//------------------------------// // You Bet Your Spice // Story: My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd // by Lord Seth //------------------------------// “I’ve come up with a great idea for a magic trick!” said Trixie. “What?” asked Lightning Dust. “How about blasting myself into the open mouth of a hungry manticore? And then, after the manticore chews me up and swallows me, I magically step out of a box on the other side of the stage? It was done by the great Hoofdini.” “That sounds like a pointless threat to your life,” said Lightning Dust. “What’s even the purpose? Attention? You’re already reasonably famous.” “Hrm,” said Trixie. “Maybe you have a point.” She brightened up. “What if it were a timberwolf instead?” “Trixie, does this abrupt rekindling of interest in your magic show have anything to do with that weird existential crisis you said were suffering from last week?” “Oh, no, I’m over that,” said Trixie. “I’m just annoyed that I never got a mission from the Tree of Whatever. So I’m trying to make things more exciting.” “Hrm,” said Lightning Dust. There was a pause. “You don’t have any suggestions?” asked Trixie. “Sunset’s the smart one! Go ask her.” “So!” said Trixie. “What do you think of this trick: Blasting myself into the open mouth of a hungry manticore, and then after the manticore chews me up and swallows me, I magically step out of a box on the other side of the stage?” “That sounds like it has a very high chance of being fatal,” said Sunset. “So…” Sunset trailed off. “Yes?” asked Trixie. “I’m trying to decide whether I should recommend you do it or not.” “Oh, wow!” said Trixie. “You’re actually uncertain about whether I should do something potentially fatal. You’ve come a long way to being more friendly, Sunset.” “Can you go bug someone else?” asked Sunset wearily. “I really don’t want to have my trust in reality temporarily shattered again.” “Oh, come now,” said Trixie. “I thought we agreed that the most plausible explanation for what happened was that some crazy changeling broke into my house, read my story, then waited around just outside our castle and waited for you to finish the story before crashing in transformed into a character from it.” “Just go talk to somepony else before you make me decide to recommend you do the trick,” said Sunset. “Sunset thought the trick sounded really dangerous,” said Trixie. “I meant you should ask her for suggestions on the whole Tree of Whatever stuff,” said Lightning Dust. “Okay!” declared Trixie before running off. “When did I become the sensible one?” wondered Lightning Dust. “I have another question!” declared Trixie to Sunset. “I want to get my own map mission. Do you know how to do it?” “Did you read the instruction manual?” asked Sunset. “Who reads those things nowadays?” Sunset sighed. “Well, take a look at it yourself.” She left and brought a large book in. “Here. Enjoy.” Some time later… Trixie put the instruction booklet on the table. “Can you help me with this?” “Er, help you with what?” asked Flim. “You just came in and asked for help without any explanation.” “Finding information in this instruction booklet for that map on how to get my own mission already.” “You didn’t ask Sunset?” asked Flam. “I tried, but then she said ‘figure it out yourself already’ and threw me out. Since you guys do things with contracts and stuff, I thought maybe you could find information about it, particularly as you haven’t gotten one of those missions either.” Suddenly, the cutie marks of all three of them lit up. “Well,” said Trixie, “that made all of this feel pointless. To the map!” One trip to the map later… “So,” said Flim as they looked at the map, “we’re off to… Canterlot? “Wait,” said Trixie, “Canterlot rather big. How are we supposed to know where to go?” “Wasn’t there some kind of zooming feature?” asked Flim. “You said ‘in zoom’ or something like that?” The three all looked at the map. Nothing happened. “Odd,” said Flim. “That’s what Lightning Dust said worked for her.” “Maybe it’s something about her voice,” said Flam. “Could you get her here?” One getting of Lightning Dust later… “Okay, here it goes,” said Lightning Dust. “In zoom.” Nothing happened. “That’s odd,” said Lightning Dust. “Worked perfectly fine before. Maybe kicking it will help. Worked for Sunset!” Lightning Dust kicked the map. It suddenly turned off. “Oops,” she said. “Well, maybe this will make it come back.” She kicked it again, to no effect. Frustrated, she started kicking it more. “You know, they say that trying the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, so–” started Flim before the screen suddenly came back on. “Never mind.” “That’s not the definition of insanity anyway,” said Trixie. “The definition is ‘the state of being seriously mentally ill; madness’ or ‘extreme foolishness or irrationality.’” “Wait, do you have the dictionary memorized?” asked Lightning Dust. “Of course not,” said Trixie. “That would be silly. I just cast a special dictionary spell that can give me the definition to any word upon command. Want to know what ‘gonfalon’ means?” “I just want the map to have the zoom in function work so that–” started Flim before being interrupted by the map suddenly zooming in. “Hooray!” said Lightning Dust. “Kicking it fixed that problem! I should go and kick other things that aren’t working right to see if they start working!” She flew off. “How do you put up with her as much as you do?” asked Flam. “Oh, Lightning Dust is quite easy to get along with if you ignore all of the things that make her difficult to get along with,” said Trixie. “Anyway! According to this, we go to a… restaurant?” “I’m not sure how that would be a way to make money,” said Flim, “but the map hasn’t been wrong so far.” “To Canterlot!” declared Trixie. There was a pause. “I, um, assume we’re using the train?” “Well,” said Flim, “that whole car thing we were working on didn’t really pan out. I don’t think the technology is quite there yet. So, I suppose we’re still using trains in the meantime.” “To the train station!” declared Trixie. “Shouldn’t we pack first?” “To our respective houses!” Some packing and a train ride later… “To the restaurant!” declared Trixie. “Can you stop doing that?” asked Flim wearily. “You’ve been saying ‘to the ____!’ every time we’ve been about to head somewhere today. Even when it was just changing the train car we were in!” “I never said ‘to the underscore underscore underscore underscore!’ as far as I know,” said Trixie. There was a pause. “I’ll admit that phrasing was a little weird,” said Flim. “But it’s just showing how irritating it is! You’re making me say weird things like that! Let’s just find that restaurant and figure out what we need to do. Its name was The Tasty Treat, right?” And so the three went and found the aforementioned restaurant. “To the inside of the…” started Trixie, provoking a glare from Flim and Flam, which in turn prompted a sheepish grin from Trixie. “Are you here for lunch?” asked a orange-ish unicorn mare with a striped purple mane in the restaurant. “Actually, we’re here because a magical tree told us that we should come here!” declared Trixie. The unicorn stared blankly at Trixie. “Yes, we’ll have lunch,” said Flim hurriedly. “Erm, yes,” said the unicorn. “I’m Saffron Masala, the chef here at The Tasty Treat, the most exotic cuisine in Canterlot. Would you like to hear about the specials?” “Sure!” said Flam. “We have a curried oat cake,” said Saffron. “We’ll take two,” said Flim. “Also, a grass sandwich that has been marinated overnight in a mustard Dijon dressing,” continued Saffron. “Why not?” said Flam. Saffron turned to Trixie. “And for you?” “I’m not sure,” said Trixie. “You were talking about specials, but I feel like I might be in the mood for normals instead. Can I get back to you?” “Um… sure,” said Saffron, who then left for the kitchen. “Odd we’d get sent to a restaurant that seems unpopular,” said Flim. “How do we make money here?” “Hrm,” said Trixie. “Well, Lightning Dust and Sunset ended up fixing up a park and getting money due to it being restored, so maybe our job is to get customers here, and that will somehow get us the cash.” Their money making schemes were interrupted by an older, tan-ish unicorn stallion with a brown striped mane walked through the restaurant, stacking chairs. “Who are you?” asked Flim. “Coriander Cumin,” he said grouchily. “Well, no wonder you went into the restaurant business, with a name like that!” said Trixie brightly. “I assume you’re a chef?” “No,” said Coriander, “my daughter cooks. I host.” “Hrm,” said Trixie. “Wouldn’t a name like Hosting Stackpony make more sense then?” “I’ll admit I’m not that familiar with the restaurant business,” said Flam, “but isn’t stacking chairs a bit of an odd thing to do for the host?” “Well, without customers, I have nopony to host for. So I stack!” Saffron came out of the kitchen and gave the group the food they ordered. “Father, stop it! Don’t close up the restaurant around our guests!” “What does it matter?” demanded Coriander. “When they leave, nopony else will be coming in!” “As you would be stacking them at the end of the day anyway,” said Flim, “wouldn’t it make more sense to wait until then? You have to do the same amount of work either way, but doing it later would be positive if you did have customers, whereas doing it now conveys no benefit even if no further customers enter.” “Well,” said Coriander, “maybe the problem is that you, by your own admission, don’t understand the restaurant business!” “That kind of attitude isn’t going to bring in customers or keep the ones we have around!” said Saffron to her father. “Can’t you at least pretend to be positive?” As the two continued arguing, Flam shrugged and took a bite out of the sandwich. His eyes widened. “Oh, wow. That’s a really good sandwich.” “I’ve made up my mind!” said Trixie. “I’m in the mood for specials!” She grabbed another piece of the food and bit into it. Her eyes also widened. “Hokey smokes! That is good! If we were characters in that comic series about cooking that I sometimes read, the tastiness of the food would probably be emphasized by our clothes bursting off in a fanservice shot!” Flim and Flam stared blankly at Trixie. “Why does everypony keep staring at me?” asked Trixie. “Is it my hair?” Flim and Flam sighed, then turned to Coriander and Saffron, who had still been arguing. “If the food is this good, why don’t you get more customers?” asked Flim. “Because without a rating from Zesty Gourmand,” said Coriander, “nopony is interested in trying out the restaurant, and when we did try to get Zesty Gourmand, she looked at how empty it was and said it wasn’t worth rating!” “Wait,” said Trixie, “so nopony will try out a restaurant without Zesty Gourmand’s stamp of approval, but Zesty Gourmand won’t give any stamp of approval to a restaurant that nopony is going to? How does any new restaurant manage to survive under such conditions? Is it like those fields where every single job apparently requires job experience in the field, making you wondering how anypony breaks into the field to begin with?” “I’ve got an idea!” said Flim. “How about the three of us work to bring in customers for you?” “You think you can do it?” asked Saffron. “Of course!” declared Flam. “If the makers of ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cider!’ and Mare Do Well can’t bring some attention to this place… um… well, that’s not going to happen, so there’s no need to finish that thought!” Coriander looked doubtful. “Well, you can give it a try.” “Great!” said Trixie. She quickly slid up to Flim and Flam. “Should we ask for equity in the restaurant in exchange for our help now or wait until after we pull it off?” she whispered to the two. “If you can pull this off before the next rent is due,” said Coriander, “I’ll repay you with 25% equity in the restaurant.” “Erm, never mind,” said Trixie to Flim and Flam. She turned back to Coriander and Saffron. “Sounds great! When is that?” “In two weeks,” said Coriander. Trixie deflated. “Oh,” she said. “Um… kind of was hoping we’d have a few months, because then I could get an ad in one of the Mare Do Well comics.” “Please, father, I’m sure we can wait a bit longer,” said Saffron. “Rent is expensive!” said Coriander. “If we’re not getting customers, I’m not going to keep paying it!” “Okay,” said Trixie. “I’m sure if the three of us think about it, we can come up with a great plan!” “Get that Zesty Gourmand to come here and give the food a try?” suggested Flim. “I don’t think any of us know her,” said Trixie. “Besides, I get the feeling that the restaurant would end up worse due to whacky misunderstandings, and we’d just have wasted our time.” “Do what Lightning Dust did in the last mission and give away advance tickets to that Mare Do Well movie to anypony that shows up?” “Can’t,” said Trixie. “She already used up all the advance tickets we could give away like that.” She paused, then turned to Coriander and Saffron. “Did you two try advertising?” “Er… no,” said Saffron. “How the heck did you expect to do well in business if you didn’t advertise?!” “We put up a nice sign,” said Saffron defensively. “The bigger problem is that we’re too busy with the restaurant to do that.” “Didn’t Coriander have so little to do that he was just stacking chairs to pass the time?” asked Trixie. “He’s not really that much of a people person,” said Saffron. “Then why does he work as the host?” asked Flim. There was a pause. “That’s actually a good question,” said Saffron. “Maybe we should work together in the kitchen?” “All right!” said Trixie after they left the restaurant. “Let’s get to work! Got any ideas in particular on how to attract customers?” Before Flim or Flam could answer, she suddenly said, “Oh, wait. I have an idea. I have the perfect idea.” “Why do I have a bad feeling about this?” wondered Flam. “Probably the odd emphasis on the word ‘perfect,’” said Flim. “Oh, wait,” said Trixie. “That idea is terrible. Forget it. I have a much better one now! Remember that magic trick I was considering doing earlier?” “No?” said Flim. “Oh, right,” said Trixie. “It was Lightning Dust and Sunset I told about it. In the magic trick in question, the magician blasts themselves into the open mouth of a hungry manticore. And then, after the manticore chews up and swallows them, they magically step out of a box on the other side of the stage.” “You’re planning to do that?” “Oh, no,” said Trixie. “That was the terrible idea I came up with before. Now I have a much better one!” “Okay,” said Flim. “What is it?” “Hrm,” said Trixie. “On second thought, the newer idea is even worse than the first. Let’s go with that one!” “You’re planning to risk your life just to get equity in a restaurant?” “Of course not!” said Trixie. “We’re going to risk our lives just to get equity in a restaurant. You two are going to help me out with it!” Flim and Flam stared at Trixie for a while before answering, “Come again?” “I realized that there’s a reason that trick isn’t done much anymore: It’s boring!” said Trixie. “It’s easy to figure out how it’s done, as it’s teleportation, so any unicorn who can teleport can pull it off. But three unicorns in succession? That would be impressive, and we can use the attention to get everypony to try out the restaurant.” “I don’t think I like this plan,” said Flim. “Oh, fine,” grumbled Trixie. “We’ll just do it the old-fashioned way and just urge others to try it out. With the help of some coupons, naturally.” And so the three went off to advertise for the restaurant. Although they initially had some difficulty due to many confusing The Tasty Treat with a completely unrelated music store named The Basted Beat, the three were still able to get some attention and convince several to try out the restaurant. “Now we just have to wait a while for good word of mouth to spread,” said Flam. “That shouldn’t take too long, right?” 2.5 seconds later… “Has it happened yet?” asked Trixie eagerly. “It doesn’t happen that quickly,” said Flim. 2.75 seconds later… “Now?” asked Trixie. “No, not yet!” snapped Flam. 2.875 seconds later… “How about–” started Trixie before being cut off. “Extra! Extra!” shouted a newspony. “Read all about it! New restaurant named The Tasty Treat becomes a massive success thanks to good word of mouth! Also, newspaper gets super-efficient printing press!” “Well,” said Trixie, “that was easy. Especially if we compare it to Gilda and Suri’s trip. It’s a bit disappointing that all we had to do was go out and give away some coupons whereas they had to scale down cliffs to find a long-lost idol.” “Are you actually complaining that ours was easier and didn’t involve possible loss of our own lives?” asked Flim. “No,” said Trixie, “but I wish it had been a little more exciting. For example, what if it were to involve all kinds of complicated business negotiations?” She paused. “Actually, that sounds even less exciting than what we did do, so never mind.” The Tasty Treat went on to be such a big success that franchised restaurants opened all over Equestria, and even in some other countries, thereby causing Flim, Flam, and Trixie’s equity to more than treseptuaguple in value. And so things all worked out for pretty much everyone involved, except for Zesty Gourmand, who lost a lot of clout after review aggregator sources became a more common way to assess something’s quality than the opinion of one critic. It all goes to show how much more quickly things can get accomplished when whacky misunderstandings don’t occur to make an adventure last longer.