Chapter 1:
How does one begin a story-
Hell, what even is a story to begin with?
I used to think that stories were just memories melded together to make something for the viewing pleasure of the readers. But Google has claimed that a story is, “...an account of imaginary or real people and events told for entertainment…”
I looked that up to sound smart for you guys. How's that for entertainment?
I can also juggle, yodel, and sing Frozen’s, Let it Go in spanish.
It's an accurate description for intelligent people. Only the smartest of the smart would understand what Google talks about. The definition for dummies is, “...a story is basically really long talk. Talk has words. Words are big…”
Mainly though, a story includes a beginning, several plot points, a climax, which usually differs one to the end of the story with either a big bang, or something satisfactory, and finally the ending.
A tad bit complex if you ask me. It's like the storyboard for Lord of the Rings.
You ever hear about short stories though? Now those are my favorite. Short, stories. Small books, few words, not so many pages. I prefer short stories over anything else.
They get you straight into what the author wants to talk about, and end it abruptly.
My story is kinda like that.
So, for due process and all that jazz, let me drop you into something.
What I will start you off with, is the My Little Pony Fandom.
The little corner of this world that people of every race and possible ethnicity come together to revere the great fictional horses that reside in Equestria.
They come in all shapes and sizes, and are arranged in a crayola fashion. And as an added bonus, they are made into plushies for our brony pleasure.
I have an Octavia plushy that no one ever sees and I payed a guy a hundred bucks for it. #ThatBronySpendature
I could go on and on about how I'm better than you, but this is a short story.
Well, take the MLP fandom with a grain of salt, because unknown to me at first, someone came into my life unexpectedly on a Friday afternoon.
This specific someone, was Pinkie Pie.
She knocked on my door.
Well, I wouldn't say knocked. Knocking has a catchy little tune to it. Pinkie didn't have that tune. She actually took a hammer to the wooden frame and completely decimated it.
I know, I said the exact same thing. I don't have door insurance to cover that breakage.
Now, me being the sane person I am, I'm going to list a few things to keep you in sync with what is going on.
There are some crazy, insane, and totally incomprehensible shit that happens from time to time in our world. And sometimes, they are unavoidable, depending on what happens.
It's called, luck, karma, etc.
An example of said notions, forgetting where the toilet is. We all have had it happen, it's okay to admit it. Or for men, where are dicks are. That's some crazy stuff, lemme tell ya.
Something insane would be doing a... backflip, onto a moving truck that is jumping through a flaming hoop which is dropping into a volcano.
Insane.
Incomprehensible stuff, would be talking to someone, and then you start speaking another language. Like french. Next thing you know, you got one dude speaking English, and you’re standing there berating him in la francais.
Now the pink problem, categorized a whole new level. If one person, or pony for that matter, would knock on my door? I would expect the Kool-Aid man, Hulk Hogan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The reason is because they break shit for a living.
Not Pinkie Pie.
Not in a million years would I expect such a thing to happen.
But hey, when she knocks, or breaks down the door, who else can you blame other than...
Well mainly yourself.
So Pinkie Pie, if you need reference, a pink mare with quite the head of hair, used a goddamn wooden mallet the size of a bowling ball to break down my apartment door.
Said door, groaned under the first hit, making me think I was being swatted. At the time, I was taking a shit due to the mistake of ordering chinese food late at night.
Let's just say that I put a little extra brown in the bowl than needed.
The second hit, I was hurrying myself along to wipe and at least make myself presentable. Didn't want anyone to catch me with my trousers down.
Literally.
Then, I was freaking out internally. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why somebody was breaking my door down. It was like trying to guess how much sand was in a beach.
You know there's alot. But you can't guesstimate that stuff. Impossible to even try.
The third hit rolls around, and I could see the hammer. They've done cracked most of the frame, so I got ready for the worst.
The last hit, caused the door to go into pieces. It got absolutely demolished. We're talking worse than plate shards.
So I shut the door to the bathroom and cowered behind it with my arms splayed out.
That was how I thought I would die. Dropped a sizeable dook, and then my head is caved in by Harley Quinn.
But then I hear her speak.
“Pinkie Pie is in the house!!”
Me: U fuckin wot m8?
No, no, it gets better. Not only did she announce that she was inside my place, but she tossed her hammer, and broke something.
I could hear the glass shattering.
“Sorry! I broke one of your windows too!”
I mean, yes, you broke down a door and took a pane of glass out, that's a cool feat. But does a murderer chop a guy up and say,
“I'm cutting a dead guy up!”
It's retarded!!
“Helloooo~?”
I visibly grind my teeth together. I didn't know who it was at the time. So whoever I thought it was, had seriously gotten on my nerves.
And I was going to shove my fuzzy socked foot up their arse for intruding.
Surprisingly, I reopen the door. However, i did not expect to come face to face with blue eyes, and a head of poofy hair.
“Hiya there Mr. Debbie Downer!”
It sounds like she has exclamation points at the end of every sentence. God that's diabolical…
Anyway, the act scares me, and I end up hitting myself on the head by tripping on the carpet that lied in the bathroom.
“PONY! SWEET SHIT!!”
Lucky I didn't get a concussion.
Although… that didn't sound to bad.
“Ooooo~, that looked like it hurt!” Pinkie said, her pony form jumping up and down.
How...- why does one do that?! You announce the obvious like a doctor does when you have a disease.
Sorry sir, but you are clinically insane.
No shit.
I gripped the wound, my heart beating a mile a minute as there were now three Pinkies jumping up and down.
“Yeah, thanks…” I grumble to myself as I try shaking away the pony and the fact that she was not there, “Stupid… dreams and their stupid characters…”
First mistake.
Pinkie looked around, wrinkling her nose, “Smelly dream you have.”
I chuckle dryly, “I just shat myself… So yeah. Smelly ind-WAITAMINUTE.”
I literally had to stop myself from having an actual conversation,
“YOU- YOU'RE-”
Pinkie Pie stepped from the bathroom and out into the main part of my apartment,
“Pinkie Pie! At your service!” She bowed.
I knew who she was. I mean, who doesn't? Hell, you don't even have to watch the show to know who she is.
I find pictures of her in a Subway restaurant for christsakes.
“What are you doing in my apartment?!”
Pinkie giggled, “I'm glad you asked! See, I am on a mission to repair the bonds of order! Selected by Twilight to come by and mend you and your frie-”
I held my temple feeling a migraine most foul coming along, “Please don't tell me you broke my door down, busted a window, and gave me a welt on the back of my head, just to give me a friendship lesson.”
I was infuriated as you can clearly see.
“Well~, you see about that…”
I mocked her, “Well, nothing! What in the absolute hell is happening?!? YOU'RE- YOU ARE A CARTOON. CHARACTER!!”
I poked her for good measure and watched as she giggled at the motion. She was real.
I had a real Pinkie Pie in my house,
Sorry sir, but you have wanked off to too much Pony Porn.
How is she even...
“Well of course I am silly! And you, are the main reason I'm here!”
I was going to say something really snarky, but instead I may have puked a little on the inside,
“Wait, what?”
Pinkie clicked her hooves twice as she leapt into the air, “Yeeperoo! You, lucky guy, get to have some fun with little ol’ me!”
Seriously, the amount of exclamation points is baffling,
“Okay, slow the fuck down.” I said, taking two steps around this mare, “Rewind to when you broke into my home, and we will go from there.”
“Okay~” She says, pretending to think back,
“I knocked.”
I nodded, “Uhuh.”
“You didn't answer!”
“Mmm - okay.”
Pinkie smiled, “So I put the one-two on your door there!”
“And then?”
Pinkie shrugged, “That hammer was pretty heavy, Debby D.”
I sighed, facepalming, this was going to be a long day. I could already tell.
“First off, it wasn't one-two, it was more like two-four. Second, my name is not Debby D. Thirdly, WHY?!?!”
Pinkie tsked me, “A magician never reveals her secrets!”
I picked up the mallet, raising it high over me, “IMMA ALAKA SMASH YOUR-HOLY FUCK MY HEAD…” I was going to do something drastic, like bash her face in.
But the throbbing of a migraine popped out of nowhere.
This, in any standard, migraine or no, was utterly incredible, and I should be freaking out in a good way. But first impressions matter.
And mark my words, my life will crumble just like the door did.
“C'mon Debbie D! We got stuff to do!”
I held my face, sitting on my steps, “Pinkie, for the love of god, please stop talking. I'm not going anywhere with you.”
Wait. Wait, wait, what am I saying?? This is a once in a lifetime-
Well she did break my stuff...
Pinkie laughed, “Aw c’man, we are gonna turn that frown, upside down!”
I swear to god. One more exclamation point, and I will quit everything.
I held out a hand, “Imma turn my ass around and sleep here in a minute.”
I laughed,
“Why are you even here!?”
“Because you are my job.”
“Why?”
“Because I want everypony to smile.”
“Everyone - why?”
Pinkie put a hoof on her eye, “Because of a Pinkie promise.”
I hummed, “Mmm… still doesn't answer why you want specifically me.”
“Don't ask silly questions you don't want silly answers for.”
I sighed loudly, she had a point. I could tell I hit a nerve though.
“Okay. Look.” I knelt down and falsely smiled, “You got a good character and all. But you seriously caught me at a bad time.”
Pinkie raised a brow, “That's nice and all, but this isn't a matter of your opinion Debbie D. You're coming with me.”
I frowned, stood, and crossed my arms, “Oh? Says whom?”
She produced a cannon out of her ass, “Says Pinkie! Now get in the cannon.”
Oh.