You sighed, of all the goddamn ways to finally enter the land of fantasy and happiness. You somehow found yourself plucked and dropped right onto it's rather grotesque backside.
"I thought you said a ticket to Equestria came with no strings attached? W-" you stopped yourself for a moment, and thought hard on your next words. Only you and Discord knew of not only this pact. but the fact that you came from a world disconnected from Equestria in all ways except by a simple TV screen.
You sighed. Might as well get the answer. Maybe it can help you get out of being a little colt by finding some loophole...or something.
"Why do I have to be your.....ahh..son? Exactly?"
Discord chortled "Well that's very simple Anon. It's because I'm bored and I thought I'd have a little fun at your expense. Besides, hasn't it always been your dream to be my son?"
it wasn't… Friend maybe… But not his "Son"
"Yes… yes.. I mean.. YES" You blurted out. You couldn't say no for some reason. no matter how hard you tried. You couldn't get out the words "No". You panicked and fell backwards before realizing it must be one of his chaotic tricks.
"Ahh see? That's why I, being the good natured father that I am. Took in you, Anon. A poor, defenseless, little colt. And about the strings..."
Discord held up some strings in front of your face before tossing them backwards. "As you can see, they weren't attached to anything. Anon, it hurts to see my son being so inquisitive of my nature when it's plainly clear that I've kept up my end of the deal without a single HINT of malcontent. Now....about that hug?"
You groaned. You couldn't argue that logic. But only because he'd just find a loophole through whatever loophole you could find. But being his son? You were sure that was another name for "Plaything"
You just looked at him. Annoyed. And turned around. Only to find yourself on a precarious and tiny platform. below you a host of spikes
The platform quickly shrunk, making you jump backwards....and right into Discord's arms
Discord snuggled you and laughed "There we go, don't you feel all better now that you got a hug from the best dad you could ever hope for?"
You were shaking in fear. You almost died "DON'T LET ME DOWN. PLEASE. DON'T DROP ME!"
Discord giggled "Anon, pleeeeease. I'm your father. I'd never do anything so heinous as to let you fall down"
You weren't paying attention. You never were so close to death in your life. You actually found yourself snuggling your face into his chest.
"However..." Suddenly Discord just lets you go.
You scream as you fall......upwards?
Before you can finish your panicked yelling. You immediately slam headfirst into some grass. You feel a little dizzy as you try to orient yourself and spit out a few blades.
"That's not funny As-" Before you could finish your sentence. You found your mouth suddenly zipped up with a physical zipper. Discord suddenly appeared before you. shaking his taloned finger at you
"tch,tch. Anon. You should know cursing won't be tolerated. Unless..well...hmmm"
Discord twirled his beard for a moment. Thinking of his next words. As you tried to open your mouth.
"Well....unless it's a fun magical curse. otherwise, no cursing. Are we clear?"
You just make muffled noises. Discord shook his head and put his arms to his side. "Heavens Anon, when I ask you something. I expect a clear and concise response. No mumbling....are we clear?"
You try to yell louder, your face becoming red before you realize he's just messing with you some more. He's just staring at you with a cocky smile. You give up, and fall forward into the grass. It was clear going against him was definitely not an option.
Suddenly, the zipper zips back down as Discord pats you on the head. "Good. Now, I have a question for you Anon"
You just lay there, defeated, putting your face in the ground as you feel the humiliation flow through you. "what...?"
"Well, I've never been a father before, you see. I haven't the faintest clue on what to do first. What would you suggest?"
You didn't even bother to look at him. With a dead tone, you respond. "How about you throw me in the river, since I won't be able to be with my waifu"
"EXCELLENT IDEA!" Discord chimed as you suddenly flew up and darted right into a nearby river. Before you knew it, your vision was muddled by the river's water as you twirled about in it's depth.
You held your breath and struggled to try to get topside. But these damnable limbs. You weren't used to them but you couldn't let yourself drown. You tried desperately. You managed to get your head above water as you yelled for help. "SAVE ME!"
Discord poofed above you. He seemed confused. "Save you? But didn't you want this?"
"I WASN'T BEING SERIOUS! YOU JERK! S-SAVE *blub* ME!"
You found yourself struggling to stay afloat as you yelled for Discord's help. "hmm, No. I don't think I should.....not unless you say the magic word of course." Discord, said. Giving you an almost evil toothy grin.
"YOU CAN'T *glurg* BE SERIOUS?!"
Discord said nothing. And you were beginning to tire and sink. Would he really let you drown? Well, this wasn't a time to find out.
"F-FINE! SAVE ME, PLEASE!" Within a flash, you found yourself out of the water and upside down. Your hooves clipped by clothespins as you hang from a wire.
"Wow Anon, my lessons are really leaving you out to dry. How are you supposed to learn anything when you just insist on hanging around? Hmmmm?"
You were furious now. This wasn't worth it. "YOU PI-" Suddenly, you find your mouth zipped up again.
Discord frowned "what a terrible father I've been. it's only been ten minutes and I haven't been able to teach you a single lesson. How am I supposed to impress Fluttershy when my own flesh and blood refuses to behave."
Suddenly, your anger partially subsides the moment he says "Fluttershy". That was one of the ponies you wanted to meet! Well yeah duh. of course Discord knows her.
You struggle to free yourself from the clothes pins. You succeed. And fall face first into the grass again.....you were getting real tired of falling about at this point. Discord took out his teary eyed eyeballs and rubbed them like glasses with a cloth. "I can't just start over either. I've already grown quite attached to this little colt."
As you try to unzip your mouth with your hooves. You suddenly find yourself flying like a dart right into Discord's side. And just sticking there. You just let your hooves hang as you look ahead, annoyed.
"Why, I probably could have gotten points with my other friends too. I bet even Twilight, as self centered and snooty as she can be, would find me being a good father worthy of praise....and perhaps a chair in her castle."
You couldn't tell if he was being sincere. But it did seem that he planned on showing you off to the Mane 6. You did want to meet them. You sigh. If you kept struggling. You might either get sent back home...or worse. But if you played along, you'd be able to meet them...as long as Discord wasn't rusing you. You made your choice.
You thought for a moment. Until you just decided to wrap your hooves around him and give him a hug. It was the only way you could display complying with him. Discord stopped his words, and curled about to look at you, hugging him. "Anon...are you....hugging me?"
You slowly nod as you continue your nuzzling. Discord smiled. "Does that mean....I'm doing a good job?" You nod again. "Does...that make me the best father...ever?" You hesitate....and then slowly nod.
"SPLENDID" Discord yelled as he grabs you and hugs you back before throwing you up into the air as he appears in a school cap and gown, a diploma in his hand as fanfare can be heard.
You however, fall flat on your face again. You just quickly lift your head to shake off your pain.
Suddenly the extra garbs on Discord disappears as he picks you up, unzips your mouth, and brushes you off with the end of his tail. he then puts you down and pats your head. "There we are, good as new. Now then, shall we continue our lessons Anon?"
You gulped as your eyes went wide.Nooooooope. You turn to Discord, giving him a nervous smile, as you shiver. "a-actually Dis-d...ahrm..Dad.."
"Dad", that did sound better, You were going to try to appeal to his better sense. Whatever that was. And try not to get into something that won't kill you. "...M-maybe we can do something else?"
"Something else? hmmmm" Discord tapped his chin. "Wellll...Something else does sound better than something as boring as "learning". I'm sure we can figure things out as we go. I mean" Discord chuckled "It's not as if we only have one life to live...right?"
You gulped, but agreed with him. Just agree with him. That was the plan. Stick to that plan.
Discord started pacing "now then...something else, something else. Well...hrn...being the good father that I am. I should help you get some friends. Can't live in Ponyville, the VERY epicenter of friendship, without some friends."
Ahhh shit, this was it. You jumped in place and threw out a suggestion. "Pinkie Pie! How about we meet Pinkie Pie and I become friends with her!"
YES YES, FINALLY. WHAT YOU CAME FOR! YEAAAAAHHHH
"Pinkie Pie? hrnn. No no, as your father I have to make sure you have friends your own age"
"B-but. She's friends to everypony! of all ages! P-" You stop yourself. you weren't about to say "please" again. You wanted to retain some of your dignity.
Discord again patted your head. This time, it felt condescending "Anon please, I've seen the contents of your computer,"
You blush red, ahh shit. So he knows. Goddammit, It's not like you just wanted to fuck Pinkie and the others right then and there. It was just porn. You valued friendship. You did...you know you did.
"a-a-a-hm. C-come on, that's just..you know....what were the chances of me actually coming here..and um...you know..a guy...has needs....you're a guy right? I mean..you are...right Dad?"
Discord nodded "Of course I am. And I understand wholeheartedly, That's why I decided to actually comply with your little request"
You took a double take. Did he suddenly change his mind...well yeah duh...of course. He's Discord. He's never final on anything. "Seriously? We can go see Pinkie?!" You were excited.
"But of course!" Discord snapped his fingers as a portal opened behind you. You heard it, and turned around with a smile before you could see what lied beyond it.
Tentacles, tons of them. and They were just slithering and jutting about. a few seemed to have noticed you, and slowly started to reach out of the Portal. Reaching for you. You yelp and crawl backwards away from the portal and into Discord
"WHAT IS THAT?! I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO SEE PINKIE PIE!"
Discord snickered "Well we are.....after we get acquainted with these tentacles first. I saw one of your folders filled with these and figured you wanted to make friends with them. Since they're on the way and all....or...we could just have you meet some friends your own age. I'll let you pick. And I'd hurry. These tentacles are *extra* friendly"
One of them manage to latch onto a hind leg as it slowly drags you into the portal. Due to your hooves, you can't grab onto anything. You just yell, and agree again with Discord.
Then suddenly, the tentacles and portal disappear as the world shifts around you. You get a little dizzy and you try to compose yourself as you suddenly find yourself in front of the....CMC clubhouse? "Dis-...ahrm..Dad...no..come on"
"Why not Anon? there's three of them. Three whole chances to make friends. And you don't even have a cutie mark. A perfect candidate for their silly little club"
Yeah they were cute. But oh no. Actually dealing with the ACTUAL CMC who get into ACTUAL trouble and even ACTUAL mortal danger that with you in the equation might lead to ACTUAL death? Also, they were kind of annoying with their single minded quest to earn a cutie mark. Something you weren't exactly running first in line to get. Since it seemed pointless to you.
"Come on, Dad. You've been around them. You know I'm not an actual kid. I'm a mature, intelligent adult."
Suddenly, Discord burst into laughter at those words. You look at him, annoyed "Hey, What's so funny!?"
Discord wiped a tear from his eye "Oh nothing..no..no, everything with that statement was simply hilarious! Especially the "mature" part. You might be able to top the element of laughter herself if you keep that up!"
"Hey I am mature! I'm-" But you get cut off by another load of guffaws from the Draconequus.
"I am! I-..ahh......" You frown, as your ears lower. "...forget it"
It was clear he didn't care that he insulted your pride. But..you were right, right? You weren't some whiny manchild. Right? You look at Discord again, whose laughter was still pouring out of him.
You couldn't win. Even if you could beat him in words. He'd just shut you up or threaten you with magic. Was this really the price for happiness? Was this happiness? You always thought Discord was a cool character. But actually meeting him....it wasn't what you expected.
Suddenly, you hear a southern young voice behind the door of the clubhouse.
"Is somepony out there?"
You gulp, That...that had to be Applebloom. She must of heard Discord laughing.
You turn to him to try to get him to teleport you out of there...but...He was suddenly gone.
The door suddenly opens, and there she was. Big bow and all. You immediately started sweating profusely. Nervous.
"Oh heya! Ah never seen ya around before!"