You're Not Her
B_25
I've both loved, and hated, my sister since I was young.
Rarity was perfect! Was there any other way to say it? Her coat was the brightest shade of white and always well-groomed. Her mane was never without its luscious curls. Many nights have passed and many tears have been shed, and yet I have failed again and again to straighten the thickness of my mane. I’m never, ever coming close to matching her beauty.
How does she do it? How can she so perfect so effortlessly? I look like a mess when I try some makeup on, but her... a pat, a flick, a squeeze of perfume and she's ascended to a level of beauty I could never dare to reach.
By doing almost nothing, somehow, my sister tended to get everything.
And I'll always emulate her. It doesn't matter what happens, I'll find myself wanting what she has that she so easily tosses away. If I could just be her, then all of my dreams would have come true, even if it's only one thing that I dream for.
Spike.
I sat at the booth as still as I could.
I was without a dress, because it would have set me out of place. I still tried my best to look nice—my mane curled, my eyebrows straightened and brightened, with a pat of makeup done around my eyes. Not enough to draw attention to itself; enough to accentuate my beauty.
Or what little I had.
I stared out the window of the booth, searching along the streets of Ponyville, waiting for my date to arrive. I liked him since the first time I saw him; nothing came of it at the time, but as time went on, that dragon slowly grew on me.
Spike was different now. Far different from how I was back then. He changed for the better; I changed for the worst. Nopony knew that but me. I planned to keep it that way. So long as my secret remained my own, everypony involved could walk away happy.
That's what I hoped for.
But soon the glass betrayed me: it showed my reflection. I saw not a filly, but a mare staring back, and I was wiser than to believe what I saw—I knew I was but a filly underneath it all. The mare in the glass stared back at me, impassive and without expression, not knowing which face to wear, which one would bring out the utmost beauty inside me.
That's because that definition did not belong to me: it was held by the one who had my heart. It didn't matter what I saw, because my opinion did not matter, and I would change, at a single word, to whatever he demanded of me.
Was it unhealthy?
Without a doubt.
Was it necessary?
Absolutely.
I knew it wasn't meant to be. I'd never leave him, but if the situation was right, I knew he would leave me. Maybe he wouldn't, and I was just a horrible filly for thinking that, but my fears, though called silly, mostly came true.
I would change myself for him, no matter how much it hurt, or how different it made me, all if it meant I could keep him for just a little longer. The only thing I couldn't do, which would keep him with me forever, was become her.
I saw him. It roused me from myself. My heart fluttered, my tail flicked, and my eyes brightened with life. He saw me at once through the glass, stopping in the middle of the crowd upon spotting me. With a smile fin to fin, he waved to me, creating quite the comical scene.
I covered my mouth with a hoof, giggling. It was the polite thing to do; it was what a lady was supposed to do. Be a lady and not a filly, Sweetie Belle. That was the advice she gave me. I loved and hated her for it.
But the more I watched, the more I laughed, and the more on the inside I felt glad to be alive! The dragon on the road spun around, seeing the wagons stopped behind him, holding up the palm of his claws to the ponies yelling at them. I couldn't hear their words but I could see their anger.
I... couldn't help myself! Spike was backing up with his tail twirling about. From over his shoulder, he would peek at me, offering a cheeky smile that tickled me everywhere! There was no stopping my laughter.
My hoof fell from my mouth, exposing my mirth, while it dropped to my chest, repressing the beatings of my heart. He could make me feel like a filly because of how silly he was. Spike was a combination of everything I adored: handsomely aloof.
The wagons soon rolled past him, and when they did, he bowed for them. He gestured a claw to the left, like he was granting them permission. It caused them to yell more and more, and for me to laugh harder and harder, while the stares around the establishment settled on me over and over.
I never used to think or talk like this.
Spike held his other claw behind his back, which he had waving to me, in a fashion that was somehow funny. Once the wagons had passed, and the ponies had left, he stood up and walked to the entrance of the restaurant.
It didn't take him long to come over to my table. I'd already gone through the trouble of ordering our meals—I ate small and healthy, while he ate the same gems and stones over and over. It was a nice tradition, though one I wasn't sure how long it would last.
“How's it going, Sweetie?”
He said my name no different from any other, and yet, it always made my heart beat a tad faster. “Pretty good. Are you alright?”
“May have gotten some mud on my scales.” He gestured down his body, spinning while he did so, showing off every inch of him. “How about it, lady; am I unfit for a dinner with you?”
“You could be a pig and I'd still kiss you.”
“Don't say things you may regret.” Spike came over next to me, towering over me, smiling down at me. We'd been together forever, and yet, every date still felt like the first. “You've kissed a dragon of all things how many times now? And I still ain't a prince.”
“Lean down here and kiss me again.” I could sound sweet when I needed to be. This was one of the few times that what I wanted, and what I needed, was the same thing. “With any luck, you'll end up becoming the pig.”
He leaned down in a swift movement. His face was before me, sharp and without fat, his fins pointy as they shot back. His spines had thinned out, looking almost like a spiky mane. His lips looked firm and just supple enough to be devoured by my own.
“Words can hurt, y'know.”
I giggled. “Then let me kiss you better.”
I didn't even let him make the first move. I took what I wanted, what I desired for myself, feeling his lips touch against my own, the contact sending a tingle down my own. They were plush and supple, solid but easy to press inward.
And dear Celestia, I could never get enough of them.
But he was never the one to pull away. It was always me. I couldn't bear to have a kiss last too long out of my desires, lest he knew how desperate I was without him, not wanting him to catch a whiff of my scent. I loved him whereas he liked me.
“Is that it?” Spike said when I drew an inch away—but no further. “Only a five-second kiss for all that effort?”
My cheeks blushed brighter than I would have liked. I dipped my muzzle, unable to stop myself from smiling crazily, feeling his heavy gaze set on me. How he made my heart beat with such a simple stare. His lips drew closer, and if I wanted them, I would only have to raise my muzzle.
And I did so without regret.
The kiss lasted longer this time. I hoped I wasn't the only one to enjoy it.
Eventually, though, he took a seat on the other side of the booth. He groaned heavily upon sitting down like a weight was flooding through his feet and dispersing across the floor. Something had him happy and worn down simultaneously.
“Hard day at work?” I said.
“Depends on what work you're referring to.” Spike slouched into his seat and tilted his head back. “The farm is alright. Twilight only had one mental breakdown in the castle.” He chuckled. “Rarity and I finished her latest dress earlier than she thought. That’s the only reason why I'm here so early.”
I had to fight my eye to keep it from twitching. “Is that so?”
“Yeah!” He glanced down at the table. He spotted something, because his eyes glinted for a second. His claw snatched for the dispenser of toothpicks, only to grab one and happily drop it on his mouth. “She had herself stressed out over nothing. Had to calm her down from a mild panic attack, buuuuuut we pulled through alright.”
I levitated a straw over in my magic, twisting it slightly in my hold; anything to repress my rage. “That makes me glad to hear. You two... um, never mind.”
His eyes focused on me at once. He sat straight, flicking the toothpick to the side of his mouth. “What were ya going to say?” He blinked, tilting his head. “Ya don't have to be nervous. Ask me anything you like!”
I tucked my bottom lip inward and bit down softly. “It doesn't matter now,” I said. “I figured it out for myself.”
“That so?” Spike smiled. “Alright then. I won't press ya.” He leaned right and out of the booth, staring down the lane. “You already order dinner? Service here is terrible if you didn't.”
I nodded. “I put the order in before I even sat down. Our meals should be here soon.”
He stared at me out of the corner of his eye.
Dinner went on without much comment.
I did my best to keep myself in check. Keep the focus on him, laugh when it was deserved—don't laugh at everything. It'll cheapen the value of my approval. We ate in peace, with not much in discussion. Much was on my mind and very little came out of my mouth.
To be honest, it felt like I was wasting one of our few interactions, but if I didn't behave the way I was supposed to, then we wouldn't have interactions to begin with. Spike walked me to the door, but when we were supposed to split ways, he asked me something I wasn't expecting.
“Would you like to go for a walk?”
I glanced up to see the moon. “It's kinda late.”
“I promise to fight off any dragons,” he replied. “I'll even fight myself if I look at you funny. What do ya say?”
“How could I say no to that?” I held and arched my foreleg. “Keep me safe, dragon.”
“You talk like your sister.” He wrapped an arm around my foreleg. “You should knock that off.”
Insult or compliment? I wasn't sure which.
We walked together through the night. There didn't seem to be a destination in mind, but rather, us wandering together. I didn't mind it one bit; he seemed to enjoy it. We only started talking when we hit the outskirts of Ponyville.
“You know I like you, Sweetie Belle, right?” Spike said from over my head, and when I looked up at him, I saw his eyes gazing down at me—glowing against the night. “Like, like you a lot. You know that, right?”
I giggled into a hoof—correct once again. “Of course I do. I like you as well, Spike.”
But he only shook his head. “But do you though? Because, like... it feels like something's off between us.”
My heart hammered in my chest, and without meaning to, I shook my head. Stroll through midnight? It was too good to be true. There had to be something behind it. I knew something like this was bound to happen sooner or later... but I hoped for the latter rather than the former.
“I-I'm sorry!” I couldn't help but cry, feeling myself sink to the ground. “I... I didn't mean to... oh... S-Spike!”
“H-H-Hey!” At once he was dropping alongside me. Before I could so much as touch the grass, he grabbed me by the barrel, keeping me raised. “What gives?! I didn't mean anything by the comment! I... I take it back! I take it back!”
“Y-You don't have to take it back!” I cried, shaking my head. “I-I understand! I really do! I knew it was coming. I... thank you... thank you!”
“Thank you for what?” Spike sounded genuinely confused, and though it was hard to see through my tears, the gentle glow of his eyes cut through the blurriness. “Me asking about you? Of course I care for you.”
I blinked. “W-What?”
“What do you mean, what?” Spike sat down on the grass as well, bringing me over to his lap. “I was just going to ask why you've been acting so differently is all. I mean, it's a talk I've been wanting to have for a while now, but I thought—“
“So you are breaking up with me?!”
I knew it, I expected it, I prepared for it, yet it still broke my heart.
“Breaking up with you!” He shook his head, and there was a whine to his voice. “What, are you crazy? Do you seriously think I could get another mare to say yes to a dragon like me?” He made me giggle in-between my sobs. “I swear, you take after your sister too much sometimes.”
“Or... or I don't take after her enough!”
If someone could look so cute and confused at the same time, it would be Spike. His face almost collapsed onto itself, brow furrowed and eyes narrowed, all with a slightly open mouth. “The heck is that supposed to mean! Eh, crud.” He laid me across his lap, and with his arm free, brought a claw to my cheek.
He wiped away my tears.
“It's alright. Cry it out.” Spike sighed heavily, bringing his palm to the back of my head. He let me rest against it, holding me above his thigh. “Take as long as you need. I ain't mad. We can talk when you're ready.”
For whatever reason, even though it was impolite of a lady, I cried my heart out in front of him.
I couldn't even remember the reasons why I cried, only that I cried for them all, and it felt both horrible and great. It was a release I didn't know I needed until everything was coming out. I could feel my snout starting to be clogged.
Disgusting.
“I can hear you sniffling. Don't sniff it back.” He turned and reached into his waist, where a pouch was tied around, and he pulled some napkins out from its depths. “I stole some of these from the restaurant. Wanna know how many I stole? Every minute we waited for our food, I stole a napkin—that'll show 'em for making their customers wait so long.”
Those were the weak kind of jokes I wasn't supposed to giggle at, but there was no stopping the laughter that spewed past my lips. I didn't try to fight the enjoyment back. For the first time in a while, despite me in my most venerable state, I allowed myself to enjoy myself.
“Can you raise your snout for a second?” He asked, inching my head up. “I promise it'll be quick.”
The tears were starting to die down. “I... can blow my own nose, Spike.”
“Who can't blow their own nose?” I tilted my muzzle until it rested squarely on his palm. He brought the napkin over my snout, covering it. “I'm doing this so you can see how much I love you. Now blow like a wolf and bring this house down.”
I blew snot without even trying—laughing caused me to clear my nose. I heard it empty into the napkin, which he quickly crumbled up and placed back in his pouch. When he was done, he looked down at me. “You wanna rest for a bit longer?”
I shook my head as much as I could manage. “No, I... think I'm better now.”
Spike smiled at me. It was a warm smile—one I desperately needed in that moment. It was funny how a creature who was supposed to be so greedy, was instead, so giving. He opened his legs to create a circle, which I sat in the middle of, giving me space while keeping him around me.
“You ready to talk about... whatever that was?”
I wiped underneath my eyes. “I'm sorry about that.”
“You don't have to be sorry.” He leaned back as much as he could, one arm holding him up, the other rubbing the back of his neck. So cute. “I just wasn't expecting it, is all. I've been through plenty of attacks with Twilight and Rarity, but I... just never had one with you.” He stopped rubbing his neck. “In a way, I'm sorta glad it happened.”
“R-Really?”
“I don't mean that in a bad way!” He exclaimed. “I'd rather have you not crying if it made you feel better. But seeing you break down like that? It made me feel that we got, I dunno, closer... if that makes any sense.”
That didn't make any sense! Doing everything a lady should... was the opposite of what he wanted? That's what Rarity would have done. I'd been trying to be like her for so long, and now, I could feel my curls of my mane giving up. I lifted my hoof to my hair, feeling it scrunch into its natural state.
“But... I've tried for so long to be her.”
“Her?”
“R-Rarity.”
“Oh.” He blinked, twice. “Oh... I, uh, think I get it now.” He gulped. “Why you feel so different. Can I, um, a-ask why you're trying to be—“
“Don't try to play silly, Spike.” I gazed up at him, not letting him back away from my gaze. If I was going to be forced to be honest, then so was he. “We both know that you got rejected by Rarity. The way you were for those first few days.”
“My scales had gone black and I sang some edgy tunes.” Spike shook his head. “Wait, is that the reason you asked me out? Because you pitied me?” He blinked. “I'm not sure how to feel about that.”
“N-No!” My hooves scrambled in the air in front of me. “It's nothing like that! I've always, sorta, you know, liked you.” I slowly brought my hooves back to the grass, swallowing my fear away. “I just... didn't think I stood a chance while I was in her shadow.”
Spike kept silent.
“You fawned over her like no other.” I giggled at the memory. “Whenever I was alone in my room, I always imagined what it would feel like to have someone else... being that way for me. And when I pictured it being you, well, those were the fantasies I always enjoyed the most.”
“I... heh.” Spike glanced down his chest. “Why didn't you say anything sooner?”
“Because I wouldn't have stood a chance, you silly boy.” I lifted a hoof and laid it against his thigh, rubbing in small circles. “I was competing with Rarity of all mares! The only time I could steal you away, well, was when she shot you down completely.”
I stopped rubbing his thigh. “Guess that must make me a pretty terrible mare, hey?”
“I don't think so,” he replied. “Not when you're a dragon as desperate as me.”
We sat in silence. What was there to be said with how horrible we were exposed? Both of us had been hiding something. I'm not sure what the truth even was. Did he only say yes because I was the only mare asking? Did he like me even beyond that?
“Can I... hold you for a second.”
His voice snapped me to reality. “Huh?”
“There's a lot of things I want to say,” he continued. “They would be easier to say if I could say them while holding you.” He gulped, smiling awkwardly, in such, that some fang was showing. “Kinda like a white teddy bear.” He slapped a claw against his eyes. “Please pretend I didn't sound like an idiot for a second.”
“Alright then, sure.” I lifted a hoof to cover my mouth, knowing what came next. “But you're still stuck with all the other seconds where you were an idiot!” Instead of covering my mouth, I pointed it at him and laughed. “What do you got to say to that, huuuuuuh?”
“That words can hurt?”
“So pick me up!” I replied as I held up my forelegs; I must have looked like a silly filly waiting to be picked up. “And I'll kiss you all better.”
Relief washed over his face at once. He didn't hesitate to lean down and pick me up, lifting me from underneath my forelegs. He started to lie back on the grass as he brought me over his chest, letting my body sprawl across it when we made contact.
I kissed him. I didn't bother to pin my tail between my legs, letting my legs drape along his sides, my forelegs coming and crossing over and around his neck. I hugged him with my lingering strength, his body so... hard that I wanted to press myself against it so I could feel more of it.
“Mmhmm...” Spike kissed me back, sometimes catching my bottom lip between his two, rubbing them together over it. We kissed and then we kissed again, making out and moaning aloud, enjoying the warmth of each other's bodies. “I... mmhmm... S-Sweetie Belle....”
I pulled back after hearing my name, feeling myself in a dazed state. Without looking at him, I let my muzzle rest underneath his jaw, snuggling myself into the small crook that I had found. There was moan from me for him to continue.
“There's something I want to tell you.” Spike leaned his head fully into the grass, letting his claw fall onto my mane, stroking down it with his talons. “There's something you gotta understand if we're going to continue this.”
“And... what's that?”
“You're not her.”
“W-What?” I lifted my head at that, enough so I could stare into his glowing green eyes. “What do you mean by that?”
“It means that you're not her. You're not Rarity, and you never will be.” He stopped his claw near my back, pausing for a moment. “I'm not going to lie to you: I am drawn to your semblance of her. But the more time I have spent with you, the more I was drawn to how you embodied that resemblance for yourself.”
I shook my head. “I still d-don't understand.”
“It means you're not her, Sweetie Belle,” he said. “And I couldn't love you more for that. I don't like it when you do your mane up, or when you try talking fancy. When you're holding back, it feels like I'm doing something wrong.” He smiled at me. “I'm not dating you for anyone else but you. You're my new love.”
I couldn't stop the tears again. Placing my muzzle against his collarbone, I let my happiness course free.
“I'll fawn over you until the sun comes up.” Spike went back to stroking my mane. “And with how many favors Celestia owes me, I can keep that sun down for over a thousand years. I can probably make Luna happy while I'm at it.”
“I hate you.”
“That's a shame. I love you.”
“So do I.”
“You love yourself?”
“I take after Rarity, don't I?”
“You may not believe this, but please don't.”
We laughed.
We laid in that field until we both got sleepy.
I don't remember the last time I was ever so... happy. When it came to taking me home, Spike asked to carry me, which made my heart beat out of my chest, but I was careful about saying yes. He looked as desperate to carry me as I was to be held by him.
But I agreed.
He allowed me to lie back in his hold. One claw at my neck and one claw holding up my back. He held me close to his chest, which I used as a pillow. When I looked up, all I could see were the stars in the skies, and better than that were his eyes set forward.
I felt like a princess.
He felt like a prince.
And both of our fantasies had become real.