time for Operation Showtunes!"
"And now I know why I'm terrified," Simmons groaned.
"Step in time, men! We're going dancing!"
As Church watched with his head tilted as Maud and Caboose led Donut around on a leash, the loud roaring of an engine caught his attention. Looking up, he saw the Reds pulling up in a new jeep. "What do these guys want this time..." His voice trailed off and his head slowly tilted as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing.
"Are they wearing...tutus?" Tucker asked in disbelief.
Sure enough, as the Reds stepped out of the jeep, it could be seen that they were wearing tutus over their armor, complete with oversized ballet slippers. They arranged themselves in a row and waited for Maud to turn their way. Once all attention - especially pony attention - was on them, Sarge called out, "Five, six, seven, eight!"
The three immediately began to sing and dance, Sarge being the lead voice with Simmons and Grif backing him up.
I feel pretty!
~feel pretty~
Oh so pretty!
~so pretty~
I feel pretty and witty and ~gay~!
And I pity...any girl who isn't me today!
~Fa la la la LA la la!~
As everyone continued to stare, Sarge suddenly rounded on the other two. "That was the most disgraceful performance I've ever been a part of!" he declared angrily.
"No argument there," Grif mumbled under his breath.
"Both of you need to put more enthusiasm into the Fa la las!" Sarge declared angrily. "And Grif, that was the saddest excuse for a pirouette I've ever seen!"
"I don't think that number actually has pirouettes as part of West Side Story's original choreography," Simmons pointed out nervously.
"Pink, ponies, and musical numbers?" Donut gasped excitedly. "This really is the best assignment ever!"
"I know, right?" Caboose agreed eagerly.
"...feels like home," Maud murmured thoughtfully.
"My name is Caboose!" Caboose suddenly started singing as he began a very awkward looking dance. "And I am here to say! I'm gonna make you smile and-" His chest suddenly became riddled with training rounds.
"No!" Sarge declared angrily as he lowered his shotgun. "You are not stealing our girly dancing thunder! You already have a monopoly on childishness for winning over the pony!"
"Hey Grif!" Tucker called out, handguns in each hand. "How's this for a pirouette?" He then proceeded to perform a perfect pirouette while firing rounds off in Grif's direction each time the guns were pointed the right way.
Grif, for his part, swayed and dipped to dodge each round before spinning on his head and opening fire in his own way. "Break that down!" he declared angrily.
"Dance battle!" Donut cried out excitedly as he proceeded to open fire while performing rather 80s dance moves.
Church quickly snatched up Maud and moved out of the line of fire as a full fledged dance/gun battle broke out, with both teams trying to out-dance and out-shoot each other simultaneously...and managing to stay pretty even, even without his involvement. "I...have no idea what to make of this," he said finally.
"Is this the real life?" Doc sang out in confusion as Church approached him, his eyes unable to pull away from the strange battle which seemed to move slower as he sang. "Is this just fantasy?"
"...sounds about right," Church allowed before deciding to join in for the next two lines.
Caught in a land~slide
No escape from reality!
Maud smiled softly, feeling very at home for some reason.