//------------------------------// // Let's Get Cooking // Story: The Rock in the Gulch // by Tatsurou //------------------------------// Captain Flowers stared over the setup that Red team had crafted for the 'cookout' for that week. Hanging over a large metal plate on the ground, dozens of skewers holding up hunks of raw meat and selections of uncooked vegetables swayed in the air, somehow not drawing insects. A few standard picnic games like frisbee and soccer were set up, along with a few non-standard ones like 'Shoot the Spy' and '20 Bullets'. A few tables had also been set up, though no plates or cups as everyone had brought their own mess kit. A few large casks were also set up, one labeled 'For Real Men!', and the other labeled 'For Blues, Pansies, and the Pony!' "This is...an interesting setup," he murmured as he took it all in. "I know, right?" Sarge declared proudly. "Everything's ready for the cookout to begin once everyone gets here!" "That doesn't look like anything you requisitioned," Flowers observed as he looked over the food. "Didn't requisition!" Sarge corrected. "Every bit of food here was provided by Red Team itself! Beat that, Blue sissies!" "You got...meat here?" Flowers asked awkwardly. "That's from Grif!" Sarge declared smugly. "No idea where he got it, and as long as it tastes good, I don't care!" "Where...did you get it, Grif?" Flowers inquired, turning to the orange-clad soldier. "You...really don't want to know," Grif told him awkwardly. "Trust me, you really don't. But it does taste good!" "Did you provide the vegetables too?" Flowers asked, deciding he didn't really want to know any more than that. "No, that was me," Simmons spoke up. "I planted a vegetable garden in an out of the way corner of the canyon as something to do to pass the time and help reassure myself that the laws of nature were still intact to some extent. Sarge allowed it because apparently horses eat vegetables, so he assumes Maud will too." "But horses will also eat meat!" Sarge declared eagerly. "So I'm going to offer Maud some of my family recipe using the meat Grif provided! If she likes it, then plainly my cooking is superior! If she doesn't, it's Grif's fault for providing sub-par meat!" "Of course it is, Sarge," Grif allowed sarcastically. "So once everyone gets here, I'll demonstrate the family cooking techniques!" Sarge proclaimed proudly. "But only Maud gets to watch!" "That should be interesting," Maud murmured from right next to Sarge's feet. "Sweet Fanny Addams!" Sarge yelled out as he leapt back. "How do you keep doing that?" "Awesomely," Maud replied flatly. "Dam straight!" Sarge confirmed. "Now where are the other Blues?" "Here they come," Flowers observed as Church and Tucker approached. "And it looks like Doc's already here." "Cookouts and picnics can result in all sorts of unexpected injuries," Doc observed happily. "I'm ready to treat them!" "Alright!" Sarge shouted as he tied on an apron. "Time to begin! Maud, watch closely!" Flowers had just enough time to see that the apron Sarge had tied on read 'Kill the Cook if you Dare!' before Sarge led Maud over to the hanging meat and vegetables. "Now pay close attention," Sarge told Maud quietly as he worked his way down the line. "The first step of the family cooking style is to arrange the food like so. The next step is the careful, delicate seasoning with the secret family mix of herbs, spices, and booze." He liberally soaked the meat and vegetables with the contents of the cask labelled 'For Real Men!' before sprinkling on a spice mix. "Now don't worry, the alcohol gets burned away in cooking, so your stick-in-the-mud pops doesn't need to worry about getting drunk before you're old enough! Personally, I don't see the problem with giving you a small cup, but unfortunately I'm not the one you're calling Dad!" "You are not getting my daughter drunk while she's still measuring her years in single digits," Church growled angrily. "I just finished saying that!" Sarge snapped back. He then turned to Maud. "And now the final stage of the family secret cooking techniques..." He pulled out a flamethrower. "Insanely hot flames for instant roasting!" He pulled the trigger and proceeded to wave the wand so the flames coated the meat and vegetables, searing and cooking them with the high intensity heat. A few potatoes Grif had added also puffed up from the heat roasting and baking them, making mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, and french fries in an instant. Sarge took in a deep breath through his nose as he shut off the flamethrower. "Smell that tasty cooking!" "It smells like gasoline, turmeric, tarragon, saffron, oregano, paprika, cumin, thyme, and booze," Maud observed idly. Sarge slowly turned to Maud in shock. "You...you can smell the spice mix?" "It smells delicious," Maud added calmly. Moving forward, she grabbed a skewer of meat, one of vegetables, a potato, and a rock and began to eat. "So how about these games?" Grif suggested. "Most of them are Sarge's ideas, so I don't know how they work." "How about Shoot the Spy?" Flowers asked curiously. "Is it anything like 'I Spy'?" "Very similar!" Sarge agreed happily. "Grif, why don't you lead off to demonstrate?" "Oh, I love that game!" Grif declared happily. "I Spy-" "Shoot the Spy!" Sarge screamed out as he pulled out his gun. "Shoot him!" "Yipe!" Grif yelped, pulling out a shield to block as everyone opened fire on him. "Let me guess...'20 Bullets' is how many chances everyone gets to shoot me?" "Exactly!" Sarge declared happily. "Fun for the whole family!" "Let me just get something to eat first, okay?" Grif asked as he started to load his plate up with nearly half the cooked food. "You exercise some portion control, you glutton!" Sarge snapped out. "I don't care about the rest of these idiots, but leave some for the little pony!" As laughter and arguments went back and forth, Flowers calmly filled his plate. Maud was orders of magnitude safer now with the present arrangement, which by connection made Church orders of magnitude safer. All in all, he felt he was doing an excellent job fulfilling his mission. Not to mention Sarge is a surprisingly good cook, he mused in amazement as he ate.