//------------------------------//
// XX. Confession 
// Story: Abandoned Memories 
// by Mika 
//------------------------------//

	For once, the memory I recalled was not horrid. It wasn’t the dreaded murder of my parents or a calamity from the psychiatric hospital. It was the memory of the very first pony I had met: somepony I could refer to as a “friend.” This is it! The key that will shed the light on my darkened past!

You brought your hooves to your temples, closed your eyes, gritted your teeth, and began trying to induce flashback. After a few seconds, you were already dismayed.

Come on, come on! Why can't I have another flashback?

It had been no longer than a few minutes after having unlocked a new memory that you quickly longed for another to resurface. You had just deduced that, if a flashback had brought upon a repressed memory, then that experiencing them was the key to revealing your past. The only problem now was inducing another one.

Okay, what have I done before that had begun another flashback?

"Hey! I'm still here, you know."

As you opened your eyes and lost concentration on trying to instigate another flashback, you realized that Rainbow Dash was sitting before you.

"You know, it's been a long time since I've seen you smile," she snickered.

Taking that as an insult, you quickly turned your supposed smile into a frown, only to have Rainbow Dash interfere.

"No no, it's a good thing!" she exclaimed as she motioned towards you, trying to get you to return your smile. All you could muster was a blank expression to replace your frown. 

Rainbow Dash starts up once more, "So what happens now? Should we keep trying to get you to have flashbacks?"

You rose to your hooves and replied, "I suppose. That seems to be the only way that I can unlock my memories. If that ridiculous dance of yours was able to reveal the memory of when we first met, then I imagine that there are plenty of other ways to bring them about."

Apparently Rainbow Dash had only heard your opinion of her dance, as she quickly defended herself. Imitating you, she rises to her hooves and says, "Ridiculous? You used to do that dance all the time with me when we were in school! And trust me, you didn't look any less silly than I did!"

You simply responded with a glare, causing Rainbow Dash to veer onto a different subject. Clearing her throat, she asked, "Well, do you wanna go back to Cloudsdale and see if you can find something else there? The day's still young."

Yes, of course! The city in the sky may very well be the only way to unlocking my memories.

Not one to let your excitement or optimism surface, you plainly nodded, and with that, Rainbow Dash began heading towards the door but stopped. She turned to you and began to speak, reluctantly, "Ya know, what if instead of a new memory, you see the memory of your parents'... you know, death? I mean, how can you tell?"

Whatever hope and ambition you had built up was quickly demolished by her question. You felt a cold sweat form as you mulled it over.

She's right... Damn, she's right! I have no idea of knowing whether or not the memory will be my parents' death or a new memory. I've only experienced it twice, and they felt similar.

Unsure of what to do, you stood there motionless and stared forward like a fool. It wasn't until Rainbow Dash called your name that you were broken from your deep thought.

"Listen, I know what you're thinking. But come on, you can't have that kind of attitude right now! And you don't know that for sure. I was just saying 'What if?’ Now, let's go to Cloudsdale and see what we can find!" she exclaimed, trying to create a change of heart within you. Once again, you quickly evaluated the possibility of a recursion of the memory you dreaded.

The moment that I unlocked a new memory, I felt... content. But, seeing my parents' death again, being worse than the nightmare... I haven't seen my parents in my sleep since Rainbow Dash took me in, and I am grateful for that. But now she's pushing me to continue to re-experience these memories, and I run the risk of reliving that night.

Merely thinking about recalling the memory sent shivers down your spine, but you quickly recollected your calm psyche.

Is it worth it? I can't say for sure now, but I must press on... it's what Rainbow Dash wants.

After finally returning your attention back to reality, you see Rainbow Dash still waiting by the door. You began to walk towards her, until she interjected, "You can leave your saddlebag behind. I don't think we'll be needing it.”

With a quick turn of your neck, you saw that your saddlebag was indeed still on you. You'd had it on for so long that you had blocked its existence from your mind, but the idea of having to remove your saddlebag was unnerving. You were already cringing at the idea of taking it off and you hadn't even done so yet. But, when you returned your vision to Rainbow Dash, you saw that she was carrying a less-than-amused expression. Not wanting to spawn a debate at this time, you unwillingly removed your saddlebag, exposing your Cutie Mark. Having this shown, you retreated into a submissive stance, which gained Rainbow Dash's attention.

"Ugh, I don't know why you're so embarrassed of your Cutie Mark. I like it! It's... original and awesome! Kinda like mine," she chuckled, while emphasizing her own Cutie Mark. Her accusation had sparked a sudden interest in your own Cutie Mark.

She's right. Why am I ashamed of my own Cutie Mark? Before, I hid it to prevent anypony from seeing it... but she's the only pony who would even recognize it as far as I know. No, there's something else about it...

"Alright, well come on. We don’t have all day!" She was now out of the door, and slowly, you made your way to the doorway, but stopped before leaving.. You took a look outside to see that Celestia's sun was still shining brightly upon your darkened coat. Still gazing towards the sun, you felt a tug on your hoof and you were vigorously tossed onto the cloud supporting Rainbow Dash's home, Cutie Mark exposed and all. Although you felt incredibly uncomfortable, Rainbow Dash took flight, leaving you behind with no other option but to follow her. Staying a little bit behind her, you delved back into your thoughts about your flashback conundrum.

I can't recall any specific indicators as to whether or not the memory I re-experience in a flashback will be something I've repressed... or the memory of my parents' death.

Trying to recall the events both prior and afterwards of when you experienced a flashback, one thought seemed to stick out; a sentence uttered by Rainbow Dash after having awakened from your painful re-experiencing of your parents' murder.

"I know what it's like to feel unwanted and alone, and to feel like you'd be... to feel like you'd be better off gone. But you're stronger than that. I know you are..."

That's what she had told me. That's what she said after I nearly escaped so that I could kill myself. What does she mean by that? Is it possible that... that she's suffered from depression herself? No, impossible. She would have told me that... Wouldn't she have? Regardless, I'd like to believe that I'd be able to tell if she's undergone depression. And as far as I've seen, she hasn't portrayed any of the same symptoms I have. Hell, she's practically my opposite. But.. Then why do I find myself attracted to her?

The second you had realized what you had just asked yourself, your train of thought became derailed, and spun into another argument between your two consciousnesses.

Attracted? That’s insane! As you've just stated, she's the complete opposite of yourself! How can you find yourself captivated by that pest?!

She's not a pest! She's saved me multiple times from committing suicide!

Saved or prevented? You know that you've been longing to end this miserable charade you call a life! What good has unlocking a memory done to you? Do you feel any less grim about your existence? Do you feel as if your memories unlocking will bring you any form of delight? I doubt it has. Tell me, what will unlocking a pointless memory of your past do to end your depression?

It... it'll show me that my former life wasn't hideous or somber. That there was once a time where I was... happy.

Again, I ask what good would that do you? You're just attempting to stall the inevitable. The cyan mare has only prevented you from finishing yourself. She'll only end up tormenting you.

That's a lie! Ever since I've begun to communicate with her, the re-occurrence of the dream of my parents has stopped. I've even been able to unlock a repressed memory because of her! I may not be attracted to her, but she's done nothing but help!

After finishing that thought, a sense of dishonesty loomed over you. For the remainder of the flight, you attempted to keep your thoughts at bay, merely focusing on the occasional cloud that you would pass by. After a few minutes of seemingly staying calm, you finally saw the city of Cloudsdale. Rainbow Dash slowed her pace, waiting for you to approach her side.

“Okay, we’re here. So where do you wanna go? I’m trying to remember some cool places from when we were kids.”

Finally having something else to focus on, you searched the vast regions of your memory to find any location that you might possibly remember. Closing your eyes, you tried to remember even the smallest hint, but to no avail. It was futile. The only location you had remembered was the small cloud that you and Rainbow Dash had met on. Giving up, you turned to her to see that she was looking towards the sky, having a different method for recalling memories.

“Well, I got nothing. I guess we can just fly around for a bit. See if anything jogs your memory.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but she began her flight before you could even utter a single word. Disgruntled, you were given no option but to follow her. After flying for a few seconds, you began to take notice of the other pegasi flying within your vicinity. You remembered that you did not have your saddlebag with you, which only caused your paranoia to kick in. Rainbow Dash began to take notice of your constant double-takes and spastic flying.

“Hey, what’s the deal? Wait, it’s not happening now, is it?” she frantically asked. 

Despite being in a state of panic, you managed to reply, “All of these pegasi... they can see my Cutie Mark.”

Rainbow Dash’s groan startled you, as it was rather emphasized. She crossed her hooves, and seemed about ready to scold you.

“Take a look around you,” she said, stating your name. “Nopony here recognizes you! And besides, if somepony else did recognize you, don’tcha think that would be a good thing? Maybe they could tell us something about you that neither of us can remember. So come on. Ease up, wouldya?”

Her sudden snap stirred a mixture of emotions for you, ranging from malice to offense. Unsure of how to react, you weakly broke eye-contact with her and waited for her to resume flight. 

This is what you want? To be admonished for your fears?

She’s right. I shouldn’t be intimidated by others, solely for the fact that they might recognize me.

No she isn’t. She’s hiding something from you, remember? What if what she’s hiding correlated with what happened to your parents?

That’s ridiculous. What could she possibly have to do with that?

Regardless, she’s reserving herself. How else would she know what it is like to feel unwanted and that you’d be better off dead?

Despite never wanting to side with your more pessimistic conscious, you couldn’t shake the thought of Rainbow Dash having gone through something traumatic. Was it possible that the pegasus who was helping you salvage your life had suffered through something similar?

“See anything yet?”

Her voice, once again pulled you back into reality. As you quickly evaluated your surroundings, you saw nothing that would instigate a flashback.

“No,” you responded coldly and flatly.

How will I approach this to her? I can’t just simply ask her, can I?”

Unsure of how to bring up such a topic, you meekly began, “Rainbow Dash...”

“Hold that thought! I think I’m onto something here.”

Discouraged, you continued to follow, keeping interest on what events must have transpired that would cause her to understand your situation.

Is it possible that her parents suffered a similar fate to mine? No, I’m sure that she would have told me that. Damn, what is she hiding?!

With your curiousity peaking, it became rather difficult to maintain your calm demeanor. You were about to speak again. That is, until Rainbow Dash amplified her speed and left you behind. You imitated her by increasing your speed, but she abruptly stopped and proceeded to land on the closest cloud to her.

“Does this place look familiar? I don’t wanna tell you what it is, ‘cause that’ll be too easy for you.”

You gazed upon the immense building Rainbow Dash had presented to you: a large colosseum, layered with clouds that served as the seating area. A bizarre sensation came upon you. You felt as if this stadium held a key memory, but one that was morbid, as if a great tragedy had taken place here. As unsettling as it was, you couldn’t bare to leave it alone. Again, your interest lead you to ask Rainbow Dash what had taken place in this arena.

“What happened here?”

“You really don’t remember, huh? Man, I thought for sure that you would remember this place for sure! Come on, think! I’d thought that this would be the most important day of your life!”

The response Rainbow Dash had bewildered you. The looming sense of a murky memory hung over you, yet she insisted that this location held ‘the most important day of your life.’

This is frustrating. I know for a fact that this place does not hold a pleasant memory, let alone the most significant event of my childhood. What occurred here that carries such importance? And furthermore, how would she know?

The voice in your head that had argued that Rainbow Dash was hiding something from you appeared once more.

It’s obvious that she’s hiding something from you. Remember what she had told you.

Her words rang in your head, only heightening your thirst for the truth.

"I know what it's like to feel unwanted and alone, and to feel like you'd be... to feel like you'd be better off gone. But you're stronger than that. I know you are..."

You need to find out what it is.

Now determined to uncover whatever Rainbow Dash had kept in the dark from you, you readied yourself to speak.

“So nothing, huh?”

Unfortunately, you were too slow. Rainbow Dash had already questioned you, which you had to give a response to.

“N-no,” you instantly spat out. “Listen Rainbow Dash,” you uttered. However, you failed to grab her attention as she took to the sky once more. As your eyes followed her, you could see that Celestia’s sun was beginning to set. You hadn’t kept track of time, so it was no surprise to you that you had let the day slip by you so quickly. You heard Rainbow Dash shout to you, “Looks like it’s getting dark! We should probably head back now.”

Having no say in the matter, you took off and pursued her to her home. Again, to prevent yourself from hatching another argument within yourself, you kept your mind blank, taking note of every occasional cloud. After a few passing minutes, you finally reached her home. As usual, she was the first to land and enter, with you close behind her. As you entered, Rainbow Dash forged a conversation with you.

“Too bad we couldn’t get you to have another flashback,” she began as you approached her. Without warning, she wrapped her hoof around your neck and continued. “But, hey! We made a lotta progress today, right? I’m sure you’ll be able to remember something else tomorrow!”

Before you could take the opportunity to enjoy yourself, she uncoiled her leg from you, and proceeded to wander around in her home.

This is it. No escaping now. I will find out what she’s been hiding.

Once more, now being endowed with confidence, you approach Rainbow Dash for the final time.

“Rainbow Dash.”

Staying nonchalant, and unaware of what you were about to ask her, she replies, “Yeah, what’s up?”

Whatever confidence you had was now no longer present, and you began to feel rather weak in your knees. You cleared your throat and proceed.

“S-some time ago, you said something to me... It was when I h-had the memory of my parents’... death, again.”

You were unsure why you were becoming nervous. After all, you were not the one who was about to confess; it was Rainbow Dash, who now carried a blank expression on her face, similar to the one you always wear. You started up again.

“And you... you told me that... that you knew what it felt like to be unwanted and alone.”

Immediately, her blank expression became terror-stricken, as she seemed to know where your line of questioning was going.

“My question is... How do you know?”

The room suddenly became eerily silent; the only sounds you could hear was your internal heartbeat pumping faster with every second that passed, and Rainbow Dash’s startled breathing pattern. Seconds turned into hours. After what seemed to be an eternity of silence, Rainbow Dash finally speaks up.

“I dunno what you’re talking about!” she barked, catching you off-guard. It was then that you knew she was lying.

That proves it. She is definitely hiding something from me. I have to keep pressing her.

“I believe you do know what I’m speaking of. What are you hiding from me, Rainbow Dash? Is it something about my past?” you queried.

“No! It has nothing to do with you, so it’s none of your business, got that?!”

Letting your emotions and curiosity get the better of you, you retaliated.

“If I recall correctly, I had told a certain pegasus that my past was none of her concern as well. Yet she persisted in finding out. Do you remember, Rainbow Dash?” you goaded. However, having done so only agitated her. A grimace soon formed on her face. Suddenly, you heard her shift her position, and everything went dark. An agonizing pain arose below your left ear, and you felt your back come into contact with the floor. As you absorbed the impact, you coughed and felt something land on your chest. A bitter taste began to form in your mouth: one that was familiar. When you opened your eyes, you saw Rainbow Dash standing above you, with her right hoof extended outwards, with a scowl across her muzzle. You brought a hoof up to your cheek, and came to the realization that Rainbow Dash had just struck you. You let your hoof slide down, and felt something wet on your chest. When you averted your eyes towards your chest, you saw what it was.

Blood.

She... she struck me!

You tried to sit yourself up, but the punch had left you dazed. Rainbow Dash promptly realized the implication of her actions, because she dropped to your side, distressed.

“Oh my gosh!” she panicked, her voice cracking with every other word. She started with your name, “I’m so sorry! Hold on, I’ll get a towel!” She takes off, leaving your line of sight. All you could hear was her rummaging for a towel.

Convinced now? She’s attacked you.

She... she didn’t mean to! I did the same to her before!

You had a reason.

I had as much a reason as she did.

Rainbow Dash quickly trotted over to you with a towel in her mouth, which she proceeded to place on her hoof and onto your lip, wiping the blood off.

“I’m so so sorry,” she stammered, trying to explain herself. stating your name. “I... I just lost it! I didn’t mean to hit you, honest!” She swiftly moved the rag onto your chest and began to rub off whatever blood had landed there. “It’s just that... I started to...”

She was unable to finish her sentence, and she was beginning to choke up; her breathing was becoming raspy and short. Throughout all of this, you carried the same blank expression, only with a bit of a furrowed brow. Rainbow Dash’s apologies meant little to you, for she still had not answered your question. She must have read your mind, because she stopped rubbing your chest with the damp towel, and fell to your side. Now having a chance to freely move, you sat yourself up, right next to her.

“The... the reason I know what it’s like, to be left alone, and unwanted, and thinking you’d be better off...” She seemed unable to say the last word, but she managed to spit it out. “D-dead... is because... m-my parents are gone too.”

The mere utterance of that sentence nearly made your heart stop, and it sent shivers down your spine. Your beliefs were true: Rainbow Dash’s parents were dead as well. You wanted to speak, but you were at a complete loss for words. Before you could think of something to say, Rainbow Dash continued.

“I mean... They’re not dead or anything. But... they just aren’t around anymore.” It seemed as if Rainbow Dash was finally calming down. However, she had now puzzled you. As little as you knew about the social world, you understood that it was natural for ponies to leave their parents when they reached maturity. 

Now having something to question, you asked, “What do you mean?”

Rainbow Dash let out a rather dreadful sigh, and began to explain, “It was about three or four years ago... It was... you know, after you left. And it was the day that... I was kicked out of Flight School. See, I didn’t have the greatest ‘relationship’ with my mom and dad. We always got into fights and we always argued over everything. I didn’t really listen to them all the time, but I guess that’s just how things were between us. They kept telling me that I had to pay attention in school, but I was just a filly so I didn’t really care about what they thought. I don’t know if you remember, but I had a knack for getting into trouble.”

It didn’t ring a bell to you, but you weren’t surprised at that fact.

“And, on the day I got kicked out of school, they just lost it. They went off on me. It was the biggest fight we ever had. They told me that I only disappointed them and that my dream of joining the Wonderbolts was stupid. I was yelling at the top of my lungs, telling them that my dreams weren’t stupid, and I would show them. And that’s when it happened...”

She stopped, after having revealed so much.Without thinking, you asked, “What happened?”

Rainbow Dash’s breathing became intermittent and pained. She clenched her teeth and shut her eyes as she turned away from you; an obvious attempt to hide her tears.

“My dad hit me! He hit me right in my face and knocked me on the floor! And when I got up, I saw that he was about to hit me again, so I ran. I ran out of my house and flew away!” she sputtered, stumbling on every other word, fighting back any tears. “I heard my mom telling me how much of a horrible daughter I was to her, so I kept flying. I didn’t even look back once, but I don’t think they followed me. I ran away for two days, and I was all alone. But, by the second day, I was hungry and tired, and I just wanted to go home. I didn’t want to be mad at my parents anymore, I just wanted things to be normal again, ya know? So I went back home. And you know what I saw when I got back?”

You didn’t say anything; you just waited for her to continue.

“They were gone! They just left! They took their stuff and left me all by myself! At first, I thought that maybe they were just out looking for me, but, by the third day that I was all alone, I realized they weren’t coming back. They left me to die all by myself! They never cared about me!”

By now, Rainbow Dash had let a few tears escape, and rested her head upon your shoulder. You didn’t respond; having finally heard the truth, you weren’t sure how to respond. This was the first time that you’ve heard of someone who had a past similar to yours. After a few seconds, it seemed that she finally regained her ability to speak.

“Ever since, I’ve been living by myself...  And, I’ve never told anypony about what happened...”

She pulled herself off from your shoulder and turned to face you.

This is strange. I was hoping that I would receive some relief from hearing this, but I only feel more remorse than I had before.

You noticed that Rainbow Dash had been staring at you for some time, and you saw her rising to her hooves rather quickly. After what happened a few minutes ago, you were inclined to be more defensive.  Before you could stand up, she pushed you back down on your back. Fearful for what she was about to do, you tried to push her off, but it was to no avail. A warm sensation formed on your lips, and you realized that Rainbow Dash was pressing her lips against yours, eyes closed. The sudden feeling triggered a response in you; specifically, it caused your wings to flare up. She kept her own eyes closed, and you weren’t sure where to focus your eyes. Imitating her, you closed them and waited for her to react. She kept contact after a few more seconds, and finally broke away. You opened up your eyes to see her faintly smiling at you. Your face suddenly heated up, beginning to become embarrassed as she closed the distance between your two bodies.

“I know you like me,” she sneered, following up with your name, which only furthering your mortification. “The morning you woke up that we were sleeping on the couch, I was awake too. I know you tried to leave, but you couldn’t do it, could you?” she continuously mocked you. You opened your mouth in an attempt to explain yourself only to let pure gibberish escape your lips. But Rainbow Dash seemed to still retain her ability to speak. With a grin on her face, she said, “Well, that and your wings say the same thing.” she jeered. Again, you tried to say something, but you only humiliated yourself further by not being able to speak. She just giggled and pressed her lips against yours once more.

You didn’t feel the need to tell her that her wings were doing a perfect imitation of your own.