Tempest Shadow’s face was lit by the flickering flames of her blunt. It was an Emily Blunt. Real dank strain. “Okay, listen up Cutie Mark Crusaders, it’s time for a dank-ass story, and maybe I’m a little drunk and shouldn’t tell stories to kids when I’m drunk, but fuck it, amirite? So this is the very true not at all made up story of how I lost my horn.”
“Oh goody,” said Sweetie Belle. More like Sweetie Blazed after she smoked that dank kush.
“Okay, so this starts with the dankest, illest invention known to pony kind of the past twenty years. Not since the concept of hotboxing has such a good idea appeared. Of course, I was its originator. Fillies, prepare your minds to be blown by the concept of... Alcoholic bread.”
Scootaloo gasped. “Wow, so my abusive father can get drunk even easier? That sounds great! I love watching mommy cry.”
Tempest was pissed. “Seriously, shut the fuck, you little shit. Abusive parenting builds character. You don’t want to know what my daddy did to me when he got drunk, but it involved yiffing and vascaline.”
“Oka,y okay,” said Scootaloo, “just tell your fucking story already.”
Tempest cleared her throat and took another swig of applejack Daniels. “Okay, So, this one time, my friend from Coltorado told me that in Coltorado they sold alcoholic bread. We thought that was pretty cool.”
Applebloom spoke up. “Miss Fizzle, weren’t y’all like, twelve?”
Tempest frowned. “What, y’all didn’t experiment with drinking at a young age to escape the harsh realities of living in a broken family?”
Apple Bloom fidgeted. “Uh, no? I just listened to Pet Sounds and cut myself.”
“Alright, well, me and my friends, we really thought alcoholic bread was a great idea. But it turns out that our friend—Let’s call him HumyWriter—was just shitting us. Bread does have alcohol in the creation process—from the yeast— but it almost all evaporates during the baking process. Which sucks, because alcoholic bread sounds awesome.”
“Well actually,” Scootaloo chimed in, passing the puff to Sweetie, “Derpy has alcoholic muffins.”
“Who’s Derpy?” Tempest inquired.
“Oh she’s this local mailmare with really fucked up eyes who’s always crashing into shit. She can’t see straight because she’s perpetually drunk on alcoholic muffins. It’s sad, really. I think CPS is going to take away Dinkie soon.”
Tempest was left wide eyed. “Wow. Apparently everypony in Equestria really sucks at parenting. Anyway, we thought alcoholic bread was a cool idea, so we set out to create it.”
“And did you?”
“Well, we did some research, and we discovered the yeast we would need, would be from an Ursula Major’s yeast infection. I, being the bravest, stepped into a cave and collect some.
“But tragedy struck! An Ursula major was not there to greet me. No, not even an Ursula minor! What terror stood before me, you ask?
“It was inspector Javert who stood there!”