Dear Princess Luna: Special Edition

by arcanelexicon

Where Were You?

With the night sky completed, it was time for Princess Luna's second duty for the night. Making sure that ponies' would sleep well each night was nice, but answering letters to her newspaper column had helped her win over the public's trust, solidifying her place as Equestria's most popular princess. She randomly selected one letter, opened it, and began to read.

Dear Princess Luna,

Where were you when the changelings attacked the royal wedding?

-Orange Peel

She had been receiving many letters like this lately. It was getting frustrating. It was time for her to answer it. She would have to devote an entire column just for this one question. With her mind set, Princess Luna began writing.

To all my faithful readers,

Ever since this column started, I have been receiving numerous inquiries as to my whereabouts during the wedding invasion. Today, with the approval of my editor, I hope to clear the air regarding this mystery with this special exclusive column.

I assure you that your Princess of the Night heard your calls on that fateful day.

I remember that day clearly. The moment we heard the alarm, my Royal Night Division scrambled into action. An elite army of five hundred stallions and mares readied themselves. Your Princess would be leading them. I put on my armor, which was as black as the blackest night and then proceded to the armory to choose my weapons forged by the most skilled blacksmiths in all of Equestria. Swords would be useless against the changelings tough chitin, which led me to bring my trusty war hammer, Black Widow into battle.

We charged into battle. Pegasi filled the skies. Their gleaming armor and war cries reminded me of the elite valkyries of ancient times. The earth shook under the hooves of the earth ponies. Like the fabled spartans, these were the elite, and they were ready to fight. The unicorns had their horns crackling with energy. These magical prodigies would either enhance their comrades with the aid of magical armor, increased speed and reflexes, or they would act as magical artillery, bringing the wrath of fire and brimstone like their founder, Tim the Prodigal Sorceror.

We marched into battle, morale was high, and the troops were raring to go, ready to face the horde, until we were stopped by a single guard.

"Let us through!' I shouted in my most intimidating Royal Canterlot Voice.

He pointed to the sign and in a very irritated voice, asked me a single question. "Can't you read?"

I looked at the sign, and sighed.

Sister, your very intelligent ideas have doomed us again!

I angrily placed a bit on the counter. "Let me in this instant! The city of Canterlot is under siege and it needs us."

He pointed once again at the sign.

"WHAT?! Can't thou make an exception?! I am a princess and my city is under siege!"

The guard just shrugged. "You'll have to file an exemption form and submit it to Princess Celestia."

"How about this then? Here's 125 bits. It's enough to let my army of 500 pass."

"Sorry princess, but each pony has to pay their share of bits as stated here in the laws set forth by Celestia herself. If you wish, here's a pamphlet."

I looked the pamphlet over. "Blah blah blah, all profits go to the royal cake fund, yadda yadda yadda as it is a bureaucratic and accounting nightmare when one pony pays for a group, attempting to pay for a group of ponies will result in exile...."

"Alright, how about a bribe? Maybe a date with the beautiful Princess of the night? Riches galore? A romp with any stallion or mare of my army?"

Another nonchalant glare met my gaze. "Look, I'm just doing my job here, and I'm being lenient as it is. I really hate to file paperwork so please read the last paragraph, Princess."

Once again, I started reading. "Blah blah blah an attempt to bribe the collector will result in the perpetrator being imprisoned in Celestia's dungeons. The safe word is 'banana cake.' No wonder Celestia has that Faust awful smile early in the mornings.

I looked to my army, my elite, stallions and mares who would readily give up their lives for their princess. I knew that they would not have an answer for me, but the situatuon was dire. My decision was final. I had to ask the brave stallions and mares a difficult question: "Does anyone have a fistful of quarters?"

There was murmurs all around, but with my acute hearing, I was able to hear some of their conversations and most if it centered around 'No' and "What is she talking about?"

"Well, someone has to get it." I chose my fastest pegasus. "Fast Pass, with your blazing speed, I task you with this humble quest. Find enough quarters for our army and quickly!"

Fast Pass took to the sky, scouring the cities around Equestria for quarters. The arid desert city of Appleloosa, the concrete jungle of Manehattan, Los Pegasus, the city of the burning forests, and many others in his valiant quest.

Unfortunately, it took Fast Pass about four hours to get enough quarters and by that time the battle was over.

Thanks to your *ehem* very wise Princess Celestia, my army never got to the battle.

I am sure you have additional questions regarding my army and i shall try to think of them, and answer it as well. Questions like:

What does an army do while it is bored?

-It all boils down to stupid decisions and lifetime regrets.

Any of your soliders single and available?

-First, you'll have to win the approval of his or her four hundred ninety nine comrades, along with the approval of the Princess of the Night.

What are your elite soldiers afraid of?

-The long wait for their medical benefits.

Any last words?

-Stupid toll booth.