//------------------------------// // How Silly of a Secret is Disliking Pies? // Story: Letters from an Irritated Princess // by Tired Old Man //------------------------------// Dearest Sister, I need help. Soooo much help. Can’t sleep, even during the day. Been like this for days, weeks, months?? What day is it? What year is it?! Should have stayed far away from Pinkie’s dream. Wicked Rainbow Dash. So many pies wasted. Good pies! Bad pies... Then IT appeared. The pie that never should have been... It exists. It exists. Big, green, malodorous stench unlike any other. The sludge, sewage, ‘filling’ is… A crime against everything. It was here. Maybe it still is? I don’t hear the sludge popping. Pop. Pop. What if it can hide? Can it hide?! Tell me, sis! I don’t know anymore! Want to sleep. Can’t sleep. If I sleep, the pie comes. It hungers, it eats, and I wake up damp. Help, sister. Please. Want to close my eyes, Luna P.S. Some of your pancakes would really help right now. Don’t care if it’s dinnertime, PANCAKES! ...Please? ~~~ Dear Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, I’ve received quite the pile of intriguing reports today, covering a range of fruit, sugar and cream shortages to the largest spike in flour consumption since my thousandth birthday. I wondered what in the blue blazes could cause such a massive use of resources in the course of a few days. Was there a bake-off I wasn’t invited to? Some dark conspiracy to stamp out our nation by cutting off our food supplies? Who could be responsible for digging into the cake fund?! Then my sister appeared before me, delirious and raving on about mountains of wasted pie, a dark blue wicked pony wantonly destroying them with fiendish laser eyes, and Pinkie Pie in the eye of the pie storm. What am I supposed to think about all of that? Here’s my answer: I won’t! Instead, I’ll talk about other things, like flour. Yes, flour! Glorious white powder that’s so versatile, its only limit is one’s imagination! Until we actually run out. Seriously Pinkie, just how many pies did you make?! It’s not even March, and that’s the one month I turn a blind eye to your irrational behavior and ludicrous baking efficiency. The flour shortage is so dire in Equestria that I’m forced to import more from other nations. Do you have any idea how expensive Griffonstone organic stone-ground flour is?! They charge a leg and a wing for it! Maybe that doesn't sound as bad to YOU, but I actually HAVE wings and I’d like to keep them. Did you have to make that many pies to suss out if Rainbow Dash doesn’t like them? Pinkie, if that’s the problem, the solution is not ‘make more pies.’ Do you see me erecting a forest of thousand-layer cakes around a pony’s home when they don’t like cake? No. Maybe as a practical joke, but otherwise NO. There’s a limit to how far one should go to find the truth, and that limit is not giving wild creatures sugar overload and causing Soarin to lament the tragic loss of the remaining uneaten pies to me in poetic purple prose pieces. Putting it in my prudent princess perception, please provide less pie. Speaking of giving creatures sugar overload, I now come to Rainbow Dash. There’s no doubt that your actions are the root cause of absolutely everything that happened all because you lied to everypony for years, especially Pinkie. The amount of questionable decision-making that’s gone into sustaining such a trivial lie is… impressively mind-boggling. Yet that’s the hidden beauty of a lie like this: it’s so pointless, nopony would ever think to question if it’s true. Even so, it couldn’t last forever. I’m surprised you didn’t have second thoughts when a certain apple pony attempted the same idea and failed. But no, you’re the savvy one. You’re discreet with your plans, a true stealthy ninja that’s only been caught multiple times pursuing trivial desires. Surely your pie lie would be missed in the sea of your more explosive incidents! That’s not the case anymore, is it? If you still have secrets worth guarding, may I suggest that you change your door lock. I do so every month to keep my little pink demon at bay and it seems to be working. So far, anyway. In any case, I’m glad you two learned an important lesson about being honest with your friends even if you think it'll hurt their feelings. Yep, I'm happy for you. I’m sure that was worth almost destroying a solid chunk of Equestria's economy for. That’s okay, though. I’ll manage on no-bake cookie rations until flour isn’t a luxury item anymore. I still have plenty of oats and peanut butter to work with for the time being. No you can’t have any, Pinkie! I can see your scowl through the balcony doors! Shoo! My cookies! MINE! Ahem. Don’t make a mess of this magnitude ever again, either of you. Leave My Cake Ingredients Alone, Princess Celestia Hey, who opened the door? Sunny? If that’s you, I’ve told you countless times to not leave the door cracked open for a reason! Oh, you’re playing ghosts again. Ha ha, very spooky. Sadly, I’m not in the mood. Please shut the door. No, not knock on the door. Close the door! SUNNY, I told you I’m not in the mo— ...was that a bag of flour dropped on my head? I don’t want to be a ghost! I… okay. Let me start over. You’re pretending to be a ghost with flour? Sunny, you... know you’re white already, right? Well, if you just covered your cutie mark and mane, that would be all you need—WHY am I even helping with this right now?! Complete coverage is NOT necessary and an even BIGGER waste of precious flour! ...I don’t know whether to be sad or angry. Actually, you know what? I’M SANGRY!