Chapter 3:
“Yeah, I was uh… calling in question if there was a certain medicine for…” I held my temple already dreading this conversation,
“Ponies - that would help ease them to sleep.” I had to strain to hear what this lady said.
…
“Yes, I know it's ten in the morning, ma'am, but if you could please stay with the main plot of where I'm going with this?”
...
“No, not that kind of sleep. Preferably a sedative. Kudo points for asking though.”
…
“Do I own a pony?”
Looking behind me, I groaned internally and held my face. Pinkie was using my couch as a couch fort, and she was using the cannon to blast away several set up soldier pillows.
Would I technically own her or would she own me ?
“I unfortunately do.”
Not gonna answer that truthfully...
…
“Don't give me that, not right now please.”
…
“Yes, I'll hold.”
I put my hand on the microphone portion of the phone, “PINKIE, PUT THE FUCKING REMOTE BACK.”
She was fiddling with buttons.
“Debbie? What's the channel that plays the goofy looking sponge?”
I groaned, “Its… gah- Twenty four!”
Pinkie giggled, somehow typing in that channel with hooves,
“Thanksssss!”
And then Spongebob started playing. Oh how I loathe her…
The lady on the line spoke up again, so I picked up the phone,
“Hello? Yes, yes, still here.”
…
“Okay so, that's the sedation? How much would it cost?”
…
“She's about-” I leveled myself, “-a good five feet. Probably weighs two hundred.”
In pure cocaine.
…
“Alright, I’ll bring her in- Wait. How many zeros?”
…
A pointless conversation if the knockout juice costed more than my life.
So I hung up and sighed, holding both sides of the table my house phone was at. Looking back at Pinkie, I had a choice.
Leaving town.
Or death.
I prefer death at this point.
“Hey Debbie! You almost ready?” She said from somewhere in her fort.
She and I planned - excuse me - I planned on going to Starbucks to pick up some coffee for this temper of mine. But since I couldn't shake the pinkster, as If she's a wraith, I would have to bring her along.
Mainly though, I'm just trying to buy time. See if she won't disappear due to the lack of fun we were (not) having.
“I just need my keys, Pinkie.”
Think they were on my desk upstairs again. I had come back from the store not to long ago with an irritable Element of Laughter, but she brightened up when she found out I was going somewhere.
I turned to go upstairs, but ever so casually Pinkie was just,
“There!”
It surprises me still, how you think you know where she is, but she's not actually there, and in fact she's crossing several dimensions to get to where she is needed.
The fourteenth doctor confirmed?
“Uh… thanks?” I managed to get out.
While on the inside, I was dying of brain hemorrhage.
Since I had my keys, Pinkie smiled, “Alrighty-O Bucko! Now we get to begin your lessons!”
“Oh?” I say, raising a brow, “And what would these lessons be?”
Pinkie jumped in the air and tapped me on the nose,
“The first one is, Forrrrgiveness!”
I think the legal term is “boop”. Dunno though, not really lingual in the verbal usage nowadays. The last time I used any kind of slang, it was back in the 80’s and the word was “shag”. Honestly, all that got me was heartbreak and a forklift shoved up my ass.
Warehousing accident. Go figure.
“Pinkie. I forgive you.” I smiled, “There. Lesson done, you can go now.”
I walked past her and parted the saran wrap that was my makeshift door. Since the current one was being sold on eBay for the mallet and Pinkie damage…
No hits yet.
Need to learn though, It's really hard to shake someone, who has been shook way longer than I could realize.
“It's not that easy Debbie!”
Should've known.
She grabbed my shoulder and hauled me to the side licking her lips as she began berating me with her monologue.
“See, I have been sent, by Twilight -”
Correction, I will manhandle Twilight if I see her.
“- and the reason I'm even here, is because she needs to spread the rules of friendship!”
I raised a brow, “Sure she didn't send you here because you give her headaches?”
Pinkie completely ignored me, “To do that, you need to follow the four steps to Pinkie’s Four step Program…”
I raised both brows inciting a rather curious rumble, “Wow. A double foreshadow.”
She counted them by pulling my fingers out, “The first step, is forgiveness, the second is the attitude process, the third one involves a motorcycle-”
“A motorcycle?” I said suddenly, standing to revel in the incredulous act, “Why a motorcycle?!”
Pinkie giggled, “A magician's secret Debbie!”
I rolled my eyes.
“And finally, the last one, is to see how far you've gotten, or progress.” She smiled, “After that, You won't be a Debbie Downer any more!”
I will have transcended a Debbie Downer.
I counted in my head, “So, four steps. Will you say… leave? After I complete this process?”
Pinkie laughed, “It won't take long, and yes, I guarantee you that I will be out of your life - it even says so on the business card!”
She whipped out a business card and made me look at it. I numbly took the shiny plastic card and scrunched my nose.
It showed Pinkie and Rainbow Dash holding up a sign that held the acronym for Pinkies Four step Program.
F.A.P.P
Hold on. If there was ever a time I…
My mouth curved into a sardonic grin,
“Fapp...?”
Pinkie nodded, “Yessir! Forgiveness, Attitude, Preparedness, and Progress! I call it the Fapp program!”
My heart.
Nevermind the fact that it was something i did on a daily basis, I had to actually bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing aloud. It sounded so wrong, and to be honest, I don't know if Pinkie knew what Fapp meant.
And there, below it was the guarantee she would be out of my life within the next day.
So, I would have to complete the Fapping process for any of that to come to pass...
“Alright Pinkie.” I pointed at her, “I will do it. But you have to pinky promise you'll be gone by tomorrow.”
It was the only thing she could do to keep me from booting her outta my house. Then again she'd just rip my asshole a new one in ways of destroying my sanity.
She giggled, “Such a worry wart.”
Sighing happily she did the maneuvers of the Pinkie code,
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my-” The sound of something large squishing, assaulted my ears,
“AYYYYE-”
We both went silent as something dripped onto her hooves.
So… she may have, or may not have punched herself in the eyeball. It probably sounds redundant considering that it's a part of the code, but Pinkie shouldn't have done that.
She crossed her heart, wiggled her hooves, she had no cupcake, thus her hoof went straight into her eye. And I do mean in.
Pinkie clutched her socket suddenly as a red liquid poured out. Spilling onto her hooves, onto the floor and permanently making me resent laughing at the sheer oddity of it all.
In retort, I freaked and squatted down as she looked at me in worry, droplets hitting the floor with a tear jerking splat,
My voice cracked, hands covering my mouth quickly, “OOOOOOH MY GOD- I THOUGHT PHYSICS DIDN'T APPLY TO YOU.”
Pinkie freaked too, her one good eye shifting to me in a panic, “THEY DOOONNNN’TTT -”
I held my head, “FUCK, LET ME GET SOME-HURRGH-” I had to stop myself from saying anything else. Otherwise I would start hurling my innards onto the wooden floorboards.
“IMMA GET THE NEOSPORIN.” I said with a finger raised.
Pinkie held her hoof out, the sarcasm making me wince, t“WHAT IN CELESTIA'S NAME WILL NEOSPORIN DO?!”
“IT CURES EVERYTH-HUEEEG-” I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat. It tasted like ash and berries for some reason.
“DON'T JUST STAND THERE!”
“I'M TRY-HURRG.”
Right. She only poked her fucking eye out, and there I was about to explain how the medicinal properties of Neosporin could help her.
I turned and ran into the kitchen to fetch the first aid kit. Most of the time, I keep it on the top of the fridge. Found it after I about tore the entire top of the fridge apart.
My hands shook as I pulled out the thin bottle. I prepared the gauze and was about to grab the bandages however when I moved to grab for the adhesive strips -
Something… giggle worthy happened...
Now, giggling means you are happy. Jittery with feelings of content. Or if you did something funny.
I giggle when people fall down. Natural to do so in the laws of man. Of course, karma’s a bitch and I tend to receive something even worse later on.
But since this was Pinkie, I actually thought she was going crazy. Shock maybe. It turned from a giggle, into a full on cackle.
Which was a very bad combination.
In my mind two choices popped up on either side of me with corresponding buttons. Take a knife with you, or just man up and see what she's laughing about.
Interesting Choices.
I lean out into the hallway and find Pinkie rolling on the floor with tears in her eyes.
Not painful tears.
Happy tears. And no blood.
Amidst the mood swings and my incoherent babble about how this was, I noticed that she was holding a ketchup packet, and that her so called, pierced eye, was actually working.
So, being the nice person I was, I breathed in relief, and went back into the kitchen to get the knife anyway.
That, was the first test of Pinkie’s Fapp program.
I was not prepared…
O.o.O.o.O