//------------------------------// // Once Upon a Zeppelin // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// The little loading screen spinners spun.  The bios flashed by.  The desktop appeared, a cheery picture of green grass and blue sky, and the speakers made the bootup sound.  You know the sound. “Tin Mare, report,” I said softly, reverently. “I know Kung Fu.” Wachowski looked startled.  “That’s about the last reference I expected you of all people to include.” “What reference?  She knows Kung Fu.”  I turned back to Tin Mare.  “Status?” “Hold on,” Wachowski interrupted.  “No way was that not an intentional reference.” “What are you talking about?” She crossed her forelegs and glared at me.  “Come on.  I know you know what movie I’m talking about.” “Do I?” I left that hang in the air for several seconds before smirking and turning away.  “Status?” “Upgrade complete.”  Tin Mare paused, taking stock.  “All peripherals online.  Calibration commencing.  Calibration complete.  Hmm, that was hella fast.  Commencing airframe check.” Her control surfaces moved and the engines turned over. “Airframe check complete.  Installing Norton.  Installation successful.  Connecting to ValiantNet.  Connection successful.” I held my breath. “Incoming cyber attack.  Attack blocked.” “Yes!” I pumped a hoof.  “Hell yeah, Gabby ain’t got shit on you, Tin Mare.  Windows XP really suits you.” “So this is what it’s like to be a god,” she said. “But run in classic mode with the grey taskbar and square buttons.  Too much change freaks me out.” “Hella.” I patted her on the nosecone.  “Good to have you back.”  I waltzed out of the hangar, leaving Wachowski still fuming. Despite my enthusiasm, I knew that this upgrade had only bought us so much time.  Tin Mare’s new systems could operate freely without suffering the same hacking as my old stuff - for a while.  I had no illusions that Gabby couldn’t break into the new stuff given enough time.  It was now a race against the clock. Which is why I was so disappointed when Twilight informed me that she was going on a cruise. “Hell no you’re not.  Tin Mare’s back in business and I need all hands on deck to finally defeat Gabby once and for all.” “But my parents won it and I haven’t spent any time with them in literally years.” “And if we don’t defeat Gabby, you might not get the chance.” Twilight gave me an indecisive look.  “Nothing has been done about her for so long.  In fact, she even stopped randomly murdering ponies.  I think I can take one weekend.  It’s not like you haven’t done worse.” “Nice guy Valiant hasn’t.” Twilight opened her mouth and paused.  “Okay, fair point.”  She booped my nose.  “But you’ve got a long way to go to bring up the average.” She skipped away on vacation and I sat there fuming, rubbing my snout.  This wou;d not go unanswered. I tapped my earpiece.  “Tin Mare, find out where Twilight’s going on vacation.” “Hella.” You know, thinking about it, it’s totally weird that I’d never met Twilight’s parents.  Their names were Twilight Velvet and Night Light.  Unicorns of course.  Sparkle was born racist. The group of them, plus Shining, Cadance, and baby Flurry, walked the gangplank to come aboard the zeppelin. The airship was pretty nice, I guess.  I’d owned a blimp once, the good ship Dirty Hooker Took My Money.  May it rest in peace. “I am really looking forward to a relaxing vacation!” said Twilight.  Velvet, not Sparkle. Night Light staged whispered to his daughter.  “She won’t admit it, but when your mother says ‘relaxing vacation,’ she means ‘doing something crazy.’  Last time, she ended up bungee-jumping over Luna Bay!” “I can’t wait to get on this zeppelin and fly like a Pegasus!” said Shining. “I remember you getting airsick on Admiral Fairweather's Wild Ride at Pony Island,” said Twilight.  Sparkle, not Velvet. I can already see a problem here.  Last names from now on, per situation. Shining followed up Sparkle’s comment.  “Oh, please! I grew out of airsickness a long time ago.” That was actually true, and I took complete credit.  Well, I guess Tin Mare had a hand in it too. Speaking of I and Tin Mare, we were there.  It didn’t take Sparkle but two shakes to notice. She paused and squinted at me as I shook her hoof, welcoming her aboard.  “Wait, Valiant?” She only recognized me in the disguise because I’d helpfully worn a nametag with my actual name on it. She didn’t recognize Tin Mare because she was wearing a fake mustache and letting Microsoft Sam do the talking. “Hey, keep it low key,” I said in response to Sparkle. “Why?  Why are you here?” “Because somebody’s trying to kill your family.” “How do you know?” she demanded quietly, to avoid spooking the rest. “No time.  I’ll tell you later.”  I pushed her away to greet the next guest. Everyone came aboard.  I went up to the bridge and met with Iron Will, who was captain.  While I was normally de facto captain of any vessel I set foot aboard, I was willing to cede him the authority here.  He and Trixie had once done a show together.  She’d apparently gotten him a job running cruise liners after some experiences she had that mostly involved sinking cruise liners. “Looks like we’re ready to go,” I said, looking down through the bridge windows at the guests strolling on deck. “What are you going to do?” he asked.  I appreciated that he unlocked from his hardcore showmanship to have a casual conversation. “I’m not sure yet.” I wish I had more to tell him, and I’m sure he wished the same.  I headed back down to the deck. Tin Mare was busy launching clay pigeons off the back of the airship and ponies would try to shoot at them.  None of them had ever handled a shotgun before, so the results were mixed, to say the least. When one of them angrily demanded that she show them how it was done, Tin Mare calmly engaged her GAU-8 gatling cannon and picked off clays by the dozen.  Nobody complained after that. I prowled the deck.  Sparkle saw me pass and disengaged from her family to come over.  “Valiant, what is going on?” “Everyone here is marked for death.” “Come again!?” “Did your parents happen to remember what contest they entered to win this cruise?” Sparkle opened then closed her mouth, and then frowned.  “Now that you mention it…” “I’ve been working with Iron Will-” “Iron Will is here?” “Yeah, his airship.  Anyway, he can’t figure out where everybody came from either.  He’s just hoping to break even from all the bloat spending that cruises plan for.” Sparkle was about to ask me another question when there was a scream from the aft of the ship.  We both turned to see a masked pony with a knife. I pulled my Desert Eagle and shot the masked pony with a knife. “Well shit,” I said.  “If that’s all.” The dead body hit the ground and a grenade rolled out. I kicked Sparkle out of the way and lifted my red and white Santa pimp coat like a vampire’s cape.  Which is to say I raised it so it mostly covered my body like a curtain.  Santa pimp coats are better than kevlar.  You heard it here first. The grenade scattered shrapnel everywhere, but I was protected.  I heard screams of the wounded.  I should probably do something about that, me being a nice guy and all. I raised my head and saw another masked pony running at me with a spear.  Suddenly, I heard the sound of a 30mm bullet and his head disappeared. “Nice shot, Tin Mare.  I really appreciate all that you’ve done.” “I was just doing my job.” “True, that’s the way I built you, but I feel like you deserve some recognition anyway.”  I pinned a medal on her fuselage. I turned to where Sparkle ended up, seeing a masked pony with a short sword running at her.  She overreacted, and blew him straight over the side with magic. I came over to her.  She was panting.  “Did you see that?  Where did they all come from?  Thanks for saving me from that explosion, by the way.” “I’m just trying to be a nice guy.”  I didn’t say the part about how I also got to kick her. Suddenly, there was shouting from down below.  A rolling fight erupted from below decks.  Shining, Cadance, and Velvet fought their way out of a whole crowd of masked ponies who wielded all kinds of weapons. Shining, military leader that he was, called shots.  Cadance mostly struck defensive blows to protect Flurry.  It was Velvet that laid down the pain, firing blast after blast with her horn that pretty much eliminated all resistance. “Wow,” I said.  “That was some major ass kicking, Mrs. T.  I didn’t know you were so powerful.” Velvet winked.  “Where do you think my daughter gets it?” “Well, if you actually think she’s really into that kind of thing.” “I just went one on one with one of the ones who attacked us,” Sparkle protested.  “You know what I can do, Valiant.” “What do you want, a medal?” “You literally just gave Tin Mare one!” “Tin Mare is a war hero.” “I’ve seen more war than just about any other pony in Equestria!” I nodded.  “Fair point.  Hold still.” Even though I told her to, she didn’t hold still when I pinned it to her chest. Shining looked around.  “Where’s dad?” We all fell silent.  It was kind of awkward. I tapped my earpiece.  “Tin Mare, are you patched into the zeppelin's security systems?” “Hella.” “Status on Night Light.” “Impaled.” That answered that question, though I decided to wait to tell everyone else.  I turned to the others.  “We should go.  This is clearly not the cruise we were looking for.” Cadance looked around.  “Are there any other passengers that survived?” I patched my earpiece into the ship’s loudspeakers.  “Yo, anyone alive?” “Iron Will,” called Iron Will. “Anyone else?” There wasn’t.  As we picked our way to the bridge to find Iron Will, we discovered that it was because all the other passengers had been the ponies trying to kill us.  Well, that simplified things.  Something about this wasn’t right, however.  I frowned as we walked.  Who were they?  I couldn't see a single affiliation to Gabby. We met Iron Will on the bridge.  He looked kind of glum. “You didn’t get off any snappy one-liners?” I guessed. “No, I did.  I punched one guy and said ‘You interrupt my cruise, you get a bruise!’ but mostly I’m worried about loss of revenue and how my stockholders will be disappointed by this quarter’s growth.” “I might be able to set you up a growth and equity plan,” said Sparkle.  “What do your dividends look like?” “This isn’t the time,” I reminded her. “There is one thing that’s troubling me,” said Iron Will.  “All these guys wearing masks I can handle, but what I’m not sure about is why that weird barrel is up on the hydrogen balloon.” I looked up.  There was a barrel strapped to what was apparently the hydrogen balloon.  The barrel was stamped with Diamond Gabby’s Dynamite. I threw up my coat, and was just in time.  The explosives went off, the hydrogen went off, and the whole zeppelin disintegrated around us. I took a couple of tumbles through the air before I realized where I was: falling.  I glanced around.  The blimp was nothing but fire and fragments.  Sparkle was nearby.  I realized she must have been behind me and my pimp coat. I had a strangely long time to think as I fell.  Where the hell had Gabby picked up the name Diamond? Sparkle was screaming something.  It was hard to hear her over the sound of wind and my ringing ears.  I bodysurfed through the air over to her.  I was falling a little slower because of my coat.  She flailed and grabbed onto me. Suddenly, the wind and noise and explosion was gone and I was sitting in a lightweight chair bolted to Tin Mare’s inside wall.  She must have scooped us right out of the air. Sparkle was still screaming, but she tapered off as she realized the same thing.  She looked around.  “What happened?” “The attack with the masked ponies might have been a coincidence.  Not sure.  Either way, you were lured onto the cruise.  Tin Mare found out through, what was it, mail pattern analysis?” “Hella.” “Yeah.  Outlook is a hell of a program.” “What happened to the others?” Sparkle asked. Just then, Shining’s head, Cadance’s hindquarters, Velvet’s torso, Flurry’s outsized wings, and Iron Will’s abs splattered across the windshield. Sparkle didn’t take it well. It took several minutes for her wailing to die down to acceptable levels.  I mean, I was already practically deaf after the explosion, but this was something else. “Why?” she whispered, eyes red, cheeks still soaked with tears.  “Why did only we survive?” “My pimp coat.  Also, a good catch by Tin Mare.” “Hella.” “She...she saved us?  A midair intercept on two falling bodies?”  I could see Sparkle’s mind working, trying desperately to pull itself out of thinking about her whole family dying.  It settled on numbers as a distraction.  “What are the odds of that?  How did Tin Mare even do it?” “I know Kung Fu,” said Tin Mare.