“It's your turn to ask a question Applejack.” Twilight said, turning to her friend.
“Much obliged Twi.” The earth pony answered, walking over to the 'What If' machine. She pushed her hat back, and stood a moment in thought. “Ah reckon Ah've got a question. Y'see, aside from the orchard, we use the standard three-field crop rotation method. What we usually do is have one field fer grains, the next fer herbaceous legumes, an' the last is left fallow ta produce hay. Then we switch fields each year. Ah've been considerin' replacin' the forage legumes with the seed bearin' types. So my question is: What if Ah planted beans.”
Rarity scoffed, “Leave it to you Applejack to ask such a mundane question, with a world of possibilities at your hooves.”
Applejack scowled and retorted, “Well, seems ta me that somepony else here asked a question concernin' her business an' livelihood.”
Rarity's eyelids lowered in a measured glare, her lips pursed slightly, “Touché Applejack,” she said slowly, “Touché.”
Their banter was interrupted as the machine came to life, and images danced upon the screen.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Applejack and the Beanstalk
Four earth ponies sat around a kitchen table, worry clear on their faces. The growing season had been bad. Not only was the apple harvest below average, everything from oats to hay had been below quota. This spelled bad news for the Apple family. A mere few years ago it would have spelled bad news for all of Ponyville since the Apples produced about 70% of the local food supply, but the relatively new railway meant crops could be shipped in from all over Equestria, keeping Ponyville's bellies full and the Apple's wallets light.
“Well, there ain't no denyin' it, we're in a pickle of a gherkin,” Granny Smith said, looking at her grandchildren. “Ah don't think there's any way 'round it, we're gonna hav'ta give up Mooriella.”
“Not Mooriella!” Apple Bloom wailed, tear filling her eyes.
“No, Granny Smith is right,” Applejack said, sad but steadfast. “This year's just been too bad an' we can't afford to keep 'er.”
With a loud sob Apple Bloom got up from the table and ran from the room. Applejack looked to her grandmother and brother, in silent agreement they nodded and the orange mare said, “Ah'll take Mooriella inta town this afternoon.”
--(O)--
Applejack entered the barn and approached the stall holding the cow. Opening the gate and tying a loose rope around her neck Applejack said, “Come on Mooriella, we're goin' inta town.”
“Ooh, that's swell Applejack, I've been meanin' ta pick up some groceries don'tyaknow.” The cow responded in a jovial mood.
With rope in mouth AJ led the chattering bovine into the middle of town square. Dropping her lead, Applejack turned to the talking cow. For a long moment she stared at her, then taking a deep labored breath she said her piece, “SHUT UP YOU SWOLLEN-TEAT NINNY! YA'LL HAVEN'T PAID YER RENT IN MONTHS! GIT OUTTA HERE YA NO GOOD, FREE LOADIN', WASTE O' LARD!”
Shocked at this outburst Mooriella nearly choked on her cud. Applejack turned around, and satisfied that she had gotten her point across, decided to visit her friends.
Since she was closest to Sugar Cube Corner AJ decided to stop in to see Pinkie. The hyper mare was tending the counter, and gave one of her impossibly huge grins when she saw her friend enter. Bouncing across her work station she said, “Hey Jacqueline, how's'it goin'?”
That nickname was new, hopefully it wouldn't stick. Shrugging off her friends antics AJ gave a sad smile, “Not so good Pinks, Ah just had ta kick out Mooriella.”
“She still wasn't coming up with the rent?” Pinkie asked with a frown.
“Eeyup. Didn't wanna have ta do it, but just can't afford giving out room an' board fer free, not with the way things have been.”
“I understand Jackie, things have been tough for you this year.” Pinkie said with uncharacteristic seriousness. However, her mood soon snapped back to it's usual sugary demeanor when she remembered something, “Hold on! I have just the thing you need!”
The party pony jumped back behind the counter and popped back up with a box in her mouth. At first AJ thought it held a cake, or some other treat (Pinkie's standard solution to all of life's problems), until she noticed the word 'Experimental' scrolled on the side.
“What's that Pinks?”
“Beans!”
“Beans?” Applejack cocked an eyebrow.
“Magic Beans...” she said in a voice that she probably meant to sound mysterious.
“Magic beans.” The farmer asked skeptically, “Where the hay did ya'll get magic beans? And what exactly makes 'em magic?”
“Twilight!”
“Twilight?”
“Yep! Or at least that's the answer to the first question since I got 'em from her, but I guess it answers the second question too since Twilight's all magic-y, so if anyone's gonna have magic beans it's gonna be the most magical pony in Ponyville!” Pinkie gave another huge grin to her friend.
“But, why would Twi give magic beans ta you? No offense sugar cube, but you don't strike me as the type o' pony who'd put enchanted legumes ta good use.”
“Hmm, I don't know why...” Pinkie wondered as she thought back to earlier that day.
--(O)--
Today was the library's weekly cleaning day. While Spike was upstairs dusting shelves and sorting book, Twilight was below cleaning up her laboratory. She had finally gotten all the blood off the ceiling and was preparing to place the rest of her botched experiments in the HazMat container when a familiar poofy pink party pony alliterated in front of her. Twilight was used to her friends antics by now, so she only jumped a few feet in the air with an 'eep' instead of running from the library screaming bloody murder.
“Pinkie, hey.” Twilight said, barely needing to catch her breath or slow her thundering heart. “Uh, what brings you here today? Not that you aren't always welcome, but it is my scheduled cleaning day.”
“Hi Twilight!” Pinkie bounced for joy at seeing her friend. “I have the morning off so I decided to come help you out!”
“Aww, that's sweet of you Pinkie, but you don't have to spend your time off helping me clean.”
“Of course I don't have to, I want to. It's the least I can do after you helped me with that whole 'cupcakes' incident. If it weren't for you I would have gotten in sooo sooo much trouble! There were red stains everywhere, and that stuff just does NOT come out. If anyone found out they'd never forgive me!” Pinkie had her there; if it wasn't for her cleaning spell that cherry frosting would have left a permanent stain. Twilight still didn't understand why Pinkie decided to make baked goods while wearing Mrs. Cakes wedding dress, but there were a lot of things about Pinkie she didn't understand.
“Well, if you really want to, I'd gladly accept your help.” Twilight said with a sincere smile, “Why don't you start upstairs with Spike?”
Pinkie's cheerful grin turned into an apologetic one, as she guiltily scuffed the ground with her hoof. “Ummm, Spike says I'm not allowed to help him anymore, he told me to come down here.”
Twilight grimaced, wondering what kind of damage had been done upstairs. With a slight sigh she said, “Alright, but you need to be very careful, a lot of this stuff is dangerous and unstable. Carry the HazMat bins over to the stairs after I seal them. Do NOT touch a bin unless it's been sealed.”
Pinkie nodded enthusiastically and followed her instructions diligently. Twilight sealed up all the boxes and then the two carried them outside where they would be picked up by the Canterlot Special Waist Disposal Unit. There were no mishaps until Pinkie noticed an open bin with a cardboard box inside.
“Hey Twilight, what are these?” Pinkie asked motioning towards the box.
“Oops, I missed that one. Oh, those are just experimental thaumically infused legume seeds. Unfortunately they're too unstable to have any practical use.”
Pinkie's eyes widened in excitement, “You men they're Magic Beans?”
Twilight cringed at the lay term, but decided to just nod in affirmation. The unicorn was about to close the bin when a baby dragon ran out of the library, a scroll in hand. Unfortunately he didn't stop running until he collided into the open waste bin, spilling hazardous material all over the street, and likely ruining the property value of the entire neighborhood.
“Spike! What have you done?!” Twilight screamed.
“Letter. Princess. Important.” Spike gasped out while catching his breath.
“Oh no, oh no.” Twilight was going into panic mode, which to be fair, isn't that different than her normal mode. “Pinkie! I need you to take care of all this stuff.”
Igniting her horn she placed the box of beans on the pink mares back and scooped most of the other waste back into its container. “Just, uh, wash your hooves real well afterwords and you'll be fine. Probably.”
That said the purple scholar ran into the library, dragging her assistant behind her.
“Okie Dokie Loki!” Pinkie said as the door slammed.
Pinkie did as she was asked, and then trotted back to her home and workplace. She didn't even notice she still had the box of magic beans on her back until she saw it in the bathroom mirror. Why had Twilight given it to her again? She remembered talking about it, then Spike ran out and made a mess, then she saw a squirrel in a tree, and tree rhymes with bee, and bees make honey, Ooh she liked honey! Especially drizzled over biscuits, drizzle is a funny word! Uh-oh Twilight is talking to her again, something about washing hooves, oh well she'd better get this stuff off the street. Oh right, the beans, Twilight must have given then to her as a thank-you present! That made sense! Twilight's always so nice, like that one time...
--(O)--
Applejack stared at her pink friend. The mare had been standing there, completely still and staring off into space for the past five minutes. When waving her hoof in front of the other pony's face did nothing, AJ gave her a generous poke. That did the trick, Pinkie's attention snapped back to her guest and said, “I don't know why she gave me the beans, but she probably figured that I'd be able to find a pony who could put them to good use, and I did! So here ya go AJ, plant them beans!”
Pinkie tossed the box to her friend, who caught it in her own mouth. This whole situation had left her confused, but she decided to not look a gift horse in the mouth (an expression that also left her confused). “Well, uh, thanks Pinkie, this it real swell o' ya.”
“Think nothing of it.” Pinkie said, waiving a dismissive hoof, “It's what I'm here for.”
Thanking her friend again, Applejack left and headed back to the farm. She had some planting to do.
--(O)--
In the west field of Sweet Apple Acres there was a bare patch of ground. It was here that Applejack decided to plant her new beans. With practiced ease she laid perfect rows of seed, emptying the box in no time. Watering-can in mouth, she wet the ground and hoped.
The earth trembled. An earthquake? That's never happened 'round here. The ground shook again, harder this time. Well that was a little scarey, but at least it's over. The earth below her heaved and groaned, green tendrils shot from the ground and writhed like angry snakes. It was as though all the beasts of Tartarus were trying to break free from the underwold, right below her hooves. Then the green vines coiled into a single column, and rocketed into the air, carrying Applejack along with them. Crudcrudcrudcrudcrud!
Applejack awoke with a start. She slowly remembered what happened, the beanstalk lifting her high into the air at break-neck speed, she must have passed out from the g-force (or whatever Rainbow Dash called it). She took stock of her situation, but something didn't add up. Instead of clear blue sky and the ground below her, she was in a large white room. Looking around she saw piles of boxes and shipping containers, the only light in the room was coming from window slits high on the walls. This definitely looked like some kind of warehouse, but what was it doing a mile in the air? Of course, Applejack thought to herself, Cloudsdale drifted over Ponyville this month.
Without thinking, Applejack jumped from her perch on the beanstalk, only remembering she was on a cloud when it was too late. Her life would have flashed before her eyes, but it didn't have the chance. Instead of plummeting to her death, Applejack found herself standing on the pliable but solid floor of the warehouse. Applejack wasn't sure how she was standing on cloud. Maybe the magic beans had some effect on her, or maybe Twilight's cloud-walking spell had never worn off, or maybe the ponies had enchanted the warehouse floor so they wouldn't have to enchant all the incoming crates. Applejack didn't care what the reason was, as long as she wasn't falling to earth.
Deciding it would be a good idea to find out where she was, Applejack had a look around. She was surprised to see that most of the crates contained produce from all across Equestria. What was most interesting though, were the names printed on the side of each box: Clover Fields, Haymaker, The Banana Republic, even Quaking Oats. And above each of these names was the same logo, a stylized pegasus floating above a field of wheat. Now, none of this may mean anything to the average pony, but to a business conscious farmer it was shocking. None of these farms had anything to do with each other, in fact the Cloverfield and Haymaker families had been feuding for as long as they had been farming. There's no way they'd go into business together. What's more, Quaking Oats farm went bankrupt last year, they shouldn't even be here. Something fishy was going on.
Looking for more oddities Applejack entered a side office. There on the table were the deeds to each farm represented by the cargo outside. On the wall was a weather schedule, Ponyville's weather schedule. And then she noticed something off, this schedule was different than the official copy she had received. It was hard to notice, but changes had been made, and they were all directed towards Sweet Apple Acres. The differences were subtle, but together they could spell the difference between a good growing season and a bad one. A misting when there should have been a drizzle, a few extra clouds shading the farm. Her bad year wasn't bad luck, somepony was trying to push her out of business!
Stuffing the weather map and other paperwork into her hat, AJ made her way back to the beanstalk, she needed to tell somepony quick. As she started to climb down she noticed something else out of place. In the corner, sitting on a box sipping a soda, was a mint green unicorn with a gold harp as a cutiemark. They stared at each other for a moment, she looked familiar, a face around Ponyville? That's it, Lyra or something. As Applejack gathered her thoughts the unicorn nodded and said, “'S'up.”
“Uh... Howdy.” AJ was at a loss for words, “What're you doin' up here exactly?”
“You're friends with that hot chick Twilight right?” Lyra asked but didn't wait for a response. “Well she did this cloud-walky spell on me so I could come up here and visit my cousin. But when her boyfriend found out I was from Ponyville he got all freaked out, and he and his buddies dragged me here, asking all kinds of weird questions.”
Applejack nodded, ponynapping too? This was even bigger than she thought. “Ya'll 'd better come with me, we gotta tell somepony about all this.”
Lyra was getting up when the mares heard the sound of a door opening behind them. In walked five stallions. Four of them were muscular brown colts, far larger and sturdier built than your average pegasus pony (or any type of pony for that matter), they each had a look of surprise at the new guest which quickly turned into a scowl. The fifth was smaller than the rest, but in Applejack's mind, more intimidating. He was an older stallion with a gray pelt, he was well built and wore expensive looking gold jewelry. What struck Applejack though was the calculating expression he wore, sizing her up as if she was a tree ready to be bucked.
“Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum.” The older stallion said, referencing the ponies behind him. “I smell a rat.”
“Ain't no rats in Cloudsdale Mr. Thunderdell,” said a confused Fum (though it may have been Fee, Fi, or Fo). “`Sides, don't you think we should worry 'bout that pony first?”
Thunderdell put a gold-shod hoof to his face, “Just take care of her ya numb-skulls.”
The four henchponies approached Applejack smiling wickedly. AJ stood her ground, wearing a smirk of her own. “Shee-oot, you boy's ought'a lay off them steroids, those things'll shrink yer wings, 'mong other things.”
The henchponies stopped, bewildered. Victims were supposed to cower and beg for mercy, not make fun of them. As one they started forward again, only for Applejack to make an exaggerated show of looking at their backs and underneath them. Letting off a small whistle she said, “Then again, Ah guess ya can't wither what was stunted in the first place.
They stopped again, the steroid crack was one thing, but that was just mean. Fi wanted to make this pony stop talking a quickly as possible, he charged forward.
Now, the thing to remember about pegasus ponies is that they are natural fliers. Even though most of their actual flight is done magically, they still need to be light weight to get off the ground. Light weight means mass shaved away wherever it can be afforded. Low mass means hollow bones. Hollow bones mean... CRACK! Means Fi won't be getting off the floor for a while.
With a wide grin, Applejack lowered herself from her bucking position. “All right you varmints, who's next?”
Fee, Fo, and Fum pounced, AJ was ready for them. Thunderdell edged towards the office, carrying a lamp full of oil and a box of matches. Time to destroy some evidence and receive an insurance check. Fum was on the ground, Fee and Fo were in poor shape. Applejack on the other hoof, was doing fine apart from a few bruises (cheap shots that hurt her ego more than her flesh), she could do this all day.
AJ was always prepared for a scuffle, what she wasn't prepared for was the smoke billowing into the warehouse. Blinded by the acrid haze, Applejack took a hoof to the muzzle. After taking a few more kicks she climbed to her hooves again, ready for round two.
“EVERYPONY FREEZ!” Fee and Fo were enveloped in a purple glow, and indeed frozen in two blocks of ice. A magical wind blew through the room, clearing the smoke and extinguishing the fire. A net flashed into existence above Thunderdell and wrapped him up. And there, standing in the doorway, stood Twilight Sparkle wearing a full guard uniform. Flanking her was a Royal Guard unit, rushing in to apprehend the five stallions and secure what evidence could be found.
“Twilight? What're you doin' here?” Applejack asked.
“I should be asking you that question, but I'll go first: For the past several months I've been working with Princess Celestia and the Royal Guard to take down the Cloudsdale organized-crime syndicate.”
Applejack's slacked jaw and bulging eyes encouraged Twilight to continue. “Under the guise of several different companies and organizations, Blunderbuss Thunderdell and his associates have been buying up every small family farm across Equestria. Their goal was to create an agricultural monopoly, they'd control the entire food industry, charging anything they wanted with no competition.”
“Lies! Lies!” Thunderdell had been removed from the net and was now in shackles, “I swear you'll all be hearing from my lawyers! When they're through with you there won't be two bits between the lot of you!”
“Your lawyers are already in custody and testifying against you.” Twilight responded to the threat.
Thunderdell blanched at this information, but went on, “You have no proof I've done anything wrong!”
“I have two witnesses.” She said pointing at AJ and Lyra.
“Their word against mine! That won't hold up in court.”
“That one's wearing a wire.” Twilight said, this time gestured to Lyra.
“She is!?”
“I am!?” The unicorn shouted, just as surprised.
“Hehe, sorry about that,” Twilight apologized, laying her ears back and blushing. “I planted it on you when I cast the cloud-walking spell. We knew your cousin's coltfriend was a member of the syndicate, so I attached a magical listening device on your fur in the hopes that he'd let something slip. None of us expected that they'd bring you here. I didn't tell you because I thought that knowing might put you in danger.”
“Um, okay then. I guess it's okay since it was to catch bad guys.” Lyra said slowly, “But can you get the think off me now, wherever it is?”
“Sure thing, just hold still.” Twilight's horn lit up, and a sympathetic light touched the cutiemark on Lyra's left flank.
Lyra blushed but had a wide grin on her face, “Whoa there girl! Not that I mind the attention, but I'm spoken for right now...”
Twilight's magic concentrated on a single string of the harp. Lyra continued in a flirting voice, “But if you interested, the three of us might be able to work something ou- OUCH!”
With a sound like peeling tape, Twilight pulled a slender wire strand from Lyra's cutiemark. It had been hidden perfectly, overlaying one of the harp-strings. Lyra rubbed her flank as the purple unicorn lifted it to a waiting guard with an open evidence bag.
“That's still not enough! You don't have anything solid!” Thunderdell screamed, though he was visibly panicked by now.
“Oh Ah don't know 'bout that.” Applejack lifted her hat, revealing the tampered weather schedule and other paperwork she'd found suspicious.
“AJ you're amazing!” Twilight beamed at her friend.
“Well, Ah might not go that far.” She said, her ears flattened as she blushed from the praise, “It's jus' that nopony messes wi' the Apple family. But why didn't ya tell me 'bout this, it concerned me after all.”
“We didn't actually know that you were the next target, I had my suspicions, but no proof. Besides, this was a very delicate mission, the fewer ponies the better.”
Thunderdell was beaten, with head hung low the guards took him and his henchponies away. As Twilight watched them go she asked, “Now it's your turn, what are you even doing up here?”
“Oh, I planted them magic beans ya'll gave Pinkie Pie. Dang vines shot straight up here, takin' me along with 'em.”
Twilight's heart stopped. Pinkie took the beans? AJ planted the beans? This was bad. “I think we should go back to Ponyville, I have a feeling they might need us.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The screen faded back to white, the six mare's mulled over what they had just seen.
“Well,” Applejack started slowly, “That was a pretty good yarn, but not exactly what Ah had in mind.”
“I for one found it utterly ridiculous.” Said an affronted Rarity, “As if Twilight would concern herself with something as foalish as 'magic beans', really.”
“Uh, yeah... Ridiculous....” Agreed Twilight, as she gingerly pushed a box labeled 'Experimental' into a HazMat bin.
“Ah guess it wasn't all bad, at least Ah know not ta plant anything Pinkie gives me.”