Isn't Pinkie Pie supposed to be funny?

by Doood

But I do write Comedies.

No-no, I do. It's not a question of why, It's a question of how.

How I hate her are some obvious reasons, one her attitude. Always so cheery all the time. Only living things that’re that glad, are Sunflowers and Clowns.

Sunflowers because they fight zombies for a living, and clowns because clowns are fucking weird.

Second Reason, is how her character responds to open ended stimuli. Like for example, I say,

“I'm not getting in the cannon.”

Her response is,

“That's okay, the cannon can come to you.”

Blunt, hard and quick to the point. She doesn't have that positive feedback, she dishes it out with half assed reason.

The third quality, is her character in general. Honestly the first two could be summed up in this rhetorical bullet point.

She was raised on a rock farm in which she and her family had to do the same boring thing all day. Pick up rocks.

Okay that is actually a good backstory, it means she wasn't always happy. Sad Pinkie equals a depressed audience.

Suddenly, she sees a rainbow flood the sky and she's just all,

Poof - “Holy fuck that’s beautiful! LET'S SHARE THIS KINDNESS WITH THE FAMILY!!”

I'm okay with that too. It shows that what she saw changed her. But after it gets beyond that point, and with how she can bend the laws of physics to her will, everyone is creating this whole idea about how Pinkie is basically the ponial version of Marvel’s Babe: Deadpool.

Well… that's how I like to think about it anyway. All up to you.

And again, I hate Pinkie, but hate is a strong word, and I'm probably pissing off a couple of Pinkie fans out there.

Just writing that down killed off about twenty five of them.

She has a few good moments… like Pinkie Sense. Or how she somehow knew in the first season, that the bugs weren't all that cute.

But that's just that.

The main expense of Pinkie is for comedic relief. Something bad happens, and she's there to make it a joke. Like with Family Guy, she can take a horrible accident and make it funny.

Well, sorry people for saying it, but laughing about how a dragon is destroying your town, does not solve the problem.

Laughing causes the dragon to become butthurt. Dragon has no butthurt cream, thus and forever more, he then murders said town.

So, to wrap this up in a nice neat bow, I'm going to finish off by saying, Pinkie Pie, is a-

“LOOSE CANNON!!”

I told her I wasn't getting in the cannon. So she debuted me with something James Bond would say, and she fired.

However, keeping a cannon lodged in your ass all the time, has its downfalls. Like for example, when she fired the circus gun, the thing blew off its hinges, bucking three more times in different directions and flew right out the open front door.

I heard my car alarm go off just before confetti slapped across my face, a horrid stinging filling my senses. I yelped in terror, as the force made my body go into the dresser that held several napkins for the kitchen.

Pretty sure I cracked a couple of ribs, not to mention I also broke my ass bone when I hit the ground. Either than that, I was fine.

Pinkie turned out to be quivering in my umbrella holster, the small vase shaking.

After the ringing stopped, the alarm started. Not the, personal alarm, but my car's alarm.
I wasn't alarmed, my car was.

C'mon people. These are quality jokes here. Fucking giggle already.

I stood and shook the loose confetti off. They came off of me in ribbons colored blue pink and red. After that was done, I had to take off the party hat that donned my head, and the weird blow thingy that was in my mouth.

“Pinkie…” I said slowly facepalming, “I can't believe you've done this.”

The complex was trashed. Confetti rained still, there was cake and candles on the cake in the kitchen, banners all around. Place looks like kids decorated it and left without a word.

Wasn't my birthday, so why the came?

Guess where the cannon went though.

That's right. In my fucking car.

I don't have car insurance that covers cannon destruction.

So, it perplexes me why the guardians of fate chose to send Pinkie Pie. Why not send Twilight so she can berate me with the use of knowledge? Fluttershy so I could talk to somebody, and they would listen? Hell, Applejack so she could knock some sense in me.

Reason I didn't add Rainbow Dash or Rarity is because I don't like their characters any more than Pinkie right now.

Brony Deathcount:

Rainbow Dash Fans : deceased

Rarity fans: 4,987 deceased

Pinkie Fans: Those of you who are reading this.

Reason of death: Cardiac Arrest

I stepped onto my front porch and gazed at my now crushed car. The cannon went through the window, and it was sticking itself out like it was a fucking boner.

A sigh escaped my throat as the car alarm got rather annoying. So I took the keys from my pocket and clicked the red alarm button.

The alarm went silent.

There were no words for the emotions that were passing through my head. Anger. Sadness. Loss. Regret.

I'll also add grief in their for an effort to sound like a depression support group.

The sound of clopping hooves on wood reached my ears. Pinkie appeared beside me, “Oops... “ she said, giving me an oopsie smile, “Is that yours?”

My eye twitched.

“Well the good news is you now have a pirate car, and you can sail the seven roads!”

I turned to look at Pinkie, “I'm going to sail seven feet up your ass.”

How I would do that would take time. But it would be done. Mark my words… again.

She hung her head, “I'm sorry.”

Sorry doesn't exactly cut it this time. Id have to explain to my neighbors and anybody who had heard this accident, that it was just that.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse- The radio in my car turned on, the song Sorry started playing.

“Is it too late now to say sorry~”

I had no other choice after finding my house in disarray. I had to lock her up in the shed in the backyard, and go to the corner store for some food.

Because apparently, Pinkie had also raided my fridge of anything edible.

The damnable gluten had eaten almost everything.

So, I Iured her into my shed. Left her a trail of M&M’s to follow, and when she got into the shed, I locked the door shut, putting the key lock on. Ended up pocketing the key and running like mad.

I slammed the door shut to my car and did the usual. Engine on, put in drive, look behind me-

Cannon.

Still can't believe it's there.

“Pirate Car…” I muttered to myself, mocking the Element of Laughter.

I backed out using my side mirrors and got on the road. The ride didn’t take long. There's a reason why it's called a corner store.

It was named Zippy Mart. The owner's name was John, and John was an Old Bastard. He and I have gotten into that sort of customer-owner relationship over the past few years and we liked to banter like an old couple everytime we met.

He's a pretty stand up kinda guy, he's just a bit weird.

I walked into Zippy’s and took a left to go get some milk.

“Well if it isn't my worst customer!”

I stopped walking and sighed. With what has happened, I really couldn't banter with John right now. So I ignored him.

“What're you getting today bud? Hopefully you can pay for it this time.”

I grumbled to myself as I pulled the Milk out, setting it on the counter,

“John- shut the hell up and make me a sandwich.” I slapped a fifty on the counter and made my way to the snack aisle as the guy chuckled,

“Jayzus, what's got your panties in a bunch?”

My eye twitched again, but I refused to tell him why.

A pony has destroyed my bank account in a literal few moments, and she wants me to go with her on her favorite rocket ship.

Oh, and her name is Pinkie Pie.

“I got reasons as to why, John.”

John laughed from his sandwich booth, “I won't pry.”

Yeah. He will.

He eyed me, “Is it a lady friend?”

He did.

“My advice? Listen. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.” He said with a smile.

Only thing he wouldn't do is overprice cheese. And that doesn't sound like a good relationship goal.

Honey, I know you’re mad, but there's this cheese...

I leaned out from the aisle and pointed, “Keep your old ass nose away from my business.”

John held his hands up, my finished sandwich in one of them,

“Hey, I'm just saying, I've had my fair share of lady friends bud.”

I came to the counter with food that would tide me over until I could figure what I would do with Pinkie,

“Oh, wow. Really?” I leaned forward, “You keep count?”

He sputtered, “W-well.”

As he handed me my change, I interrupted, “Exactly.”

I exited feeling a bit dickesh, “Old… bastard.”

But he did pry into my business. He was a good guy, never hurt anyone. But with old age came that nosiness that I absolutely abhorred.

What was bought, I threw in the trunk. Me, I put myself in the driver's seat. And with a sigh, I cover my face with my hands.

Still gotta deal with the devil.

I'm actually kinda worried that she might be dying in the shed. No air-

Wait. What am I saying. It's Pinkie. She's fine. Probably already escaped.

I put the key into ignition and did the routine. Engine on, put it in drive, look behind me,

Pinkie.

Pinkie, and Cannon.

Pinkie and Cannon plus Pinkie with mad face.

Very bad for me.

“I hope you do know I locked the shed with a lock that was said to be very tough.” I said, sniffing.

When she all but glared at me, I continued, “What do you want, Pinkie.”

“Two things.” She said holding up two hooves,

“One, your cooperation. Next time you lock me in a shed with no cupcakes, there will be consequences.”

I slapped my head, “Shit. I forgot the cupcakes! Let me just-”

Patting myself down, I sighed and snapped my fingers, “You know, I forgot my handy dandy notebook.”

Pinkie was unamused, “Hilarious.”

I nodded, “It is. Coming from you, that must mean I'm like, your protegé right?”

“That's the second thing. I came here to help you make friends, and smile.”

“Wow. Very surmisable goal.”

“Yes. A goal that you're making very difficult. “

I grinned, “I'm just that kinda person.”

Pinkie shook her head and sighed, “Debbie D, this is the start to a long and very tedious-”